No Scrubs
Posted: Mon May 01, 2017 10:57 pm
OOC: SORRY FOR ANY WEIRD TYPOS OR CODING GUYS Good luck!!!!
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The scene opened up at the local Chipotle restaurant in Indianapolis, where our two intrepid aces of the wrestling world were deep into their usual pre-match ritual. It took a massively complex and abstract mind to comprehend what went down at Chipotle when EBWF’s resident Gs, Trent and Amore walked in. Sat across each other at the table, both future tag champions held a gigantic burrito in their hands… Trent took a violent munch of his burrito and smiled at Enzo.
Trent: I tell ya, there’s no Chipotle in Japan! Man it’s good to be back home!
Enzo had unwrapped the foil from his enormous burrito, holding it up with both hands. He stood in his seat (yes, you read that correctly) and held it up like a baby in a swaddle, or whatever they’re called, much like an iconic scene from a movie.
Enzo Amore: AAAAAAH SO MANY A YA GONNA WISH YOU HAD A--
And all of the sudden, the burrito collapsed into itself under its own weight. It’s like what happens in black holes. It fell apart and all of its contents dumped onto the floor, table, and Enzo’s shoes.
Enzo Amore: I TOLD YOU BURRISTAS TO QUADRUPLE WRAP THIS BURRITO!
Then, Enzo threw the two flaps of tortillas he had left in both hands towards the serving line.
Enzo Amore: TRENT. It’s time to wreak… Havoc.
Trent: And after, we take gargantuan DUMPS in our hotel room… Gargantuan dumps, y’know, like Braun?
The certified G jumped off the chair, slamming his fists on the rice-and-bean-ridden table. Trent finished his burrito faster than Matt Sydal going through a pile of weed and proceeded to take Enzo out of the establishment.
Trent: You look mad, brother, you look pissed… You look… READY!
Upon arriving to their rental car, Trent popped the hood and took out Tom Phillips, who had his face covered in dirt, duct tape over his mouth, wrists and ankles. He looked like he hadn’t seen a shower in about the same amount of time as Braun Strowman. Trent pulled the feeble announcer out of the trunk of their car and onto the concrete.
Trent: I figured I’d keep Michael Cole nearby in case we needed a pop interview!
Trent then knelt before Tom Phillips and proceeded to untie him, removing the duct tape from his mouth in a swift motion.
Tom Phillips: MOTHER ####ER!
Enzo Amore: Bro, that’s Braun not us. We’re the good guys here. Imagine if Jimmy got his hands on you. You’d only have 3 fingers and 1 toe left by the end of the day. The guy’s nuts.
Enzo gave a hefty pat on Tom’s cheeks with both hands cupped around his face.
Enzo Amore: GET YOUR ASS UP, IT’S TIME TO WORK!
Trent rummaged through the trunk of the rental car, pulling out a couple of Twinkies and tossing them at Tom. Upon close inspection, Trent realize the mistake he had made…
Trent: Eat, get your gig up, it’s time to shine… For us of course, not you... You’re… Enzo… This isn’t Michael Cole, is he?
Enzo Amore: As long as this guy has two first names and a very small amount of syllables, I don’t care what we call him. Just be sure to call US the future tag team champs, my man.
Tom devoured the Twinkies like there was no tomorrow, gasped some more and tried to take a breather for a moment.
Trent: Man, you’re the worst interviewer ever… We should’ve brought The Coach or something.
Trent looked into the camera.
Trent: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, elder people who shouldn’t be driving but still do… Welcome to this EBWF.net Exclusive straight from the streets of Indianapolis! Joining me at this time, the soon to be EBWF Tag Team Champions… GTA! How you doin’ Enzo?
Enzo was seen nudging at Tom with his foot before turning to completely face the camera, then Trent.
Enzo Amore: I’m not a happy man right now, Trent. But don’t people always say in order to be a criminal you have to think like one? If you wanna smash skulls and break bones, you gotta be and feel like the person who would take it that far...
Trent: I’m sensing some really bad vibes man, I’m sorry there’s no Whataburger in Indianapolis, I’m sorry they made your burrito weak, feeble, floppy, wet and useless… Speaking of which… Tom, you ready now?
Trent patted Tom on the back, he scoffed and stood up, dusting himself off and nodding his head.
