It looks like theirs a new sheriff in town and he goes by the name AUSTIN GUNN! The straightest shooting, outlaw slaying sheriff these parts have ever seen. And, he’s coming to the Royal Rumble to clean house on a laundry list of bandits that have been running this little one-horse town for far too long! And, I’ve brought with me, the most devastating move in the wrestling industry. The Fame-Ass-er has felled the giants of this industry and its legacy is being carried into the current generation by yours truly! Everyone on this wall of thieves and ne’er-do-wells is on notice!
Austin turned around and pulled one of the posters off the wall. He held it up to the camera for a moment to allow time to read the charges. The picture was of Wes Ikeda with a reward that was so large it went off the edge of the poster but started with a 30. He pulled it back and took a good look at it himself.
Let’s get right down to business with the worst of the worst. Wes Ikeda. Wanted for abuse of power. And oh man does the Mayor of this twisted little town have the power to abuse. Not content with having his hands in every part of the pie he had to sit down and have a slice for himself. That doesn’t sit well with Sheriff Gunn. It goes against one of the oldest rules in the book. A rule written in stone by mother nature herself. Mister Ikeda, I’m afraid that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. That’s just not allowed. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to track you down and take you in. I’m not going to allow you to skirt the rules just because you call yourself the boss in these parts. You may own the jail but the Sheriff has the keys.
Austin winked and tossed the poster aside like David Letterman tossing a top ten que card. He turned and pulled down another poster creating another hole to view the wooden backdrop on. He looked at the poster first this time. When he was done he held it up to the camera. This poster had a picture of Drew Gulak on it. The reward was set for .22 cents.
Drew Gulak wanted dead or dead. He’s accused of being a giant waste of time. In fact, I hear that he’s such a waste of time that the company has to pay the fans when he’s booked on a card. And not just the EBWF fans. Nope! He costs the indies countless dollars. Colten told me that Gulak once caused an indie so much money in comps that they had to close their doors for good! Where will the people of Tulsa, Oklahoma get their local wrestling now? They’re going to have to drive all the way to Oklahoma City to break the mask mandates and…
Colten Gunn walked in from the right side of the screen in normal street clothes. He cupped his hands around he mouth and whispered to Austin. Austin pulled away in shock. Colten nodded. Austin pushed Colten out of frame and looked back to the camera.
Apparently, Oklahoma doesn’t have a mask mandate. It’s truly the wild west out there. People are just walking around coughing and hacking all over one another with no care about the cost to human life. Then again…. It’s Oklahoma and to be honest it’s about as important to the Union as Drew Gulak is to wrestling!
Austin tossed Gulak’s poster to the ground with a chuckle. He turned around and looked over the remaining posters with his hands on his hips. He tapped Edge’s poster several times with his right hand, rubbing his chin with his left hand. He shook his head no and instead pulled Christian’s poster from the wall. He held it to the camera. The reward was fourteen dollars with a question mark behind it.
Christian. What can I say about this one? He’s wanted for associating with people even less talented than himself and being worthless without a certain tag partner whose moved on to greener pastures. We’ve all seen this outlaw walking the city streets with his posse of rejects from an era full of ruthless aggression when they don’t have the aggression of a praire dog between the three of them! This is Christian’s chance to mend the bridge he burnt with Edge. To get back into the good graces of his former brother who made him famous to begin with. I know, it’s sad to admit but if it wasn’t for Edge, we wouldn’t have to deal with Christian! He would have scurried off to the JOB Coalition a decade or two ago! Without Edge dragging him into fame kicking and screaming we wouldn’t have to deal with him today. I’m sure Edge is more than apologetic for that mistake!
Austin tossed his poster and then pulled at Edge’s and tossed it too.
Don’t worry about Edge and his repentance, I’ve got bigger things in store for the Rated-R superstar and his little viper buddy! His day under the sun against the quickest Gunn in the west will come!
Austin turned around again. He looked over the wall of images, running his hand across the tacks. He stopped over the image of CM Punk and looked at it. He pulled it down from the wall and tossed it to the side.
That would be a waste of good brass.
Austin continued along the wall of wanted posters. He snapped the Miz’s picture from the wall and held it for a moment. He pressed it toward the camera and turned. He lingered for a moment, rocking from side to side. The swaying poster wasn’t easy to follow but the reward was set at 15 likes.
Mike “mizzing the mark” Mizanin! Wanted for an awful catch phrase, reliance on said catch phrase and an inability to hold an election.
Colten Gunn shouted from off camera.
That’s an R.
Elect-i-or? That makes much less sense.
Colten stepped back in frame and once again whispered in his brother’s ear. Colten’s eyes went wide and darted back to the wanted poster.
Who filed that complaint? Who would even know that he’s guilty of such a thing?
He has a wife.
Austin’s eyes would have gotten bigger if they could have. He waved his hands, the poster fluttering and then pushed Colten back out of frame. He took a breath and looked at the poster.
And, an inability to hold and erection! Talk about showing up with an unloaded weapon! This guy is shooting blanks. Worse than that, he walks through the streets of the city shouting at the top of his lungs how great he is. And, everyone is getting tired of hearing those same three words. How many different ways are there to say how great he is? Awesome, Awesome, Awesome, Awesome. Have we covered the Miz’s entire vocabulary? You’d think so if you were subjected to listening to him talk as often as the EBWF Universe has been!
