The CoachMAN
Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:55 pm
Renee Young: Joining me at this time is… Oh no. Nope, I am absolutely not doing that. Have we not been through this?
She threw out her arms in disbelief, and into the shot entered Dean Ambrose, who immediately approached Renee and gave her a hug. Renee’s arms remained outstretched, not reciprocating the hug.
Dean Ambrose: There, there. It’s okay, Renee. I know this is all very hard for you – me being back at work these past few months.
Renee eventually broke free of the lovely hug.
Dean Ambrose: I know! You have to see this beautiful face plastered all over the production trucks, the TV shows, the posters. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen! But you shouldn’t let it affect your job performance. We’re gonna have to do this eventually…
Renee turned to off-camera to someone behind the scenes.
Renee Young: I can’t do this, Lynne! I told you I wouldn’t do this!
Dean Ambrose: What are you talking about? In the break-up text I sent you I CLEARLY stated that I wanted us to be as professional as possible. And in your 15th reply I am absolutely SURE you said you’d ‘talk to me again when the time was right’, and again in your 35th text. And what better time than in the build-up to Wrestlemania? Those ‘in the know’ fans will lap this up! It’s good business!
Renee slapped Dean and stormed off, leaving Ambrose and the production crew. Dean turned to the cameraman.
Dean Ambrose: Oh come on, you don’t have Grisham creeping around waiting for something like this to happen? I cut that guy some slack once, I’ll be happy to give him another break.
However, the man to step into the frame was not Todd Grisham. It was a man holding a microphone, but it was not a nervous man. It was a man with a confident look on his face, wearing a prim and proper suit and a certain swagger about him. Dean’s eyes narrowed as they met those of the man about to interview him.
Dean Ambrose: Ahh, Coachman. We finally meet.
Jonathan Coachman cleared his throat and raised his microphone to his lips. He went to speak.
Dean Ambrose: You know these cameras can pick up what we’re saying, right?
Taken aback by the fact that he had already been cut off, Coachman frowned at Ambrose.
Jonathan Coachman: It looks professional, Dean.
Dean Ambrose: Don’t get me STARTED on professionalism today, Coach. It’s been a rough five minutes.
Jonathan Coachman: Listen, I’ve taken a lot of grief from so-called superstars before, Dean. I don’t need to take it from you as well. I am a professional – the best at what I do. I am Jonathan Coachman – and I WILL interview you.
Coachman turned to the camera. Dean looked at Coachman, apparently speechless.
Jonathan Coachman: We are here at the Scottrade Center in St Louis and joining me at this time is a man who will have his hands full with Chris Sabin tonight – Dean Ambrose. Dean, your road to success has been rocky so far. Tonight you face a more than accomplished star in his own right. How are you going to approach this fresh challenge?
Dean Ambrose: I… Uh…
Apparently, Dean was still a little speechless – caught off-guard by the passion of Jonathan Coachman.
Jonathan Coachman: It’s okay, Dean. I understand. Give it time. We can cut this awkward silence out in production.
Ambrose took a few moments to compose himself, and then spoke.
Dean Ambrose: Chris Sabin, huh? Uh…
He looked truly inferior to Coachman right now. He couldn’t even look him in the eye.
Dean Ambrose: Uh… OH WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DID LANCE STORM EVER HAVE THE BALLS TO SUPERKICK YOU? WHO IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU? I’M OUT OF HERE.
Ambrose went to run away, but thought twice and came back. However, he only returned to steal the camera, and took a run in the opposite direction, leaving behind an array of shouting.
The camera turned back on in what appeared to be a bathroom, as toilet cubicles were in shot. The frame steadied as the camera was apparently placed on a surface. Into the shot stepped Dean Ambrose once again, who began pacing backwards and forwards.
Dean Ambrose: Sabin… It’s been a really weird ten minutes. I don’t know what has happened to the world today but it just doesn’t feel right. Here, of all places as well.
He outstretched his arms and slowly turned on the spot.
Dean Ambrose: EBWF land! St Louis. Is this why I’m so uneasy? Everyone, or almost everyone, is on their best behaviour. We’re in the run-up to Wrestlemania… We’re in the EBWF wonderland… Everybody but me seems to be in a suit…
He sniffed the air.
Dean Ambrose: It all smells a little corporate. Even in the bathroom. There’s no escaping it. This just isn’t me, not in the slightest. I’ve never felt so out of place. It’s frustrating… Frustration… Ah!
