Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, for this very special 500th episode.
Jerry Lawler:
You know JR, this whole night has just felt like one big party!
[[Just then, “S.C.O.M.” by Fort Minor begins to play on the speakers, and Kevin Nash’s video flashes on the giant screen.]]
Speaking of partying, Kevin Nash!
Jim Ross:
I got a feeling Big Sexy won’t be in a partying mood, business is about to pick up!
[[Kevin Nash comes out from behind the curtain, however he’s not wearing his wrestling gear. He’s got on a dark suit with grey shirt. Obviously, he’s not intending to work a match anytime soon. Over his shoulder sits a folded up shirt. He walks in and does the Kliq hand gesture. The crowd pops. A number of fans throw up the gesture as well.]]
Kevin Nash made his surprise return last week to save long time friend Scott Hall form the hands of AJ Styles.
Jerry Lawler:
But what is he doing here JR?
Jim Ross:
Well King, I don’t know, but if I know Kevin Nash I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell us.
Jerry Lawler:
It doesn’t look like he’s ready to wrestle here tonight.
Jim Ross:
Well, let’s see what the big man has to say King.
[[Nash gets to the ring, goes over the top rope, and throws up the gesture. A few fireworks go off behind him, and once again, the crowd pops. He walks over and picks up a mic. But before he talks, he sits for a few seconds and enjoys the crowd’s reaction.]]
Well, look at that. Really spruced this bad boy up didn’t they. Got the fancy “500” graphics running. JR, King, you two gentlemen are looking pretty snazzy in those tuxedos. And I know you folks at home can’t tell, but believe it or not, these ropes here –
[[Nash starts playfully hitting the ropes a bit.]]
New ropes. I kid you not. Someone, somewhere, decided they needed to make this Warfare a B.F.D. so why not pick up a few new ropes. Which almost makes me glad I’m not working a match tonight cause breaking in new ropes hurts like a mutha. Trust me.
But I guess the news is out there. See, if you all pulled out your tickets, you’d notice a little message on them, I don’t know exactly what it says, but it’s something like “card subject to change” or “hey, it changed, roll with it.” Which is a pretty good lesson not only for the old rasslin’ events but for life too. Things change all the time. Sometimes it’s quick, sometimes it’s gradual, but you can’t stop the change in tides. You see, once upon a time, I’d have some beef with a guy, he’d have a few choice words for me, boom-boom-boom, time to settle things in the ring. It’s not rocket science, it’s the foundation of this industry. Conflict, challenge, match. Booking 101 by Professor Nash right there.
Unfortunately, if you were paying attention to the lesson, you’d remember I said things change. Well, this is one of those kind of things. You folks out there in TV land and the ones sitting in this arena probably don’t know who Hope Clemente is. She is the good doctor for all us knuckle dragging Neanderthal guys who haven’t found a less painful way to make a living. Sweet gal, looks suspiciously like Patricia Heaton, and ultimately is responsible for making sure that a bunch of guys who have dozens of matches every month stay healthy.
Well, back in the day, I might go a few weeks or even a couple months without seeing her or any doctor. Take a nightly dose of 12-pack before bed and sleep off the pain. These days, I don’t go to see her, she comes to see me. One of the things they do for us old timers, is they check us out before our matches, to make sure we’re not going to fall apart half way through a bout. Well, Wednesday rolls around, and it turns out, I couldn’t get medically cleared for tonight’s show.
[[The audience boos, very emphatically.]]
Although I did really enjoy the speculation as to why I wouldn’t work a match, the truth just isn’t that exciting. Given all the bad blood between me and Wes, or me and AJ, or me and the rest of management, or me and – well pretty much anybody here, I think I get why so many of you thought it might be personal. But I assure you, Styles can’t wait to have a match fans actually care about, and Wes is just dying for me to make him more money – so it’s nothing to do with any backstage feelys. In fact, even though I don’t have a match tonight, that didn’t stop the good accountants a few blocks away from here from figuring out that Kevin Nash shirt are awesome. Soooo…
[[Kevin takes the T-Shirt hanging over his shoulder, unfolds it and holds it up to his face and begins to give a cheesy, big grinned, promotional plug for his new shirt.]]
