Sucking Amnesia

[D.J]

Bro Awesome was absolutely rolling- Miz was set to defend the EBWF Championship against Roman Reigns and Riddle had been on a winning streak of sorts over the previous couple of weeks. This week The EBWF Champion would be back in action against a man who had certainly been making waves in the EBWF Universe, most notably on social media, in Christian Cage. Miz had gone one on one with Christian many times over the course of his career, resulting in one Miz win after another. The Miz was hitting his stride in a way that we hadn't seen in quite sometime, heading up "Bro Awesome" was certainly agreeing with his character and it was starting to take off in a major way. The fans would certainly be excited that they would get to watch The Miz compete on Warfare against a very, very unpopular adversary.

The scene opened up on The Bro Awesome RV. Comically, Mickie, Michael Cole, Riddle, and Miz were all not driving. This time Alex Riley drove the RV. He wore a sign around his neck that said "Wes can't find literally anything else for me to do" Riddle and Cole played rock paper scissors while Mickie laid down with the back of her head on a sitting Miz' lap. All 3 male members of the crew wore "Bro Awesome" T-shirts and Miz had the EBWF Championship over the top of the couch above his right shoulder. There was several beats, and Michael Cole and Riddle continuously tied in Rock Paper Scissors both throwing Rock over and over again.

Riddle: Cole- you are tough at this game bro. I keep thinking you're going to change your mind on what you throw, but you keep going back to rock.

Michael Cole: It's because I rock bro.

RIddle: You do, you totally do Rock. Let's take 5 and listen to Miz. Miz, bro, you gotta have some thoughts going into a match with Christian.

The Miz was seemingly staring off into space a touch, but seemed to come back to reality when Riddle addressed him.

The Miz: Oh Christian? You mean the greatest of all time? I don't really know what's been in the water around here lately, but I got one idiot consistently coming on television telling me the same lines over and over again. It's my ring, it's my camera, it's my show, I'm going to SMASH YOUR ASS. Then I got another one in Christian who is literally in multiple beefs with the female division- who's telling me he's the greatest of all time, when I'm pretty sure he's never even won a match here in the last like 2 years or so. Now I get it, back in the day Christian had some success, he was the EBWF Champion for a hot second, but it's almost as if someone has crawled into his body for the last like say "Coalition" amount of time- and has just decided to make sure he never quite does or says enough to get into anyone's head, or have any real impact on ANYTHING important that goes on in this company, but also feel as though he is the best thing in the company, in a strange way that makes everyone that isn't him kinda like hate him, but also feel sad at the same time. It's a real conundrum.

Michael Cole: Conundrum A-F bro.

The Miz smirked.

The Miz: I mean honestly, Christian Cage like recently claimed he was the greatest in EBWF history. He claimed I was a Rock wanna be, he claimed I only got my girl to love me because she is a gold digger. Now I sayin' she's a gold digger.. but she aint messin with no..

Mickie James Mizanin: I'm not doing it. I didn't marry you for your money, I married you because you're too sexy.

Michael Cole: Right Said Fred, Bro.

The Miz looked at Cole and smiled at his pop culture knoweldge.

The Miz: Honestly Christian, are you even trying anymore. It's like you literally went into a "Worst insults for The Miz" book and then just vomited them onto all my Mizfits the other day. Like do you even want to win? Do you even want to make anyone think you could turn this thing around? Or do you want to just be on twitter and threatening to beat up girls like your Ike Turner or that former Bengals running back on twitter from the other day. Speaking of which did you see that?

Riddle raised his hand.

The Miz: Well Matt, you don't have to raise your hand you can just say you did.. but okay.

Riddle put his hand down as if he'd been called on.

Riddle: I saw it bro, it was pretty gnarly. I do think however that your match against Christian might be even worse than that.

The Miz nodded.

The Miz: I mean I think you can pretty much count on that. You see there's not a ton of certainties in this life, and there's even less in this business. However, every time that it's The Miz and it's Christian, it's a 100 percent certainty that I'm not only going to win, but it's going to be hilariously lopsided. Like I love Wes, he's my friend, but I almost feel like whenever I get booked with Christian, it's just a way for him to like get a laugh, because he hates this guy just as much as the rest of us do. I mean before you know it he'll be driving our RV for a small paycheck so that his family can have pop-tarts for dinner.

Riley went to interject angrily. Michael Cole interrupted.

Michael Cole: Brown sugar bro.

Riddle: I don't know bro, I was always more of a strawberry guy.

Michael Cole thought, blew a bubble with the gum he was chewing, and retorted.

Michael Cole: Brown sugar bro.

Riddle nodded.

Riddle: Good point, brown sugar it is, bro.

Cole flashed a cocky smile and fist bumped with Riddle.

