The Hassananator
Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 1:53 pm
Muhammad Hassan
0/0/0
The cameras are live at ringside, as EBWF Warfare returns from a commercial break. The cameras do a quick panoramic sweep of the jam packed Orleans arena, where the lively Vegas crowd are all waiting to see just what will happen next on what has already been a spectacular show. That buzzing sense of anticipation soon turns into disappear, as the Islamic call to prayer booms throughout the arena signalling the imminent arrival of a less then loved superstar. A few moments pass, then Muhammad Hassan steps out from behind the curtain, dressed in his usual attire of a dishdasha and a ghutra covering his hairline. He stands at the top of the entrance ramp momentarily, his eyes quickly scanning over the hostile crowd, before slowly making his way down towards the ring. As he does the crowd continue to show their disapproval of his presence; with the usual booing, and a few cries of ‘Go back home’ getting picked up by the cameras. None of that seems to remotely phase Hassan though, who looks unnervingly calm as makes his way up the steel steps and enters the ring. As he does the commentary team finally speak up, and give their opinion on his return.
Jim Ross: Well I hate to judge a book by its cover, but this mans presence is never a good thing. He seems to bring hate with him everywhere that he goes, and him being here has somewhat soured this evening for me.
Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler: I know what you mean JR, this young man has done nothing to make himself more likable during his time in the business, and I get the feeling that’s a theme that’ll continue tonight.
By now Hassan has gotten a microphone, and has made his way into the middle of the ring. As the jeering from the crowd begins to settle down, he raises the microphone to his mouth and begins to address the sold out Orleans arena.
Muhammad Hassan: I, the great Muhammad Hassan, have something you show each and every one of you.
Hassan then takes off his traditional Islamic clothing, to reveal that he was wearing a pair of stone washed denim jeans, with a top sporting the American flag on it underneath. The crowd don’t quite seem to know what to make of this turn of events, but they do however seem to want to see more. Hassan doesn’t let them down as he dashes out of the ring, and fishes around under it. A few moments later he pulls out a cowboy hat. Hassan then rolls back inside of the ring, and starts fist pumping.
JR: I’m… Not quit sure what to make of this, King!
King: This shit cray, ain’t it J?
JR: What?
King: I mean… I was not expecting this to happen, truly astonishing.
Our attention is then drawn back to Hassan, who is currently dosey-dohing around the ring.
Hassan: I am just like every one of you! I may have been born in Jordan, but I’ve lived the majority of my life in these United States of America… And I’ve loved it! I love beef burgers, I love beer, I love the Jersey Shore; shout out to my man Pauly D, and most importantly I love the people!
The fans, surprisingly, start to cheer Hassan who now has a smile slapped across his face.
Hassan: It seems every time I join a new promotion, the owners come up to me like ‘Hey, Muhammad’ which isn’t even my real name, I’m called Mark Magnus. Anyway, they come up to me and pull the ‘You’re from the middle-east, so you’re the perfect candidate to play the Muslim that hates America!’ Following the post 9/11 fear state this country came to live in, it seemed that all everybody wanted for me to be was the bad guy. I mean, they even made me change my name to Muhammad, if I was a Muslim do you know how insulting that would be? I’m not, but I mean y’know? To my naivety I agreed to it, and it did not go well… It didn’t go well at all. I had to retire for 7 years, you guys took that real serious. Turns out wrestling is all fake, until the Muslim shows up. Then it gets real, hell I was even watching my promos back thinking ‘Someone needs to kick this son of a bitch square in the balls.’
The crowd again give Hassan a positive reaction.
JR: I wanted to do that too.
King: I wanted to see his balls.
JR: …
King: I mean, I agree whole heartedly.
After that awkward moment, we again go back to Hassan, hoping we can forget what we’ve just heard.
Hassan: So, when I signed up here no surprise, they wanted me to do the same! But I will not repeat the mistakes of my past, I love this business far too much to spend another 7 years in exile. Which means from now on Muhammad Hassan is no more, I’m back to being the beer drinking, burger eating, ass kicking son of a bitch better known as Mark Magnus!
JR: I feel like this guy could be my best friend!
King: I thought I was your best friend, why is everything I do never enough for you?!
JR: King, are you feeling alright?
King: I’m perfectly fine, in fact my current emotional state falls within the legal guidelines to class me as a sane person.
King and JR continue to talk between themselves, as we go back to Mark.
Mark Magnus: Tonight you’ll get to see just what Mark Magnus is all about, as I lay a beat down on that morbidly obese, boring ass, slack jawed infidel… Sorry, it’s a little hard to turn the Muslim off… Either way, I’m going to kick Barden Walker’s ass tonight! Then I’m going to Hooters to get my drink on, and then find some chick I can find to take home, so I can get my poke on. But for now I’m outty dudes, deuces. Boys hit my music!
Real American then begins to play as Magnus exits the ring, and makes his way up the entrance ramp. The fans are all cheering, as he stops and turns to face them again; as he does a huge American flag unfolds behind him. Magnus smiles and waves to the crowd, before turning and making his way back behind the curtain. He passes by everyone in the guerrilla position, who seem pleased with his work. As he continues back towards the locker room, he runs into Geoff Shreeves.
Geoff Shreeves: Mark, Mark; great promo out there, but are you aware that legally you aren’t actually an American?
Mark’s face drops, and he looks visibly upset as he slowly turns around and walks away.
