Kaientai KNOWS BEST!

[D.J]

Here is my RP for my matches on Warfare! Best of luck to everyone! Feedback welcome :)

Perhaps it was desperation. Perhaps it was a girl who was in a must win situation to keep her career afloat, but Miss Layla El proved to the world that she would be more than just a comedy act going forward here in the EBWF. At Death Before Dishonor she defeated Daffney to become the new EBWF Sky High Champion. The victory could not have come at a better time, as she would now have a chance to become to #1 contender for the Women's Title, if she could outlast the rest of the Divas roster and become the Queen of the Ring for the 2nd straight year. It would be a lie if Layla said that she didn't have 'double champion' on her mind, but her first round match up was one that could NOT be taken lightly. Brooke Hogan debuted in the EBWF at that very same Pay Per View in which Layla earned gold once again, and she did so in impressive fashion, earning a victory over Brooke Tessmacher. As for Layla's crazy cohorts, they would be in action in the 'King' of the Ring tournament as well. Taka was paired with Colt Cabana, while Funaki would be in action this coming Monday against Jimmy Jacobs. Needless to say it was an important two weeks for the EBWF's wackiest team.

The scene opened up at a building that many EBWF onlookers thought we'd never see again. That same old broken down building that had been featured many a time several months ago, had gone by the wayside when Kaientai seemingly had disappeared from the EBWF. Now they were back, and so to was their 'hideout' the "EVIL HEADQUARTERS" We saw that broken down sign that had been vandalized and ruined, every which way but loose, somehow still standing, but to say the very least, it was hanging by a thread. Just then the sound of a dirt bike was heard in the background of the scene. A boy riding a bike sped into the main shoot and JUST BARELY missed knocking the sign completely down. It appeared as though the EVIL HEADQUARTERS sign would live to fight another day. The camera went inside the doors were Taka, Funaki, and Layla were found all with a glass of champagne in their hands. They all wore Kaientai T-Shirts and each one had their name on the back. Taka and Funaki wore dark blue fitted jeans, and Layla wore white shorts and had the EBWF Sky High Title over her shoulder. Taka raised his glass and his mouth began to move rapidly.

Taka: (voice over) I would like to make a toast, and not the cinnamon raisin or wheat kind, I'd like to make the kind of toast that occurs when something positive takes place. Except in this case it is only positive for us, and it is negative for everybody else.. because simply put our positive is everyone else's negative in every situation! A HA HA!

The camera had zoomed in to Taka, but then cut away to Layla and Funaki who were now seated in school desks and they were both taking notes. Layla and Funaki looked at each other, checking if the other had followed what Taka had just said. Finally, Funaki shrugged.

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED?

Taka pointed at him excitedly.

Taka: (voice over) Indeed, INDEED, Funaki! We are making a toast because our very own Layla became the NEW EBWF Sky High Champion at Death Before Dishonor. This is a positive thing, FOR US! However, it is negative for everybody else mainly of the female persuasion, because now we will have the Sky High Championship forever! We will be 'Sky High' in the sense that our group will be on top, not 'Sky High' like what people need to be to think Funaki's opponent on Monday is entertaining.

It cut back to Funaki and Layla, the desks were gone and they were standing again. The magic of TV. Funaki looked at Layla and nodded.

Funaki: (voice over) Boringgg!

Taka flashed a goofy smile. He still had his glass raised and now Layla and Funaki joined him.

Taka: (voice over) So let us hit our glasses together, to symbolize the fact that everybody agrees that this toast was necessary, and that we are all, and when I say all, I mean you and me Funaki.

Funaki nodded quickly. They clinked glasses

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Taka: (voice over) Proud of our girl Layla, for becoming a champion. I on the other hand, came up short in my quest to win the Intercontinental Championship for a second time. I don't blame myself though. Little did people know, that this was the SECOND time we will be celebrating Layla's victory. So I can't blame myself for the loss, instead I will

Taka continued to move his mouth as if he was still the one talking.

Taka: (Jamie Foxx voice) Blame it on the Al.. Al.. Al.. Al.. Al. Alcohol!

Funaki took a big swig of his champagne, and smiled after his gulp.

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Taka smiled. Layla drank her champagne and went off camera.

Taka: (voice over) This will be the last celebration tonight, and then we will be ALL business. Because on Monday Night not only is Funaki competing in the first round of the King of the Ring as I mentioned, but Layla, will be competing against HULK HOGAN in the Queen of the Ring.

Funaki whispered something into Taka's ear. Taka nodded as Funaki whispered, but he looked confused.

