You're Real Good at Keepin' It Weird

[Kamden]

OOC: I have to get back in the swing of things. Writing English is hard lol.
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Camera video from a phone flashed on to the screen, showing an arena corridor. The occasionally production crew for the show walked by until, finally, the front facing camera flipped the image to show the face of someone who had the mug his and your mom would love to love.

Enzo Amore: Austin, Texas. What it do Scooby-Doo? The Certified G has some words to share with you before his match tonight. It sounds like Matt Sydal had a lot of smack to talk but that’s ok. Because like he very nicely admitted to the world, I’m better at it. There ain’t no out jabbin’ the master of gum flappin’, sissy smackin’ Enzo Amore. And ya CAN’T. TEACH. THAT.

Enzo gave his chest a pound and pointed to the camera as he started to walk aimlessly.

Enzo Amore: It don’t surprise me much that Matt Sydal makes a statement in ATX. You know they have that saying, “Keep Austin Weird.” Yeah, the people who came up with that don’t want anything to do with Matt Sydal ‘cuz he’s too flippin’ out there. When I say “what’s up scooby-doo” I’m not channeling my inner-Shaggy. Leave it to that tree-eating, plant-feeding, puff puff pass-hole. The Mystery Gang oughta open up an investigation on what’s going on between those elf ears. If I wasn’t gonna catch Matt Sydal in that ring tonight, I’d kick him in the scooby snacks, man. What is wrong with you? It's like you have holes in your brain. We have Swiss cheese for that. I bet it's because so many guys have smacked the shit out of you. Not even punched. Just that open-palm, "I told your ass not to say anything else" slap ya momma gave ya when you talked back. You look like you let a sumo wrestler headbutt you 20 million times in the gut and folded in half like a submarine sandwich. Then ate that sandwich, then crapped it out on a palm leaf. If God could hear you speak on this earth the way you do, he'd give the rib he took from Eve back to her just so you weren't born. Because you talk like you were a failed crash test dummy whose head flew threw a windshield. That definitely ain't somethin' you can teach.

Enzo stopped to stroke his manly goatee, which was combed out straight on his chin.

Enzo Amore: I know Sydal is a play on suicide but BRO… You’re killin’ ME and that ain’t supposed to be the act. My man, you act like you’re somethin’ special. Give me 3 counts in that square and when we’re done a doctor is gonna have to untie your trachea from your asshole. You’ll be leavin’ bass ackwards. Maybe I’ll make it easier for you to speak next time since all ya do is TALK CRAP. YOU STINK MAN. You know what I’ve been doing when I was MIA? Gettin’ JACKED. I’ma teach you somethin’ real quick, Matt. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you come from. It’s where you’re goin’. You can keep skippin’ like a broken record and talk about how you’re mega junior or the beat-your-meat prodigy of the year 2000. I don’t care. The fact for the night is that macho mad talk you got goin’ on is about to be your food for thought. The only thing you’s gonna be feastin’ on is your words and my feet after I jumpman air jordan your ass. Talk about KICKIN’ IT. Don’t come out singin’ your ABC’s because you’ll be LMNO-pleading for your dignity after I play you so hard. Like that Iverson crossover I’ma break your ankles and you’ll be screamin’ your head off. Then I’ll tell you to QR-STFU for bein’ a little bitch, and then pin you. 1-2-3.

By now Enzo was flexing. Really hard.

Enzo Amore: I gotta go do some reps man, this has me all messed up. It's gonna get real tonight, Austin. Deuces.

Enzo was visibly shaking his head before the video cut off.