MIDWaulkee (MJF - Last Survivor)

[TheDynasty]

“Better than you” hit the speakers as Maxwell Jacob Friedman made his standard entrance, smartly dressed with his burberry scarf and a microphone in hand.

MJF: Cut my music! How’s it goin’ MIDwaulkee? No, no, no. I can’t just come out here and start talking about how mid everything here is. Sure, we’re in the Midwest, but there’s mid, and then there’s WISCONSIN. A state that is so unbearable that you have TEN of the top twenty drunkest cities in America. Look around. Look at the person to your left, look at the person to your right. Do they look familiar? Maybe they were at your AA meeting last night. Maybe you met them in the drunk tank last weekend.

In the interest of fairness, I feel I should admit that Wisconsin has contributed its fair share to the world. Did you know that Oprah herself grew up in Wisconsin? Harrison Ford went to Ripley college. Willem Dafoe, the Green Goblin, another Wisconsinite. I mean, they all got the hell outta Dodge at the earliest opportunity, but I’m sure that’s not because WISCONSIN FREAKIN’ SUCKS. I mean, Harrison hated it so much he moved to a galaxy far, far away!

Wisconsin is known for its beer and cheese. Okay, eating cheese isn’t so bad…I mean with the level of obesity here it isn’t GREAT, but it’s not so bad. You know what is bad to eat, Milwaukee? People. Eating people is very, very bad. GUESS WHERE THE MILWAUKEE CANNIBAL WAS FROM, MILWAUKEE! The clue is in the name! And when a guy from Wisconsin is eating other human beings, it got me thinking…maybe your cheese isn’t all that great. Anyway, while we’re on the subject of cheesy things that aren’t so great, I should probably address my opponents for the upcoming Last Survivor match. That, and I’m worried if I keep insulting Wisconsin, somebody might turn me into a lampshade and a couple of cushions. I want to be IN the record books, I don’t want to BE the record books.

So for tonight’s Rumb…Last Survivor match, there was a “live draw” to show that the order of entry was “transparent” and “above board.” In the word’s of the once-great and now decrepit Steve Austin, EH-EH! NUMBER 4?! And not only my number, but every single member of The Dynasty being drawn between 4th and 8th? That is not a RANDOM draw, that is extreme bias against Maxwell Jacob Friedman! The bigwigs back in the office are against me because they HATE the fact I am undefeated in singles competition. They HATE the fact that I am the future of not only this company but this entire industry. They HATE that I’m better than them, and they know it. But I am not the kind of person to back down from a challenge. I am not the kind of person to cower or hide. At the end of the night, I will be the last survivor and I will go ahead to whatever name they give the Pay-Per-View to stop Stamford’s lawyers sending their cease and desist letters.

First up, number one, and I mean that only as far as his entrance number, because in terms of his in-ring ability, he’s definitely a number two…Xavier Woods. Xavier, you say that I run my mouth and that’s where my accomplishments lie. I’m glad you think so highly of my ability on the microphone, and I gladly offer you my services as a promo coach because based on what we’ve seen so far, you could do with the help. You come out here and proclaim yourself to be the King, addressing people as your subjects…you’re living in fantasy land, pal. I’M the puppet? Maybe if you spent less time playing DnD Live and more time in the gym, you could look more like a real boy. When you came out to the ring and criticized MJF, you rolled a crit fail, buddy.

Moving on to Jurassic Express. Dinosaurs have no place in EBWF…which is why I hope Jurassic Express will help us to eliminate Stone Cold and the Dudley Boyz. Jungle Boy, people say that you inherited your dad’s good looks. True, true. I was planning to say that it’s a shame you didn’t inherit his acting ability, but last night in the hotel, there was a rerun of 90210 and it turns out you did.

Onto the Gunn Club. I’m going to give you as much time, attention and consideration as Austin gave to your promo…Chavo Guerrero. I’m not going to lie; when I first saw the name Guerrero on the list, I did worry…but then I remembered that the talented one is dead, so it’s no biggie.

…Stone Cold Steve Austin. You’ve been pretty quiet, Steve. Last time I heard you, you were screaming in pain while I had you in the sharpshooter. You’re coming into this match expecting to relive your glory days, but I’m going to give you four reasons why that is NEVER happening: Richard Holliday, KC Navarro, Ace Austin and Maxwell Jacob Friedman. No matter what happens tonight Austin, you will leave this arena as a loser. You will leave the next arena as a loser. So long as I am here, Austin, you will never win another match in EBWF.

And other than some washed up has-beens or never-weres, that leaves the “surprise entrant.” Now, people keep suggesting that the surprise is going to be Hammerstone. I’m pretty sure even Holliday hopes it is. Sorry to burst his and your bubble, but the surprise entrant is not Alexander Hammerstone. The Dynasty does not need that Hogan-impersonating ball of roid rage. Hammer is in the past. I don’t know, or care, who the surprise entrant is. I can only assure you all that it will NOT be our fifth and final member of The Dynasty because, well, 90 days aren’t up yet, if you catch my meaning. We will be unveiling our fifth member in a few weeks, and again, it will not be Hammer.

Now, I’m going to go and change into my wrestling gear, because it’s almost time for the event, and to be honest, I’m excited that it’s so close…because just like the Green Bay Packers, I can’t wait to get the hell outta Milwaukee.

“Better than you” hit again as MJF made his way back to the locker room.