Bada Boom

[Kamden]

OOC: Decided to go to the dark side... And pick up a male character. Hopefully I can keep up with it, and that you all enjoy it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Excuse the seizure inducing color scheme. Good luck DJ!
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A very shaky cell phone video started streaming. At first it was pointed to the floor, at a pair of dirty white sneakers. They were treading on white tile, and made an occasional squeak and scuff as the man walking dragged his feet across the floor.

Yo man, hook me up with a nice CUT. I gotta look good for Monday, there's a nice group of ladies that's gonna be waiting for me backstage, you know. They wanna get a feel of what the hard life is, man.

The man sat down in a chair. It started spinning around along with the video. He stopped abruptly and captured the barber. He held a shaver in his left hand and scissors in the other.

Vinny: Snip snip man, snip snip.

No man, you can't say that to another man, that's what they say when they neuter dogs and stuff. I'll count to tree and then you's gonna spin me around, and you's gonna give me a fresh, new cut. Alright? Let's do this.

Vinny the barber spun the chair around. Finally, there was a glimpse at the man behind the camera. And man was the definite definition of this person. He had beefy biceps, and a defined hairy chest, barely contained in the camo wife beater he wore. He had a few tattoos, too. Luckily for the viewers, they couldn't see the crazy tiger stripe cargo shorts he was wearing. They were covered up by the black cape now draped around his neck to keep the hair off that would eventually be shaved off. His entire face had to be the most striking feature. He had piercing blue eyes that seemed to bulge out of his head a little, a chiseled jawline and a chin with a goatee tied at the end, a beard that may as well have been tire treads, because lined sections were completely shaved out, and then the hair on top of his head... At the moment, it was an interesting side swept mullet. Half of his head was draped in long brown hair while the other was completely shaven.

HOW YOU DOIN'!?

He yelled at the mirror with a cheesy yet somewhat charming smile.

Vinny: Enzo man, you done with the jokes?

Enzo Amore: Vinny, do I look like I joke? Who do you think I am? I'll tell you, Bada-boom, REALEST GUY IN THE ROOM. Ahhhh.

Enzo flexed his muscles in the chair and exhaled forcefully. Vinny the barber shook his head and started his work. The buzzer clicked on and the video went to black for a few minutes.
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An hour later the camera clicked back on to a screen full of static before coming to focus.

Enzo Amore: Is this damn thing on? Man I gotta get somebody to do this for me.

The camera started fumbling around and spinning in crazy directions, before it came to a stop along with the man operating it.

Enzo Amore: Hey Vinny. VINNY! Yeah you, get your little chicken legs over here bro, I got a favor.

Vinny the barber's voice wasn't audible.

...

Enzo Amore: No I ain't gonna beat you up.

...

Enzo Amore: Naw. Cmon already man I ain't got that much time! Yeah that's right, thank you. Now look, all yous gotta do is point the camera at me, I'll do the rest alright? Good.

He coughed and grumbled and snorted up any mucus he thought he had in his nose, and introduced himself.

Enzo Amore: This here is Enzo Amore. Bada-boom, Realest guy in the room. New and improved, Bay-bee. I'm cut and got a fresh cut.

He brought his hands to the sides of his head and made a swooshing motion. He no longer had the interesting side mullet. He now had a Mohawk. The rest of his head was buzz cut, except for the pin straight, gelled up hair leftover. And where his hair was short? Leopard spots... He had this stern look and jawline that were a threat to anyone who even looked at him funny. Including Vinny the barber/cameraman. The brutish Enzo made a break for him.

Enzo Amore: Why you lookin’ at me funny?! You got a problem, huh? HOW YOU DOIN’!

He kept repeating his catchphrase as the camera shook for several seconds, and then everything was still again.

Enzo Amore: Bet you doin’ fine now. Anyways, back to the real deal. I am Enzo Amore. How you doin’?

He started pacing back and forth and making motions with his hands before he stopped really close to the camcorder and put his face into the lens, breathing on it. Then he took a few steps back and probably for once in his life stood still.

Enzo Amore: Look, so many of these dudes here in the E-B-W-F are S-A-W-F-T… SaaaAAAAWFT. A dude like me? I’m hard. I’m ripped. I’m CUT. Ahhhhh.

He pointed to his guns and flexed them, struck a pose like a god, and pointed to his hair too. The cut he was actually referring to.

Enzo Amore: I got style too. Got these kicks that know how to step it. Step your BOYISH FACES OFF YA BUNCH OF SISSY BOYS. None of yous know a thing or two about the streets and how to kick it Hard. Be ready, cuz I’m about to kick it with you home-weenies in E-B-W-F reaaaal soon. I am Enzo Amore, and ain’t nothin’ SAWFT about that…

He walked out of camera shot, then came back and picked it up.

Enzo Amore: HOW YOU DOIN’!

Then the screen went to static and the video ended.

------------------------------------------

Enzo Amore was about to have his first official interview and match in the EBWF. And he was pumped. Maybe illegally. But it was probably the unreal amount of energy he always had manifested within himself. He was partially, or more like purposefully, limping through the catering area, giving an upward nod to people that passed by. One crew member didn't acknowledge him and Enzo stopped him right there.

Enzo Amore: C’mon man, how can you not ask me how I'm doin'? I just did the nod.

He did it again. The “nod”. But the guy just patted him on the shoulder, and Enzo didn't like that. He grabbed a handful of shrimp off the catering table and threw it at the crew member as he walked off. He was shocked and ran away.

