High Flyin' Low Lifin'

[Juan Ramirez]

OOC: Good luck Ben and Sam!

The scene opened up inside what looked like a locker room, a dumbfounded Renee Young looked around. A gigantic stereo was blasting music very loudly. Sitting on a leopard printed couch, one half of the most lit tag team ever to grace an EBW ring sat comfortably, playing on his brand new PS4 pro on a 60 Inch curved LED TV screen. Not too far away from him, the other half of said team was riding massive waves on top of a leopard printed Jet Ski which floated in a big rubber pool. It wasn’t even running. It was just sitting in the pool. The moment Trentylocks realized they had a visitor, he paused his video game and turned the volume down. He stood up… Already clad in his usual ring attire, and an expensive looking leather jacket over his naked torso.

Trent: Please come in Renee!

He reached into the pocket of his jacket to pull out a rose gold Rolex wristwatch with studded diamonds all over it.

Trent: Here’s a little something from the two flyest G’s in this company… Thanks for all you do for us. Asking questions can’t be easy… It must be extremely boring, especially when you have to interview lame-os like Strowman and Jimmy Havoc all the time… So, in order to celebrate Enzo and Myself’s current momentum in EBWF we have planned a Once in a lifetime evening for everyone in attendance… “Rock: This is your life” Will look like “The Marine 5” next to what we’re planning… Forget about the festival of friendship, if there ever was one… Tonight we’re setting the roof of this stinkhole on fire… Where are we again?

As Trent spoke, he reached out for the blonde girl’s wrist, to put the watch around it.

Trent: Rhetorical question. Enjoy!

Renee tried to pull her arm back, but Trent managed to grasp it just in time. He held it awkwardly with two fingers, as if he’d never held a women’s wrist delicately before. He fasted the Rolex on her wrist, which was already decorated with a silvery band. The rose gold completely clashed with her entire outfit, but these things happen when you wear a lot of money on your wrist. Out of nowhere, two high pitched “beep beeps” echoed within the room, causing both Renee and Trent to jump slightly.

Enzo Amore: HONK TWICE IF YOU LIKE THAT!

Enzo was also wearing a matching leather jacket similar to Trent’s in design but of course in zebra print. He wore a 36 inch gold chain around his neck that fell all the way down his torso, with a microphone ornament encrusted with diamonds at the end. He had a momentary struggle sliding off the large jetski in the kiddy pool, but finally made it off and had gone to stand beside Trent and Renee.

Enzo Amore: This heavy ass chain has me off balance, bro. Remind me to see the chiropractor after our match tonight, Renee.

Renee looked insulted of course.

Renee Young: Okay, just because you give me a Rolex doesn’t mean you get to just tell me what to do-

Enzo Amore: ON YOUR NEW IPAD MINI!

Enzo pulled an iPad mini out from one of the pockets on his jacket. They were pretty deep pockets. Because all the money Enzo and Trent had just come over burned a hole in them. He handed the device to Renee, who now showed a little bit of interest. She had to shake her wrist to allow her shiny Rolex to adjust on her arm before taking the iPad.

Enzo Amore: LOOK AT THE FLICK OF THE WRIST!

Trent: Please take your time to note down on that iPad how Enzo and myself, despite not even having come up with a name for our fresh alliance. Do we even need one? I mean, we’re amazing in the ring… We are killin’ it week in and week out… Now we’re going to make Ric Flair look like a local wrestler. Tonight we have got it all Renee… Actual money flying down from the rafters during our entrance, pyros that would make Kane blush… You name it, we got it… Tonight is our night!

Enzo Amore: If I could get away with it, I would have walked down that ramp with a tiger on a leash, Scott Steiner Style. But we can’t do that, legal reasons. So what we will do is have a lot of tiger sound effects in our entrance.

Trent: If we can’t come out with two sexy tigers on leashes… Mine in White of course; then we might end up the match walking up the ramp with a big ass bearded Elephant on a leash. That’s right, I just said we’d make Braun Strowman our bitch! Braun… Scary big ass dude, sure. Why is he even named after an electric toothbrush? I seriously doubt he has been anywhere near a girl’s nether regions.

Trent shrugged.

Renee Young: Do you even have an entrance to have all of these… “effects” in?

