The Miz was the EBWF Gateway Champion. He was one of the companies biggest stars, and currently was it's highest champion, with the World Title being vacant. However, he knew, as did everybody, that this was about to change. For the first time in company history the EBWF World Championship would be decided in the Royal Rumble match. This had fans and superstars alike, buzzing with anticipation. The Miz had accomplished a great deal as a member of the EBWF, but winning the Royal Rumble was still something that had slipped through his fingertips. He had been close a couple of times, but this year felt different, this year it was worth more than a trip to Wrestlemania.. this year it was worth his third reign as the companies top man. Miz was focused, he was locked in, he knew that holding the games top two prizes would put him in another stratosphere with regards to his legacy. He knew that a win at Royal Rumble would solidify him as the companies #1 guy, and this was something he was ready to prove was true.
The scene opened up in a nice banquet hall. The camera zoomed into the front of the room where The Miz sat. He wore an Armani Gray Suit, had his hair slicked back and he wore sunglasses. The EBWF Gateway Championship was over his shoulder. He was looking into the camera with a confident smirk on his face. In front of him was ping pong balls that popped around inside a bubble. The Miz' broke the silence as he began to address his audience watching.
The Miz: Here we are just days away from the biggest Royal Rumble in the history of the EBWF. In case you've been living under a rock, I'll say that the reason it is the biggest rumble of all time, is because for the first time ever the EBWF Championship is on the line. So I'm sure with this news, every single Mizfit out there had the same thought all at once.. "what does our hero think about this?" Well friends.. here is the answer.. I'm pretty.. well I'm pretty freaking pumped. The reason I'm pumped is not the same as the other jamoaks in this business, who get a little chub chub thinking that they MIGHT become the EBWF World Champion.. no.. the reason I'm pumped is because I KNOW that I'm about to become the Champion. The EBWF Championship is not for some suck-a-doodle-doo to hold.. the EBWF Championship is for the cream of the crop, the best of the best, the superest of superstars.. it's for someone like me. Now as always, like all winners, I'm very careful to not overlook anyone in this company. I don't want anyone to accuse me of being egotistical enough to think that I'm just going to roll through the other 29 superstars without breaking a sweat.. even though quite frankly... I'm about to roll through the other 29 superstars without breaking a sweat. Having said that, I still would like to explain all of my enamored fans.. just why I'm not even remotely intimidated by the rest of the field. So to help me.. I borrowed this baby from the lottery/NBA Draft.. to help talk about some of the superstars that are going to be forced to be nothing but jealous come the end of the show on Sunday. So Mizfits.. miztakes... let's get started.
The Miz cranked a lever on the site of the popper. 4 Ping Pong Balls shot out. The camera zoomed in to show "Dean Ambrose, Mick Foley, Syxx, and Sami Zayn" The Miz laughed.
The Miz: What a first four- I mean you got Dean Ambrose.. who just inexplicably is still here somehow. Like I don't get this guy "oh but Miz he is unhinged.. he's a lunatic." Really? Really he's a lunatic? Yeah he is a lunatic if he thinks he's going to do anything but suck the life out of the Royal Rumble with how much he.. well sucks. He's going to come into this match like pulling at his hair and drooling on the ring apron, and everyone is gonna be like "why does EBWF still have this guy on their payroll.." Truth be told I'm already asking myself that question. I mean does he have anything interesting to do or say ever? Does he actually back up his craziness with results? No.. and No.. So basically he's just a wild animal, who can't hurt anyone. Great.. perfect.. sounds like an EBWF superstar to me.. I think I'll pass on my invitation to the "maybe Dean Ambrose will win the Royal Rumble" party. Then you got Mick Foley.. and my head explodes from an overload of.. "what the heck year am I in?" Mick freaking Foley? Sorry I'm not addressing him much more than saying, there is not one part of this excellence personified, that you're looking at right now.. that is at all worried about Mick "I wear Dad Sweatpants and have never seen a nacho plate I haven't assaulted" Foley. Speaking of assaulted.. we have Syxx.. who has assaulted people on the streets.. he's assaulted Jack Daniels bottles.. he's assaulted his bank account.. which is why he keeps coming back to this company.. why he's allowed to... I'm not sure.. but my god.. more decrepit rejects who have absolutely no freaking shot at walking out of the Royal Rumble with MY EBWF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP. If you think Syxx is going to win, there's a good chance you've hit the crack pipe about SIX times.. because there's no way this muddy liver having reject-o-rama.. is going to be any kind of a threat whatsoever. Finally.. Sami Zayn.. oh Sami Zayn.. the guy who leads the league in telling everybody how I'm not amazing at what I do.. then having to go back and say.. "well actually.. I guess he's pretty good.." after I dismantle him. Sami.. this is just going to be yet another example of the EBWF being a land of haves and have nots. Stop trying to sit at the big kids table Sami.. stop trying to trick people into thinking that you are a major player around here. First of all- when it comes to that- there's The Miz- and then there is everybody friggin else. Second of all- even if there was anybody else that could even be remotely considered on my tier, your ginger overrated ass would not be one of them. I've talked about you, up down and all around, I've outlined why you're not going to ever worry me in any type of match.. and the reason is.. not only that I'm so much more talented in every facet of what we do.. but it's because not only do I know that.. now.. SO DO YOU. I have done nothing but dominate you week in and week out, and though you came in to the EBWF as fiery as your disgusting hair.. you have fizzled out.. you are just a name now that people go "oh I used to care.. but now he's kinda blah." You're blah dude.. and blah isn't going to be the Champion.. and to refute that.. which for Syxx means "to respond with an altering opinion." I know you will do a lot of blah'ing.. in fact.. your blah self.. well probably say something like "blah blah blah blah," but all my Mizfits will be doing is zoning out thinking to themselves.. "I can't wait until Miz obliterates this nerd... again."