Enzo Amore: You need some protein cuz yous don't know how to greet another gentleman. That's SAWFT!! and SAWFT is a sin!! Stay out of my face, man.

He grabbed a napkin and wiped his hands clean before taking it and shoving it in another person's front shirt pocket. A little farther down, he ran into a group of ladies he was definitely digging. He exaggerated his limp as he got closer.

Enzo Amore: Ladies, HOW YOU DOIN'?!

Two of the three girls gave him mean mugs, but one of them seemed flattered.

Sasha Banks: Um, why are you walking like that? It's like you're injured. All that gimping can't be good for you.

Eva Marie: Forget about that limp, what about that hair? It's just... No. It doesn't work. Leopard spots clash with tiger stripes.

Eva pointed to his head, then down to his baggy tiger stripe pants he planned to wear to the ring. Summer couldn’t help but stare at Enzo’s body. Enzo Looked at them dumbfounded, and shook his head.

Enzo Amore: What, you don’t like this? My cat walk? My smooth groove? This brand spankin’ new hair do? It's called walkin' wit a dip. There's a whole song about it, man. Don't worry, tonight I'll show you ladies what life I'm all about. You go hard, and I do too. Just wait and see.

He continued his eccentric “walk with a dip”, Summer Rae staring after him dreamily and Eva and Sasha going back to their conversation. Enzo was finally approached by Michael Cole.

Michael Cole: Hello, Enzo. I'm Michael Cole. Welcome to the EBWF. Tonight you've got a huge opportunity to establish yourself in this company. Your debut match will be against a newly aligned Miz.

Enzo rested an arm on Cole's shoulder and nodded his head as he listened, and even started stroking his goatee.

Enzo Amore: Thank you Cole, thank you. Yeah, so I face the Miz tonight. He really has done a lot here. The boy's good. The boy knows what he's doin'. I gotta watch my step around him. Sneaky little subway rat is what Miz is. He ain't loyal, and that ain't right. See, when you gotta go switchin' around on people like he did the other week, that's SAWFT. But enough about that. Let's talk about why I'm really gonna beat his mug tonight.

He stood silently for a second, rubbing at his jaw. He crossed his arms and snorted obnoxiously.

Enzo Amore: You smell that Cole?

Michael Cole: It smells like shrimp.

Enzo Amore: No man, not that. Beyond that.

Cole shook his head.

Enzo Amore: Smells like sissy. Because Miz is in the building. Miz ain't no man. He's a sissy boy. Just look at’em, man. Miz doesn't have a single hair anywhere else on his body besides his head. Not even his chin. Looks like an overgrown baby. That ain’t cool. He’s the closest thing to a real life Lillian DeVille from the Rugrats.

Michael Cole: Did you just call a former world champion a female Rugrat?

Enzo Amore: Damn straight you Pepe LePu wannabe. HOW YOU DOIN’!?

He stepped off camera and came back in agressively, bumping his chest up against Cole. He obviously had no idea what was happening to him, so he stood there awkwardly with his microphone until Enzo backed up off of him.

Enzo Amore: Sorry about that, man. I just get a little too pumped sometimes. Gotta count to tree and I’ll be good. Cool as a cucumber.

Michael Cole: It’s ok Enzo. We now know what you think is different between yourself and The Miz, but what similarities do you see between the two of you?

Enzo looked a little surprised at the question. He stopped to think for a minute, and even looked off to the side. Apparently that helped him.

Enzo Amore: Man, the Miz. He's held a lot of gold. He's decorated. But look, decorating is for girls. Sounds like something my mom's would do when she bakes a cake. But the Miz is one of my idols, man. He was on reality TV, and that was one of my dreams man. Jersey Shore. That's where I wanted to be. But I had bigger dreams. Someone from the hard life like me needs to go out and show everyone that I ain't no joke, no matter what Vinny the Barber says. So I want you to hold your rat tail Cole, because you’s gonna need something to hang onto after I blow your mind away. Prepare for a little smooth ‘splainin by yours truly. This ain't gonna be simple like I Love Lucy though, man. See, Miz and I are both organic. That's just part of being human. But here's where we're different man, I'm like a diamond, rough and cut. Miz? He's like charcoal. I'm gonna pound him into dust like the SAWFT little carbon-based sissy boy he is. I know a thing or two about a thing or two. It's called science. BOOM! And you know what else is about to be scientifically proven tonight, Michael Cole? That Miz don’t know nothin’ about awesome, cuz what’s gonna be really awesome is when I knock sawft boy flat out. He’s gonna have to do so many curls to get back into shape, and get cut like me man. His new friend Edge is gonna have to scrape him off the floor like gum off the bottom of my sneakers. Maybe he can cut some of that long girly hair and tape it to Miz's chest. Make him a man again after I break him in half. Or like the little man baby he is, I'll just put him down for a little nap, tuck him in and give him his binky, and when he wakes up from that deep sleep I'ma put him in, I’ma be there to ask him one thing:

He turned to face the camera and walked right into it.

Enzo Amore: HOW YOU DOIN'!

His eyes bugged out of his head slightly and some saliva flew out of his mouth, but he wiped it off with a gloved hand. He bumped his chest hard, then Michael Cole’s. A red welt was left on the spot he hit himself, but it didn’t seem to bother him. Cole stumbled backwards an caught himself against the wall. After that, Enzo left the scene.

[Jack]

Enzo. Yes. Thank you God.