When I Win

[Kamden]

OOC: Iggy vine for context at the end-- Good luck Ben and Nick! This is really poopy since I didn't have time to finish, sorry!!
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For several weeks now, the Mean Girls were on top of the world. The Bae life was the ultimate life. Sasha was a BOSS and unstoppable as usual, and Summer Rae and Eva Marie had yet to come across another team as dangerous (or pretty) as them. In 5 days, the company’s latest pay-per-view, Death Before Dishonor, would once again pit Sasha Banks against not one, but two opponents in a triple threat match for the women’s championship. Aside from her Wrestlemania defense, this would make for one of her most challenging contests. To make things worse, the ring would be surrounded by the rest of the divas locker room-- lumberjills-- except for her baes. They were banned from ringside. She’d have to deal with Mighty Molly and Torrie Wilson all on her own.

Presently, The Mean Girls were in the fitness center of their hotel, prepping for their hot HIIT workout. Their prep consisted of watching a video on the HBIC’s iPhone. Summer and Eva were on either side of the BOSS and watched as she became increasingly upset. It was a recap of Warfare, post Torrie Wilson vs Paige. They were at the part where Mighty Molly came out and had dropkicked Sasha.

Summer Rae: Aww that’s so nice, even her stomach waved at you before she did that to you!

This angered Sasha, obviously seen as she threw her phone across the room. Summer and Eva jumped slightly at the outburst. Sasha promptly went to pick up her phone and dusted it off to check for cracks and scratches. No was damage done. BOSS.

Sasha Banks: That heffer keeps ruining things for me! Every time I’m tryna put in work she’s just there. Like a shadow.

Eva Marie: A really slow shadow then.

Summer Rae: Yeah, it took her like 10 minutes to even run down to the ring and then get up to dropkick you.

Sasha Banks: That’s not the point. You don’t understand Summer. And so I’m pretty sure Eva doesn’t either. On Sunday I can’t have my bae’s with me. You’re banded from ringside! And only cuz Mighty Molly told on me. Well ya know what? Stitches get snitches.

Summer Rae: Umm, don’t you mean snitches get stitches?

Sasha Banks: Umm, yeah Summer, that’s what I just said. Tuh. I hope pay attention during your match on Sunday. ‘Cuz you clearly ain’t payin’ attention now.

Eva Marie: Yeah. Paige is so crazy these days. You never know.

All three divas looked at each other and burst into laughter. Summer even cackled and Sasha snorted. Eva of course remained flawless with her laughter.

Summer Rae: AS IF!

Sasha pretended to wipe away a tear and in a few seconds all three were back to business.

Sasha Banks: Tuh. I thought all I had to worry about was Torrie. She’s like a bag of bones. All I’d have to do is shake her and she’s broken. But noooo, I have Mighty Molly too…

Sasha pouted.

Sasha Banks: Idk what I’m gonna do! HELP ME!

At some point Eva had wandered off and started checking herself out in a mirror, to which Summer promptly grabbed her and guided her back to the group.

Summer Rae: Alright bae’s. Eva, you just gave me an idea. I know how we can help you out, Sash! It’s gonna be ok.

Sasha clapped her hands together excitedly and Eva’s face lit up as the trio turned in to face each other in a huddle. Seconds passed as they busily chatted, until Summer popped up from the huddle, glaring at the camera man.

Summer Rae: Scram!

Sasha Banks: Yeah, BYEEEEE. Private sesh over here. Tuh.

The camera clicked off.

**********

The camera clicked back on again, but this time it was a lot more shaky and less of the scene was in view.

“Hiyeeeeeeeee.”

Sasha’s voice was heard as the camera circled around to reveal the face of the women’s champion, of course decked out in her high fashion ring gear. Shutter shades, #Legit BOSS t-shirt, and leather jacket it. Her Beats were worn around her neck for the time being.