Austin looked over the poster again.
We’re all so tired of listening to the Miz that it nauseates me even talking about him. It makes me sick to think that he gets to steal another second of time from anyone fan or wrestler alike. And here he is, stealing more and more time from good viewers like you.
Austin pointed at the camera with the hand holding the poster.
And great wrestlers like me. So, I’m done talking to you about the Miz. I’m done wasting my words, my thoughts and my time on the most Mizerable man in professional wrestling.
Austin dropped the poster and let it fall to the floor. He spun around again and took in the wall. One by one he started pulling posters down.
Aiden English has a one track mind. He’s so focused on fighting the Mayor that it’s hard to predict what he’s going to do when he gets his hands on him. Bad news for Wes Ikeda but great news for everyone else. Deputy Colten is going to run him in! Chavo Guerrero Junior, Kingdom’s favorite dinosaur. He’s been in the industry LONGER than pappa Gunn and hasn’t had half the success. He would have ridden his cousin’s coattails for another decade if he could have. Chris Jericho may be the man to beat. I mean, if you believe him that is! It’s a good thing we’re in Houston because Jericho looks like he enjoys the hell out of some Whataburger! Kenny Omega….. Who opened up the immigration floodgates and let half of Canada into the match! Seriously Lance Storm has more personality than Kenny Omega. The only thing he’s going to be cleaning is the broom closet when he gets sent packing. HEY KENNY! You and I can have a shoot out if you’d like.
Austin turned his shoulder toward the camera and imitated Kenny’s finger gun.
Bang! I’m not Gunning with a single shot. I don’t have my head so stuck into video game fantasy that I have to name every damned move in my set after one! Elias Samson, YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! This guys is a worse wrestler than he is a singer and songwriter. He’s going to sit here and rhyme bad with sad and mad. He’s going to play the same two chords into oblivion because he can’t learn a third. And that’s twice as talented as he’ll ever be as a wrestler! Tommaso Ciampa. Has the EBWF seen enough of Ciampa loosing? Do we really need another round of Ciampa getting his ass kicked? Seriously? Is this why they keep writing him checks? Jungle Boy, well the words escape me. Kind of like he looks like he escaped the zoo. And, I may not be a zoo keeper but I’ll do my part to keep all the park goers safe from this wild animal.
Austin looked down at the ground to all the posters laying all around him. He looked back at the daunting list of posters still hanging.
Lucha.. I can’t. Here I am dressed like a wild west sheriff and I still can’t bring myself to talk about someone running around pretending to be a damned dinosaur. And Lucha? Have you seen the size of this ugly mother trucker? He’s like an entire Lucha roster. He’s three Rey Mysterios tall! And from a dinosaur we move onto a monster. Another freak in a mask because the man underneath is as ugly as sin. At least this one is only pretending to be crazy. Which isn’t an act if he thinks he’s got what it takes to go after Austin Gunn! Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson! The Good Brothers are oh so bad at this. If it wasn’t for Doc, the pair would never win a match. But, if it wasn’t for Anderson they wouldn’t be able to cut a promo to save their careers. Honestly if they weren’t a unit neither of them would be long for this industry! Sami Zayn…. Well I guess if you want someone to put you to sleep you could turn on a Sami Zayn segment or match! I mean seriously, how did he ever get a contract to begin with? Whose gun did he have to unload to make that deal? Speaking of unloading guns to get the job. MJF is here and that’s about all he’s good at besides pontificating. Seriously, he talks about himself about as often as Paul London claims to travel time. Funny too that both of them are lying when they utter those words! Maxwell wants you to think he’s confident. He wants you to think he’s the best in the business. But, he’s just a little bitch! Kind of like King of the Freakshow Paul London. He’s so afraid of sucking in his own time that he claims to have been to an endless number of others. Crazy, this match has that in spades. Kane and Finn Balor. Both “demons”! Or so they claim to be! Demons!
Austin turned and wiggled his fingers, feigning fear.
Talk about falling back on a gimmick. Then there’s this snake oil salesman Maven. I’m certain that you’ve all seen that he’s in Hollywood now. I mean, he’s definitely selling that lie to the world around him. And, if you believe that I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona.
Colten shouted from off screen.
Are you falling back on Country music lyrics?
Well I’m dressed the part. Obviously I’m as much of a Country Western star as Maven is the star of a major motion picture! Him being a celebrity is about as hard to believe as the idea of Cameron Grimes being a main event wrestler.
Austin plucked the final poster off the wall and stared at it. Cameron Grimes reward was set to zero. Austin threw the poster over his shoulder and spun on his heels. He flung his duster open wide again and drew his finger gun on the camera. He aimed it center.
I’m AUSTIN GUNN and I’m one tough son of a Gunn! You’re all about to find that out real soon!
Austin once again mimicked pulling back the hammer on his finger revolver. He laughed, blowing the smoke off his index finger. He holstered his imaginary weapon and pulled his duster closed. The shot faded to black.