Warfare eh!

[Benjamin]

The scene opened with Rene Young standing outside the locker room of House Syxx. She stood there with a certain trepidation, taking a deep breath and gently brushing her hair with her left hand while holding a microphone in her right. She shot a glance over to the camera crew behind her to make sure they were recording before knocking on the door. She knocked and then much to her relief it was Syxx, not someone else, who answered the door.

Syxx: Well I’m happy to see you too.

Renee Young: You never answer your own door.

Syxx: A lord of my distinction need not soil myself with such affairs.

Renee Young: So where is she?

Syxx: Hell if I know. I told her The Maestro was coming back to abduct her and she took off.

Renee Young: The Maestro?

Syxx: Before your time?

Renee Young: No I get it. It has just been so long.

Syxx: I heard he calls himself “The Stro” now. More like the stroker.

Renee tried very hard not to laugh, but alas, she couldn’t help herself.

Syxx: He’s a joker, he’s a smoker, he’s a midnight stroker.

Renee Young: Onto a matter of this decade, do you have any thoughts on your match with Kevin Owens later tonight?

Syxx: No.

Renee Young: No?

Syxx: Did I stutter?

Renee Young: Certain you have something to say.

Syxx: Why should I? Kevin Owens doesn’t matter.

Renee Young: Certainly any wrestler who has what it takes to compete in the EBWF matters.

Syxx: He doesn’t.

Renee Young: Why not?

Syxx: He’s Canadian.

Renee looked taken aback and she paused for a couple seconds before deciding to remain professional.

Renee Young: Lots of great wrestlers are from Canada. Lots of great people are Canadian.

Syxx: Since when? It’s not even a real country anyway.

Renee Young: Well I wouldn’t…

Syxx (interrupting): How aboot dat der Kevin Owens eh budday! I’m Can-eh-dian! I like hock-eh, drink maple syrup, and worship Wayne Gretzk-eh!

Renee Young: Canadians don’t sound like that…

Syxx (still talking in a Canadian accent): You know der up in da nort woods we got dem beavers eh. Dem ice skating beavers who play hock-eh with da moose don’tchaknow!

Renee Young: Syxx I don’t think this is…

Syxx (interrupting again): I don’t really like Donald Trump, but if he becomes president after he gets done deporting all the Mexicans for TAKIN’ UR JERB he should deport all the Canadians like Kevin Owens before they drink all of our maple syrup! That maple syrup is for hard working Americans like me and you Renee!

Renee Young: That’s not really…

Syxx (still interrupting): And what the hell is up with that stupid metric system!? You know who else uses the metric system? Probably ISIS. I don’t know what I’m basing this on but the way I see it you’re either an AMURICAN or you’re a dirty rotten terrorist! Did you know that Kevin Owens couldn’t even speak English until he was 16 years old? He’s a French Canadian. That’s the worst kind! You know what the French are? They are pussies! That’s why after 9/11 we took their french fries and renamed them freedom fries because they taste like AMERICA and FREEDOM! Don’t they have any wrestling in Canada? The way I see it all these Canadians like Kevin Owens can stay right where they belong and stop breathing American air! You know what else pisses me off about Canadians…

Renee finally interrupts Syxx.

Renee Young: Syxx, I’m Canadian!

Syxx: Awww Renee, don’t be so hard on yourself!

Renee Young: No really, I was born in Toronto.

Syxx’s mouth hung open, he couldn’t speak for a good five seconds.

Syxx: You know what I have always said? We need to get over all these labels and accept each other as fellow members of the human race. Canada is a part of North America anyway, so we’re practically the same. Did I mention how beautiful Canadian women are?

Renee forced a half smile before re-donning her professional face.

Renee Young: So back to the match, are you sure you don’t have any thoughts to share?

Syxx: Has he lost any weight since WrestleMania?

Renee Young: I don’t see how that is relevant to your match.

Syxx: It is too relevant! I tried to scoop slam him back then and it was like trying to lift a maples-scented hippopotamus! I think that guy needs to switch to sugar free syrup. Maybe he should try DDP Yoga. Scott Hall tells me that stuff works like a charm.

Renee Young: Alright Syxx, anything else you need to get off of your chest?

Syxx: Did you hear Carlito called me a homeless porn star? I’m not homeless, I have two homes. I have my house in Minnesota and my beautiful beach house in Florida. I have enough money to buy Puerto Rico, but that would be a shit investment because that smelly little island is going to be under sea level soon anyway. I wouldn’t mention the whole porn thing on air, some very powerful people...err...person may not like it. Plus I gave us porn...unless you want to learn a few tricks from an industry professional Renee.

Renee Young: I think we’re done here.

Syxx: Wait, aren’t you going to ask me my thoughts on my match tonight?

Renee looked flabbergasted, but she decided to pick her battles and let him speak.

Syxx: You see I have something really important to say about my match with Kevin Owens, and that is…

Syxx stopped talking when he saw Symphony approach from behind Renee. She looked highly annoyed.

Symphony: You lied to me! The Maestro was not coming to abduct me!

Syxx: I would never engage in such treachery! Accusing your lord of such could be considered treason!

Symphony: Oh shit we’re doing that still? I mean, *Symphony clears her throat* apologies my lord. A raven brought me a scroll of misinformation, my former liege lord has not returned from exile as our master of whispers had so reported.

Syxx: Dafuq did you just say!?

Symphony: Damn you! Which way are we doing this now?

Renee decided she had enough of this craziness and turned her attention to the camera man.

Renee Young: Stay tuned for EBWF Warfare live tonight on A&E!

The scene faded.

[Dotty]

Sugar free syrup! Brilliant! I love reading your promos so much!

[Benjamin]

Thank you very much! :)