The Miz removed the four ping pong balls from the holders. He then cranked the lever once more. This time Tyler Breeze, Chris Jericho, Bray Wyatt, and Bret Hart came up.
The Miz: Oh man this just keeps getting better. It's actually pretty awesome doing it this way.. because when you actually get to see the names in front of your face you just do a lot of like "I can't freaking believe these are the guys I work with." I mean starting with Tyler Breeze.. one half of the so called 'Gorgeous Guys' always a pleasure beating the hell out of this moron. He was the kid in high school who had that hand held mirror.. you know to check his face.. to apply his mascara.. maybe add a little blush. He was the guy that all the girls were like "yeah I mean he's cute.. but.. I mean.. obviously he's... you know... " Right now Tyler is all "I just thought everyone thought I had an eye for drapes.." You do bud... you do.. and THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. What there is something wrong with.. is you trying to stand in my way for the EBWF Title. Like I wouldn't stand in your way for the new Jonas Brothers poster.. we know that's important to you.. and the EBWF Title is everything to me.. so stay out of my way Breeze.. or just expect to get run over like your father's hopes of having a football player for a son instead of a male cheerleader. Speaking of disappointing.. I can't tell you how excited I was when I heard a superstar was going to be making his return to the EBWF.. I racked my brain over which young gun.. had left and was now going to come back and make his long awaited return to the ring in the rumble.. then I found out it was Bret Hart.. and I was like.. "gross."
The Miz smirked.
The Miz: I wish someone would actually hire a "hit man" so that Bret Hart wasn't allowed to come back to this business everytime he needs money. Bret Hart.. Mick Foley.. like when did this become the pro wrestling retirement home match? I'm so over having to explain why Bret Hart or any of these other fossils are not going to be able to stop someone like me.. it goes without saying.. I'm in my prime.. and they've been hit in the head so many times.. that they don't know what a prime number is. Bret Hart may have never known.. and one other thing he'll never know.. is how it feels to be the EBWF World Champion again.. because I plan on making that a fact for every shroom in the back who has a pipe dream of wearing that title. Speaking of wearing that title.. Chris mother effing Jericho.. nobody has worn it more than him in the history of the business.. that would be impressive.. if I was the type of guy to get impressed by somebody like Chris Jericho... I'm not though... like at all. Chris and I have battled it out in the ring.. Chris' music and my ears have battled it out on itunes.. Chris love handles.. and my talent.. have battled it out for what sticks out more. The point is we've had battles.. and maybe Royal Rumble will be the latest installment of them, but what it won't be is the latest installment of is Chris Jericho as the EBWF World Champion. Nobody wants to see that.. nobody needs that.. Chris Jericho.. I've said it before and I'll say it again.. please please please.. just stop trying to be the cool old guy. Like just be the old guy.. do crossword puzzles.. wear tube socks.. embrace the fact that you've had your run.. and stop trying to wear your hat sideways and listen to hip hop.. so to speak. Just tell the girls in the back to cover up.. tell the guys to drive careful.. and explain to them how everything when you were a kid cost so much less. The truth is I love doing this whole bit about how Chris is ancient.. even though he's only 10 years older than me.. the fact is.. in this match with the likes of Mick Foley who's like 90.. and Bret Hart who could be Mick's dad.. Chris is like a young pup in this match. Chris- I won't lie.. I know you can still go.. I'm just hoping you choose to go.. away. Though I've been saying that since I've been here.. and here you still are. So this is me.. The Miz.. accepting that while there's an EBWF.. Chris Jericho is going to be in it.. and whenever there's a spotlight to try and steal.. Chris Jericho will be there trying to steal it.. but Chris what I want you to know.. what I need you to know.. is that you aren't stealing this guys spotlight this time.. this time.. its my moment.. you've had plenty.. but now it's time for you to finally sit back and watch as the man who is better than you'll EVER be.. takes his rightful place back at the top of the mountain. Speaking of mountains.. or those as fat as them.. Bray Wyatt.. unfortunately Bray's irrelevance and metaphors.. have led to me not caring enough to really address him.. I'm not going to follow the buzzards.. just my intuition that he's a fat loser who's going to have no real impact on the match.. other than the ring itself when he hits it.