Trent: There’s something else that has been weak, feeble and useless for quite some time now… And that’s the Tag team division. You see… As a Four Time -Watch out Booker T- Tag team champion, it is really unnerving to see the current state of our division… The lack of talent, the lack of desire to reign the division has been… I can’t even put it into words. Tom, had it not been because of Enzo and Me… The EBWF Universe would be stuck with Sydal and his partner who’s name still escapes me versus Jimmy Havoc and his overgrown bitch Braun Strowman in a singles match. Let that sink in for a moment… We told Chris Jericho we are on a mission to spark life back into tag team wrestling… And tonight we do it in style! Tonight, from the get go you can already get off the edge of your seat and cheer for our match… Because there’s going to be A LOT going on between those ropes, ain’t that right?
Completely fired up, Trent reached out and chopped his tag partner across the chest. Enzo, in reactionary fashion, slapped his chest with both hands to add to the red mark that appeared, and clenched his teeth together as his eyes bugged out.
Enzo Amore: AHHH that’s right, bro! Matt Saddle and Max Drew, don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. I don’t know who you two pipsqueaks muscled-- wait, you don’t have muscle… SHIMMIED like little SISSY BOYS into this match-up. I don’t even know how you were number one contenders. But that is unimportant. You should sit back from the passenger side of your mother’s stationwagon while me and Trent take care of business. I will punch Jimmy Havoc so hard in his left eye, Christy Hemme will have to call him LISA every time he makes his way to the ring. And then, Lisa Left Eye will be so mad, he will end up turning on Burns Strongman and knock him out cold. And he shall be called Chili. And then God will say, LET THERE BE A T IN THE LC, WHICH SHALL STAND FOR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Trent: So Sydal and Jindrak… I mean Andrews… Get your green grass shakes, your green grass smokes, do your yoga and make peace with whatever crap it is you believe in because I can’t guarantee you’ll walk out of this match in one piece! And rest assured you won’t be walking out with the straps either! You’re the third wheel in this match… Scratch that… You’re the third wheel in this division! You can go on Twitter and rant on how much you’ve done in the business elsewhere, how many years have you been killing it someplace else… You’ll be standing before a former World Champion, but most importantly… You’ll be standing before a man who has kicked your ass in the past, so watch your mouth unless you want to be eating from a Straw for the rest of your lifes. Now… This match is going to be bigger, badder, and better than anything you’ve seen before… We’re going to go higher than any man has gone before… We’re going to go harder on those tables than the Dudley Boyz and we’re going to make Edge and Christian look like amateurs when we pop your heads out of their sockets with a swift chair shot… It is only natural it comes down to this, Enzo… Shots were fired the moment this Tag Team comprised of Alpha males stormed into the division and made it their own… I get Havoc feels threatened, I get he scoots next to Braun at night, brushing his beard until he falls asleep… I know how intimidating two GODDAMN FINE wrestlers can be… I experience it every time I look at myself in the mirror. Now, Jimmy Havoc… For a man who always covers his face with masks… I figured it was because you’re hideous behind the mask, but then I noticed your mouth is as big as the grand canyon… Sure, you’ve been impressive here in EBWF… But You still haven’t gone against me… You see, I consider myself a tag team specialist, and my record in EBWF is pretty damn fine for that matter, but I’ve never had a partner like Enzo before… That’s gonna be your major problem… You can bring Hogan, The Undertaker, Kane, Bruno Sammartino… You’re never going to achieve what Enzo and I achieve everytime we strut down the ring with the grace of an african elephant… Simply because YOU. CAN’T. TEACH. THAT.
Enzo Amore: It will take the two of you to get the job done, but when it’s over, you still won’t get that FIRE finish you hope for. Jimmy can climb Braun’s shoulders but this ain’t a chicken fight. Trent is that PIT BULL who is gonna climb higher. Big boobs strongman can throw Jimmy Havoc like a football and I will swat that shit back like Dikembe Mutombo, because this match is like trying to play football on a basketball court. It is unforgiving, unpredictable, and undeniably the LAST NIGHT JIMMY HAVOC AND WHAT’S HIS DUCK ARE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! For someone as delusional as yourself, Jimmy Havoc, even you won’t be able to put yourself to sleep at night with some ridiculously self-inflated sense of worth, because you’ll be laying in bed, next to Boxed Ottoman, staring at the ceiling fan wishing you could hang yourself from it knowing you lost to us “clowns”. Ain’t nothin’ funny about that, bro. We will have your room in the retirement hold on speed dial, slot number one, for when you go down faster than the midnight sun on an Alaskan solstice, BITCH.