Trent: We damn do. And the actual artists are on the way to the arena to perform our entrance theme live. As you can see, we are not taking any shortcuts, we’re living large. Lobster Omelets with sprinkled caviar on top… You know, the usual.

Enzo Amore: And Lobster Omelets are nasty, but that don’t stop us from doing it big. You either go all the way or go nowhere. We ain’t about that low-life. Our opponents clearly don’t know about that, seeing as we could use their faces to scrub toilet bowls clean of whatever sits under diarrhea.

Trent: Let me ask you something, brother… Er, Renee. Do you think Hulk Hogan sold out Arenas by having Cheerios for breakfast? Macho Man did not turn into one of the all time greats by having Slim Jims for breakfast! Lobster Omelets. What do Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman have for breakfast? I bet they just chase an alley cat, shave it, have their way with it and then drink it’s blood; In that exact order.

Enzo Amore: Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman were the inspiration behind that scene in Ratatouille where all the rats are living underground, sleeping and eating garbage. You are what you eat, Renee. And Trent and I? We’re GOLD!

Trent: And animal print.

Enzo Amore: Tonight we’ll throw some leather in our diet too, after we get our straps. After beating those two heifers Jimbo and Bowlegs, we are gonna strip them clean of everything they claim they are worth. Which ain’t much.

Renee: Enzo… Regarding tonight’s mat…

Trent reached out for a massive bag of swiss chocolates, handing them to Renee.

Trent: These were meant for Cesaro, but he’s nowhere to be seen. So have at them, once we finish making our point you get to ask your next question. Where were we? Oh yeah! Our chump contenders! Who have they beaten? Who did they even beat for the straps?

Enzo Amore: UNIMPORTANT. Because we’re about to beat them for the straps. Ain’t that right, Trent?

Renee Young: Guys… That’s not-

Trent: Right! Right! There’s one thing though… I was just browsing through EBWF.net on my brand new 128 GB Iphone 7 with studded diamonds on it… And I found out Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman beat Jimmy Havoc and Baron Corbin, and Jimmy Havoc and Seth Rollins before them… Now, Jimmy Havoc has been wrestling himself… A LOT.

Trent shot a disgusted look at Enzo Amore.

Trent: Now, while the mental image of Jimmy Havoc blading his junk sinks into the depths of your brain… I have a piece of friendly advice. Take a damn shower and mow that ugly lawn. Oh, that was not the advice… That was an order. Now, I just shared a little bit of history with you, Braun… Sure, Jimmy Havoc is 3 times Tag team champion… His previous partners have all been disposable… When the time comes, you’ll be disposable too. I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t handle our loud ass swag tonight, if you felt intimidated to even come down to the ring. Your big beer belly is clearly the third wheel in this match… But that permanently puzzled look on your toothless face tells me you might not have the slightest idea of what’s going on.

Renee Young: You do realize your match tonight is not for the tag team titles…

Enzo’s eyes bugged widely as he looked to Trent, then to Renee, then Trent again.

Enzo Amore: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Renee Young: This is traditional tag team match, no stipulations, no titles on the line.

Enzo Amore: TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

Trent: Oh man… If Booker T were here, he would call us “suckas”.

Renee Young: Sorry to break the news to you. I figured you would know what you were getting into.

Enzo still had his eyes opened wide, and he started shaking his head. Trent rubbed his sideburns, running mental calculations on how much money they have burnt.

Enzo Amore: RENEE! This doesn’t change anything! We’re still gonna kick their heads clean off their shoulders! Jimmy Havoc likes harvesting organs and eating people? He better steal himself a new ass because we’re about to unleash a can of whoopin’ so heavy he’ll be callin’ his rear ground beef, because we will LAY HIM OUT ON THAT MAT! Who knows if Jimmy boy has any teeth left in his mouth because he’s always wearing that mask to hide it. But if you do Jimmy, trust me, you will be missing a few after I hit you with these babies right here. One and Two, BADA. BOOM!

Enzo held up each fist and did a couple of uppercuts.