He stopped and looked down into the camera, a smile on his face.
Dean Ambrose: I’ve just realised what the best relief for such frustration is – wrestling! Ah, the squared circle is my stress ball, Chris. And tonight – you’re my therapist! I’m gonna lay out every problem I have – every issue! And I’m going to lay it out into your face. And trust me Christopher OH trust me, I have a LOT of unsolved issues. And not just of What Car Magazine. This little chat has already made me feel a lot better. I really should just keep hold of one of these cameras… Maybe start filming myself throughout the day… Kind of like a blog, but with video. Huh, a video blog. I’ll call it a vlog! Oh wait who the fuck would waste their lives watching those.
He had started pacing again whilst relaying these thoughts, but apparently came to his senses as he stopped on the spot once again.
Dean Ambrose: Oh, where was I. Yes – Warfare. It’s Wrestlemania season, Sabin! They’re all watching us with microscopes. The fans, the brass – all of them! Their beady eyes focused to the maximum, making sure there’s no screw-ups. Making sure we’re all on our best behaviour… Behaviour… Hmm. Good behaviour doesn’t make for good entertainment…
Dean rushed towards the camera and got his face right up to the lens.
Dean Ambrose: I WILL NOT BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOUR TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER NIGHT! Chris Sabin you had BETTER be watching this so you can see just how EXCITED I am to be on my absolute WORST BEHAVIOUR tonight. And I can’t think of a BETTER place to show off my baddest side than IN THE RING. TONIGHT. WARFARE. ALL EYES ON US. AND ALL EYES ON YOU GETTING TAUGHT A LESSON IN MISBEHAVIOUR. FACE – CANVAS – END.
He suddenly regained composure, backed away from the camera and clicked his neck.
Dean Ambrose: I’ll see you out there, Chris.
As polite as a man can be, he smiled at the camera and went to leave the bathroom. He was blocked, however, by someone entering. The person screamed.
Dean Ambrose: Oh, you again! Hey, this is the LADIES’ bathroom?
The figure pushed past him and turned to the camera. It was Renee Young. She looked absolutely appalled, looked at the camera, and then to Dean.
Dean Ambrose: …ah. Uh, I know this is what you’d expect anybody to say in this situation, but it’s NOT what it looks like…
Renee rushed towards the camera just as Dean had moments prior and shut it off.
She threw out her arms in disbelief, and into the shot entered Dean Ambrose, who immediately approached Renee and gave her a hug. Renee’s arms remained outstretched, not reciprocating the hug.
Dean Ambrose: There, there. It’s okay, Renee. I know this is all very hard for you – me being back at work these past few months.
Renee eventually broke free of the lovely hug.
Dean Ambrose: I know! You have to see this beautiful face plastered all over the production trucks, the TV shows, the posters. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen! But you shouldn’t let it affect your job performance. We’re gonna have to do this eventually…
Renee turned to off-camera to someone behind the scenes.
Renee Young: I can’t do this, Lynne! I told you I wouldn’t do this!
Dean Ambrose: What are you talking about? In the break-up text I sent you I CLEARLY stated that I wanted us to be as professional as possible. And in your 15th reply I am absolutely SURE you said you’d ‘talk to me again when the time was right’, and again in your 35th text. And what better time than in the build-up to Wrestlemania? Those ‘in the know’ fans will lap this up! It’s good business!
Renee slapped Dean and stormed off, leaving Ambrose and the production crew. Dean turned to the cameraman.
Dean Ambrose: Oh come on, you don’t have Grisham creeping around waiting for something like this to happen? I cut that guy some slack once, I’ll be happy to give him another break.
However, the man to step into the frame was not Todd Grisham. It was a man holding a microphone, but it was not a nervous man. It was a man with a confident look on his face, wearing a prim and proper suit and a certain swagger about him. Dean’s eyes narrowed as they met those of the man about to interview him.
Dean Ambrose: Ahh, Coachman. We finally meet.
Jonathan Coachman cleared his throat and raised his microphone to his lips. He went to speak.
Dean Ambrose: You know these cameras can pick up what we’re saying, right?
Taken aback by the fact that he had already been cut off, Coachman frowned at Ambrose.
Jonathan Coachman: It looks professional, Dean.
Dean Ambrose: Don’t get me STARTED on professionalism today, Coach. It’s been a rough five minutes.
Jonathan Coachman: Listen, I’ve taken a lot of grief from so-called superstars before, Dean. I don’t need to take it from you as well. I am a professional – the best at what I do. I am Jonathan Coachman – and I WILL interview you.
