Have Benevolence
Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:55 pm
The Fallout pay-per-view had been bitterly disappointing for Wade Barrett and Ryback. After months of waiting for their shot at the Tag Titles, the belts had been vacated, and instead of Barrett and Ryback facing Edge and The Miz - or Edge and Randy Orton - they’d been booked to face the random pairing of CJ Parker and Tyler Breeze instead. It should have been an easy victory for Barrett and Ryback, but against all odds, Parker and Breeze had won the match and become the new champions. Neither Barrett nor Ryback had been booked since, and just as both men had been expecting to spend WrestleMania on the sidelines, they’d been given a shot at redemption. On the last Warfare before Mania, Barrett and Ryback had been booked against EBWF’s newest tag team, The Ascension. The team of the former two nexus superstars was able to capture a win over the Ascension, and earnt a rematch against the current tag champions. Determined to make sure that he and Ryback went into WrestleMania with the right focus, Barrett had suggested a road trip to give him and Ryback a chance to clear their heads. Although sceptical, Ryback had reluctantly agreed to go along. As Barrett drove through Brown County in Western Illinois, they were nearing their destination, but Ryback was getting impatient.
Ryback: What about training? What about nutrition? I think this is a bad time for a trip. They should call you Bad Timing Barrett.
Ryback folded his arms as the camera slowly panned out through the windshield of the car they drove; a funky-looking multi colored Volkswagen van, those that only hippies and nuns drove nowadays.
Ryback: What we should be doing, if you asked me… We should be amping the F up on protein, pumping Iron like there is no tomorrow and punching dead cows clinging from butcher’s hooks in their freezer, and then eating them after we’re done training! I for once don’t know anything about these guys we’re facing, but I know that after a few reps in the weight room I won’t need to.
Wade Barrett: You pumped plenty of iron before Fallout, and look where it got us. We lost to Tyler Breeze and CJ Parker - two guys who aren’t worthy of polishing our boots. We underestimated them and we paid the ultimate price. So before we deal with them again, we need to figure out where we went wrong the first time. I won’t lose to them twice, Ryback. Once was bad enough. We need to get inside their heads - CJ Parker is an environmentalist, so this camping trip will do us good. We can find out more about Parker’s great love.
Ryback gritted his teeth audibly for the camera and the fans. A loud exhalation came afterwards.
Ryback: I guess it is better than going to the hair saloon or whatever Tyler Breeze is into. So… Where are we going? Are there even any environmental spots near Chicago? Damn it, we’re in Chicago and I’m not gonna eat any of their famous hot dogs! You promised we would eat hot dogs after squashing those losers!
Wade Barrett: If we become tag champions, I promise the first thing I’ll do after the show is buy you a hotdog. Ah, here we are - The Merwin Preserve…
Ryback had already forgotten that was exactly what Wade had promissed last week. Barrett tried to drive quickly past the sign for the Merwin Preserve, hoping Ryback wouldn’t notice the name of the location where the Merwin Preserve was based, but for once in his life, the Big Guy was attentive…
Ryback: It better be a hot dog cart because I’m hella hung...SPUNKY BOTTOMS?!?!?!!! HA HA HA! I bet that CJ guy founded this place or whatever! What do you even think they are doing to prepare for our match?
Wade Barrett: Just forget about the name, Ryback! Focus on the scenery. I read about this place, it was a drained farmland and now it’s a thriving wetland, with wildlife in abundance. This is the sort of place CJ Parker would love... Either that or visiting a wasteland - there’s plenty of them in Ilinois!
Ryback: Why would they visit a Wasteland when they can just hop on your shoulders? That’s dumb. Also, this stupid van, is it part of the whole Experience? Don’t tell me we’re going to grow our hair out and not shower in days. I won’t go back to being Skip Sheffield. Spunky Bottoms. Heh.
Wade Barrett: There’ll be no growing our hair - I’d look ridiculous with dreadlocks. Besides, do you even have any hair follicles left? The van is part of the experience, this is supposed to be a camping trip, remember? A chance to see nature in all it’s glory.
Barrett parked the van and looked around at the landscape. Just ahead of them was the Illinois River, and to their left was 110 acres of woodland that had been planted by the Nature Conservancy. By the river, Barrett could see hundreds of ducks, geese and frogs, all enjoying their natural habitat.
Wade Barrett: Come on, Ryback. You can’t deny that this is beautiful.
Ryback could feel his salivary glands working like there was no tomorrow, all those walking, breathing chunks of delicious food.
Ryback: I should have brought my grill. Definitely should have brought my grill! Which reminds me, what are we going to eat?
Wade Barrett: We’ll worry about that later. Let’s enjoy the scenery first, find out more about the work that’s been done here. See if we can use this conservation to figure out what makes CJ Parker tick. Speaking of which - did you remember to apply the tick repellant like I warned you to? There are ticks and mosquitos everywhere.
Ryback: I don’t know if there were already Ticks on that hippie wagon you bought, but I have an itch all over my body!
????: OHHHHHH HAVE BENEVOLENCE!