Sasha Banks: Hello my haters, I’ve gots the selfie stick so you know I stays on FLEEK. Which is something my opponents tonight have never experienced. Of course they haven’t, cuz they’re LOOO--

The HBIC was heading to her private locker room but stopped dead in her tracks. She was frozen in fear with a look of shock on her face, and a hand clutched to her chest. She shifted her phone to allow the video to capture a tall, stately man… On a flip phone. Not cute.

Sasha Banks: EXCUSE YOU! WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR HAND?!

Lance Storm looked down at Sasha when she walked up to him, her camera practically in his face. He held up his flip phone and went to hold it out closer to her, but she backed away, groaning.

Lance Storm: You want to call somebody? This machine does phone calls! Look at the size of it!

He flipped it open and closed a few times. Sasha had to push her shades to the top of her head to actually see if the phone was real. Lance ceased playing with his phone and looked at her, puzzled.

Lance Storm: Where are the lenses in your glasses? Can you not see this is a mobile telephone?

Sasha Banks: I can see that it’s UGLY! Lemme see it.

She held out her hand, and Lance gave it to her reluctantly, and rightfully so. The video shuffled around a bit as a snap was heard, and once it was held steady again we could see two pieces fly across the room. The footage captured Lance’s face as his whole world came crashing down. He looked into his hands, where his precious phone once laid, and then to Sasha - his face turned to horror.

Lance Storm: You animal.

Sasha Banks: Umm, I just did you a favor! I obliviously can’t give you a make over ‘cuz your hair cut is too scary for me to even get close to. I’m buying you a new phone. Like this one, the iPhone 6 plus.

Lance still looked horrified, but also puzzled once again.

Lance Storm: An eyephone? Is that how you see things? Explains the glasses.

Sasha Banks: Umm yeah sure whatever. You can even get a custom case on it with whatever pics you want. Even a selfie! But… Nevermind, you shouldn’t get a selfie of you on your phone. Not cute.

Lance Storm: I don’t know what language you’re speaking strange woman, but your tone suggests you’re being very backhanded in kindness. Like Severus Snape.

Sasha Banks: So you like Harry Popper? You can get that as your phone case then.

Lance looked a little concerned about Sasha.

Lance Storm: Okay, I understand you’re a little confused and I forgive you for breaking my phone. Now let’s find someone who can understand what you’re saying…

Sasha could be heard smacking her lips and rolled her eyes. You couldn’t see her face but could picture it perfectly.

Sasha Banks: Lookit, I just said I was gonna buy your boxhead self an iPhone 6 PLUS! Not the iPhone 6, not the Samsung 6, the iPhone 6 PLUS BOO BOO. Are you dumb?! Like, I don’t get what YOU ain’t gettin’. This is me helpin’ out the elderly. It should be community service.

Lance shot her a look of shock.

Lance Storm: Are you saying… I’m not up to date with what’s cool?

Sasha Banks: NO YOU ARE NOT CHANCE STORM! Tuh. How could you ever call me ratchet when you have a flip phone. I mean… Had a flip phone!

Lance grabbed her by either shoulder, knocking the camera out of the way. His voice could still be heard.

Lance Storm: Help me be hip.

Sasha spoke up.

Sasha Banks: Ew, don’t touch me! I’ll buy the iPhone 6 Plus for you and get the hairy case. Just don’t touch me again.

Lance Storm: You keep saying iPhone 6 Plus. IPHONE 6 PLUS. PLEASE.

Sasha’s own iPhone 6 plus was picked up from the ground and we could see her feet walking away. Lance’s voice trailed off as she walked away hurriedly in the direction of her private locker room. Once inside more shuffling was heard as she took a metal folded chair and placed it against a wall; all this after placing her iPhone with selfie stick on a tripod she purchased. She took a seat and posed for the camera, adjusting her hair and body before continuing. When she was done she sat normally.

Sasha Banks: See, there are people like Vince Storms that can be helped. You don’t even have to be an egg-pert. But there’s other people like my opponents that I mentioned earlier, before that misfortunate phone biz, that will never be able to get what they wanna get. Even with professional help. Like, Mighty Molly and Torrie thinks they are gonna get help from those lumber fills jus ‘cuz my boo’s Summer and Eva won’t be there. Um, WRONG.

