DC 5.21: Princes of the Universe

[Derek]

It’s been three long weeks since Dalton Castle was involved in a crazy tag-team main event that ended with the sudden turning of Rey Mysterio against the World Champion, Michael Mizanin. While during that time, the Party Peacock has been conspicuously absent from the weekly television show, but as the song goes, there ain’t no rest for the wicked. The Dalty-Double-Slammy Gateway Championship Open Invitational Challenge continues to highlight the house show loop, popping the crowd with a surprise opponent at each stop who wants to prove they belong in the upper echelon of the wrestling world, more often than not a local hero or even occasional celebrity guest. This Saturday’s segment, however, EBWF felt warranted being shared on YouTube and social media.



As was their custom, Dalton Castle and the Boys, including Honorary Boy, Grado, entered to the strains of Queen’s “I Want It All.” At the house shows, Castle opts to forego his sequin jumpsuit in order to better model one of his shirts currently hanging at the gimmick table, but remains every bit the consummate showman. One of the Boys proudly holds the mahogany box housing the Gateway Championship above his head, displaying it to all four sides of the arena while Dalton instructs a referee to preemptively check him for an abundance of illegal objects in an entertaining bit of pantomime. Then Castle asks for the microphone.



“Salutations! I’m Dalton Castle, THESE are my boys, and THIS is the Dalty-Double-Slammy Gateway Championship Open Invitational Challenge Sponsored by STACKER !. When I won the Gateway Championship, I made a solemn vow that I would be a FIGHTING champion, AS WELL AS a sexy one, and so far I have made good on BOTH counts! They won’t let me book a championship match every week on Warfare, and I think that’s fair, because this world does NOT need another three hour long weekly episodic television program. But here in the heart of AMERICA, we’ve been tearing it down nightly, giving YOU what you PAID to see! So this is the open challenge, I have NO idea who is going to be coming down that ramp, it could be Handsome Harley Race, it could be Cody Rhodes, it could be the Big Dawg Andrew Everett or the Big Dawg Jervis Cottonwood or even the Big Dawg Dakota Kai. It could be my very best friend in this entire world, Braun Strowman. And whoever it is will find out that THESE muscles ain’t for showin’, THEY’RE for THROWIN’! So play that funky music, sound boy!”



The crowd buzzes in quiet anticipation, staring at the entrance, wondering who it could be. Then the music hits. “Life is a mystery….” Confusion turns to excitement as the crowd looks back to the ring just as Dalton Castle himself turns around to see Honorary Boy Grado standing tall in the middle of the ring, pointing at the production area to play his music. A smile slowly crosses Dalton’s face as he nods in acceptance of the challenge and extends the handshake of friendly competition. Grado instead fires off a hard slap to the side of Castle’s face, drawing gasps and boos from the crowd. Dalton gestures to the referee to call for the bell as Grado shouts at his back. “Strowman, eh? Strowman’s naught air! Wabo me, eh? Wabo Grado’s time!”



Dalton turns to Grado as the bell sounds. Grado charges and throws a wild roundhouse. Dalton ducks and steps behind. He wraps his arms around Grado’s waist. The steely determination on Grado’s face is instantaneously replaced by the realization of approaching doom as Dalton lifts the larger man up and deposits him with a high-angle German suplex. Dalton roars at the crowd for encouragement as he rips off his T-shirt and tosses it into the front row. The chant for him as he surveys the wobbly Scotsman. Lifts him up. Bangarang. Cover. Three-count. It will probably be the shortest match Dalton has all year, the perfectly bite-sized wrestling clip to share on your feed throughout the rest of Saturday evening, all of Sunday, and leading up to Monday evening, when Renee Young is now standing alongside her guest at this time, the Gateway Champion, Dalton Castle.



“Dalton, the last time you were on Warfare, things got a little out of hand. Take us back to that night, what was going through your head?”



“Well FIRST I was thinking that I hope Renee Young interviews me about this next time I’m on television and I HOPE she is wearing those brown boots. That’s RIGHT, as far as you know I can see into the FUTURE. But I was also thinking, Kenny Omega, you’re a REEEAL piece of work. You’re a triple decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with ARSENIC SAUCE. For the second week in a row, you used me as a pawn in your games with the Miz, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A PAWN. Knight, rook, bishop, sure, but a pawn? That’s not what I’m here for, I want to focus on defending and honoring my Gateway Championship, and on earning my opportunities the right way. So I walked away, as things starting going crazy, my concern was getting my boys to safety, so I left Miz, Omega and Mysterio to deal with their issues and not involve me. I even sat out two weeks of Warfare, I deprive myself of doing what I love, to make sure I stayed out of their drama. But now I am back at work, and believe me when I tell you that Kenny Omega and Rey Mysterio have made it on my to-do list.”



Renee nods. “But first on that list, here tonight, has got to be your qualifying match for the King of the Ring tournament.”



Dalton shoots her the finger guns. “Very astute, Nay Nay. My crazy year keeps on going, from my first Rumble to my first Mania, from Dalty Two Belts to Dalty Double Slammy, to now being in consideration for the King of the RING. Hey, crazier things have happened. Just ask my opponent. Matt Hardy, you’re a tag team legend, and a fascinating fellow. But let’s face it, in that ring, on your own, without Nero, with the mileage you have on those bones…well, I don’t care if you’re Broken, Woken, Joken, Smoken or MIDNIGHT TOKEN, you’re going to end up Choken on this fist. I have a ton of respect for you, Matthew, but I’m not holding anything back. I could be crowned the Party King, baby, and if I can fight my way to that crown, you know I’m sticking some FEATHERS on it!”



“Now also in the brackets is the man you held the tag team titles with, Grado. And it seems like the two of you may have an incident over the weekend blowing up on social media. Can you tell us more about that?”



Dalton shakes his head. “Grado answered my open challenge, and I was thrilled. I treat Grado like any of my boys, I train him and encourage him, and if any of The Boys wanted to challenge me for the belt, I’d hope they tried their best and showed me what they had in the tank, in the name of friendly competition and sportsmanship. But Grado wasn’t interested in that, and I have no answers as to why.”



“Augh, yew wanner know way, eh?” Grado steps into frame and squares up to Dalton. “All day, efer day, all yew taker bout is Braun Strowman, yew tink he’s yer bes mate, yer NATHEN to ‘em, he’d sooner puntcha then lukitcha! Who’s ben by yeh, bein’ hell back, ME! Grado! It’s Grado’s time! I’m goner be da King of ta Ring!”



Dalton shrugs. “I really don’t think so. I mean, you’re facing Finn Balor tonight. He is a very good wrestler, and he has like 20-pack abs, while you’re built like a kegerator and when you talk it sounds like a fork in a garbage disposal. We have not reached the point in your training where I would even consider putting you in the ring with a Finn Balor. You are several thousand Hindu Squats away from that point.”



Grado pushes Dalton to the side. “Yer all gonna see, yeah, Ima be King of ta Ring and mah first decree: No More Dalton Castle!” He storms off. Castle yells after him.



“That’s not how it works! You don’t actually get any powers, you know! It’s an Honorific!” He turns back to Renee. “It’s an Honorific, Nay Nay. And when I become King, that honorific will feel terrific.”

[Ben M]

I’m not sure which line made me laugh more... the part about Finn Balor having 20-pack abs, or Dalton trying to explain to Grado that winning KOTR doesn’t actually give him any powers... lol

[Ashlee]

This genuinely had me laughing out loud. As I said in Brian's piece, you guys didn't make it easy! Thanks for a great piece, Derek!