Colt Cabana: I know… You could come out as Van Helsing! Saying you’re going to Slay “Gabriel the Werewolf”.
Brainstorming with your best friend not always resulted in Slammy Award winning ideas. Punk lifted his eyes from his latest “Batman” comic book to look at his friend. Punk and the entire EBWF locker room apparently got a week off, which he spent at his place in Chicago.
CM Punk: Van Helsing is a character from Dracula, you idiot.
Colt Cabana: What? I swear I saw a werewolf in that Hugh Jackman movie.
CM Punk: The only Hugh Jackman movies acknowledged in this house are those from the X-men series…
Punk paused for a moment.
CM Punk: Except for “Origins” and "X-men 3"…
Colt Cabana: The one with the blue chick?
CM Punk glared at Cabana, hoping he realized the terrible mistake he had just committed. Colt shrugged.
Colt Cabana: Hey, I’m just trying to help!
Punk closed his comic book and nodded.
CM Punk: You want to help? How about I get you a front row ticket, you come onto the ring and allow me to shave your head and vow to be sober for life?
Colt Cabana: You know I don’t have a problem with your extreme sobriety… But there’s not a chance I would ruin this killer sideburns.
CM Punk: You could keep the sideburns.
Colt Cabana: No thanks, I’d leave the Slammy award for “most extreme hairstyle” to you.
Cabana chuckled.
Colt Cabana: It is really refreshing, to watch you get back on the horse so quickly...
Punk reproduced that glare he threw at Colt a few minutes ago.
Colt Cabana: Alright, alright… Maybe you never fell off the horse. But I wasn’t expecting them to put you in line back for Cena’s title so quick. Now that I think of it, they should rename it like that.
Punk shrugged.
CM Punk: Eh. He prints money. And does things I find utterly uncomfortable.
Colt Cabana: Speak of the devil… How was dinner with the Divas?
Punk quickly picked his comic book again.
CM Punk: ’twas alright.
Colt Cabana: Just alright?
CM Punk: Just alright.
Uncomfortable silence. It was crystal clear Punk wasn’t going into details regarding "Dinner with the Divas” and as his best friend, Colt knew he had to steer the conversation towards a different direction.
Colt Cabana: So, Gabriel… And then back in line for the title?
CM Punk: I don’t know… The buzz going around is they want Cena to win the rumble, and in order to do so he has to drop the title…
Colt Cabana: UNLESS! Unless they find a way to clone John Cena... They could clone him twice, have one clone of Cena feud with the original one and give the other Cena a sex change and put the Women's title on him...
CM Punk: What?
Colt Cabana: THE JOHN CENA SHOW!!!! Sadly, you know how that whole story of the cloned sheep ended, so they'd have to do with someone other than a Cena clone.
CM Punk: They’ve been talking about Orton, Lesnar never really got his rematch. I was torn between those two, then all of a sudden they tossed me back into the PTG title picture.
Colt Cabana: Well, you have a golden shot! You just need to bring your crosses, holy water, a necklace of garlic and a big ass Crucifix and you need to beat the hell out of that werewo…
So many wrong references might just have given CM Punk the Aneurysm dating Maria Kanellis didn't.
CM Punk: STAHP!
Richmond, Virginia. The capacity crowd at Richmond Coliseum cheered their lungs out, as if they couldn't get enough from their favorite EBWF Superstars. The EBWF tron lit up to show the lovely and ever so ready Renee Young, clad in a very cute red dress, her blonde locks of hair falling graciously down both sides of her head. She held a microphone close to her carmine colored lips. Standing next to her, wearing a black Ramones T-shirt, a truckers cap and jeans, the Second City Saint and number one contender for the Path To Glory Title, CM Punk.
Renee Young: Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time... CM Punk
Punk leaned into the microphone.
CM Punk: Hey, I just thought I'd drop by and main event Warfare here in...
Punk paused.
CM Punk: Nah, I'll let John Cena do the cheap popping. One of the only things he's good for anyway. Please go ahead, Renee.
Renee Young: CM Punk, the last time we saw you in action you defeated CJ Parker and The Miz to become the number one contender for the Path To Glory Championship... Little did we expect this shot would come as soon as a week after the Fanniversary event! How are you feeling?