Sasha Banks: But back to the biz, part of being a BOSS is being original, strong, and smart.

After the abrupt change in subject, Sasha paused and seemed to smile at herself, and put a hand up.

Sasha Banks: Yesss I know, you all think I’m not that smart. Just ‘cuz I mix a few words up doesn’t mean I ain’t smart. I’m street smart. Unlike Mighty Duck and Old Lady Wilson. When you go into a match or anything you have to win, you have to have a plan. Duh. It’s like, common since. How can you do anything without figuring out what you wanna do first? I got a plan for tonight. Top secrents. So I can’t share it with you now, but you’ll see. Just wait! I would bet money that Mighty Molly doesn’t have a plan yet for this match. Like, they was all spoiled when Torrie slapped her silly on Warfare last Monday! Now it’s basilically every chick for herself. That’s just one part of being smart, boo boos. Not only does you have to have a plan for yourself, you have to have a plan for your opponents as well. Like, for Molly Molly, I already know I’m way more fragile than her. She’s so slow ‘cuz her hair is too big and that lame cape slows her down. And she probably has to take like 50 breaks just walkin’ down the ramp to the ring anyway, so as long as I move fast like a ninja, I don’t have to worry about her. Even Torrie can be slow since she’s ageing. But like, sea-mile old folks can be a little cray, so I don’t wanna be off my guards with her. Plus she’s hella angry at Molly, and like, a lady with a revengance is a lady you don’t wanna mess with.

Banks shrugged and folded one leg over the other, gesturing with her hands as she spoke. It was almost like she was recording a presentation or instructional video. But a BOSS one of course.

Sasha Banks: So the B.O. in BOSS is for being original, like I already told you. And who is more original in this match than me? Like, Molly is tryna be a super hero. They have MILLIONS of those little comet books out there about super heros. Thousands even. So no boo boo, you’s not anything new. There was even that guy with the green hair, The Hurry-cane man or whatever his name was, and that other guy Roses who was super heroes before you! The only people here that needs savin’ is you, ‘cuz you obliviously don’t know what you’s doin’ with yourself. If I EVER did my hair in those curls the way you did I’d die. Like the pay per view says. Dead before dishonor. Tuh. There really should be a statue of limitations on how many fashion disasters can walk into this place. Then you have Torrie Wilson. Like, her name doesn’t even sound original. I bet money there’s a thousand Torrie Wilson’s on this plant-et just like there is comet books! Plus she’s blonde and really skinny, so she kinda looks like a Barbie. Except she can be mean and sometimes she don’t smile. I think I know why though. She’s so skinny one day she’s prolly gonna fall through her ass and hang herself. DEAD. Like the pay-per-view. Right? Right.

The HBIC nodded her head for once in her life had a thoughtful look on her face.

Sasha Banks: Your boo has had some really cray matches these last few weeks. But let’s be real, none of them is gonna be as as cray as what goes on tonight. Jus ‘cuz there’s gonna be a bunch of pretend sharks around the ring that wanna bite my head off doesn’t mean I’m scared. Like, all I know is that they’re my haters. And haters are just jealous fans. Even Molly and Torrie have been hatin’ on me. So that means I must be doin’ somethin’ right. Especially if I am still a CHAMP. Which I will be tomorrow too. It’ll be nothin’ new for you people since all you wanna do is wish for a new women’s champion, but you can bet that each time I return my title, I am changing so much about the wrestling world! Like Iggy said. “Win I win when I when I win.” Best bring your A-game’s tonight boo boo’s, ‘cuz even then that ain’t gonna be enough to stop me.
As I always say… You can bank. On. That. Byeeeeeeee!

With a flick of the wrist Sasha’s shutter shades went back over her eyes and she stood up, walking over to her iPhone, and tapped on its screen to shut off the video.