Taka: (voice over) It's not Hulk? It's a girl hogan? Is it Linda? They're divorced!? Where was I? It's Brooke Hogan? The pop star?

Funaki continued to whisper and Taka then started to laugh, the chuckles were heard significantly off cue.

Taka: (voice over) Right, right, not much of a star. That's a good point. She wrestles now? In public? Really? Uhh I mean is that so?

Funaki stopped whispering. He wasn't thrown by Taka's reluctance to reference Layla's boyfriend The Miz in any way. Layla walked back into the room.

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Taka looked intrigued.

Taka: (voice over) Wow, I just thought since Hogan was such an old fart that they were letting him compete with the ladies. It would have made even more sense since he's divorced. The guy hasn't touched a lady in years, give him a break, he's the Hulkster!

Layla and Funaki stared at Taka like they weren't sure where he was going with this. Taka sensed this and quickly snapped out of it.

Taka: (voice over) Not the point! Layla, as Funaki just told me, you will be facing BROOKE Hogan in the first round of Queen of the Ring.

Layla looked really confused. Her high pitched voice over inflected this.

Layla: (voice over) The pop star... or the wannabe pop star?

Funaki and Taka both cracked smiles as they had made the joke minutes before.

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla: (voice over) She wrestles now?

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla: (voice over) In public?!

Taka: (voice over) That's what I said! But to answer your question..

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Layla cracked a confident smile. She moved her hands and was very animated moving her mouth as if she was going on a rant.

Layla: (voice over) Ohh! I thought I was facing Hulk Hogan. I thought it was a weird match up, but I figured maybe since he's such an old fart they'd let him compete with the ladies. Or I also thought maybe since he and Linda are divorced maybe EBWF just wanted to give him some female interaction. I mean.. he is the Hulkster!

Taka nodded furiously.

Taka: (voice over) I know right! Let him grab a thigh or something! ANYTHING!

Layla and Funaki again blank stared Taka. Taka got serious.

Taka: (voice over) AGREE WITH ME, OR BE DESTROYED!

Funaki enthusiastically nodded.

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Taka: (voice over) Thank you.

Layla smiled. She patted Taka on the back, which seemed to calm him down.

Layla: (voice over) Now that I'm not facing Hulk Hogan, it's just shocking that I'd be facing another member of his family. I guess this is the only one that's available besides him. I mean his ex wife is out getting her freak on with a teenager, his son is out.. I don't know being a bad ass drag racing cars or hanging out with Rob Kardashian, the other Manning brother, or any other obscure sibling nobody cares about, so really that just leaves Brooke. Brookey, Brookey, Brookey. I guess being a Britney Spears wanna-be doesn't work out when you look like you should be playing in the WNBA. Guys don't want to buy the records and fantasize about girls that could post them up on the block. They want the point guard who can sing and dance.. not the center.. actually they don't want any girls basketball players.. that's just nasty.

Funaki shook his head in disgust.

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla: (voice over) So Brooke went to a career that makes more sense for her mammoth frame, she went to wrestling. I mean it's a natural transition to trying to sell yourself as being a 'sexy' musician. There's the same baby oil and everything! The unfortunate thing for her, is that though it takes next to nothing to sing horribly, be auto tuned and shake your ass like a skank, this business requires talent. Talent, that this bleached blonde oaf of a chick, just doesn't have. I might not be able to guard her in the post, but I can and DEFINITELY will wrestle circles around her in the ring. A HA HA!

Layla cocked her head back and pantomimed laughter. Taka and Funaki both had goofy smiles on their faces.

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Taka: (voice over) Seriously, and she was on reality TV! There's nothing lamer than someone trying to be a wrestler after being on reality TV.

Layla squinted her eyes and grinned knowingly. Funaki looked to see if Layla was going to get upset. When she didn't, he was excited.

Funaki: (voice over, enthusiastic) INDEED!

Taka: (voice over) Speaking of which, Funaki, you are facing a TV star too! You are going one on one with magician Criss Angel!

Funaki once again whispered something to Taka. Taka once again nodded, his mouth didn't move but nevertheless..

Taka: (voice over) It's not? David Blaine then? Oh come on.. there's no way he's not one of those two guys.. is he at least in a punk rock band? No? But he wears eyeliner? What the heck is a Jimmy Jacobs?

Funaki stopped whispering and shrugged, he didn't know the answer to that question. Layla stepped forward.

Layla: (voice over) Isn't it called a Jimmy Jacobs, when you are caught wearing makeup even when you are about to go to sleep. Like if you went over someone's house late night, and they were just watching a movie wearing eyeliner.. you'd say.. "look at this guy pulling a Jimmy Jacobs."