The soon to be Tag Team Champions and rightful winners of the Slammy of the year for best tag team turned their heads towards the source of the sound. A fat man in his late 50s, clad in funky colored tie dye and with big sunglasses, a crooked, yet warm smile on his face.
Wade Barrett: Mick?
Chap Passion: The name is Chap Passion! I live on this reserve! I saw that sweet, sweet, sweet ride you parked there and I thought I would give you two brothers a funky welcome to our reserve!
Ryback: You got anything to eat?
The familiar looking man strutted towards where both men stood, handing them both flower collars.
Chap Passion: This is a welcome gift! So you become one with nature, one with sweet sexy mamma mother ea… Did you just eat the collar?
Ryback’s face had a couple of petals stuck to his cheeks as he vehemently shook his head.
Wade Barrett: Look, Dude.
Chap Passion: Chap.
Wade Barrett: Yeah, Chap… My friend and I are looking for the right mindset to face our next opponents…
Chap Passion: Woah, dude… You can’t bring your dissonance to Spunky Bottoms… Spunky Bottoms is a place of purity and cleanness!
Ryback did his best to contain his laughter, a chuckle escaped his lips. Chap darted his eyes at Ryback.
Chap Passion: I’m afraid I can’t help you…
Wade Barrett: You know, one of our opponents is really big on taking care of Earth, ecology and all that twaddle, we thought we might learn a thing or two around here…
Ryback: Yeah, the other one is a lovechild between a shaved Monkey, Justin Bieber and Madonna who thinks he’s good looking! While he looks like a total wimp! He doesn't even lift!
Wade Barrett: Ryback, I believe a lovechild can only be the product of a relationship from two people.
Chap Passion: OOOOOHHH HAVE CONDOLENCE! You wouldn’t be saying that if you lived in the 60s! Now, if you two are looking to connect our souls as one, it’s still early and.
Ryback: I told you we would be better off at a hair saloon or something.
Both number one contenders for the titles exchanged a puzzled look.
[Later that evening…]
Ryback and Barrett sat side by side, their feet dunk in hot water as they sat in one of LA’s most luxurious spa’s. Both men sat comfortable on leather chairs with nearly a dozen women taking care of their bodies… Giving them manicures and Pedicures, massages and Facials… Of course, Ryback’s facial had been licked and eaten out little by little by the big guy…
Saloon Girl: This is the third layer of avocado you eat.
Ryback: Can’t you make a non-tasty facial? Hey Wade, are you eating your pickles?
Ryback reached out to grab one of the pickles resting over Barrett’s eyelids, chugging it down on a single motion.
Wade Barrett: I gotta give this to you, big man… You don’t usually have the brightest Ideas, but this was outstanding!
Ryback: HA! HA! HA! What’d I tell you? Now we’ll be ready to squash those losers! They probably spend their whole week in the spa or humping whatever CJ Parker humps these days… We have these guys beat! Is this their training? Is this what they have done to beat us? HA! HA! HA! THEY DON'T EVEN LIFT! HEY... Can I have more avocado?
Saloon Girl: You mean facial?
Ryback: Potatoe, Potato… ROLL CREDITS!
The scene faded to a Selfie taken by both Ryback and Barrett, mocking Tyler Breeze’s duckface.
Ryback: What about training? What about nutrition? I think this is a bad time for a trip. They should call you Bad Timing Barrett.
Ryback folded his arms as the camera slowly panned out through the windshield of the car they drove; a funky-looking multi colored Volkswagen van, those that only hippies and nuns drove nowadays.
Ryback: What we should be doing, if you asked me… We should be amping the F up on protein, pumping Iron like there is no tomorrow and punching dead cows clinging from butcher’s hooks in their freezer, and then eating them after we’re done training! I for once don’t know anything about these guys we’re facing, but I know that after a few reps in the weight room I won’t need to.
Wade Barrett: You pumped plenty of iron before Fallout, and look where it got us. We lost to Tyler Breeze and CJ Parker - two guys who aren’t worthy of polishing our boots. We underestimated them and we paid the ultimate price. So before we deal with them again, we need to figure out where we went wrong the first time. I won’t lose to them twice, Ryback. Once was bad enough. We need to get inside their heads - CJ Parker is an environmentalist, so this camping trip will do us good. We can find out more about Parker’s great love.
Ryback gritted his teeth audibly for the camera and the fans. A loud exhalation came afterwards.
Ryback: I guess it is better than going to the hair saloon or whatever Tyler Breeze is into. So… Where are we going? Are there even any environmental spots near Chicago? Damn it, we’re in Chicago and I’m not gonna eat any of their famous hot dogs! You promised we would eat hot dogs after squashing those losers!
Wade Barrett: If we become tag champions, I promise the first thing I’ll do after the show is buy you a hotdog. Ah, here we are - The Merwin Preserve…
Ryback had already forgotten that was exactly what Wade had promissed last week. Barrett tried to drive quickly past the sign for the Merwin Preserve, hoping Ryback wouldn’t notice the name of the location where the Merwin Preserve was based, but for once in his life, the Big Guy was attentive…
Ryback: It better be a hot dog cart because I’m hella hung...SPUNKY BOTTOMS?!?!?!!! HA HA HA! I bet that CJ guy founded this place or whatever! What do you even think they are doing to prepare for our match?