The Miz once again removed the ping pong balls from the holder. He cranked once again. "Jimmy Havoc, Kevin Owens, Bobby Roode, and Edge appeared.
The Miz: Interesting group here.. and when I say interesting.. I mean brutally uninteresting. Jimmy Havoc..Jimmy Havoc.. what is there to say about Jimmy Havoc.. in the past couple of months he has been parading around as the EBWF General Manager.. which generally.. is insane. Jimmy Havoc, in a lot of ways is the flavor of the month.. and while there's a lot of flavors like.. vanilla.. strawberry.. chocolate.. Jimmy is more like.. dog shit.. and who wants to eat a dog shit ice cream cone.. not me. Jimmy Havoc is an interesting character in the sense that I'm interested in why people find him interesting. That for me is the only thing I'm interested in when it comes to him. I'm interested in how he's parlayed his weirdness into a career where people actually pay him to be here. I'm interested in to how a guy so small, and so odd.. can even compete around here.. and I'm interested in how he's going to attempt to still intimidate me.. AFTER I toss his 5'6 slipknot fan boy ass out of the ring.. and continue on with my god damn day. Speaking of ice cream cones...
The Miz smirked.
The Miz: Kevin Owens.. Kevin and I have had a ton of history together. He's been my buddy.. he's been my opponent.. we've been to restauraunts together.. he's ended all you can eat buffets.. by himself. We know each other well. Lately, our interaction has mostly just been him losing matches to me.. and trust when I say that Royal Rumble will be no different. Though we may need a forklift to eliminate him on Sunday.. I will pay for it.. and it will get that fat batubba out of the ring.. and back into obscurity where he belongs. Speaking of obscure.. Bobby Roode.. oh Bobby.. another guy who has bounced around this business like the ping pong balls in this here popper. Bobby Roode is going to continue to be bounced around the ring on Sunday.. until he's bounced for this match.. probably our company.. probably from his next job.. probably from his marriage.. until he's bounced from planet earth completely and is remembered for being the guy who was cocky despite never actually well you know doing anything or having any form of accomplishments whatsoever. Then of course there is Edge- ah one of my favorites.. Edge continues this trip down memory lane with his yearly appearance in the Royal Rumble.. though this year was special.. Edge actually came back before the Rumble.. and get this captured the EBWF Championship.. people were like "wait, what?" Including myself.. I was like how did Gary Busey win the World Championship.. and someone else was like.. "no that's Edge" and I was like "what's an Edge?" Forgive me Edge, if I don't seem happy that your back.. because well I'm not happy that your back. I'm never happy that your back.. because everytime your back.. you want me to care that you're back.. and I just don't.. like at friggin all. This time will be no different than all the other times.. because after you don't win the rumble.. you will go back to brushing your teeth.. or doing whatever it is you do to make the days go by, and you the EBWF will be a place you go every January to get made fun of.. and not then lose.. so unless you decide to randomly find your talent again like you did this year.. I'll see you next January.. I'll be the guy making fun of you.. and beating you.
The Miz gave the popper one more crank. This time it was "Samoa Joe, Chris Hero, Noam Dar, Velveteen Dream"
The Miz: What a crew this is. Starting with Samoa Joe. I don't understand how all these tubbos are in this company. Like it's supposed to be a company of physically fit athletes.. yet we get all of these guys who instead of being filled with muscle and talent.. they're filled with pudding and jello. Samoa Joe is another one of my all time favorite guys to beat.. because he just has this aura about him that he's actually tough and a force.. when he's actually just bloated and terrible. Joe is not going to kill me.. in fact.. I'm going to kill his self esteem even more than I already have in the past.. I'm dare I say it.. going to destroy Joe.. and any hopes that he may have of becoming the EBWF Champion. Speaking of guys that have no shot at becoming the EBWF Champion.. Chris Hero Noam Dar.. and the Velveteen Dream come to mind right away. I feel like this match is just a checklist of guys I've already embarrassed and will soon embarrass again.. the only guy I haven't faced before.. is the Veleveteen Dream.. and I honestly don't have any words for what I witnessed him do the first time he was on EBWF programming. I don't know much about much... that's a lie obviously.. but what I do know.. is that the Velveteen Rabbit.. I mean Dream.. is dream-ING.. if he thinks he's going to be EBWF Champion on Sunday.. Hash tag fact. It's the same with nobodies like Marty Scrull.. Mike Kanellis.. Tomasso Ciampa.. Braun Strowman.. and don't even worry about The Rock or Rey Mysterio.. I just happen to know they aren't going to have a good performance..
