People for the Ethical Tearing Apart (of Darren Young) ((PETA-DY))

[Kamden]

-----OOC: Well... I had wrote this earlier and just saw what DJ wrote, but I'm still posting it anyway cuz I like it lol. Hope ya'll enjoy.
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CABS ARE HEEEERE!

The iconic phrase repeatedly uttered by the one and only Pauly D of Jersey Shore was once again brought back with similar fervor and energy, but by a REAL Jersey native… Enzo Amore.

Enzo Amore: TRENTA. You are moving the complete opposite of how someone oughta move if they drank a trenta-sized double espresso caramel liquid macchiato from Stardust… Get to two-steppin’ fast or they’ll charge us more, bro.

Trent. A magnificent man. He slapped his cheeks solidly with both hands, like when grandma used to plaster her palms to your face and patronize you.

Trent: I just shaved. Gotta keep the sideburns in their lanes and let the aftershave burn a little.

The certified G looked at his swaggy tag team partner, who was clad in his usual leather jacket, shirtless, and in his wrestling trunks. Enzo was in a leopard print romp-him (the male version of a romper), with shiny white J’s on his feet.

Trent: Onward, to the fine dining establishment!

Enzo Amore: It’s just a smokehouse, bro. There’s nothin’ fancy about these places.

Both men stepped out of their hotel room, accompanied by a camera crew downstairs to their ride. The scene faded out, returning…

10 MINUTES LATER.

Trent and Enzo were sitting in the leather seats of the rear of a car silently. No music playing. The most terrible experience one could have during an Uber adventure. Finally, the car slowed to a stop and the driver spoke.

Mark, Uber Driver: Okay folks, we’re here. Should I wait?

Trent: Oh yes, do wait kind sir, gotta speak to the govn’a or sommin inside.

Trent made a terrible attempt at trying to sound Canadian, if that was even a thing.

Enzo Amore: Yeah bro, Trent always likes going in these places and comparing bandanas and beards with other dudes. So it’ll be a while.

With that said, Trent opened the door and exited the vehicle, heading towards the local smokehouse to grab their grub. Enzo and Uber driver Mark remained behind to... talk. A few silent moments went by until Enzo whipped out his phone (who knew where it was stored in his man romper) and started a video.

Enzo Amore: Here man, you hold this and record me. I’m gonna say a few things. I’ll tip you extra for this. 5 star review. The whole damn thing.

And now, we were viewing what would later be uploaded to EBWF.net as an exclusive video for the breakout champions upcoming match on Warfare: The first round of the 2017 King of the Ring tournament. The Certified G ‘s opponent?

“Darren Young.”

Enzo pressed his hands together and rested them under his chin, before nodding and continuing.

“I made up a lot of shit in my head to get mad at you. You were the burrito barista who did not properly wrap my burrito at Chipotle, and let my burrito fall apart. How can someone let a burrito get soggy and SAWFT to the point it just collapses on itself?! Darren Young. We got some things to settle, my man.

You are the guy who stepped on my shoes at Karma back in 2009 when I was Jersey jerkin’ all on the shore dance floors. Even Ron told you to stop that shit, bro. Darren Young, I’ve got a bone to pick with you...

And NOW you have the cajones to run your big stupid sissy mouth. Probably sittin’ on your friend’s mom’s couch in a clubhouse with your sorority pal Tight-ass O’Neil, and over-age frat-boy legacy Alex O’Reilly auto parts, seeing who can toss a ping pong ball in a cup. I’ve got advice for you you certified bag of stale cheese puffs. THE ONLY CUP YOU SHOULD BE MESSING WITH IS ONE TO PROTECT YOUR GONADS BECAUSE I WANNA KICK YOU IN THEM MULTIPLE TIMES! DARREN YOUNG, WE GOT BEEF, SON. I AM ABOUT TO GRILL YOU SO HARD YOUR NEW RING NAME SHOULD BE BABY BACK BITCH!

WELCOME TO THE ROAST OF DARREN YOUNG, EBWF UNIVERSE!”

By now Enzo was speaking very loudly.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME FROM HERE, DARREN YOUNG? I’M ABOUT TO BURN YOU LIKE CHARCOAL!!! BY THE TIME I AM FINISHED WITH YOU, YOU WILL BE AN EXTRA CRISPY 6 PIECE: 2 LEGS, 2 ARMS, ONE HEAD AND ONE BIG FAT L YOU’LL TAKE AS YOUR SIDE, AND I WILL GLADLY TAKE YOU BACK FOR SECONDS ANY OTHER DAY, BITCH! YOU’LL BE SO FED UP YOU’LL WANNA BECOME A CERTIFIED SISSY VEGAN THAT IS CAGE FREE AND ROAMS THE PASTURE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A HEIFER AT HEART. FAT, SLOW, AND STUPID! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’VE CHEWED WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN 24/7 FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS TO GET THE SLACK JAW YOU HAVE NOW! THAT'S THE WRONG TYPA WORK TO PUT IN!”

The realest guy in the Toyota Camry 4-door took a deep breath in, his eyes bugging substantially as they typically do whenever he does anything that takes a minute amount of energy. Mark the Uber Driver was practically shaking in his seat behind the camera. Having a jacked, wild-haired man in a partial jumpsuit yelling at you while you record it was dramatic. Anyone who walked by took a long, hard stare into the vehicle to witness Enzo yelling furiously at the camera.