The Miz: Honestly though, I feel like Wes is pretty stressed, he's a busy guy, he's got just a ton going on. So whenever a week is like tough, and he doesn't laugh a lot, he doesn't get to hang with me on the weekend, he doesn't get to have any fun, he just sits in his mansion and he's like you know what would be funny, let me put Christian against The Miz, that would give me the laugh that I've been missing this week. You know something though, to be quite honest, I'm living for it. This whole lead up to my match with Roman Reigns has been entertaining, it's been eye opening, I've spent a lot of time looking around and wondering where anyone who has any talent is in this company right now, and then just when I think there's absolutely nobody intriguing to face, just when I start feeling like there's absolutely nobody who can challenge me for my title, just when I think there's nobody that could be remotely competitive, I get matched up with arguably... the WORST person to ever grace an EBWF ring. Christian is a different kind of bad, and as much as I usually love the choices Wes makes, I actually want to see him face Becky Lynch like the twitter war has pined for. Becky Lynch would beat him up down and around, and it would be absolutely spectacular to watch. Do I think that match is going to happen? I don't- Wes has already said no- similar to every girl Christian has ever propositioned- and he doesn't go back on his word. FORTUNATELY for all of those hoping to be entertained by Christian getting lapped in the ring by Becky, you now on Warfare get to watch, the person who actually is LITERALLY the best to ever do it- beat the crazy out of this freaking looney tune- which will lead to Christian having a real wake up call- and bring him to the thrilling conclusion that he's just not... oh who am I kidding? It's not going to teach him anything. I'm going to decimate him, humiliate him, embarass him, but he's still going to show up next week with that same strange confidence, that same strong feeling of self importance, that literally nobody shares. It's almost charming. Like imagine you played piano, and instead of being able to play songs you just like head butt the keys in front of people. Then imagine saying you are the greatest pianist of all time. That's Christian. Christian is literally head butting the keys, and he thinks he's playing friggin Beethoven.

Michael Cole: Big ass dog bro.

Riddle: Ohhhh man, I loved that movie, bro.

Mickie James Mizanin: Oh my god, I remember that movie, he was soooo cute.

The Miz looked at each of his cohorts one by one.

The Miz: Yeah guys, I'm not talking about the dog, I'm talking about the pianist. Like that was the analogy.

Riddle: What's an analogy bro?

Michael Cole: Similes and metaphors, bro.

The Miz shook his head.

The Miz: I want to say that I want to wake Christian up from this weird dream he seems to be having, but I honestly think this dude has officially flown over the Coo Coo's nest so far that there's really no saving him. He's crazy, but it's like not even salvageable. So here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to show up. I'll bring apple sauce, I'll feed it to Christian- I'll mix his meds into it- I'll then beat him in our match, because that's what I do every time we have a match. Then I'll bring him to the nice folks at the local insane asylum. There he will be able to eat more apple sauce, maybe some pudding, maybe he can talk more trash on twitter if they give him computer privileges, but for once we won't have to listen to him do a 13 minute monologue that people take a piss during each and every episode of Warfare. I'm in a weird spot right now guys, because I feel as good as I've ever felt in this business. I'm having fun, we got momentum, we got the top spot, we're the guys. However, what really drives me is when I have someone to go up against that gets the people going.

Michael Cole: Ball so hard bro.

The Miz: Hah, good reference Cole as usual, it's perfect because when Christian talks he says stuff that nobody knows what it means, and honestly it's so confusing that I'm not even sure if it's provocative or not.. and it most CERTAINLY does not get the people going.. unless it's going to the rest room, or going to do something else. I mean it though, I'm actually kind of bored with what's been thrown at me as of late. Roman Reigns literally is coming at me like a not that sophisticated roboot that is somehow still malfunctioning week in and week out, and then just when I think it can't get any worse, I get the world's biggest "HUH?!" in the history of the EBWF. That's honestly the best way I can describe him, he comes out, he's confident, fans go "HUH!?" He comes out again, guarantees victory, loses, fans go "HUH?!" He remains employed by the EBWF fans go "HUH!?"

Michael Cole: Huh bro?

Riddle: Huh indeed bro!

The Miz: It's nothing but complete and utter confusion. Here's one thing though that will never be confusing. The Miz is the standard in this company, I'm not trying to be the next Rock, I'm not trying to be anything, but I have SUCCEEDED in being the ONLY Miz. Contrary to your belief, I get chances at the EBWF Championship because I deserve them. I've won this title 7 times because I'm freaking good enough to hold it. I've beaten you 1 million 200 thousand 4 hundred and seventy two times already because you're freaking terrible at this job, and no matter how many times I or other people have tried to tell you, you just don't seem to care or feel the need to listen. Christian, buddy pal, don't listen to these words and give me a "HUH?" like everybody else gives you. Really dig down deep in your convoluted and obviously pea sized brain and try and hear what I'm saying to you. For ONCE listen to these words and follow them. QUIT THIS BUSINESS. You stink at it. You're not interesting, you're not smart, you're not talented, you don't have good ideas, you don't belong in this business. Unless Edge is next you, nobody has ever, nor will EVER care about you. If you came out tomorrow and said that you have NO interest in facing me, and that you'd like to retire. It would be the first freaking words out of your mouth recently that wouldn't be met with a "Huh?" it would be met with a group of people letting out one big collective sigh and the word "finally." You won't do that though Christian, will you? You won't you'll show up full of inexplicable confidence, and you'll once again get beat within an inch of your meaningless, confusing, not entertaining existence.

Michael Cole: Sucking amnesia bro.

The Miz looked at Cole and squinted as if he was processing those words. A wry smile formed on his face.

The Miz: You know what Cole, that is exactly what it is. This guy has literal SUCKING AMNESIA. He sucks week in and week out, yet he always just seems to forget that. I've accomplished a lot in my career here, but I have a new goal in my life, a new goal on this EBWF journey that I'm on. This week, I want to beat Christian SO bad that even he can't forget about it. I want to destroy this guy to the degree that he NEVER forgets again, just how bad he really is, just how much he really sucks. Because for as many times as I've beaten this guy, I have so CLEARLY not accomplished that feat yet, and nor has anyone else. SO there it is guys, motivation, what I've been looking for, something that intrigues me, there it freaking is. The Miz is going to set out this week to beat Christian so bad that I rid this absolute buffoon of his SUCKING AMNESIA, once and for all. If anyone can do it, it's me.

BECAUSE I'M THE MIZ

AND I'MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


Michael Cole: Awesome bro.

The Miz: What Cole said...

beat.

The Miz: Bro.

The scene faded to black.