I – After Warfare
The scene opened backstage in The dWo’s locker room with an irate Maxwell Jacob Friedman throwing anything he could get his hands on at the wall, and a flustered Eric Bischoff dodging said objects.
MJF: This is horseshit!
Eric: Max, calm down.
MJF: What kind of outlaw, mudshow company is this? Corny was right about this stupid promotion! Did you see the card?
Eric: I did, and I get that it isn’t…
MJF: Isn’t what? Fair? Logical? That redneck punk tapped, you saw it right? I’m sure I heard him scream in pain and tap out. I’m sure I heard the bell, and I’m damn sure I heard the ring announcer say that I was the winner. Did I dream that?
Eric: No, that all happened.
MJF: So how the hell does he have a title match? Is that the way to get a title match now? I always thought you were supposed to win matches, not lose them. Yet here I am, again being overlooked while the guy I just beat is being rewarded for losing! And now all of a sudden the management are too busy for a live draw, so we’re just supposed to BELIEVE them when they say this was all done fairly? The last dWo guy before me is Fenix, and there’s 12 entrants between us, then another 5 between me and Rich? How convenient! This is a conspiracy, Eric. They saw how dominating The Dynasty was last year and they want to make sure I’m as isolated as possible out there.
Eric: Sure, it looks a little fishy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t just an unlucky draw.
MJF: There’s no such thing as luck, Eric. This is Wes or Jericho or one of those other assholes stopping me getting what I’ve earned AGAIN!
MJF stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
II – Last Survivor
MJF is shown backstage with none other than Alex Marvez.
Alex Marvez: I’m here with Maxwell Jacob…
MJF: They know who I am, Marvez. Why do I always end up with you? I know for a fact that you’re not the only interviewer on the payroll, I checked EBWF.net. Why don’t I ever get Renee or Cathy or Michael Cole?
Alex Marvez: I drew the short straw.
MJF: Excuse me?! Are you telling me that you’re all trying NOT to interview the future of this sport? Come here.
MJF leans in towards Alex Marvez and breathes in his face.
MJF: That’s rarefied air, Buddy. You should be honoured that you get to spend time with me. People usually pay hundreds of dollars for a photo and an autograph, and here I am actually talking to you.
Alex Marvez: Can we get on with the interview, please?
MJF: What’s your hurry? Fine. Ask me the same questions you always ask me.
Alex Marvez: What are your goals for this upcoming Last Survivor match?
MJF: What kind of dumb question was that? I’m clearly going to win the whole shebang, and frankly I’m quite offended that you don’t seem to share that opinion. Who do you think is going to win, Marvez?
Alex Marvez: Well, there are a few people I’d consider contenders. There’s Roman Reigns…
MJF: Let me stop you there…Roman Reigns doesn’t even seem to know what he’s competing for. He said he’s trying to win a spot at Wrestlemania. You’re gonna need a new contract with the other promotion to get on Wrestlemania, pal…he says that he runs his yard, but you see Marvez, I stepped into Roman’s yard just yesterday. I walked across his yard, and I stepped onto his porch, and I opened his door…I walked up his stairs, and went into his bedroom, where I found his wife, Galina. And I may not have stepped inside his ring, but I sure stepped inside hers. No wait, stepped is the wrong verb…aww, sorry marks, you don’t get to make a Kevin Nash meme of me because I understand parts of speech…no, stepped is definitely the wrong verb for what I did inside Galina’s ring…oh, that’s right, the verb I’m looking for is came…Y’know, Roman, if I were you, I’d stay out my way. You see, Last Survivor is an apt name for you, and we wouldn’t want to leave poor old Patricia without any sons now would we?
Alex Marvez: That’s pretty uncalled for.
MJF: Is it? People are going into this match forgetting what I’m capable of…and I don’t just mean my work on the stick, because if we were talking about people who knew how to work a stick, Galina would be right at the top of the list…or that I’m a pro wrestling prodigy…I mean the fact that I will go to any lengths to get the job done. Let me jog your memory.
