Mayonnaise...

[Juan Ramirez]

... And newfound aggression.

The scene opened up at a local Walmart in Birmingham, Alabama. Through the minuscule aisles, the skinheaded behemoth they call Ryback was hunched over awkwardly, trying to push a cart which was much smaller than him. Standing besides him was his friend and tag team partner, Wade Barrett. Ryback stopped at the sight of an industrial sized container of mayonnaise. He turned to Wade.

Ryback: Hey, who are we facing at Warfare again?

Wade Barrett: Do you ever check your schedule, Ryback? I’m your partner, not your secretary.

Ryback: Sorry Queen Victoria! I just can’t remember my lifting schedule and which doodle of a wrestler I’ll be stepping on each week! HA! HA! HA! It’s just that this big jar of Mayo is giving me a hint of who are we facing...

Ryback stared long and deep at the jar of white sauce, as if hoping it’d come to life and tell him what he wanted to hear.

Wade Barrett: Oh, is that why you’re staring at it? I thought you were wondering whether it would last you one week or two.

Ryback: Yeah! But I can’t wrap my fingers around it… Hey! You’re not my assistant, but you gotta know I don’t eat these things during weekdays! Mayo is not neet...Nutri...Notor… Mayo is full of crap! Maybe that’s why it reminded me of… Wait, are we facing The Road Warriors? Or their cheap knock offs?

Barrett looked impressed.

Wade Barrett: Their cheap knock-offs, Konnor and Viktor. They wish they were as successful as the Road Warriors, but they’re not even close. I didn’t even realise they were still in EBWF until I found out we were facing them… I don’t think they’ve been used since King of the Ring. Still, we’ve hardly been setting the world alight recently, so if you want us to be Tag Champions again, we need to make a statement on Warfare.

As Barrett was halfway through his statement, he could notice Ryback pulling a small blowtorch from the cart he was pulling… The blue flame scorched audibly from the tip of the torch as he approached it to a pyramid of toilet paper that was exhibited fairly close by.

Ryback: What were you saying about setting stuff on fire?

Barrett’s eyes widened, and a look of panic appeared on his face.

Wade Barrett: I meant we need to prove ourselves on Warfare - I don’t want to set anything on fire! Damn it, Ryback, why do you have to take everything so literally?

Ryback put the torch out and put it back inside the cart.

Ryback: I don’t even know what you’re talking about… Let’s focus on… Ass Tension was their name? Now, they are big, they are always yelling, screaming, seeming moody and eating food low on fiber… What if they have hammer, homer, hemorr haemo… ARGH! Ass cramps? That would explain the mood, the yelling… Don’t you think?

Wade Barrett: I guess it would… or maybe they just want their voices to be heard. But - as much as I love to talk - I’d rather make my voice heard in the ring, if you know what I mean.

Ryback: I don’t get it, all that yelling and screaming, Preparation H is sold at nearly every drugstore… The stuff even looks like Mayo so...

Ryback shrugged. He reached out with both hands and grabbed a hold of a couple of jars of Mayo, putting them into the cart, he proceeded to put a third jar of Mayo inside the cart.

Ryback: So, of course we’re beating the crap out of Konnor and Whatshisface, I am tenderizing them, just like I tenderize beef before a Barbecue! Maybe this Mayonnaise will come in handy? I don’t know, you’re the smart one after all…

Wade Barrett: I may be smart, but I fail to understand how three industrial sized jars of mayonnaise will help us beat The Ascension… can’t we just do what we do best? Show up to Warfare, run our mouths about how tough we are, then go to the ring and beat the crap out of our opponents? I feel like that would benefit us more than hanging around Walmart… why are we even here, anyway?

Ryback: I was hungry, sorry. If we are running our mouths, I might need a dictionary so I don’t repeat myself over and over again. Where do you think they keep them?

He walked around dragging the cart full of Mayo, his head turning both ways to see where he could find any dictionaries. He finally spotted them resting atop a really tall shelf. In order to grab the dictionary, Ryback had to stand on top of the market cart to gain height. Who stacks shit up so high anyway? Ryback’s foot was resting on the cart when he lost balance, the car fell sideways and the shattering sound of three industrial sized jars of Mayonnaise filled the halls of Walmart. Covered in a white puddle of goop, the Big Guy held an Oxford Dictionary in his right hand.

