Alien 5

[Kamden]

Matt Striker: Laaadies and gentleman of the EBWF universe, welcome to the Warfare Pre-show, live backstage at the Barclays Center in Philadelphia. We’ve got about half an hour until the show kicks off. We’ve got quite the show lined up tonight. Joining me at this time is aslifhsaukfhai.

A hand had swiped across Matt Striker’s face, causing him to blubber out what he was trying to say. Shortly after, a certain Certified G appeared beside Striker. Not out of thin air, but with a walk full of smooth swagger. Enzo Amore, with the Breakout championship over his shoulder, held up his hand and made a static sound effect into his fist.

Enzo Amore: Roger that, bro. I’ve spotted the dork in the hallway you were talkin’ about. Over.

Matt Striker looked over to Enzo with eyebrows raised. Enzo then looked to his left, as if Striker were looking past him. But he may as well have been, because yet another man of men popped up alongside Enzo. His neon bandana tightly wrapped around his hair, holding his oh-so-famous locks of hair back… He nodded his head and smiled as he looked down at a clipboard he had in his hands, he proceeded to check something off of his list.

Trent: Okay, “humorous introduction”. Check. Now… “Make a complete farce of being the Breakout Champion”. Make it a running joke that no one has beaten you yet and you haven’t had a title match in months.

Enzo’s eyes bugged widely and he looked at the title on his shoulder, then to Trent.

Enzo Amore: We were not supposed to do that one… Too soon my friend.

Trent: Sorry, sorry… how about “Flirt with Renee Young”.

Trent looked over at Matt Striker and shrugged.

Trent: Renee has gotten hell ugly, bro. Too much Rated-RKO flirting surely takes a toll on ya!

Enzo shook his head as Matt went to say something, and held a finger up to silence him. The pointer finger holds a lot of power.

Enzo Amore: They have NO game, whatsoever! It’s not a surprise Edge doesn’t have a honey.

Matt Striker: Edge is…

Trent: Not even a Starved up Winnie The Pooh would have ‘that’ Honey. Plus, he’s canadian… They don’t even have honey, they lick trees or sumthin’.

Enzo Amore: Two words: Maple syrup. It’s the honey of the norf norf. Strangely sweet sap is about the only sugar Edge is gettin these days. That and the powdered donut dust he likes to lick off his fingers. You know, he probably likes to stick his fingers through the donut holes and--

Matt Striker: How is this--

Trent: Aunt Jemima > Whatever Tree you’re licking, brother.

Enzo necked Striker with a swift smack to the back of his head.

Enzo Amore: No stupid questions, bro. Learn and listen. Maple syrup. Donut holes. Edge. Zero women. Do that math 'cuz Trent hates equations.

Trent: What were you going to ask? How is this related to wrestling? Who the hell do you think you are? The thing is, Enzo is so confident about this match… We can talk about Mooses, Meeses… What’s the grammatically correct way to say it?

Enzo Amore: The correct answer is fuck mooses, cuz’ they’re ugly. And fuck PETA cuz they’d wanna save all the meese. They don’t even give us good tasting food, so they’re just useless bags of meat walkin’ real slow in the woods. Much like Edge now. The only places this man has grown substantially in his life recently are his hair, maybe, his beard, maybe, and his gut, definitely. HIs life story is the original premise for the song “Let It Go” in Frozen. True story.

Trent: Edge… How can you call yourself Edge and be dull as can be?

Enzo Amore: Ain’t nothin’ sharp about Edge.

Trent: Edge is like that old knives moms and grannies refuse to throw away because it was once very sharp, but now it can’t even cut through butter.

Enzo Amore: And I got a four-letter word that sums it all up… Trent.

Turning to face Trent, Enzo waited briefly for the response.

Trent: FUCK.

Matt Striker: WHAT THE--

Enzo Amore: HEY! WATCH YOUR MOUTH YOU SCRAPPY, SHRIMPY MAN!

Enzo again turned around and necked Matt Striker, who rubbed at the back of his head as he winced upon impact.

