“Gimme a call next time you’re in Vegas. I know good chicken, drinking and strip joints. It doesn’t have much more to offer.”

The door of an important looking office closed and Dean Ambrose stood in front of it.

Dean Ambrose: How long you been stood there?

Initially greeted by a camera, he aimed his question at Todd Grisham who jumped, asif he had briefly nodded off.

Todd Grisham: Oh I dunno… I really don’t. I tend to lose sense of time when I come to work nowadays…

Dean shot him a look of sympathy.

Dean Ambrose: They all still want Renee, huh?

Todd nodded, looking both dejected and tired.

Todd Grisham: I’ve been here since 7 this morning, just in case anyone came in early.

Dean Ambrose: And did anyone?

Todd Grisham: Only Wes. And I’m not entirely sure he knows I work here.

Dean patted him on the back.

Dean Ambrose: Wanna go remind him?

Todd’s precious little face lit up.

Dean Ambrose: Come on lil buddy!

He headed off down the corridor and Todd nodded and beckoned the cameraman excitedly.


-Later that day-

Planet Earth was in shot, and the camera zoomed out to reveal Dean Ambrose stood beneath a sign and the model of Earth which revealed their location – Phoenix Zoo.

Dean Ambrose: Today, boys and girls, we are at the zoo! I am joined by my good friend Todd Grisham.

He waved towards the camera and Todd skipped into shot, microphone in hand.

Dean Ambrose: And we are here today because…

He frowned then looked at Todd.

Todd Grisham: Good question!... Dean, why are we here?

Dean shrugged.

Dean Ambrose: I had a browse through Phoenix’s Wikipedia and saw they had a zoo. Thought it might be fun. Plus, your cameraman will literally do anything you tell him, hence him driving here. Watch – Frank, throw your shoe at that young man wearing the trilby!

The camera shook, suggesting movement. A shoe flew into shot, connecting with the young man’s head and knocking off his hat.

Dean Ambrose: Fucking hipsters.

Once he realised what had happened, the man made a move towards the camera. Dean cut him off.

Dean Ambrose: He was aiming for Todd Grisham, look.

He pointed at Todd. The hipster look at Todd shrugged, seeing that this made sense. He walked off.

Dean Ambrose: And stop wearing stupid hat! And Mumford and Sons are fucking terrible!

The man didn’t dear retaliate towards Dean and continued walking.

Dean Ambrose: Anyway, we’re here at the zoo and tonight I face Stardust. Let’s see if we can connect the two!


- Some time later -

Dean and Todd were situated in front of a gorilla enclosure. A gorilla was sat in-between them but behind the cage. He was picking his nose.

Dean Ambrose: Well, that looks like the life doesn’t it? Hey gorilla-man, there a bar in Monkey Village?

The gorilla paid him no notice.

Todd Grisham: So, Dean. Tonight you face off one-on-one against Stardust… Your thoughts?

Dean Ambrose: Christ that’s terrible, Todd. But nevermind. Yes, I’m back in action tonight and I face the man believed to be Cody Rhodes. But he denies that – and they have separate tweeter accounts – so who am I to argue? Here sits a great ancestor of ours, Todd – the mighty gorilla. Over many moons, gorilla has evolved to become man – so it is believed. Man is diverse, my friend… And Stardust is proof of that.

Dean looked taken aback for a moment.

Dean Ambrose: Fuck, I’m actually kind of intelligent. Yeah, uh. Some crazy shit must have happened over the years for us to get from this to Stardust. The man is out there, y’know… kind of cooky. And I am NO ADVOCATE OF THAT, TODD.

He glared at Todd with fierce intensity. Todd looked shocked.

Todd Grisham: I would never suggest that of you, Dean! You’re my friend! … Perhaps my only friend…

Todd’s face went from shock to misery.

Dean Ambrose: Stardust thinks he can make a living through being all crazy. Well, Mr Dust – I make a living through winning wrestling matches! How do you like that!

Dean shook his head.

Dean Ambrose: Okay, maybe I suck. NEXT.


- Some more time later… -

This time, Todd and Dean were stood in front of a glass panel. Dean waved the camera over to peer beyond the glass. There was a vast field, with a pride of lions at the centre. The camera returned back to focusing on Todd and Dean.

Todd Grisham: So…

Dean Ambrose: I AM BRAVE LIKE A LION.

There was an awkward silence, broken what felt like minutes later by Todd.

Todd Grisham: ….anything else?


- About an hour later –

The scene re-opened with Todd and an excited Dean walking past a sign reading ‘Children’s Trail’.

