[[thump-thump-thump. The sounds of a man’s feet walking can be heard echoing from the alley. But something else is noticeable coming from this man, with each step he takes the tiles beneath his feet light up like he was living in a Michael Jackson Billy Jean music video. The man glides with a grace unmatched by any mortal; past, present or future. His grace is not at all feminine however – there is no doubt that this individual is all man. He does not discrete body odder, instead he smells of a fine aged wood and rich leather. His hair waves in the wind and bounces with each movement in such perfect style and manner that it would make Fabio jealous. From 100 yards away people can feel his presence and turn to greet him. He is Braden Walker, and he’s the most interesting brain basher in the world.
As he exit the dark alley the people on the street are drawn to his magnetism like a moth is pulled in by the flame. A swarm of people begins to amass around the man, the men attempt to glance upon the entity they wish to be, and the women swoon and look upon him with lustful ambition. Braden stands among the sea of people triumphantly – with his mighty hands placed firmly upon his godlike hips. His broad shoulders pressed back with pride as his warrior’s chest puffs out. An unmistakable aura surrounds and engulfs him as beams of light shinning from the heavens bath him in a pool of illuminated magnificence.
Suddenly, his super human ears are able to detect the faint sounds of an elderly lady crying for help. With one flick of his wrists, he commands the horde of humanity to part and make way for their hero. He wastes no time on pleasantries – there is danger afoot and he intends to investigate!
His movement as he rushes towards the sound of disturbance are akin to Apollo, swift, elegant, and blindingly quick. The man formerly known as Wildcat has superseded his former moniker – he would put even a cheetah to shame. Defying all sense of reason or logic, he actually arrives at his destination 3 seconds before he even left. He is simply that marvelous. Once there he notices an elderly woman shouting for help...]]
Braden Walker: What seems to be the problem ma’am?
Elderly Lady: Oh my goodness, who are you?
Braden Walker: Oh, I’m sorry – Braden Walker, pleased to meet you.
Elderly Lady: Oh please help, there is a fire in my house and my poor kitty is trapped behind the fire.
[[Without a moments hesitation Braden rushes towards the entrance to the home.]]
Elderly Lady: What are you going to do?
Braden Walker: I’m gonna bash the fire’s brains out!
[[Braden stands at the front door, the flames begin to build in volume and intensity. He boldly places his hands on his hips and walks towards the growing inferno. A flicker of a flame reaches out to attempt to burn our hero, however as Braden puts his arm out to block the ash from floating into his eyes, the hair on his arm begins to ward off the fire. The hair on his head spontaneously forms a giant fan-like device that allows him to press forwards without delay. He reaches the laundry room where the cat is perched high atop a cat’s mega sized scratching post/gymnasium. The fire has scared it. But Braden is unphased by the danger that surrounds him. He thrusts his awesome helping hands into the base of the flame to pick up the cat’s post and hoists it to the sky. The cat claws deep into the fabric and will not leave his safe position.
Braden Walker rushes the poor animal out of the building, the elderly lady’s eyes light up with overcome joy for her companion. Braden places the post safely to the ground, at which point the cat jumps into the waiting arms of it’s master.]]
Elderly Lady: Oh my god, thank you so much!
[[Braden nods and gently pets the feline before turning around and heading back towards the burning house.]]
Elderly Lady: Wait! The fire department is on their way, don’t risk yourself!
[[Braden appreciates the sentimentality, but knows that he doesn’t have a choice. If he didn’t act fast, this poor woman’s most cherished life collection might be destroyed. Braden wasn’t a destroyer like some people – people like the villainous Muhammad Hassan. No sir! Braden Walker was a hero, a champion of the people, a first ballot Hall of Famer; not only in wrestling but in life. He did what was right, despite any odds.
And so, he ran to the backyard and found a hose. With lightning speed he turned the facet on. The cool running waters of justice sprayed forth! Braden, with hose in hand, kicked in the back door, which lead directly into the kitchen.]]
Braden Walker: Knock-knock!
[[SPLASH! The water fell upon the fire. Momentarily slowing it’s progress. But Braden Walker knew there was precious little time and the fire department might not make it in time to save the structure. And so, with a Superman-esque gulp of air he blew with all his might. The fire parted, and the smoldering ash was extinguished by the running water. From outside he could hear the whaling sirens of the fire trucks approaching, but as he took a look around and saw the cherished photos from family vacations, the trinkets that grandchildren had made for her, and the assorted collectables from a lifetime well lived he knew he had saved some priceless heirlooms.
The triumphant warrior emerged from the doorway, a crowd of cheering people shouted their approval as the smoke cleared behind him. The fire truck’s lights waved back and forth as the crowd chanted for the mysterious hero. The fire chief approached him - ]]
Fire Chief: Son, that’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen a civilian do. You deserve a medal for this!
