Vote for Syxx!

[Benjamin]

**A PEAK BEHIND THE CURTAIN**

The scene opened in Syxx’s locker room at Banker’s Life Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, Indiana. His locker room was a little bigger than usual and it seemed to look a bit like a construction site. His trademark throne-like chair was set off to the side from it’s usual position at the front of the locker room and it looked like the EBWF ring crew was constructing a stage and a podium of sorts. Syxx was sitting comfortably on his chair ordering the crew which included his valet Symphony and his silent bodyguard Seven. Symphony was wearing tight black yogo pants and a sleeveless, low cut House Syxx shirt while she held a lawn sign that read “Lord Syxx for Intercontiental Champion ‘16” on it.

Symphony: Where do you want this?

Syxx: Umm, over there.

Syxx points to the left and Symphony walks over and puts the sign on the left side of the stage.

Syxx: Wait, on second thought why don’t you put it over there.

Syxx gestures to the right and then Symphony looking annoyed picked the sign up again and repositioned the sign on the right hand side of the stage.

Syxx: Actually the sign is going outside of our locker room. Like we’re putting it on our front lawn.

Symphony then picks the sign up and began to walk outside of the locker room only to swing her head back around and catch Syxx staring at her ass.

Symphony: Damnit Sean, you’re lucky I really need this job!

Syxx: No Alicia, I’m the one who’s lucky.

Symphony gave a loud sigh and then continued to work, Syxx then motioned for Seven to come near.

Syxx: Kev! What up mang?

Seven: Let me guess. I stand next to you, don’t say a word, and look real tough?

Syxx: Well duh, but first I need to send you to make up.

Seven: I am perfectly capable of doing my own guyliner.

Syxx: I’m not talking about guyliner, we’re going to get your some corpse paint.

Seven: What? Are you off your rocker?

Syxx: Is that an age joke? Really? You know I’ve only got 5 years on you right.

Seven: Seriously though, corpse paint?

Syxx: Yes, you’re representing Europe. They love black metal in Europe hence the corpse paint. I am trying to be Intercontinental champion so that means I have to represent all seven continents.

Seven: Tell me you’ve got something equally as ridiculous for Alicia.

Syxx went to his right and found his gym bag, out of it he pulls a round gold hat that comes to a point.

Syxx: My son Jesse was Rayden from Mortal Kombat for Halloween 15 years ago. I am going to give this to Alicia so she can represent China or Japan or wherever the fuck stuff like this comes from. Somewhere in Asia I guess.

Seven: So what continent will you be representing?

Syxx: ‘MURICA!

Seven: You mean North America?

Syxx: Hell no, just ‘Murica! Plus my opponents tonight are from Canada and Mexico respectively, I can’t be giving those countries any undeserved credit.

Seven: Bret Hart is from Canada, Shane Helms is from North Carolina.

Syxx: The Hurricane!? I thought all masked luchadors were from Mexico.

Seven: He’s American.

Syxx: An American who wears a mask? WHASSUPWITDAT!?

Seven: He doesn’t wear a mask Sean.

Syxx: What? Really?

Seven: He hasn’t for quite a few years.

Syxx: You mean to tell me that he has that hilarious Hurricane gimmick in his back pocket and he just so chooses to be plain ass Shane Helms?

Seven: Correct. Follow the product boss.

Syxx: Too much work.

Seven: So let me get this straight. I’m wearing corpse paint to represent Europe, Alicia’s a china doll to represent Asia, and you’re just plain ass ‘Murican Syxx.

Syxx: Correct, follow the script monkey.

Seven: That’s borderline racist.

Syxx: Have you seen Donald Trump’s poll numbers? Racism is in, just go with it!

Seven shook his head and walked away. Shortly thereafter one of the EBWF agents wearing a headset and holding a clipboard approaches Syxx with a concerned look on his face.

EBWF Producer: Alright, so what is the plan here?

Syxx: I’m going to be on the stage podium and we’re going to let fans ask me questions.

EBWF Producer: Have you screened these fans?

Syxx: Screened them? Stop being so PC bro!

Just then Symphony approached Syxx again holding the Rayden hat and looking highly annoyed.

Symphony: What the hell is this!? What am I supposed to do with this!?

Syxx: The usual rotation of long solemn silences and rude comments.

Symphony: I so don’t do that.

Syxx: I’ve got you in a box don’t I?

Symphony: What?