Ryback: I made it!

Ryback’s moment of celebration was short-lived, as a member of Walmart staff noticed the spillage. The employee, whose badge identified him as “David”, looked furious. He stormed over, ready to berate Ryback, but as David reached the Big Guy and realised how much bigger Ryback was, he thought better of it. Sighing, he walked over to a nearby tannoy.

David the Walmart Employee: Cleanup on Aisle 7… major spillage!

David then walked back towards Barrett and Ryback. Still covered in white oily sauce, Ryback’s fingers flipped through the pages of his recently acquired book.

David the Walmart Employee: Please leave, right now… before I call security!

Ryback: How do you spell spillage?

Concerned by how their reputations might be affected if anyone caught wind of their Walmart misdemeanour, Barrett was determined to get Ryback out of there as soon as possible. Wade was lucky he didn’t say “misdemeanour” out loud.

Wade Barrett: We can figure that out back at the arena, Ryback. Come on, let’s get out of here.

Barrett turned to David, looking apologetic, and pulled out his wallet. He handed over $30.

Wade Barrett: Here, that should cover the cost of the mayo and the dictionary. I truly am sorry. I wish I could say this is the first time something like this had happened, but…

Barrett looked at Ryback, looked back at David and shrugged, signalling that when Ryback was around, all manners of disaster were possible. Barrett walked towards the exit and Ryback followed, still trying to find spillage in his mayo-soaked dictionary.

_______

The EBWF.net logo faded from black to show the hottest tag team from six months ago standing in what looked like a locker room. Clad in their ring clothes both Ryback and Barrett stood side by side, piercing a hole through the camera lens. A familiar looking book rested pressed between Ryback’s fingers.

Wade Barrett: Cast your minds back to April - WrestleMania XIV. Ryback and I were the new EBWF Tag Team Champions, and we planned to dominate the tag division. Fast forward five months, and here we are… competing against arguably the least relevant team in EBWF, the Ascension. Konnor and Viktor are angry, because they haven’t appeared on Warfare since King of the Ring. But really, has anyone missed them? Ryback and me, on the other hand… our absence has been felt. The peculiar combination of Stardust and Luke Harper have been toppled by Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins, but the tag division has lacked competition. It needs a tag team that can spark things into life… it needs Wade Barrett and Ryback. It doesn’t need a couple of no-hopers like The Ascension.

Ryback flipped through pages of his dictionary, going back and forth, and then back again, as if trying to find the page where his lines were scribbled. Growing frustrated he ripped the dictionary into pieces and laughed out loud.

Ryback: HA! I guess I’ll just wing it! Konnor and Viktor! Your time is up! That’s what I would say if your time ever arrived! You’re angry, you’re obnoxious, you are borderline infringing copyright… Once we are done with you, you’ll be angrier, more obnoxious and… Still infringing copyright, because Waddle dee and myself right here we got a plan! We’re going to load up on protein waffles, then we’re gonna pump some mean iron until the time to face you too clowns arrives! Then you’re going to see the meanest meathooks from this side and that side of the pond tearing you apart, limb by limb, and blood and guts and basically all your insides will trickle on the mat and on our boots and… Sorry, I was listening Paige a while ago and… Whatever! Ryback’s school of beatdowns is in session and on today’s lesson you two learn your place IN THE FOOD CHAIN!

Ryback’s voice tone heightened as he spat out words, ending up with a feral growl as he stared into the camera, panting. Barrett looked pleased to see his partner’s aggression, and as he spoke, there was the sound of confidence and determination in the British brawler’s voice.

Wade Barrett: Konnor, Viktor, mark my words. We won’t be making a trip to the Wasteland… but you’ll be taking a journey to a world of pain, courtesy of a Meat Hook and a Bull Hammer. It’s time the EBWF remembered just how dangerous Ryback and I can be.

Ryback: Hey, isn’t Wasteland what you do from time to time? YOU BETTER GET YOUR PAINTED ASSES A DAMN LAWYER AND I’LL SHELLSHOCK HIM AS WELL! FEED. ME. MORE.

Ryback headbutted the camera, causing it to crack as the scene ended abruptly.

[Barbie Blank]

Haha great RP. Legit LOL'd a few times. Like when Ryback tries to pronounce words. ASS CRAMPS! Great stuff.