[[Braden put his hands up in a dismissive manner, he had not room in his heart of the praise and accolades, he was simply on a quest to right the wrongs in the world around him. To do good, and bring smiles to the faces of the defeated. To stand as a symbol of what we all could become.
As luck would have it, he glanced up ward to see a small boy climbing a tree in an attempt to get a better look at his new idol. But unfortunately for the small child, the branch was insufficient to support his weight. Walker noticed the bending in the bark before the snap and was able to leap into action yet again.
The helpless kid tumbles through the air, but Braden Walker had been hitting the gym furiously in preparation to his triumphant return to the squared circle against the dreaded Muhammad Hassan. He represented the lowest of the low – an American who had betrayed the ideals of his country. A man who turned his back on his nation, to make a point. He felt he was above America. He felt superior to Braden Walker’s homeland. This did not sit well with the undefeated icon. As a result, he would not be caught off guard. His rigorous athletic training had put him in top form, even for him. With his finely honed muscular physic, he was able to reach and safely catch the child before harm could befall them. The young lad began to jump for joy once he was safely on his own two feet.]]
Braden Walker: I’m glad you’re alright, but be careful you little rascal.
[[The mother of the child came rushing up and hugged her precious boy. Braden playfully tousled the young man’s hair while the mother kissed him on the cheek. She jumped to her feet to hug and thank her champion for saving her boy. As she does this, the wind picks up and Braden’s majestic hair flows in the air. He once again places his hands upon his hips and stand victorious. Something about this moment reminded him about his legendary match against Armondo Estrada on ECW – that one time. The pride and joy he experienced that day was mirrored in this moment, although saving a child from pain and the memories of a lifetime well spent was even more incredible than that time he faced that other guy on ECW, you know, the week after that other match.
Along with the crowd of people cheering for the man known only as Braden Walker, several news reporters started creeping forth, armed with cameras and microphones.]]
News Woman 1: Excuse me! Excuse me!
Braden Walker: Vicky Guerrero?!
[[Braden looked. No, it was not Vicky... Braden marveled at this new experience – he had always wanted to try being wrong at least once…]]
News Woman 1: Just who are you incredible stranger?
Braden Walker:Ah – Braden Walker, pleased to meet you!
News Man 1: Where do you come from? Why are you here?
Braden Walker: Well, I come from EBWF, and I’m here to bash Muhammad Hassan’s brains out!
[[The swarming crowd chants “Bra-Den! Bra-Den!” before shifting to “Bash His Brains Out *clap-clap-clapclapclap!*” Braden stands soaking in the adulation of this crowd – his clothing impeccable and unaltered by the commotion.]]
Shop Owner: Mr. Walker! Mr. Walker! I would love to name a sandwich after you!
[[Braden smiles. By his estimation, this would be the 1,000th time someone had named a dish after him.]]
News Woman 2: Braden! What do you plan to do now?
[[Braden thought for a moment – he knew on his horizon was the task of bashing Muhammad Hassan’s brains out, but today had been such a pleasant day, he didn’t want to worry about such things. He figured he saved the memories of a life, and saved a child from injury, he might as well round out his day by saving a life - ]]
Braden Walker: Well, I thought I might donate some blood.
[[The crowd laughs a bit, Braden looks on with confusion. He wasn’t kidding. He decides this informal interview was over, he had to make it to the blood bank before the day was over and he would speak plenty tomorrow when EBWF interviewed him about his triumphant one-time return. Besides, he had left a bowl of cereal unfinished this morning. Not that he was worried about it being soggy after all this time – after all, cereal remained cold and crispy for Braden Walker, no matter how long is sat in milk.]]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[[The camera fades in from black, focusing in on the world’s greatest living man; Braden Walker. The greatest oozes from his pores. His magnificence is not done justice by the camera. Only when standing in front of him, being in his presence, only than do you understand the majesty of his aura. Kevin Kelly stands a few feet from Braden, his hand slightly shielding his eyes, as though the splendor of being in Walker’s eyeline was too much greatness to handle. He opens his mouth to speak and ask his questions, but his voice is lost in sheer admiration of who he’s speaking to...The audience begins to scream so loud, that no one would be able to hear anyway. Braden, stands with his hands on his hips. Bold. Charismatic. The epitome of manliness. Rays of supremacy shine brightly at the camera, creating a majestic, near blinding atmosphere. Kelly attempts to proceed with the interview...]]
Kevin Kelly: Braden Walker, you are – I’m sorry, I can’t help myself, you’re amazing, you’re incredible, you make me want to be a better man.