Be sure to buy your very own Kevin Nash t-shirt! On the front here we have this nifty little logo thingy with me name on it. Some of you might have noticed the new pic on my entrance video too. Nice touch there. And on the back “Big Bad Boy.” Let the ladies know you’re big, your enemies know you’re bad, and world know you’re a boy... Or, something like that. I guess we went with boy cause we needed a third “b” word? I don’t know. I don’t design the damn things, I just shovel ‘em. Proceeds go to the “Kev needs money” foundation, as well as the “Wes is already rich as sin, but he wants his cut too” organization. Go on right now, you might as well get them, cause I’m about to talk about something no one here could possibly give a damn about: AJ Styles.
[[Crowd boos.]]
Now since his dance card freed up, you all are going to enjoy him taking on, uh, some guy who wears a Ric Flair robe for a Championship…NOT the World Title mind you, cause let’s face it, more people would pay to see Orton defend the tag strap before they would be fooled into buying Styles in a World Title bout. I get it. Trust me, I really do get it. I mean, you guys are here for sensational. You’re here for incredible. You want to see, truly phenomenal. Not just slogan, but real. And at the end of the day, you’re not that Styles. Here let me show you.
[[Kevin Nash exits the ring and begins to walk around the front row of the crowd. People cheer and pat him on the back as he walks by, before finally stopping at a guy in the audience wearing a John Cena t-shirt.]]
See now here’s a fan. Tell me your name sir.
Joe:
Joe. Joe Benson.
Kevin Nash:
Now tell me Joe, Joe Benson, who are you wearing.
Joe:
John Cena.
Kevin Nash:
John Felix Anthony Cena. And for the lady seated next to Joe, Joe Benson who are you here to see tonight?
Lady:
Oh, I just think you are all cool.
Kevin Nash:
All cool! EBWF is all cool. Show goes up, matches happen, crowd leaves happy. It’s a pretty fine way to spend an evening. How about you, guy who will hence forth be known as “dude who looks like Billy Corgan.”
[[The camera pans over to see the real Billy Corgan sitting front row, smiling and laughing. Kevin Nash cracks a big smile on his face, and the two guys shake hands and give a quick hug. Nash then holds the microphone up to Corgan.]]
EBWF is the best show on TV. Everyone is truly exceptional.
Kevin Nash:
Everyone is truly exceptional. We’re all like little special snowflakes.
[[Nash walks around near the announce tables and grabs a folding chair and slides it into the ring.]]
See, this is packed house. EBWF is selling out arenas world wide. The brand EBWF is huge, and people pay money to see it. And that – that is every promoter’s dream come true. Because it means the machine is working. It’s cranking out a product, and people are buying it. But what it means for all us boys in the back? It means we’re a cog in the machine.
[[Kevin walks up the steps, and goes over the top rope to get back in the ring. He sets his folding chair in the middle and sits down. He continues to speak in a nonchalant manner.]]
AJ Styles, you are another cog. One year ago, I challenged you, I told you it was time for you to step up. Being a worker, that’s all well and good. You’re living the dream, you’re wrestling in front of sold out crowds every night. And maybe that’s enough for you. But I thought I saw more. I always thought, there was something else to you. I always believed you had the potential to be THE man. In the 80’s, people weren’t buying tickets to see WWF or NWA, they wanted Ric Flair, they paid to see Hulk Hogan. In the 90’s it was HBK, it was the nWo, and eventually it became Steve Austin. Then it was DX in the spotlight again – and Shawn showing the world he was still the main course. And then came along this guy. Good looking kid, charismatic, and he could GO in the ring. I’m not talking about hang with top talent, I’m saying he had the right stuff to make vets look like gassed amateurs.