Wade Barrett: Just forget about the name, Ryback! Focus on the scenery. I read about this place, it was a drained farmland and now it’s a thriving wetland, with wildlife in abundance. This is the sort of place CJ Parker would love... Either that or visiting a wasteland - there’s plenty of them in Ilinois!
Ryback: Why would they visit a Wasteland when they can just hop on your shoulders? That’s dumb. Also, this stupid van, is it part of the whole Experience? Don’t tell me we’re going to grow our hair out and not shower in days. I won’t go back to being Skip Sheffield. Spunky Bottoms. Heh.
Wade Barrett: There’ll be no growing our hair - I’d look ridiculous with dreadlocks. Besides, do you even have any hair follicles left? The van is part of the experience, this is supposed to be a camping trip, remember? A chance to see nature in all it’s glory.
Barrett parked the van and looked around at the landscape. Just ahead of them was the Illinois River, and to their left was 110 acres of woodland that had been planted by the Nature Conservancy. By the river, Barrett could see hundreds of ducks, geese and frogs, all enjoying their natural habitat.
Wade Barrett: Come on, Ryback. You can’t deny that this is beautiful.
Ryback could feel his salivary glands working like there was no tomorrow, all those walking, breathing chunks of delicious food.
Ryback: I should have brought my grill. Definitely should have brought my grill! Which reminds me, what are we going to eat?
Wade Barrett: We’ll worry about that later. Let’s enjoy the scenery first, find out more about the work that’s been done here. See if we can use this conservation to figure out what makes CJ Parker tick. Speaking of which - did you remember to apply the tick repellant like I warned you to? There are ticks and mosquitos everywhere.
Ryback: I don’t know if there were already Ticks on that hippie wagon you bought, but I have an itch all over my body!
????: OHHHHHH HAVE BENEVOLENCE!
The soon to be Tag Team Champions and rightful winners of the Slammy of the year for best tag team turned their heads towards the source of the sound. A fat man in his late 50s, clad in funky colored tie dye and with big sunglasses, a crooked, yet warm smile on his face.
Wade Barrett: Mick?
Chap Passion: The name is Chap Passion! I live on this reserve! I saw that sweet, sweet, sweet ride you parked there and I thought I would give you two brothers a funky welcome to our reserve!
Ryback: You got anything to eat?
The familiar looking man strutted towards where both men stood, handing them both flower collars.
Chap Passion: This is a welcome gift! So you become one with nature, one with sweet sexy mamma mother ea… Did you just eat the collar?
Ryback’s face had a couple of petals stuck to his cheeks as he vehemently shook his head.
Wade Barrett: Look, Dude.
Chap Passion: Chap.
Wade Barrett: Yeah, Chap… My friend and I are looking for the right mindset to face our next opponents…
Chap Passion: Woah, dude… You can’t bring your dissonance to Spunky Bottoms… Spunky Bottoms is a place of purity and cleanness!
Ryback did his best to contain his laughter, a chuckle escaped his lips. Chap darted his eyes at Ryback.
Chap Passion: I’m afraid I can’t help you…
Wade Barrett: You know, one of our opponents is really big on taking care of Earth, ecology and all that twaddle, we thought we might learn a thing or two around here…
Ryback: Yeah, the other one is a lovechild between a shaved Monkey, Justin Bieber and Madonna who thinks he’s good looking! While he looks like a total wimp! He doesn't even lift!
Wade Barrett: Ryback, I believe a lovechild can only be the product of a relationship from two people.
Chap Passion: OOOOOHHH HAVE CONDOLENCE! You wouldn’t be saying that if you lived in the 60s! Now, if you two are looking to connect our souls as one, it’s still early and.
Ryback: I told you we would be better off at a hair saloon or something.
Both number one contenders for the titles exchanged a puzzled look.
Ryback and Barrett sat side by side, their feet dunk in hot water as they sat in one of LA’s most luxurious spa’s. Both men sat comfortable on leather chairs with nearly a dozen women taking care of their bodies… Giving them manicures and Pedicures, massages and Facials… Of course, Ryback’s facial had been licked and eaten out little by little by the big guy…
Saloon Girl: This is the third layer of avocado you eat.
Ryback: Can’t you make a non-tasty facial? Hey Wade, are you eating your pickles?
Ryback reached out to grab one of the pickles resting over Barrett’s eyelids, chugging it down on a single motion.
Wade Barrett: I gotta give this to you, big man… You don’t usually have the brightest Ideas, but this was outstanding!
Ryback: HA! HA! HA! What’d I tell you? Now we’ll be ready to squash those losers! They probably spend their whole week in the spa or humping whatever CJ Parker humps these days… We have these guys beat! Is this their training? Is this what they have done to beat us? HA! HA! HA! THEY DON'T EVEN LIFT! HEY... Can I have more avocado?
Saloon Girl: You mean facial?
Ryback: Potatoe, Potato… ROLL CREDITS!
The scene faded to a Selfie taken by both Ryback and Barrett, mocking Tyler Breeze’s duckface.