Taka looked at Funaki. Funaki again shrugged. He still didn't know who or what Jimmy Jacobs is/was. Taka ended the question.

Taka: (voice over) ENOUGH! If he's not a magician and he's not a punk rocker. He's just a midget skinny Adam Lambert, and there's nothing less intimidating than a midget skinny Adam Lambert. So FEAR NOT Funaki fore you will cruise to a victory in your 'King of the Ring' matchup. Proving that though he may be Lambert-esque, and though we are from Japan, we are so intimidating and daunting, that people will overlook that, and start calling YOU the true American Idol!

Funaki brimmed with pride.

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Layla: (voice over) But Taka I've heard him sing, and no offense Funaki but you kind of suck.

Funaki looked at Taka worried that this might be a problem.

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed.

Taka grinned.

Taka: (voice over) HA! Singing talent is totally irrelevant, I mean Brooke Hogan was on the radio and she can't sing well at all!

Funaki went to respond.. Layla beat him to it.

Layla: (voice over) Indeed.. she can't.. indeed.. she can't. She can't sing, and I know for a fact that she can't wrestle. Especially not with me. I'm the Sky High Champion for a reason. There's no way I'm going to lose to Broad Shoulder Barbie.

Taka sipped his champagne and put it down.

Taka: (voice over) I admire your confidence and you know how tough you are in that ring. You said you were going to dethrone Daffney last week and you did just that, so when it comes to how tough of an opponent you are, after Sunday.. Hogan really will know best.. HA HA HA! You see what I did there Funaki?

Funaki: (voice over) INDEED!

Layla: (voice over) Speaking of that show, I think I saw an episode on the other day.. for whatever reason it was a lot more entertaining then I remember. I even taped it.

Funaki: (voice over) Indeed?

Layla nodded slowly.

Layla: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla picked up a remote control and pointed at the camera, all of a sudden as if the screen was the TV. We cut to a big house in tropical weather. Hogan's voice from the show was heard.

Hulk Hogan sound clip: This is HOGAN KNOWS BEST!

The camera cut inside and Layla was sitting in the chair with a blonde wig chewing bubble gum and curling her hair. She was on her cell phone. The voice heard was still not Layla's but it was different than the one we were used to. The voice over was that of a ditsy blonde.

Layla Hogan: (voice over, on the phone) Oh my god! I would love to be in Anchorman Two! This is amazing! What's the part? Ugh Oak Tree # 2... again? I don't know, I don't think I have the range for that. I know I don't think I have the range for anything. I just think.. wait what was I saying? Well like my dad like was a like wrestler. I guess I could maybe like I don't like.. do that. I know, but I'm just tired of people saying I'm just Hulk Hogans daughter.. I'm so much more.. I'm a singer.. but I'm more than that.. I'm a musician. I'm an artist I have a vision.. what is that vision? I don't know.. like stuff.. you know?

Funaki came into the room wearing a blonde wig. He was driving a race car big wheel and he drove it right into the wall.

Layla Hogan: (voice over, on the phone) Yeah Nick just crashed again. Oh no.. it was just his big wheel. No I don't think he's been drinking. Nick have you been drinking?

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla Hogan: (voice over, on the phone) Oh yeah he has been drinking.

She turned to Funaki and blocked the receiver.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) What did you drink Nick? Like 3 wine coolers?

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla looked disappointed. She shook her head, and talked to Funaki like he was a three year old.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) You know better than that what did we say.. no more than one.. right?

Funaki put his head down ashamed.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla Hogan: ( voice over) That hurt didn't it, did we learn our lesson?

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Ok, good.

She took her hand away from the receiver.

Layla Hogan: (voice over, on the phone) Yeah he's ok, well he's not ok, but physically he's not harmed. So yeah I mean the music thing's really not working out for me, nor was Brooke knows best. I think that's why we went back to Hogan Knows Best, because I guess when you put all our brain power together it makes about one person, I still doubt that one person knows best about anything though, I mean it's very unlikely anyway.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over, agreeing) Indeed.

Layla Hogan: (voice over, on the phone) I know right, it still IS a cool name for the show. So yeah, I think I'm going to do the wrestling thing. How hard could it be? Ha ha that IS what she said.. you are SO bad. Ok well if I get put in a body cast by that Layla chick this weekend, you can totally have my new purse.. I bought it with my own money.. that was given to me by my father as an allowance for doing, well.. nothing. Ha ha OK.. you gotta go because talking to me is literally making you want to blow your head off? I'm rancid? Stop it you are SO funny. Ok Love ya bitch.

