Gold around my Waist

[Ashlee]

Saturday night before the Royal Rumble and EBWF was broadcasting live from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The crowd was eager to begin the Road to Wrestlemania, and because of the special occasion the house show was emanating all over the world.

Corey Graves: We’ve had one hell of a show tonight!

Joey Styles: Yes, we have! Are you ready to Rumble, Corey?

Corey Graves: I could have been on Bourbon Street tonight, but I’m sitting here with you, Joey!

Joey Styles: Aren’t you lucky?

“F-A-B-U-L-O-U-Eeeehhhssss”

Corey Graves: Oh, here we go…

The crowd was on their feet as Carmella strutted onto the stage and did the moonwalk.

Carmella: My name is, Carmella.

The fans were already chanting “How you doin’?” and she Staten Island Princess was beaming.

Carmella: Are you ready? ‘Cuz EBWF is about to get fab-

Carmella dipped down, swinging her hips on every syllable.

Carmella: -u-lous. I am the moon walkin’, smack talkin’ chick, always ready to go. So grab your popcorn, I’m about to put on a show. Bada Bing… hottest chick in the ring…

It was at this point Carmella popped up onto the ring apron and hung off the top rope, winking as she did.

Carmella: How you doin’?

The crowd replied with more “How you doin’?” chants, and Carmella bounced into the ring, answering them.

Carmella: Oh, I’m fabulous.

That drew a pop, and Carmella grinned.

Carmella: And I gotta say, I thank you for asking, because it would be real, real easy for me to be a little down in the dumps. You see, tomorrow night, live from New Orleans we’re going to have the ten woman Royal Rumble to see which one of the ladies in the locker room is going to go on to face the women’s champion at Wrestlemania.

Another pop at the mention of the grandest stage of them all.

Carmella: Now, I know I ain’t been here for long, but I also know that the opportunities don’t get much bigger than this. So you see, I have every reason to be worried or scared. But I’m not. No, no… you see. I ain’t scared, because I’m sad! I’m sad that the competition in this so called battle is a bunch of prissy drama queens and useta bes.

The crowd oohed and ahhed at the insult and Carmella flipped her hair.

Carmella: Nine other women are getting into the ring, and nine other women are going to the outside. You all saw who drew the short straw didn’t you? That no talent, no class hack Eva Marie. Seems little miss attitude is going to try to put her big girl pants on and come out here for a fight, but we all know it’s every woman for herself and Eva Marie don’t have nothin’ but a few backstabbing friends. Now, I of course, had the good luck to draw number 9, so I can probably count on all the other sad, sorry cases ahead of me to at least get rid of the Eva Marie. If they can’t do that, what are the good for anyway?

You read down the list of ladies in the Rumble, and it’a who’s who of women who are either hot but can’t wrestle or who think they can wrestle but aren’t hot. I mean, at least with Carmella you get the total package. Not with a no name nobody. Let’s see, there’s a few of those in this match. Women like… Daizee Haze.

Crowd: How you doin’?

Carmella: Brooke Tessmacher.

Crowd: How you doin’?

Carmella: Blue Pants.

Crowd: How you doin’?

Carmella: Summer Rae.

Crowd: How you doin’?

Carmella: Aight. Aight. I mean I guess the mean bitch has done a few things in her day around here, but if you ask me she’s all talk. It ain’t braggin’ if you can back it up, and without Sasha Banks, Summer Rae ain’t nothin. We all know it. Seems Summer hasn’t gotten the message. Maybe we need to send it via Snapchat.

Carmella pretended to drop the mic, and chuckled when the crowd cheered her.

Carmella: Our former women’s champion Alexa Bliss makes a triumphant return to the ring tonight to get her ass beat by women who are far better and much more talented than she is. Life isn’t as blissful when you prove to the world that your championship reign was a fluke, is it? It’ll be over my dead body before the Harley Quinn looking imposter gets her hands on a Women’s Championship shot at Wrestlemania. This show is going to be huge! Wrestlemania 16, live from Orlando, Florida, and what it needs is the Princess of Staten Island to liven up the place. I mean we can’t trot out all these old dusty pieces of furniture for the biggest show of the year can we? Can we Trish Stratus? Can we Velvet Sky?

The crowd turned on Carmella a bit, booing her references.

Carmella: Now, now don’t shoot the messenger. I don’t want to be right. I really don’t. I’m as big a Trish Stratus fan as the next girl. Velvet Sky ain’t Babe of the Year, year after year, for nothin. But they don’t have anything new to show you. Those ladies get in the ring and it’s like you’re seeing reruns of Warfare from five years ago. They need to know when to hang it up. They need to know when there’s someone better than them. They say imitation is the best form of flattery. I’m going to imitate Trish Stratus until every woman on this roster is bowing to me, and I’ve worked my way to a Royal Rumble victory. I’m going to imitate Velvet Sky until when I say “bada bing, hottest check in the ring” the whole world knows that I own that title. I own that crowd. Trish and Velvet will both go right over the top rope. And then I’ll show them how to be flattered. But you know which copycat I ain’t particularly feeling?

Carmella looked into the camera. Her face turned sour.

Carmella: That’s going to be you, Lil’ Ms. Gionna Daddio. I bet you’re really proud of yourself, huh hun? You should do us all a favor and reinvent yourself, because Jersey isn’t a gimmick little girl. It’s a lifestyle. It’s my livelihood, and if you want to make fun of who I am or where I come from, you can betcha ass that I’m going to throw you out of the ring with everyone else. That smack talk, no matter how good, is only going to get you so far. You can show off all your Jordans on Twitter, but honey, if you don’t understand that you occasionally got to kick someone’s ass in those cool kicks, then those shoes aren’t worth a damn. If you’d rather have flashy things instead of wins in the ring, then you do you. Tomorrow night in New Orleans I’m going to prove to you and all the other ladies in the back that I ain’t playin; witchu. I’m going to Wrestlemania where I fully intend to add some gold to my chains.

‘Fabulous’ played again and Carmella dropped the mic. She strutted up the ramp, hitting the moonwalk on the stage again before leaving a pumped up house show crowd.