Storm's a Rumblin'

[Jay]

The scene opened up in the middle of a ring. ‘SWA – Storm Wrestling Academy’ was displayed on the apron. In the middle of the ring sat Lance Storm, reading a book entitled “Sea and Sand – An Exciting Tale about Sand… and Sea”. Apparently noticing a camera focusing on him, Lance put the book down and faced the camera.

Lance Storm: Oh hello, apparently nobody knocks anymore. Never mind, you’re here now.

Lance took a deep breath, then stared his usual deadpan stare into the camera.

Lance Storm: This-

Lance stood up and stretched out his arms.

Lance Storm: Is where the future of wrestling eminates.

Lance began pacing from one side of the ring to the other.

Lance Storm: I believe in the future. I have great faith in it. When it comes to the EBWF, they have nothing to worry about. Their future stars are being tutored by the best within these walls. I, Lance Storm, am invested in feeding this business for years to come. Yes, that’s right Wes, even putting food on your table for the foreseeable future. I love this business, as you can tell, and while I may be getting old – I’m still damn good at what I do. That’s why I lead these seminars and these classes. It not only teaches these kids to be the best damn wrestlers they can be – but it also keeps me sharp. Knowing I can keep up with these guys and girls keeps me polished, confident and most of all sane.

Lance stopped and turned to the camera again.

Lance Storm: But that’s the future. They’ll get their turn. Right now – whether you people like it or not, it’s still about Lance freaking Storm. And for one night only – it’s ALL about me… I’m on my own. There’s been the typical rumblings that me, Chris and Trent will work together to ensure one of our own wins the Rumble. It just so happens that you have to apply common sense to figure out who the final three in that ring will be. There doesn’t need to be any plans, any teaming up or any ulterior motives. Nature will take its course, and the flack will be thrown over the top rope by the rest of the flack. And hopefully, Ikeda will overshoot his super mega jumpy move and clear the opposite turnbuckle, so I don’t have to school him on what proper wrestling is – and how much this old chestnut can still stretch a body to death.

Lance began pacing again.

Lance Storm: CM Punk… A true rebel. A man with only his own best interests at heart. I respect you, kid. You could maybe give me a run for my money in my prime… Unfortunately for you, it’s only a maybe. And also – I’m always in my prime. I can’t wait to listen to your web radio thingy with your friend in a few years so you can bitch about how much I hurt you between those ropes. Of course, I’ll have to buy a computer first.

He took a brief pause.

Lance Storm: Brock… Lesnar… Probably the toughest man in this damn rumble, and if I’m being honest – my one true concern. Your mouthpiece won’t be able to talk you out of this one, however. And I mean it when I say this – it will be a pleasure and an honour to take you on and prove that smarts, determination and pure unmatched skill can vanquish even the most severe of beasts.

He took another pause, and for a moment it looked like his face might have lit up.

Lance Storm: Dolph Ziggler! Well, I think you know where I’m going with this. Lets go cliché! I may have taught you everything you know… Yeah, that’s right Pritchard you couldn’t even teach a suplex… Oh yeah, but I didn’t teach you everything I KNOW! Or… something. You’ll have a hell of a run in that Rumble, Ziggler… But come the end, when your body is as battered as usual, it’ll be a matter of kicking your face over that top rope. And it doesn’t get much simpler than that. Speaking of former pupils – Tyler Breeze! You know these hallowed walls better than most. Now, I may have taught you everything you know... Oh. Well, you’re not gonna thank me for ruining that oh-so-gorgeous face of yours with my boot. Looks like I’m going to be ruining quite a few pretty faces if I even need to. Edge… Adam Rose… Chris Sabin… Wes Ikeda.

His attention was once again focused on the camera.

Lance Storm: They could fill this ring with Bill Goldbergs, Scott Steiners, Bobby Lashleys and every other son of a bitch walking this earth that I can’t stand… I’d still only have eyes for you, old friend. Chris may have worked his magic to get us all packed in at the end of this warfare… But if it’s down to the four of us, I will insist that my two associates take a step back and let me face you one-on-one, one last time. One final humiliation for you, Ikeda. Oh it’ll be my pleasure to ruin your big heroic comeback. Your David vs Goliath times three battle against actual wrestlers. The goliaths who abused certain powers to gain favour in this Rumble, only for you to assert your own authority in an attempt to quell our apparent evil. There’ll be nothing sweeter than exposing the fact that you don’t belong in that ring – MY ring. And when you’re on the floor, tossed out like a rag doll… You can watch the big boys wrestle and show you what really makes the fans keep bankrolling you.

Lance took a seat in the middle of the ring again, picking up his book.

Lance Storm: And as for my brothers, Trent and Christopher… may the best man win.

He returned to his book as the scene faded.