And the world sat back, it said, “alright, let’s see what this guy has.” And he flipped, and he bumped, and he worked every house show in the world. And the world looked at him and asked “Yeah, but what do you REALLY have?” And he came back, he bought pants instead of shorts, he grew some facial hair, he started using big boy language in the promos. And the audiences said “OK, but really, give us something.” And so here comes AJ, bouncing off ropes, doing new moves, twisting his body and whipping it around like Play-Doh. And finally everyone said “Right, so you’re still just doing that huh?” It’s been almost a decade that the world has been waiting for THE AJ Styles to show up. To claim his spot in history. And each time he tries, it just comes up short. And no surface change, no super duper flip is going to win the crowd.
You know the most over moves in wrestling history? The Stunner, a Leg Drop, and maybe the Figure Four leglock? You know who did the first 450 flip in a ring? Me neither. AJ, I keep telling you, the answer isn’t is flashier and flashier moves, it’s in doing something real. Actually making some kind of connection with the audience. You’re not there kid – hell you’re not even a kid anymore. You’re a grown ass man, a man who maybe doesn’t realize how quickly he’s running out of time to cement his legacy. You were telling me a year ago, you didn’t need my advice, you were over, you got over being you, and you’d be the Phenomenal One all by yourself. Well where are you today Styles?
One year later, you had a little couple week run with the tag straps where Miz carried the heavy lifting. And you’re in line for, um, not the top title, not the seconardy title, but you’re challenging for the “Path To Glory” which is suppose to give some new green workers a chance to get over? You got Paulie as your mouthpiece. Now look, you might not like me, but I’ve been around Paulie a hell of a lot longer than you. Paul Heyman has one goal, to get himself over. He gets you TV time, not because he wants the audience to care about you, but because his fat ass wants some more screen time.
One year later bud, it’s not looking great for you. So what? You want to get attention. Great. Your solution is to beatdown Scott? You won’t shut up about how old Syxx, Scott and myself are, and so after burying us non-stop you think, hey, if I mug one of them, that’ll work! That’s how I’ll get over. Beating up retired wrestlers. Face it. After ten years of letting the fans down, this is nothing more than you throwing a big ass pissy fit and taking it out on guys who at one point or another WERE that over. The problem is, you done pissed off the wrong old timers.
[[Nash stands up and starts getting more and more angry as he addresses the camera.]]
See, ordinarily I’d be ready to fight you in the ring just for smiles and grins. But then you went after a friend of mine, which means I’d be looking to kick your ass here, there, backstage, or in a parking lot. But you didn’t just assault a friend, you assaulted my best friend – a guy who I know for a fact battles tougher enemies in his personal life on a daily basis – which means right about now I’m ready to fucking destroy you, you little piece of rat shit!
[[Meanwhile: the FCC begins to write out fines for the company...]]
Oh boy, better watch your tongue there Nash.
Jerry Lawler:
Can he say that JR?
Jim Ross:
It’s Kevin Nash, with a live mic, you go tell him to stop!
Kevin Nash:
All this time, I was waiting for you to stand alone, become the Phenomenal One...and now? Now I’m just counting down the days until Syxx gets in there. See, all these years later, and we still roll tight. You don’t fuck with family, and you just fucked with mine. When you two do eventually come head to head – for your sake, I hope you pray. Get on your knees and pray to every god you can think of that one of them will prevent me from getting to you. I’ll be sure to let Syxx beat the shit out of you, and then, you’re gonna find out that behind all the jokes, all the backstage stuff, all the fun we have out here – The Kliq still knows how to hurt people. I mean really hurt them...in ways it would sicken you to know about.
[[Nash drops the microphone. He doesn’t move an inch though, he just continues to glare into the camera.]]
I would not want to be AJ Styles right now.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
OOC: Congratulations to Ash and everyone who's worked for so many years to make Warfare an unmatched e-fed success story. 500 episodes is one hell of an achievement, and everyone who's ever written a single match or segment for the show over the years should be proud of their contributions.
Hopefully this didn't come off as too rusty. All the best to Will and Ben, can't wait to see more of their feud.