Layla looked at Funaki.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Maybe I should have some wine coolers too, I'm literally so bored.

A voice from off camera was heard.

Voice: I sensed that you were bored! I'm a MIND FREAK! I want to get inside you..

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Dad?

Voice: No.. you didn't let me finish I want to get inside your mind.. wait you thought that would be your dad? After I said.. eww..

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Like who is it!?

Voice: Behold!

A puff of smoke appeared. As if someone was going to appear. Instead we saw Taka walk into the room dressed in all black. He had eyeliner on, and he held a deck of cards.

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) It is I, Criss Angel AKA David Blaine AKA Jimmy Jacobs. I'm a professional Wreste-A-gician.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Wrestle-a-gician?

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) Yes! I'm a professional wrestler, but because I'm so creepy, weird, and wear all this makeup I'm required to know magic as well. It really cuts into my free time, but I don't have any friends any way, so it kind of works out. You over there at the scene of what appears to be a horrific big wheel accident.

Funaki was spaced out.

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) Hello? Can you hear me?

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) Would you like to see a magic trick?

Funaki shook his head no, but still his voice over was heard.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Funaki looked up and shook his head no again.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over, more excited) INDEED!

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) I thought you might. Pick a card any card. Memorize it, don't show it to me, and then put it back into the deck. You understand?

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed.

Funaki did as he was told, he picked a card memorized it, and put it back into the deck. Taka was grinning because he knew Funaki would have no choice but to say that Taka's card was correct. Taka pulled a card out of the deck.

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) Was this your card?

Funaki was very upset because he knew what was coming.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) No, no sir.. it was not.

Funaki looked up smiled and gave the thumbs up. Taka put his hands on his head and pulled on his hair. He moved his mouth but Chris Farley's voice over was heard. From the Chris Farley Show skit on old SNL.

Taka Jacobs: (Farley Voice Over) STUPID! STUPID! GOD I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) INDEED.

Layla continued to twirl her hair. She looked beyond lost.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) So wait.. like what was the trick? He like made us pay attention to him despite the fact that he's not interesting at all? That was a good one.. you are good.

Taka smiled.

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) Thank you, thank you. For my next trick, I will make a lie be heard out of thin air. Monday Night on Warfare I will defeat Funaki in the first round of the King of the Ring tournament, and Brooke you will be victorious against Layla.

Layla looked up as if something had appeared from nothing.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Whoa.. I totally just heard a lie.. out of like nowhere.

Funaki was impressed too.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over) Indeed!

Taka Jacobs: (voice over) My work here is done.. I'm amazing. Goodnight!

A puff of smoke was again seen instead of disappearing, once again when the smoke cleared Taka walked out of the room. Layla looked amazed.

Layla Hogan: (voice over) Whoa he like disappeared!

Funaki looked at Layla like she was an idiot.

Funaki Hogan: (voice over, in awe) INDEED!

Funaki looked up annoyed once again. The show cut back to the outside of the house.

Hulk Hogan Clip: This has been HOGAN KNOWS BEST!

The scene cut back to the Evil Headquarters.

Taka: (voice over) There really isn't much else to say about that Jacobs guy, he will be no match for you. He really is just a tool, man.. Taylor. Did you hear that Funaki.. I said Tool Man Taylor.. like Home Improvement.

Funaki cocked his head back and we heard a Tim Taylor grunt.

Layla: (voice over) He really is, that's a given.. but boy that chick Brooke is even dumber and more annoying than I thought. This is going to be an easier victory then I ever could have imagined. I would say that I was going to beat her so bad that she forgot how to spell her own name, but after watching that I'm not sure she even knows now.

Funaki shook his head as if to say she probably doesn't. Taka looked at him and grinned.

Layla: (voice over) I'm going to make it painfully obvious on Monday night that Brooke Hogan belongs nowhere near a camera, nowhere near a music studio, but most importantly nowhere even REMOTELY near a wrestling ring. She can play the whole "Aw shucks, I'm just so glad to be here, good girl routine." And maybe she's even sincere, but after Monday Night, she'll not only not want to be here anymore, but she'll realize that her whole "Good Girl Routine" will be absolutely NO MATCH for my routine.. that is 100 percent PURE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Layla did her classic face scrunch, as the patented word was heard. The camera cut to Funaki, who adjusted his collar as if he was about to start a speech. After a good while of mouth movement we finally heard.

Funaki: (voice over) INNNNNNNDEEEEEEEEEEED!

Taka poured 3 more glasses of champagne, and the scene faded to black, with Kaientai feeling pretty damn confident with themselves.