Syxx: Deadpool? No? Damn Alicia you haven’t lived.

Symphony: You know we’re on in 20 minutes right? I’m glad this is all so hilarious to you.

Syxx: Life is hilarious to me. We pop out of a vagina, we spend most of our time trying to get inside another vagina, and then we die! What’s more hilarious than that!?

Symphony: I don’t know why I try.

EBWF Producer: Alright places everyone, we need to go over a few things before doing this live.

Syxx: Ha, yeah right. Everyone ignore that. Lord Syxx decrees that practice is for losers. I’m Allen Iverson bitch.

**LIVE IN 3...2...1…**

Renee Young was walking down the hallway backstage periodically peeking behind her shoulder to make sure her camera crew was closely in tow. She stopped right in front of House Syxx’s locker room and paused for a second so the cameraman could zoom in on the “Lord Syxx for Intercontinental Champion ‘16” sign. The camera then refocused on Renee and started to roll.

Renee Young: Ladies and gentlemen I am standing here outside of Lord Syxx’s locker room. Rumor has it that Syxx is campaigning heavily to be elected the Intercontinental Champion of the EBWF. Several obstacles have been placed in front of the self styled Lord of the Seven Continents and none more pressing than his match tonight for the number one contendership of said Intercontinental championship between him and the returning legends Bret Hart and Shane Helms. We now go inside the conference room for a live look-in on his campaign.

Renee opened the door and inside Syxx’s locker room had been converted into somewhat of a conference room with a little twist. The throne-like chair was still present but set up on a stage with a podium placed directly in front of it. Syxx remained seated comfortable wearing a black button up dress shirt that just so happened to be buttoned down exposing his white undershirt and not tucked into his beltless black track pants. Symphony was standing directly to his left wearing her Rayden china had and Seven directly to his right wearing corpse paint with his normal gothic druid-like attire.

Symphony: Lords and ladies of the seven continents I now present you Lord Syxx of House Syxx, first of his name, lord of the seven continents. If it please my lord I will now open the floor up to the public.

Fan 1: Hey Syxx, big fan here.

Symphony: Lord Syxx.

Fan 1: My apologies, Lord Syxx. How do you feel you would represent an upgrade over Chris Jericho as Intercontinental champion.

Syxx: I’m not Canadian. Next question.

Fan 2: Alright now, check it. Like, as Intercontinental champion what would you do to help the poor and the needy?

Syxx: I was hoping you would ask that. I have amassed a global partnership with the realms of Taco Bell and Jiffy Lube and will gladly bestow a job application upon all those in need.

Fan 2: No, like, get this. I hear Kanye is 53 million in debt. Are you going to, like, help a brotha out?

Syxx: I’ve got just the job for him. There is a pay per view coming up soon called WrestleMania, I trust he has heard of it. Chances are I’ll be a little bit busy on that day but if the “wordsmithing creative genius” really needs the money I could arrange a match with him and my hand Seven. Just don’t be surprised when “the voice of a generation” gets his ass kicked and we shove fishsticks down his throat.

Fan 3: What are your thoughts on Shane Helms and Bret Hart coming out of retirement to face you on Warfare?

Syxx: I’m thinking AARP is in need of some serious reform. Not only am I hanging around but now the geriatric Hit Man and high blood-sugar Shane? What are we going to do? Chase each other around the ring in wheelchairs and throw our dentures at each other? Shane Helms has been away for too long for anyone to care anymore and Bret Hart was past his prime 20 years ago. Remember that it was me knocking Bret Hart out of the King of the Ring tournament years ago that essentially derailed his comeback and sent him packing what we thought was for good. Something Bret said to me a few years ago will always stick with me. He said that he knows that I am good enough to be a champion but my selflessness is what caused the world title to elude me for so many years and I want Bret Hart to know that I have taken that to heart, no pun intended. The man I have become in the years following Bret Hart’s departure is a selfish, cold, heartless man but although I have come close, I still have yet to become champion. I understand title matches aren’t handed out on a silver platter so I realize that the quickest path to becoming world champion is to get in Chris Jericho’s head. Now what better way to get into Chris Jericho’s head than defeating him for the Intercontinental championship? When I take that Intercontinental title from him he will realize that despite him still being world champion, he is not the TRUE champion in the EBWF. The realization of such will be so painful that he will have no choice but to challenge me title for title if he is able to make it through WrestleMania, and that is a big if. Don’t take this the wrong way, I am not selling either man short. Bret Hart and I have had timeless matches, and there are very, VERY few people in this business that I respect more than him, but I’m not like I was anymore Bret. I’m selfish. I don’t give any more, I take what is mine. And, uh, what was the line? I’m not letting anyone ruin my comeback, even if I have to ruin theirs. Now on to Sugar Shane. What a shining beacon of mediocrity his career has been. His accolades really mirror my own in a way. He could never really get past the hump of being Intercontinental champion, much like myself. The difference between him and I is that he has always been and will always be too much of a goody-two-shoes to ever take the next step in the business. This is a cut throat industry and it really isn’t cut out for people like him. Too bad it appears that all of his Hurri-powers have dried up, because it will take a supernatural force for him to defeat me tonight on Warfare. He’s not in my league, never has been and never will be. He’s another on the short list of veterans I deeply respect, but respect and 50 cents won’t even buy you a cup of coffee in this economy. You need something more in this business, you need that it factor and you need that killer instinct. I have absolutely zero reason to believe that we’ll see anything but the “same old Shane” come tonight on Warfare.