Trent: Braun Strowman... You might think I'm stupid, delusional and crazy for talking up to you like this... You might think I don't have the slightest bit of respect for you... And I don't. You're huge... When I think of the moment your mother gave birth to you... My mind just boggles... But then I realize, you're just one big sumbitch... The only thing special about you was your mom getting a C-section to get your huge ass out of her... What else have you done, Braun? I've sold out arenas all over this country, I've held the tag team titles after blooding, sweating and rolling the #### out of that Canvas... Who have you beaten? You were handed that title on a silver platter... Whilst everything I have earned has been gained with my two fists and a Bill Murray Kneepad. You can be strong, you can be merciless... But you can never be faster than me... And you're not going to become a better tag team wrestler overnight... So my advice to you Big Braun is... If you wanna bake it big in EBWF, stop being Jimmy's bitch, stop doing his bidding, and blaze your own path in EBWF.
Trent shook his head.
Trent: Not tonight however… Braun. I’d never forgive myself if I allowed you to climb a ladder faster than Enzo or Myself… Sydal and Andrews sure… But they are probably going to be stoned off their minds. What are you going to do Braun? Outsmart me? HA! Outrun me? HA! HA! Tonight I am going to go down a place I don’t usually go… Y’know, when those little toys are allowed in matches… A spark brights up inside me. I get creative… I get clinical… You’ll probably feel it… The cold kiss of still against your flesh and bones. It’s time the EBWF gets a deserving tag team on top of the division… It’s time we make tag team wrestling great again! TOM!
Trent looked at Tom Phillips, who stood beside them all along.
Trent: You’re the worst interviewer ever!!!
Trent shoved him back into the trunk of the car, closing it with a single push. He could be heard slamming his fists against the trunk and screaming for help. Both men boarded the rental car and drove off as the scene faded to black.
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The scene opened up at the local Chipotle restaurant in Indianapolis, where our two intrepid aces of the wrestling world were deep into their usual pre-match ritual. It took a massively complex and abstract mind to comprehend what went down at Chipotle when EBWF’s resident Gs, Trent and Amore walked in. Sat across each other at the table, both future tag champions held a gigantic burrito in their hands… Trent took a violent munch of his burrito and smiled at Enzo.
Trent: I tell ya, there’s no Chipotle in Japan! Man it’s good to be back home!
Enzo had unwrapped the foil from his enormous burrito, holding it up with both hands. He stood in his seat (yes, you read that correctly) and held it up like a baby in a swaddle, or whatever they’re called, much like an iconic scene from a movie.
Enzo Amore: AAAAAAH SO MANY A YA GONNA WISH YOU HAD A--
And all of the sudden, the burrito collapsed into itself under its own weight. It’s like what happens in black holes. It fell apart and all of its contents dumped onto the floor, table, and Enzo’s shoes.
Enzo Amore: I TOLD YOU BURRISTAS TO QUADRUPLE WRAP THIS BURRITO!
Then, Enzo threw the two flaps of tortillas he had left in both hands towards the serving line.
Enzo Amore: TRENT. It’s time to wreak… Havoc.
Trent: And after, we take gargantuan DUMPS in our hotel room… Gargantuan dumps, y’know, like Braun?
The certified G jumped off the chair, slamming his fists on the rice-and-bean-ridden table. Trent finished his burrito faster than Matt Sydal going through a pile of weed and proceeded to take Enzo out of the establishment.
Trent: You look mad, brother, you look pissed… You look… READY!
Upon arriving to their rental car, Trent popped the hood and took out Tom Phillips, who had his face covered in dirt, duct tape over his mouth, wrists and ankles. He looked like he hadn’t seen a shower in about the same amount of time as Braun Strowman. Trent pulled the feeble announcer out of the trunk of their car and onto the concrete.
Trent: I figured I’d keep Michael Cole nearby in case we needed a pop interview!
