Hey Kev.
Kevin Nash:
Yeah buddy.
Scott Hall:
You want me to go with you?
[[Nash snapped up. He wasn’t expecting to hear such an offer from his best friend. Scott had long since given up the life of the road. Too much temptation. Hell it took Nash basically begging and pleading to get him to join him late last year – and this was a trip to the UK. Not an easy jump across the pond for big guys, as sore as they were, in the planes.]]
Really man, I appreciate it, but it’s gonna be a bitch.
Scott Hall:
I’d go if you want. I know last time I was with you it wasn’t a friendly atmosphere backstage.
Kevin Nash:
Understatement brother. No, I already got my tickets all set up, 5:00am flight to Glasgow which will barely give me enough time to get through customs and to the arena. I’m just gonna do my match and I’ll be on the late flight back to Florida before the day is over.
Scott Hall:
So, you’re not doing a promo?
Kevin Nash:
No time, well they didn’t schedule me any time, so I’m just showing and going.
[[Scott stood still, starring down his best friend. He wasn’t going to let him get away with a weak answer like that.]]
When was the last time you got mic time?
Kevin Nash:
Well before the Rumble – although now that you point it out, yeah I guess I did that specifically because they didn’t give me time. The last time I got time on the sheet was our promo with Jake and Dally in December.
[[An unsettling silence hung in the air, like an elephant in the room.]]
If you’re gonna keeping working with them, you need to get over Kev. You’ve done two jobs in a row, Get back brother.
Kevin Nash:
I don’t want to fight over that shit. Besides, I like being able to watch the game here tonight with you guys. If I got promo time, I’d have to leave tonight, which means I’d miss the last half.
Scott Hall:
Kev, Kev, you’re money is your mouth.
Kevin Nash:
Don’t I know it. I don’t even move as good as when I had five moves.
Scott Hall:
So what are you gonna do?
Kevin Nash:
What do you want me to do? Get on twitter and tweet an entire promo?
Scott Hall:
What if you just wrote it on your website or something?
Kevin Nash:
The fuck are you talking about?
Scott Hall:
You got some thoughts?
Kevin Nash:
Always
Scott Hall:
Than let it out. You know? You can’t keep coasting on being recognizable. You gotta sell this shit.
Kevin Nash:
I’ll think about it.
Scott Hall:
Alright.
[[In the background, Queen Latifah finishes singing America the Beautiful. Scott heads into the living room with the other house guests. Kevin Nash pauses a moment, and then heads up to the spare room he’s using. He was going to share a few thoughts on his website. And dammit, he was going to let what was on his mind out.]]
Hey everyone,
For those thinking I was done at Rumble. Sorry, but old Kevin Nash doesn’t dye his hair black again just for one spot. Plus, I don’t know how much you follow the news going on behind the scenes, but like a quarter of the entire roster just jumped off EBWF like it hit an iceberg. So far, no one has been able to blame it one me – but give them time. I’m sure an entire team of specialists in St. Louis have been called in to fabricate some bullshit about how it’s old Kevin Nash’s fault.
Speaking of old, guess who’s old! I am. ME! Kevin Nash. I am old. Old. Old. Old. Like compared to the rest of the roster, I might as well have signed Jesus Christ’s high school yearbook. I kind of figured everyone knew I was pretty old considering I’ve been Main Eventing TV shows since the early 90’s. Yeah, that was over 20 years ago. I’ve been sitting on top of this mountain for 2 freakin’ decades. Or another way of looking at it is; let’s see how many old jokes we can make.
I don’t know if any of you poor souls sat through every single promo before the Rumble, but damn. You know how sometimes at Comedy Roasts people get stuck on one joke, and by the third or fourth comedian your begging them to say anything original? Yeah, that was pretty much what hearing people talk about me was like. Have I tried to present myself as young, cool, or hip? Fuck that. I’m old mother fucker. And if you can’t cut a promo on another other than my age, get a new fucking job cause you suck at this one. Hell at least throw in a blown out knee joke once in a while to mix it up you lazy fucks.
But I don’t want to make it sound like I’m painting the entire EBWF with a single brush. There are a lot of different people, with different perspectives and unique views in this company - - - oh wait - - - what’s that? They’re all Wes Ikeda’s personal ass wiping, company line touting stooges. Because, as far as I’m aware, I have said fuck all to anyone in that company for years. I’ve taken to Twitter and put over a load of young work horses who aren’t getting air time. And yet, everyone starts coming at me like I pissed in their mom’s mouth. But oh no, I get it, I call out Wes on his bullshit, and that makes ME the asshole. OK, good work you fucking sheep. Keep on being big Superstars. Just remember, the puppet master is the one with his hand up your ass moving your lips – it’s ok to every now and again have an original thought.
Even a couple of guys I actually thought I was cool with. John Cena, for as far back as I can remember, there hasn’t been a more out spoken supporter for you. When everyone said you were a bland as fuck, over exposed, boring ass vanilla Hulk Hogan wannabe bitch – I was actually saying the kid has charisma out the ass. He’s got the presence, the physic, and the mind to do it right. I never once had a bad thing to say about you, and you turn around and say shit about wanting me dead? Seriously? Fucking dead because I don’t get along with your BFF?