Fan 3: Um...thank you.

Symphony: Thank you my lord!

Fan 3: Thank you my lord.

Syxx: Next!

Fan 4: Now that Cercei Lannister has been safely returned to the Red Keep do you think it’s time the iron throne orders the return of Margeary Tyrell? I know the two queens have never seen eye to eye but to me I think it’s important that the throne send a message to the faith that they are not in charge of the seven kingdoms.

Syxx: What the fuck is he talking about? Next!

Fan 5: Do you disrespected at all that the Bullet Club in New Japan have stolen so many of DX and the nWo’s catch phrases and imagery?

Syxx: My nephew Cody is over there holding it down for me. It is a tribute, not an act of disrespect. The Bullet Club is too sweet. Next!

Fan 6: As Intercontinental champion how will you help restore the prestige to an oft forgotten title?

Syxx: That is like asking a sweater how it plans to keep someone warm. The answer is self evident. I am better than Chris Jericho and therefore the title becomes more prestigious. Next stupid question.

Fan 7: Does New Day rock?

Syxx: Uhh...I’m not sure I am supposed to answer that question.

Fan 7: Because they work for another company?

Syxx: No, because of course New Day rocks! With all the talent poaching we do it’s a travesty we haven’t gotten around to stealing them. Next idiotic question!

Fan 8: What happens if you lose this match with Shane Helms and Bret Hart? How many times can you go back to the drawing board without coming to the realization that you may not be championship material?

Syxx: Excuse me? How much did they pay you to say that? Next down syndrome infested question!

Fan 9: Hey Syxx can I get an autograph?

Syxx: No.

Fan 9: Why?

Syxx: Because fuck you, that’s why! I’m just kidding. Seven grab this guy a t-shirt. Next science damn question!

Matt Striker: Hey there Syxx Matt Striker here, I’m just wondering what your strategy may be going against two seasoned veterans the caliber of Bret Hart and Shane Helms!

Syxx: Oh great...you again? How are you still employed?

Matt Striker: This is not about me, it’s about you.

Syxx: Right answer.

Matt Striker: Your strategy sir?

Syxx: Well I’ve done some preparing to prepare for some preparations to make sure I am prepared. After that I am going to wrestle and they are going to wrestle and hopefully I can wrestle a little bit better than they wrestle. Happy now?

Matt Striker: Well no…

Syxx: Good. Alright, enough stupid questions. Vote for Lord Syxx for the #1 contendership for the Intercontinental champion! Well, truth be told it really doesn’t matter if you vote or not because at the end of the day your vote doesn’t count. But you know who does count? The referee, and he is going to count to three as I have Bret Hart or Shane Helms’ shoulders pinned to the mat. See what I did there? I’m so clever. It must be awesome for you all to be in the presence of someone as clever as you are? Right so, catch phrases, catch phrases, suck it, ass is grass, fuck you, bye.

Syxx got up out of his chair and walked away.

Symphony: There will be no further questions at this time.

The scene fades.

[Dotty]

You mean to tell me that he has that hilarious Hurricane gimmick in his back pocket and he just so chooses to be plain ass Shane Helms?

That really made me laugh!

[Benjamin]

Thank you! The lolz is what I strive for!

[Ben M]

I enjoyed the digs at Trump :)

[Benjamin]

He is making the rest of the world happy they don't live in 'Murica lol.