CM Punk: Confident, Renee. I'm confident the PTG title would soon return to where it belongs, as much as that makes John Cena Cringe. I'll save you the lecture on how I forged the PTG title, on how the PTG title is a synonym for CM Punk, on how everytime it leaves my hands is in exchange for a World Title shot... I'll even save the conspiracy theory where John Cena is pushing backstage for the PTG title to be retired after I win tonight.
Renee Young: You're going up against the winner of the PTG tournament, Justin Gabriel. Gabriel had to defeat quite a few opponents to become PTG Champion...
CM Punk: Barrett? Beat. Rose, the selfie obsessed guy? Not in my league. Renee, what part of "I never lost the PTG title" do people do not get? Justin Gabriel has been parading for over two week with MY title, the one I earned, the one I forged, and luckily, the one I will reclaim tonight.
Renee Young: You have to admit, Justin Gabriel stands out from all of the other PTG tournament contestants, specially because of his risky aerial wrestling style... What sort of strategy to you have to counter that?
Punk slowly grabbed a hold of the microphone Renee was holding.
CM Punk: That's my cue. The last time you saw me in action I was getting the job done. I was doing my talking in that ring, between those ropes... Tonight will be no different. Justin Gabriel might be fast, Justin Gabriel might call himself the DareDevil... But is he really the fearless risk taker people make him to be?
Punk toyed with his lipring as he looked into the camera.
CM Punk: Sure, he performs that one move that has the highest statistical probability of going wrong, the 450º splash. As a matter of fact, bones have been broken, noses have been busted, careers have been ended due to that move... Hey! Even Vince has forbidden it at some point! That's right, I named the old man, get over it. So, Renee... I am going up against a guy who has been in a few matches, has dazzled people with his aerial techniques and his riskiness... But make no mistake, Justin Gabriel is no Daredevil, hell... He's not even a glorified stuntman! Justin Gabriel is a liar and a coward, one that's idolized by children and teenage girl. Surprised? Allow me to elaborate.
Punk pulled the mic closer to his lips, looking at Renee as if lecturing her.
CM Punk: Behind that "perfect" model-esque physique, behind that baby face, behind the "gracious" technique and amazing high flying skills... Lies the true motive Justin Gabriel uses the 450ª Splash. It's just a matter of connecting two dots. Have you seen Gabriel landing that move? Have you seen how his body collapses onto his opponents, have you seen how many times he has missed the splash? How many times he has injured himself performing so? Yet, he persists... He continues performing that same exact move, regardless of the risk... People acclaim him "OH, BAH GAWD! SOARING THROUGH THE SKYES LIKE A BALD EAGLE WHO JUST SAW A ROADKILL PIE COOLING ON A WINDOW IN TEXAS! THAT DAMNED BASTARD IS A DAREDEVIL". How mistaken.
Renee leaned into the mic now.
Renee Young: I'm afraid I don't follow.
CM Punk: That was Jim Ross. Anyway, Gabriel puts his body on the line every single night, and if you ask him he'd claim he's addicted to risks, he's addicted to stunts... Renee, I can see through the bullshit and there's only one thing Gabriel is addicted to, and that's Painkillers. Yep. Cat's out of the bag. Let's suppose you put a mouse in a box, with a piece of cheese connected to electricity... Everytime the mouse touches the cheese, he gets electrocuted. Eventually, the mouse would cease in his attempts to grab the cheese... The same happens to Justin Gabriel. Of course he is not afraid of leaping from the top turnbuckle and do all sorts of pirouettes, if he misses, he will end up getting a sweet consolation prize, courtesy of our dear head Physician, Hope Clemente. Sorry to burst your bubble but Justin Gabriel is nothing but a slave to his painkiller needs. As for a Strategy, I don't believe I need one... I know my way up on the turnbuckles, and I'm not afraid to take a page from the Late Macho Man Randy Savage's playbook and admit it, unlike some others, and I'm talking to you Mr. Cena "Want Some, Come get some", I hope DDP doesn't give you a discount on his yoga DVDs. As I was saying, I can fly, and I don't do it because I am obsessed with substances that numb my mind... No. I do it because I love giving these people something to believe in, every night I'm out there. Because I have chosen to devote myself to leading mankind by example. I want people to look at me and say "Look at that guy leaping into the air, he's fast, he's strong, he's focused and he's clean, he's better than me and I should aim my puny existence to try and follow his path". It's actually pretty simple, but people somehow haven't been able to get my message. Maybe tonight, after Justin Gabriel flies straight into my knee, people will be one step closer to recognizing me as their savior.