Dean Ambrose: They actually let you go near them!

Dean ran off into the distance, leaving Todd and the cameraman to follow in his wake. They finally caught up to him holding a Caracal – a large cat. Todd took his position next to him.

Todd Grisham: So, how is a large cat going to inspire your victory tonight?

Dean Ambrose: Have you SEEN THE SIZE OF IT! It’s so cool!

Todd Grisham: Actually, I don’t think you’re meant to pick them up… Wait…

They were actually within an enclosure. A group of children, with some concerned looking parents, had stopped to watch. Dean turned to them and looked surprised for a moment, then smiled.

Dean Ambrose: It’s okay, Todd. I’m used to being in front of crowds! Listen, kids – pets can be fun. But don’t get giant ones, because your Mommy’s and Daddy’s are the ones who have to pick up their poopy!

Some of the children giggled while the others shouted ‘eww!’

Dean Ambrose: I know, kids – poop is gross. D’you know what else is gross? Professional wrestler Stardust! Let’s hear those ‘eww’s again!

The children united in one big ‘eww’.

Dean Ambrose: That’s right. Now, everyone – I want you to get your parents to set your DVRs to record EBWF Warfare tonight. And don’t worry, parents – I’m gonna keep it PG tonight. You can sit with your little ones and watch me sensibly defeat Stardust tonight. And kids – when you watch, think of Stardust as the bullies at school or the mean old lunchladies who shout at you in the lunch hall – and me? I am your hero! And you can take down those bullies and lunchladies just like I take down Stardust tonight! Just remember to FaceDeath! Now lets hear you all – Ambrose! Ambrose! Ambrose!

The kids all started chanting “Ambrose!” while their parents all looked horrified. Startled by all the noise, the caracal hissed and scratched Dean’s face, drawing blood immediately. It jumped down and ran off. Dean did the same but in another direction.

Dean Ambrose: I can’t let the little ones see blood!

He ran towards the exit and through the gate. In response to the blood, a faint one-child ‘ECW’ chant could be heard.


- Even MORE time later –

Dean was still pacing around the zoo, being followed by an exhausted Todd Grisham.

Todd Grisham: How long do we have to keep on going for!? Can’t we just go back to the arena! You’ve kind of talked about Stardust and kind of related him to things…

He was panting.

Todd Grisham: Lets…just…

Dean Ambrose: Holy mother of God.

Dean came to a halt, with Todd doing so by his side, his arms on his knees, panting towards the ground. The camera was behind the two of them. Dean turned around with a look of amazement on his face and took a step to one side. Inbetween the two, in it’s own enclosure, was a peacock.

Dean Ambrose: A glorious peacock.

He stared in adulation at the glorious peacock. It’s colours were mainly purple, with hints of yellow within the patterns.

Dean Ambrose: It’s beautiful.

Todd looked up.

Todd Grisham: Hey, it’s colours are similar to Stardust’s.

Dean turned to Todd, and his face turned from sheer delight to absolute horror.

Dean Ambrose: No… NO!

He turned to the damned peacock.

Dean Ambrose: You! You are who I was sent here to confront! You are the animal kingdom’s embodiment of Stardust, aren’t you?!

The peacock had turned to Dean, and stared at him.

Dean Ambrose: Those eyes… That knowing look… You! I must cut… promo…

He turned to the camera.

Dean Ambrose: Wait, cut that bit out in production. I hate wrestling terms. But…

He turned back to the peacock.

Dean Ambrose: You! Tonight, I will take your master down. You colourful fools – you seek to draw in the attention of the fans whilst bamboozling your opponents… Well not Dean Ambrose. Tonight, I wipe the grin off Stardust’s face. I take the spring out of his step and put an end to his riddling foolishness once and for all. YOU!

He pointed at the bird.

Dean Ambrose: You can sit there all proud and confident, but you know deep down that I will be the one to bring an end to the colour. The world of professional wrestling needs only denim and white vests. The adoring fans don’t come to see a spectacle of colour – the come to see a fight. And a fight is what I’ll give Stardust tonight.

He said the final line whilst still pointing at the peacock, but looking directly into the camera. Todd looked speechless. After an intense staredown with the camera, Dean turned to Todd.

Dean Ambrose: You were absolutely useless. But hey, job done-

“Sir! Excuse me, sir! You! The one who got into the Children’s Trail enclosure!”

Dean turned to the cameraman.

Dean Ambrose: COME ON!

And he sprinted off into the distance, Todd following him as best he could.

This was hilarious, Jay. Ambrose is one crazy mofo.

I loved this!