Trent then knelt before Tom Phillips and proceeded to untie him, removing the duct tape from his mouth in a swift motion.
Tom Phillips: MOTHER ####ER!
Enzo Amore: Bro, that’s Braun not us. We’re the good guys here. Imagine if Jimmy got his hands on you. You’d only have 3 fingers and 1 toe left by the end of the day. The guy’s nuts.
Enzo gave a hefty pat on Tom’s cheeks with both hands cupped around his face.
Enzo Amore: GET YOUR ASS UP, IT’S TIME TO WORK!
Trent rummaged through the trunk of the rental car, pulling out a couple of Twinkies and tossing them at Tom. Upon close inspection, Trent realize the mistake he had made…
Trent: Eat, get your gig up, it’s time to shine… For us of course, not you... You’re… Enzo… This isn’t Michael Cole, is he?
Enzo Amore: As long as this guy has two first names and a very small amount of syllables, I don’t care what we call him. Just be sure to call US the future tag team champs, my man.
Tom devoured the Twinkies like there was no tomorrow, gasped some more and tried to take a breather for a moment.
Trent: Man, you’re the worst interviewer ever… We should’ve brought The Coach or something.
Trent looked into the camera.
Trent: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, elder people who shouldn’t be driving but still do… Welcome to this EBWF.net Exclusive straight from the streets of Indianapolis! Joining me at this time, the soon to be EBWF Tag Team Champions… GTA! How you doin’ Enzo?
Enzo was seen nudging at Tom with his foot before turning to completely face the camera, then Trent.
Enzo Amore: I’m not a happy man right now, Trent. But don’t people always say in order to be a criminal you have to think like one? If you wanna smash skulls and break bones, you gotta be and feel like the person who would take it that far...
Trent: I’m sensing some really bad vibes man, I’m sorry there’s no Whataburger in Indianapolis, I’m sorry they made your burrito weak, feeble, floppy, wet and useless… Speaking of which… Tom, you ready now?
Trent patted Tom on the back, he scoffed and stood up, dusting himself off and nodding his head.
Trent: There’s something else that has been weak, feeble and useless for quite some time now… And that’s the Tag team division. You see… As a Four Time -Watch out Booker T- Tag team champion, it is really unnerving to see the current state of our division… The lack of talent, the lack of desire to reign the division has been… I can’t even put it into words. Tom, had it not been because of Enzo and Me… The EBWF Universe would be stuck with Sydal and his partner who’s name still escapes me versus Jimmy Havoc and his overgrown bitch Braun Strowman in a singles match. Let that sink in for a moment… We told Chris Jericho we are on a mission to spark life back into tag team wrestling… And tonight we do it in style! Tonight, from the get go you can already get off the edge of your seat and cheer for our match… Because there’s going to be A LOT going on between those ropes, ain’t that right?
Completely fired up, Trent reached out and chopped his tag partner across the chest. Enzo, in reactionary fashion, slapped his chest with both hands to add to the red mark that appeared, and clenched his teeth together as his eyes bugged out.