I don’t know Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect? Oh good job. You got the street tough catchphrase down you spoiled little Massachusetts rich-kid cock blister. You talk a big big game, but here’s the little secret, you’re more money driven than I am. You’re a fake wanna be ghetto star from a rich white neighborhood. I’m from fucking Murder Cuty USA, my streets would have bent you over and taught you what being a fake little shit meant where I come from. You’re on the road 300 days out of the year? Yeah, when I was your age I was on the road that much too you sanctimonious asshole. The difference? I shared a Corolla with guys like Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, Shawn Michaels and we drove town to town. Then we split rooms at the Radisson. EBWF flies you first class, gives you the suites at luxury resorts. I talk about being rich with a few million set aside to take care of me. You go in magazines that talk about how you have 55 million dollars and growing fast. Yet somehow, I’m the leech? I’m the one who took and never gave.
When I was at my peak, and don’t fool yourself, you’re no where near the level me and Scott were at when we created the nWo, we took a fuckton less than you have you selfish selfrightious prick, and we damn sure busted our asses just as hard with a lot less luxury service. So fuck you. John Felix Anthony Cena, fuck you. Everything you preach about, everything you pretend you are; I’m the real fucking deal you faking ass poser bitch! Our paths may have one crossed once in history, last month at Eve of Destruction, but I promise you one thing you small cock, steroid abusing, cookie cutter, bland, over exposed piece of shit – I’m coming for you. Fuck the title, fuck the gimmick bullshit, I am a genuine product of the street, and the shit you said need to be repaid. And I’m gonna get it. Mark my fucking words.
But this issue with John Cena, let’s go ahead and put it on the back burner. Cause it seems like the old, old old, Kevin Nash somehow is in the main event again...wait, I mean the last match, obviously not the main event, because on a pro wrestling show, the last segment should be Wes Ikeda talking. Oops, did I just give away the booking sheet spoilers? Oh well. You know, for a guy who claims I don’t know shit about wrestling, it sure seems odd he’d put himself last, just standing around talking, rather than a – you know – wrestling match. But that’s besides the point. The real point is Kevin Nash is so old and useless that he...uh...is going to be working the final match of the night? Against two of the best workers the entire company has right now.
Miz, Miz, Miz. You know, not a lot of people will remember this, because it happened so long ago, but Miz is one of only 5 guys that have a win over old man Nash here in EBWF. For some reason, despite being so old, useless, and not a draw anymore, I seem to not lose very often. He pinned me, the finals of King of the Ring back in like 2008 or whenever. I had just lost my first EBWF match ever like a month earlier to some fucktard who was Champ at the time, who cares it was so long ago – and here comes this kid. He was on fire man. I mean damn, the guy just knew how to work the stick, in the ring he was a little green, but better than most. And had promise. A lot of promise. I thought for sure that guy was going to be World Champion in less than a year...
Well instead we waited around for like 4 years before he actually got a run, and uh, well it was less than stellar. Look I’m no one to judge about World Title reigns, my WCW runs were a fucking joke. Hell he probably held the EBWF belt longer than I did the WCW one, but it’s not where he could be. So I’m gonna do something I rarely do, Miz, I’m suppose to do the big bad guy thing and talk shit about you. But fuck that man. Truth is, you’re a bit short, you’re never gonna be the face of a company or anything, but I still like ya. I want you to do well.
Hell for that matter I want Teddy to do well. I have said this at least a thousand times in the last year; Ted Dibiase should be wreslting for the World title a couple of times a year. If this company has a snowball’s chance in hell at surviving against McMahon – and believe me, McMahon doesn’t like to be #2 at anything, he is going to strike back hard someday soon – if this company wants to stay ahead they need to start using the talent they have. Theodore Dibiase is a fucking stud. His ass has main event tattooed on it. If I was running this company, you’d see his face on every banner, billboard, and commercial I made. It’s been like what? 3 or 4 years, damn guys, don’t you think it’s time to give him another shot?
And thank god he had the good sense to fucking walk away from Paul E. If there was ever a promoter who lived by the motto of “get myself over, the rest of the roster can wait” it would be – well actually it would be Wes Ikeda, but RIGHT after him would be that fat ass Paul E.
So there it is. Miz, Teddy, you two are great guys. Genuinely, I like both of ya and think you have a hell of a future in this business. But right now, my nuts are in a vice. See despite everyone thinking I politic my way through the locker rooms, I’m doing my work with the board. A lot of them need someone to help them, cause their business folks, not wrestling folks. They need some help getting through this weird world of fake fighting. So that’s what I do, I consult. I don’t use that to try and score brownie points with whoever has the book this week – it seems to change on the daily. I don’t book myself in sweet spots, I just show up to work. And right now, it says Kevin Nash against Dibiase, and against Miz. That’s the shit part. But the idea that whoever wins this gets a shot at Cena? Well that’s starting to sound pretty too fucking sweet if you ask me.
So sorry gentlemen, it seems like both of you have to take the fall this time around, cause I damn sure got plans on the other side of this bout. And knowing my bestest friend in the whole wide world, he doesn’t really want to see Nash and Cena clash now that the gauntlet has been laid at my feet. So this might well be my last chance to get my street hardened hands on that rich bred fuck’s throat. And boys, believe me, all the respect in the world isn’t going to stop me from getting that chance.
With all my happy love,
Kevin Nash