Coachman turned to the camera. Dean looked at Coachman, apparently speechless.
Jonathan Coachman: We are here at the Scottrade Center in St Louis and joining me at this time is a man who will have his hands full with Chris Sabin tonight – Dean Ambrose. Dean, your road to success has been rocky so far. Tonight you face a more than accomplished star in his own right. How are you going to approach this fresh challenge?
Dean Ambrose: I… Uh…
Apparently, Dean was still a little speechless – caught off-guard by the passion of Jonathan Coachman.
Jonathan Coachman: It’s okay, Dean. I understand. Give it time. We can cut this awkward silence out in production.
Ambrose took a few moments to compose himself, and then spoke.
Dean Ambrose: Chris Sabin, huh? Uh…
He looked truly inferior to Coachman right now. He couldn’t even look him in the eye.
Dean Ambrose: Uh… OH WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DID LANCE STORM EVER HAVE THE BALLS TO SUPERKICK YOU? WHO IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU? I’M OUT OF HERE.
Ambrose went to run away, but thought twice and came back. However, he only returned to steal the camera, and took a run in the opposite direction, leaving behind an array of shouting.
The camera turned back on in what appeared to be a bathroom, as toilet cubicles were in shot. The frame steadied as the camera was apparently placed on a surface. Into the shot stepped Dean Ambrose once again, who began pacing backwards and forwards.
Dean Ambrose: Sabin… It’s been a really weird ten minutes. I don’t know what has happened to the world today but it just doesn’t feel right. Here, of all places as well.
He outstretched his arms and slowly turned on the spot.
Dean Ambrose: EBWF land! St Louis. Is this why I’m so uneasy? Everyone, or almost everyone, is on their best behaviour. We’re in the run-up to Wrestlemania… We’re in the EBWF wonderland… Everybody but me seems to be in a suit…
He sniffed the air.
Dean Ambrose: It all smells a little corporate. Even in the bathroom. There’s no escaping it. This just isn’t me, not in the slightest. I’ve never felt so out of place. It’s frustrating… Frustration… Ah!
He stopped and looked down into the camera, a smile on his face.
Dean Ambrose: I’ve just realised what the best relief for such frustration is – wrestling! Ah, the squared circle is my stress ball, Chris. And tonight – you’re my therapist! I’m gonna lay out every problem I have – every issue! And I’m going to lay it out into your face. And trust me Christopher OH trust me, I have a LOT of unsolved issues. And not just of What Car Magazine. This little chat has already made me feel a lot better. I really should just keep hold of one of these cameras… Maybe start filming myself throughout the day… Kind of like a blog, but with video. Huh, a video blog. I’ll call it a vlog! Oh wait who the fuck would waste their lives watching those.
He had started pacing again whilst relaying these thoughts, but apparently came to his senses as he stopped on the spot once again.
Dean Ambrose: Oh, where was I. Yes – Warfare. It’s Wrestlemania season, Sabin! They’re all watching us with microscopes. The fans, the brass – all of them! Their beady eyes focused to the maximum, making sure there’s no screw-ups. Making sure we’re all on our best behaviour… Behaviour… Hmm. Good behaviour doesn’t make for good entertainment…
Dean rushed towards the camera and got his face right up to the lens.
Dean Ambrose: I WILL NOT BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOUR TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER NIGHT! Chris Sabin you had BETTER be watching this so you can see just how EXCITED I am to be on my absolute WORST BEHAVIOUR tonight. And I can’t think of a BETTER place to show off my baddest side than IN THE RING. TONIGHT. WARFARE. ALL EYES ON US. AND ALL EYES ON YOU GETTING TAUGHT A LESSON IN MISBEHAVIOUR. FACE – CANVAS – END.
He suddenly regained composure, backed away from the camera and clicked his neck.
Dean Ambrose: I’ll see you out there, Chris.
As polite as a man can be, he smiled at the camera and went to leave the bathroom. He was blocked, however, by someone entering. The person screamed.
Dean Ambrose: Oh, you again! Hey, this is the LADIES’ bathroom?
The figure pushed past him and turned to the camera. It was Renee Young. She looked absolutely appalled, looked at the camera, and then to Dean.
Dean Ambrose: …ah. Uh, I know this is what you’d expect anybody to say in this situation, but it’s NOT what it looks like…
Renee rushed towards the camera just as Dean had moments prior and shut it off.