Enzo Amore: AHHH that’s right, bro! Matt Saddle and Max Drew, don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. I don’t know who you two pipsqueaks muscled-- wait, you don’t have muscle… SHIMMIED like little SISSY BOYS into this match-up. I don’t even know how you were number one contenders. But that is unimportant. You should sit back from the passenger side of your mother’s stationwagon while me and Trent take care of business. I will punch Jimmy Havoc so hard in his left eye, Christy Hemme will have to call him LISA every time he makes his way to the ring. And then, Lisa Left Eye will be so mad, he will end up turning on Burns Strongman and knock him out cold. And he shall be called Chili. And then God will say, LET THERE BE A T IN THE LC, WHICH SHALL STAND FOR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Trent: So Sydal and Jindrak… I mean Andrews… Get your green grass shakes, your green grass smokes, do your yoga and make peace with whatever crap it is you believe in because I can’t guarantee you’ll walk out of this match in one piece! And rest assured you won’t be walking out with the straps either! You’re the third wheel in this match… Scratch that… You’re the third wheel in this division! You can go on Twitter and rant on how much you’ve done in the business elsewhere, how many years have you been killing it someplace else… You’ll be standing before a former World Champion, but most importantly… You’ll be standing before a man who has kicked your ass in the past, so watch your mouth unless you want to be eating from a Straw for the rest of your lifes. Now… This match is going to be bigger, badder, and better than anything you’ve seen before… We’re going to go higher than any man has gone before… We’re going to go harder on those tables than the Dudley Boyz and we’re going to make Edge and Christian look like amateurs when we pop your heads out of their sockets with a swift chair shot… It is only natural it comes down to this, Enzo… Shots were fired the moment this Tag Team comprised of Alpha males stormed into the division and made it their own… I get Havoc feels threatened, I get he scoots next to Braun at night, brushing his beard until he falls asleep… I know how intimidating two GODDAMN FINE wrestlers can be… I experience it every time I look at myself in the mirror. Now, Jimmy Havoc… For a man who always covers his face with masks… I figured it was because you’re hideous behind the mask, but then I noticed your mouth is as big as the grand canyon… Sure, you’ve been impressive here in EBWF… But You still haven’t gone against me… You see, I consider myself a tag team specialist, and my record in EBWF is pretty damn fine for that matter, but I’ve never had a partner like Enzo before… That’s gonna be your major problem… You can bring Hogan, The Undertaker, Kane, Bruno Sammartino… You’re never going to achieve what Enzo and I achieve everytime we strut down the ring with the grace of an african elephant… Simply because YOU. CAN’T. TEACH. THAT.
Enzo Amore: It will take the two of you to get the job done, but when it’s over, you still won’t get that FIRE finish you hope for. Jimmy can climb Braun’s shoulders but this ain’t a chicken fight. Trent is that PIT BULL who is gonna climb higher. Big boobs strongman can throw Jimmy Havoc like a football and I will swat that shit back like Dikembe Mutombo, because this match is like trying to play football on a basketball court. It is unforgiving, unpredictable, and undeniably the LAST NIGHT JIMMY HAVOC AND WHAT’S HIS DUCK ARE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! For someone as delusional as yourself, Jimmy Havoc, even you won’t be able to put yourself to sleep at night with some ridiculously self-inflated sense of worth, because you’ll be laying in bed, next to Boxed Ottoman, staring at the ceiling fan wishing you could hang yourself from it knowing you lost to us “clowns”. Ain’t nothin’ funny about that, bro. We will have your room in the retirement hold on speed dial, slot number one, for when you go down faster than the midnight sun on an Alaskan solstice, BITCH.
Trent: Braun Strowman... You might think I'm stupid, delusional and crazy for talking up to you like this... You might think I don't have the slightest bit of respect for you... And I don't. You're huge... When I think of the moment your mother gave birth to you... My mind just boggles... But then I realize, you're just one big sumbitch... The only thing special about you was your mom getting a C-section to get your huge ass out of her... What else have you done, Braun? I've sold out arenas all over this country, I've held the tag team titles after blooding, sweating and rolling the #### out of that Canvas... Who have you beaten? You were handed that title on a silver platter... Whilst everything I have earned has been gained with my two fists and a Bill Murray Kneepad. You can be strong, you can be merciless... But you can never be faster than me... And you're not going to become a better tag team wrestler overnight... So my advice to you Big Braun is... If you wanna bake it big in EBWF, stop being Jimmy's bitch, stop doing his bidding, and blaze your own path in EBWF.
Trent shook his head.
Trent: Not tonight however… Braun. I’d never forgive myself if I allowed you to climb a ladder faster than Enzo or Myself… Sydal and Andrews sure… But they are probably going to be stoned off their minds. What are you going to do Braun? Outsmart me? HA! Outrun me? HA! HA! Tonight I am going to go down a place I don’t usually go… Y’know, when those little toys are allowed in matches… A spark brights up inside me. I get creative… I get clinical… You’ll probably feel it… The cold kiss of still against your flesh and bones. It’s time the EBWF gets a deserving tag team on top of the division… It’s time we make tag team wrestling great again! TOM!
Trent looked at Tom Phillips, who stood beside them all along.
Trent: You’re the worst interviewer ever!!!
Trent shoved him back into the trunk of the car, closing it with a single push. He could be heard slamming his fists against the trunk and screaming for help. Both men boarded the rental car and drove off as the scene faded to black.