Soooo, I guess this is how the game gets played these days. For those of you wondering, uh, yeah I’m going to be in the Royal Rumble. You wouldn’t know this because – well – other than a little blurb EBWF posted on their website – I have had precisely zero hype going into this event. But uh, hey, you all are dumb marks who will buy into anything sold right? I guess, yeah, that’s what I should think. I could just come on out with 29 other people and sure enough you’d think there was a “possibility” of any one of those guys leaving with a ticket to WrestleMania, right? Right?
[[Kevin mockingly raises an eyebrow and makes a bemused face.]]
Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot – it’s not the 1970’s. We’re not trying to sell this industry as “still real dammit.” So instead I’m going to level with you. You know why? Cause I’m way over here on the interwebs, and no one in management can say a damn thing about what I share with you good people.
[[His face turns a more serious tone.]]
So let’s gets real – is Kevin Nash going to win the Royal Rumble? No. Is it because I lack the fanbase? Well considering I out pop just about anyone in the company who’s name is not John Cena, I’m thinking that’s not the problem. Is it because I’m old enough to remember going to Disco parties not ironically? Probably not, cause let’s face it, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair have proven you don’t need to be young, or even really be talented to be over like a mother fucker – which is good, cause I’m neither of those things either.
[[The big man shrugs and grins.]]
No, see Kevin Nash isn’t going to win the Royal Rumble because before anyone called me and left me a message on my voicemail – yes true story that’s how I found out I was going to be in this match – a whole bunch of people sitting in St. Louis sat around and talk about who was going to headline WrestleMania. Maybe Randy Orton gets his belt back from Trent-questionmark. Maybe John Cena cashes in his Path to Glory belt and takes the title before Mania, or at Mania? Hell maybe Ted DiBiase finally steps up in a big way and they start utilizing him the way he deserved to be used all this time. Maybe AJ Styles quits being a lifetime midcarder and they trust him. Maybe a lot of things happened in that meeting, but one thing we know definitely didn’t happen – no one said “let’s trust Kevin Nash with this spot.”
And here’s the kicker, I get it. I mean, I really understand why they wouldn’t want me anywhere near the main event. For one thing, I’m not a road warrior. The Rumble winner doesn’t just get to the front of the line, he’s thrust in the spotlight. He’s there, center stage. Not only doing the media tour, but the entire “Road to WrestleMania” is built around them gaining momentum. That means selling house shows, and Warfares, and even Fallout on the basis of this dude showing up and entertaining. And you know what? I’m too damn old, and I just don’t really have that kind of energy anymore. The fact I’m probably the most expensive man on their roster in terms of per-appearance fees? Didn’t help that either.
So instead, they thought, hey, that Kevin Nash guy, he’s over like a fucking pie at fat camp. Let’s throw him out there. He’ll get a pop, the crowd will like it, we might even get some VinnieVegas trending action. Yup, that’s what they were thinking. That’s how they see this all going down. But uh – you know – I guess that’s not really what I was thinking.
[[Big Sexy pauses, like he’s reflecting his many options.]]
So the professional thing to do, is my j-o-b. Put over one of those guys who’s gonna be a good company man. And if I should so happen to be in the ring with Wes at some point, you know, go about business as usual.
[[Big Kev begins to have a wicked smile creep across his face. Like the years of hatred he’s carried for Ikeda has begun to percolate his imagination.]]
Oh yeah, Wes, damn, and here I was thinking I had almost forgotten about you. Yeah, I’m thinking, the EBWF crowd they want to see a couple of shots, a few blows, maybe, I don’t know, a Jackknife or something. Maybe a few of your Kool-Aid drinking marks wants to see you hit that coast to coast, long jump, indie-bait move. That’s not too much to ask is it? To give the audience something they would actually want to see – I realize you in the ring is usually rough as best, but just once, wouldn’t it be nice to have the crowd invested in something you did in there?
[[Kevin allows the moment to simmer in the air. He slowly places down his iPad and recomposes himself before returning to his usual cool and aloof personality.]]
But this, this is all just hypothedical. I don’t know what happens behind close doors, I don’t know me and Wes will be in the ring at the same time, hell truth be told I don’t know for sure who’s wining the Rumble. I’m just speaking as a smart guy, who’s been around the block a few times, on some things weighing on his mind...
[[The massive Nash stands up from his chair. He begins to walk away before he turns back around, to notice that recording light is still on. A crooked grin sneaks over his face, like he’s trying to hold back the laughter to a joke only he can hear. He slowly, methodically, and deliberately begins to saunter back to his seat. He sits, and stares directly into the lense of the camera.]]
...and I am a smart guy. Smart enough to know when to pull at the strings and when to let them go. Smart enough to still be one of the highest paid, and most popular wrestlers in the world. And smart enough to play management and the crowd simultaneously. So who am I playing right now? Them, you, or both?
You know when and where to find the answers.