Enzo Amore: I know what you were gonna say. NOT COOL! There’s kids watchin’.

Trent: How come there are kids watching at this late in the night? BAD PARENTING. Anyway Edge, just like the word ‘Tubular’, to hell with ya… You’ve come and gone while Enzo and I, we’re the brand new spinners of EBWF… I bet you don’t even know what a Spinner is. Don’t worry… Your head will be Spinning right after Enzo beats the Moosecrap out of you!

Enzo Amore: You’ll be a certified Nose compass, man. Please look back over PETA-DY for details. Vegans won’t approve. Which means you’ll hate it ‘cuz I hear you’re a vegan now. What a SISSY! SAD!

Trent: There’s really no point in talking much about Edge. What can we say that hasn’t already been said? He’s past his time, he tries way to hard to be funny, but is sour as grapes! Have you noticed just like you never see Clark Kent and Superman in the same place, at the same time… You never see Edge and Donald Trump in the same place, at the same time?

Matt Striker: You guys, this is ridiculous. There’s-

Enzo Amore: A lot to say about Edge though. Ain’t that a contradiction or somethin’? Cuz Trent JUST said there’s no point talkin’ about him… My English isn’t so good, you know. It’s a good thing words are how you say… Sticks and stones. Cuz if it came down to that, Edge would be murdered dead by our back breakin’, spine crackin, neck snappin’ trash talkin’. Edge uses a SPEAR to attack people! We have guns now, dude. Knives. AUTOMATIC Crossbows!!! All kinds of crap that’ll knock your intestines straight out of your ass like a baby’s poopsplosion. As I have said before in reference to Edge, I hope he still has his binky, and I hope he has a change of diapers for when he shits himself in the ring after I mop the floor with him. Whoop him. GIVE HIM A SPANKIN’ ON THE BOOTY FREAKIN’ WOOTY, JUDY! YOUR NEW RING NAME OUGHTA BE-

At this moment, Enzo’s face contorted as he failed to think of the opposite of an “Edge”, proper noun or regular noun or adjective or whatever grammar thingy. His nostrils flared as he let his arm down to his side and frowned in upset.

Enzo Amore: This must be what it feels like to be Edge. And maybe gay. Cuz Edge is maybe gay. It’s why he can’t get a girlfriend and only hangs out with Randy Orton.

Trent: Edge’s new name? What Edge needs is to be born again… Only then he could have a shot at you, my man. And you can bet your ass he has diapers, every single retirement home has nurses ready to change the old timers diapers.

Enzo Amore: Wait, so you’re tellin’ me… Edge is retired? Why’s he back then? You can’t be retired and still show up to the job. UNLESS--

Trent: Midlife Crisis? Infinite Crisis? Crisis on Infinite earths?

Enzo held up both hands with open palms.

Enzo Amore: Aliens.

Both Trent and Matt looked at Enzo.

Enzo Amore: Aliens have entered his brain and laid eggs in there. And every time he sneezes, one is expelled from his body, but ONLY IF THERE IS A BOOGER TO CARRY IT!

Trent: Aliens? I told ya we should’ve beaten Contra on the NES. Or watched the Alien Trilogy and shave our heads like Sigourney Weaver

Matt Striker: So you’re telling me--

Enzo Amore: Edge is a retired gay man INFESTED with aliens. This is the next Big Bang Theory. BOOM!

As Trent was scribbling something on his clipboard Enzo’s loud exclamation startled him. His pencil flew out of his hand and he pointed at Striker with a finger instead.

Trent: Thanks for the help. NERD.

Ironic coming from the nerdiest of nerds in the business. Trent tossed the clipboard he held over his shoulder, and walked away. Enzo was still staring off into space, amazed at the new Big Bang Theory. It wasn't until Matt Striker made a noise that Enzo snapped out of it.

Matt Striker: Uhhhh-

Enzo put a finger to his lips, shushing Striker gently. He backed away from Striker slowly until he was no longer on camera. The scene faded out with Matt Striker left alone, looking off to the side where GTA had walked off.