[[Braden tilts his head in acknowledgement of Kelly, but says nothing. He’s heard these words before, but they won’t save him or cushion the blows that Muahmmad Hassan was planning on reigning down upon him. He must remain focused and in a state of ever alert. No time to rest on his laurels.]]
Braden Walker: Well Kevin Kelly, my name is Braden Walker, and I’m here to knock Hassan’s brains out!
Kevin Kelly: Well that somewhat brings me to a question I had – earlier this evening he announced he was going to go by his original name of Mark Magnus.
Braden Walker: Huh, well that doesn’t change a thing. What’s that old saying? Knock-knock?
Kevin Kelly: Who’s there?
Braden Walker: Muhammad Magnus getting his brains bashed!
[[Massive pop, the arena erupts. It shakes and trembles with the might of the fan’s love for the greatest superstar to ever live.]]
Braden Walker: Here it is – the game plan, the mission statement – I got out there, to that ring, and I do what no one else has done before or since. I continue my undefeated streak. Never before in history has someone come and gone through WWE and EBWF without ever having their shoulders to the mat. And I don’t care if he reverts to his old Magnus gimmick, if he makes a new Ice Cream Man gimmick, hell he can get a Cuban manager gimmick, cause we’ve all seen how easily I dispose of those. His changes, his alterations, it’s just what it is; gimmicks. I am Braden Walker. I am Braden Walker. I am Braden...WALKER! Let me ask you something Kevin Kelly, in 2008, when I was setting TV rating records by talking with Matt Hardy backstage, at that point had anyone ever even heard of Muhammad Hassan?
Kevin Kelly: Actually, if I’m not mistaken, he had already come and gone from WWE by then in 2005.
Braden Walker: Exactly my point.
Kevin Kelly: What was your point?
Braden Walker: My point was that I was an international superstar in 2008, and this Johnny- or should I say Marky-Come-Lately didn’t even debut on a national show until years later in 2005.
Kevin Kelly: But, um, 2005 is before –
Braden Walker: And another thing, when he was done working for McMahon, what did he do?
Kevin Kelly: From my understanding he became an actor.
Braden Walker: See, there you go. No one knows where he went or what he was up to.
Kevin Kelly: If I may ask, what have you been up to in your time away from wrestling?
Braden Walker: Me? I moved to Tibet.
Kevin Kelly: You, you moved to Tibet? What were you doing there? I assume something spectacular like meditating with monks...
Braden Walker: Oh no, they meditate just fine on their own. No, my style was more teaching them how to speaking Swedish Sign Language.
Kevin Kelly: You know Swedish Sign Language?
Braden Walker: No, I just taught them how to do it. I couldn’t learn it myself as I was a little preoccupied hand feeding tigers, at which point they accepted me into their herd, I became the alpha male, which served of great benefit as luck would have it some years later I encountered that same herd which on the run from the Chilean government after something of a miscommunication.
Kevin Kelly: I’m sorry, what?
Braden Walker: Oh, it’s all water under the bridge now. Actually I play golf with Sebastian Pinera on Wednesdays now. In fact, little known fact, he and my old friend Kevin Nash run a wrestling school down there in South America, and as luck would have it, they happen to be around last week for my training to beat Muhamm—I mean Mark Magnus.
Kevin Kelly: Do you have a specific strategy?
Bradn Walker: Well now, that’s the million dollar question, and I have the billion dollar answer, and after I go out there and deliver the trillion dollar match, the quadrillions of Braden Walker fans will celebrate!
Kevin Kelly: Braden, I don’t think there are nearly that many people on the planet...
Braden Walker: Who said BradenMania is only running wild on this particular third rock orbiting a star?
[[Braden looks up to the heavens, and as he does the arena shakes, at first just from the roar of the audience who has been popping like a school girl at a Justin Beiber concert this entire interview, but then the shaking takes on an unearthly feel. Beams of green light begin to pierce the roof and from all directions countless voices begin to chant for Braden. The voice aren’t from the fans, but rather from thin air – as though all the intergalactic species of the universe gathered together to shout their praise for Braden in unison. There may never be peace in the middle east, and for all we know the evil Galactic Empire is still hunting down the Rebel Alliance, but on this day, in this moment, for this brief shinning point in history, all lifeforms, large and small, grouped together to stand up and in one booming voice throw their emotion support behind Braden Walker – the man, the myth, the legend, the irreplaceable, the untouchable, the unshakable, the untamable, the one and only, the Interdimensional Icon! BradenMania just became universal!]]
Braden Walker: I’m Braden Walker, and Mark Magnus, I’m gonna knock your brains out!
[[Kevin Kelly is left speechless. Braden walks off camera. Greatness, thy name is Braden Walker.]]
Braden-Mutha-Fuggin'-Walker!
Re: Braden-Mutha-Fuggin'-Walker!
We really need a like button. haha
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