Enzo Amore: Give us three counts and you’ll be swimming with the fishes, and we’ll feed your remains to ya mama with some chips on the side. That’s what you eat in England, right?! TONIGHT, WE WILL BE SERVING YOU DEFEAT ON A PLATTER, YOU JACK THE RIPPER RIP OFF! BRAUN STROWMAN, WE WILL JUST SCRAPE YOU UP AND THROW YOU IN THE TRASH. You don’t belong in the bellies of animals. That sounds unsettling.

It was Enzo’s turn to look at Trent with a disgusted look.

Enzo Amore: As my bro Trent said, some people are just disposable. One look from Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman would make Medusa turn to stone. The only type of rock that belongs in that ring is Dwayne Johnson. And if HE were here tonight, he’d tell ya he’d kick your candy asses! There will be nothing sweet about that, you snaggletooth freaks. We will prove to you why this match tonight should be for the belts you wear. We’re here to take what’s ours.

“Speaking of taking what is one's…”

A cackle was heard, the camera zoomed out to display a very familiar man to hardcore Wrestling fans, clad in a brown mask, a khaki attire… And his trademark rope with a hook on one end. A smirk as wide as the great state of North Carolina.

The Repo Man: I’ve come to REPOSSESS what belongs to me… AHAHA! I LOVE MY JOB.

Trent leaned in towards Reneé, grabbing a hold of her wrist slowly.

Trent: I’m going to need that watch back.

Enzo Amore: And that iPad mini, too.

Enzo was much less subtle in his movement, simply taking the iPad right from Renee’s hand. The Repo man rubbed his hands together as the scene slowly faded to a commercial break. After the break, the laughter of the Repo Man could be heard in the back as the camera was fixed on our heroes faces. The Cameraman slowly began panning out to show the now empty locker room, no rubber pool, no jetski, no Television, no Playstation, nothing… The future EBWF Tag Team champions were clad in nothing but bankruptcy barrels, with suspenders making them cling over their shoulders.

Trent: You know something? We’ve tasted the elixir of the Gods… We had a sip of that sweet sweet honey… Now we know why Ric Flair is extremely buried in debt. Don’t you agree? Now we know what we’ve got to do with these two, don’t we? We’re going to nail a double Gobbstopper to Jimmy Havoc and er… Make his gums bleed, because he has no teeth left?

Enzo Amore: GINGIVITIS.

Trent: Then we’re going to knock Braun Strowman and his stupid broom beard onto a corner… We are both going to climb to the turnbuckle and we are going to plant him face first onto the mat with a double top rope tornado DDT…

Enzo Amore: CALL THAT A GARDEN.

Trent: Then hopefully Chris Jericho will take notice and give us an actual title match! Because we’re the hottest tag team in the business right now.

Enzo Amore: You can call us babies on laxatives, because we will be rippin’ it in the ring. Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman won’t know if we hit’em with that up up down down left right because we will be button mashing our way through this match straight to the top. You know what they say about monsters… They ain’t real. And you know what they say about us? We’re the realest guys in the room, and YA CAN’T TEACH THAT! Just watch and learn boys, because we are about to show you what everyone is talkin’ about.

Enzo hit the side of his barrel for a boom effect.

Trent: You’ll find this humorous… But this is no game. Jimmy Havoc may have had a nice, lengthy run as a tag champ, but his time is ticking faster than those last 10 seconds in Super Mario Bros… He might’ve reigned supreme before, but let’s face it… He has just had decent competition until now.

Enzo Amore: All good things come in pairs. Shoes, gloves, socks, Trent and Enzo Amore. Two wins we will get over Jimmy Havoc and Braun Strowman. Two times too many when we take those two belts from you two strange, toothless, doofus losers. We’ll show you who’s the clown once your party is over. And it ain’t gonna be us with the frowny faces and bloody-red noses. Sadness does suit you, James my boy. Get it in matching shades with your partner, because after tonight you’re gonna wonder what went wrong. All you’ll be able to blabber out of your stupid mouths is “I’m Blue Daba-dee-daba da” you dumbass dirtbags! When Trent and I come out with our mixtape, be sure to put it on repeat so you can light yourselves and fire and get the hell out of here. Or go to hell. Or whatever the saying is. THAT IS UNIMPORTANT. See you out there, chumps.

Trent chest bumped his Banrkuptcy barrel teammate and a loud thud echoed around the empty room as the scene faded to black.