MJF directed Alex’s attention to the monitor behind them. It showed edited highlights from last year’s Last Survivor match, including MJF eliminating Christian Cage, Nick Jackson and Maven, as well as hitting Tama Tonga with a chair, choking Kane with a chain and hitting the Double Cross on Aiden English onto a chair.
MJF: Last year it took four guys to get me over that top rope. The Dynasty were responsible for about a third of the eliminations. This year the dWo are stronger and better prepared.
Alex Marvez: dWo may be stronger than The Dynasty was, but the roster as a whole is stronger than last year. We have a lot of new faces, people like Brock Anderson for example. Do you see him as a potential threat to your own success, or maybe even a dark horse that could win the match?
MJF: I saw what Brock said, on YouTube, obviously, and Brock, you shouldn’t feel bad about being bested by me. You’ve just joined the long list of guys I’ve bested in my time here, and quite a few of them are in this match with us. Look at Christian Cage…he cried like a baby when he was in the Salt of the Earth just like you did, we even got mugs printed. To answer the question, do I think that Brock Anderson can get through a full match against Seth Rollins, then enter the Last Survivor match at number 12 and last until number 23, with Seth Rollins entering in between, and be a threat to me? He couldn’t even beat me when he was fresh and rested, so no, the answer is no. If you’d asked me if I see Arn drowning his sorrows when he watches his kid lose twice in one night, then I’d be saying yes. But as far as seeing him as a threat when I disposed of him so easily last week? That’s possibly the dumbest thing you’ve said since I got here, and believe me when I say that you’d already set that bar pretty damn high.
Alex Marvez: So maybe not Brock, but you will be entering the match immediately after Hook, who you have a lot of history with.
MJF: I do have a lot of history with Hook, and unlike Daddy Tazz, Daddy Max remembers the real history. He “got his revenge” at Christmas Eve – still offensive to non-Christians by the way – of Destruction? How did he get his revenge? By beating Hobbs? Last time I checked, I’d beaten Hook twice in singles competition and he had only beaten my partner in a tag team match. So again, not a concern for me. You can say the same for the other guys I’ve beaten time after time after time: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Christian Cage, Dick Starks…hell, who HASN’T beaten Starks at this point? There’s a word to sum up all of these people, and that word is M-M-M-MID! And speaking of one word being able to sum up multiple opponents, let’s save some time by summing up The Dudley Boyz, The Rock, Rey Mysterio, Stone Cold and Christian with the word: Attitude. Or maybe geriatric works just as well.
Alex Marvez: What about some younger talent, Adam Cole or The Acclaimed?
MJF: Adam Cole claims to be a lone wolf, yet he’s been in more stables than every entrant of the Kentucky Derby combined. And I learned all I know about the Kentucky Derby from my good friend, Jim Cornette, a hero among men and the greatest wrestling mind since Bobby Heenan. And as far as The Acclaimed are concerned…
Max, I thought that we’d be able to play nice
But it seems I have to rap battle the new Vanilla Ice
Or maybe you’re really the new Fresh Prince
Because your rap skills are crap and just don’t convince
Simone Biles wants babies with Jonathan Owens
I bet you’re sad you can’t have one with Anthony Bowens
But it seems I have to rap battle the new Vanilla Ice
Or maybe you’re really the new Fresh Prince
Because your rap skills are crap and just don’t convince
Simone Biles wants babies with Jonathan Owens
I bet you’re sad you can’t have one with Anthony Bowens
MJF: Sorry Marvez, rapping isn’t really my thing, but then again it isn’t Caster’s either. I think I’ll stick to Christmas poems…That reminds me, on the topic of assaulting women, Matt Riddle is also in this match. Poor Matt took the song “I Want Candy” a little too seriously. Well Matt, at Last Survivor, you’re the one that’ll be going down…along with the other 29 competitors in this match. Because my name is Maxwell Jacob Friedman, and I’m better than every single one of you, and you know it.
Alex Marvez: But what about Bray Wyatt?
MJF: I already said my catchphrase, Marvez, you idiot. You were supposed to cut to black. Now we’re still talking after I already did my bit. You want to talk about the fiend? If you EVER ask me something after my catchphrase again, you’ll be dealing with the devil! Turn off that f*cking camera!
Cut to black.