The Miz smiled knowingly.
The Miz: Jeff Hardy- sorry.. don't care.. not winning.. which leaves me with 3 Ping Pong Balls left.
The Miz dramatically removed 3 Ping Pong Balls from the popper. "AJ STYLES.. PJ BLACK.. RANDY ORTON."
The Miz: These are the guys- these are the 3 guys- besides myself- that are the major players in this match. These are the 3 guys that throughout my career.. I haven't completely mastered.. The 3 guys that I haven't completely reigned supreme over. We'll start with Mr. Orton. Randy Orton is the longest reigning EBWF Champion of all time. He's got tattoo's, he's a snake in the grass that calls himself the viper.. so clever. He's married to the bosses sister.. and he has a wave of entitlement that goes along with pretty much everything he does. The fact of the matter is that, he can flat out get it done in the ring. As annoying as it is.. everytime his stupid music plays.. he's good.. but I'm better. Randy, I just refuse to accept that somebody like you.. is going to be able to come back and take this shine away from me.. that you're going to be able to come back and steal my moment.. my chance to be BOTH the EBWF Champion and the EBWF Gateway Champion at the same time! Orton your hay day has long since passed, and though I respect you and everything you've done.. I hope you respect me when I tell you that we are at the end of your resume.. We aren't adding any more accomplishments to your list. Your time is done! Now I know you Randy, and I know you've never thought much of me.. and the way that I've conducted myself in this company, but one thing that we have in common.. is that we've both NEVER been afraid to do exactly what it takes to be successful.. whatever that might be. I also know that come Sunday, you are going to be hell bent on winning this rumble.. of regaining that title.. of regaining your stardom here.. absolutely HELL BENT.. and I know that to stop you.. I may actually have to send you DIRECTLY to hell to beat you.. and I mean it.. if that's what I have to do.. then that is exactly what's going to happen.
The Miz thought for a second as he was pretty intense after being so light about so many of the other superstars.
The Miz: PJ Black- another guy who I'm finally just going to say it.. this guy is mint in the ring. He's got a lot of talent.. he's proven it time and time again.. he's gotten the better of me in the past.. but I'm living in the moment.. relax Jeff Hardy.. not like you do.. because nothing I do is like you do.. but I'm living in the present and I'm looking towards the future, PJ. That's a world where PJ Black never gets overlooked by The Miz.. and it's a world where PJ black NEVER gets the better of the Miz every a freaking gain. This Sunday at the Royal Rumble.. you're going to think that you're in my head, PJ.. and you're going to be right.. Except you won't be in my head to the point where you're past success is going to psych me out.. instead you're going to be in my head.. because I'm going to be so focused.. and so satisfied when it happens.. of watching you and your hopes of regaining the top prize in our gamer.. crash over the top rope and to the floor below. It's no secret PJ that I've never liked you..but I will NOT be underestimating your talent any more.. all I'll be doing.. is finally proving that I have MORE OF IT THAN YOU.
The Miz smiled.
The Miz: And then there was one... good old AJ. Look buddy.. the last time we met in the ring.. I'll admit.. I escaped with a W.. I used the fact that I have a brain.. and yours has been rotted by drugs and alcohol.. to outsmart you and get out of there with my EBWF Gateway Championship. You left your mark though, injuring my back.. that still is bothering me.. but the fact is AJ.. I'm just a winner.. you're a good guy.. and you're fun to chill with.. and I'm glad we've developed a friendship.. and have been able to win some matches together.. but one thing I know you're not, without me by your side.. is a winner. So on Sunday when you and I are in the same ring.. fighting for the same prize.. the cream will once again rise to the top.. the WINNER will be revealed.. and everyone's favorite part of the Sequel will be ON FULL DISPLAY. AJ, you are my friend.. but I know you better than anyone else does.. and one thing I know about you.. is that if I give you enough time.. you will let your emotions get the best of you.. you will let your temper get in the way of ultimately being successful. You will then turn your blame to everybody else.. when the only person you should be looking at is the hungover man you'll see in the mirror. Don't worry though man, we can still get a drink together that night.. we'll still chill.. and I guess to let you know.. that we're still buddies.. right now I'll even say it.. to you.. and to everyone else.. Royal Rumble.. biggest one in history.. EBWF Championship on the line.. may the best man win... and don't worry.. because.. I WILL.
BECAUSE I'm THE MIZZ
AND I'M
AWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The Miz winked into the camera as the scene faded to black.