“Since we are in Canada, where there is no good barbeque to satisfy the hunger of a couple of ravenous, ravishing gentleman like Trent and myself, I thought ‘Why don’t I bring the FIRE like a flame-grilled sirloin steak to discuss the very first match of King of the Ring? Talk about SIZZLIN’! Actually it’s a little musty in here so I’ma roll down a window…”

After clicking on the little button on the door, nothing happened.

“Oh so sorry, I have child lock on so people can’t roll down the windows… Some girl tried to get out of paying once by climbing through it on the roadway. Can you believe that, a grown woman-”

“DO I LOOK LIKE A CHILD TO YOU, BRO? WHAT ABOUT ME SCREAMS I AM NOT A MAN, OR AN ADULT, OR GROWN? I HAVE A FUCKING GOATEE MAN, NOT JUST ANY BEARD. I HAVE MY HAIR STYLED TO THE MAX AND THAT AIN’T CHEAP. YOU GOTTA HAVE MONEY FOR MANY JARS OF GEL. I HAVE A CUSTOM ROMP-HIM, WHICH WAS ALSO VERY EXPENSIVE. I WORK FOR THE TOP WRESTLING COMPANY IN THE WORLD, MARTY. HELP ME CRACK A WINDOW BEFORE I CRACK YOUR DAMN SKULL!”

“Oh… kay.”

Uber Driver Mark, not named Marty, slowly reached to his door to roll down Enzo’s window. But it was automatic and rolled all the way down. A breath of fresh air entered the vehicle, alleviating the small interior of smells of AXE Body Spray™, hair gel and aftershave. Many scents to go around between Trent and Enzo alone.

“I’m roasting Darren Young so hard right now, it’s well done. The temperature actually went up in here, bro. I hope he takes all this smack-talkin’ I’m servin’ him with some A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce. The A stands for Amore-1, Young-0, because I will mop the floor with the top of his LUMPY head!! Just like the ribs and brisket you can get from Outback Steakhouse, Darren Young is SAWFT! The only red people gonna see tonight will not be from a raw slab of meat. It will be on Darren Young’s face after I PUNCH him square in it so hard he will be spinnin’ in circles around that boxed wrestling ring. He will be able to look at both Titus and Alex Riley simultaneously next time they share bedtime stories at their daily slumber party, because he will be cockeyed. This wicked right hook of mine will turn his nose into his own personal compass, because I’ma knock it 180 DEGREES TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD SO IT ALWAYS POINTS NORTH!”

A crowd started to form around the vehicle, some people recording.

“I feel like The Varsity Club does hazing at least 3 times a week, with each other, because none of them can get a lady in their bedroom because they still live with their moms. THIS AIN’T HIGH SCHOOL, MAN. DARREN YOUNG SHOULD HAVE GRADUATED IN 2000 ALONG WITH THAT HALF USED ERASER HEAD HAIRDO. TELL TITUS TO SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH HIS UNNATURALLY LONG ARMS HE CHOOSES TO FLAP LIKE FLIPPERS, SO HE CAN FINALLY FULFILL HIS DREAM OF BECOMING A SEAL AND STOP BARKING LIKE ONE EVERY DAMN MONDAY NIGHT! Damn, I'd even give three ARF ARF ARFS TO THAT! PETA would love that. But FUCK PETA! THOSE SISSIES ALWAYS HOUND US MEAT EATERS, BUT DO WE GO AND HARASS VEGANS WITH THEIR FRUITY CLOTHES AND CHEAP SHOES AND HEMP?!”

Looking out into the crowd as he said this, Enzo was fully pumped to the max after insulting PETA. It was sure to be on TMZ with all the bystanders recording the incident.

“YEAH I SAID IT, FUCK PETA!”

A mom covered her child’s ears and walked away at that moment. The breakout champ turned his focus back to his phone camera.

“Long story short, Darren Young is just another jock riding someone else's jock to the top. And I can definitely say you will be catchin’ somethin’... These hands, bro.”

Outside, Trent was maneuvering his way through the cluster of people in front of the uber with his hands full of plastic bags carrying food. He somehow managed to open the door to the car as Enzo had put up both of his fists and gave a couple of punches to the camera.

“Bada boom, realest GUYS, plural, now that Trent has returned, in the room.”

Enzo slid over in his seat back to his original spot as Trent entered.

“W.. Wouldn’t it be realest guys in the car?”

Enzo had opened his mouth to decapitate Mark for his question, but Trent beat him to it.

“Alright, yea sir it woodchucker would be.”

Again with the bad Canadian impersonation, Trent popped open a plastic take out container and take a large bite out of a slab of ribs smothered in barbecue sauce.

“Gimme that, bro. You got some kind of meat eating fetish or something? PETA would NOT like that, for sure.”

Enzo swiped his phone back from the driver, who flinched as he did so. In a split second he turned back around to face the front and tore out of his parking spot, nearly hitting an oncoming vehicle as he picked up speed to get back to GTA’s hotel as quickly as possible.

“So what we got planned tonight, bro?”

“You have a match brother, remember?”

“Oh yeah you’re right. You just missed everything, man, I burned Darren Young so hard!”

“Like a pig on a fire rotisserie?”

“Better than that. Lemme just start over from the beginning, it’s all on my phone.”

And now the uber driver was probably having the worst uber experience of his life. As sound of Enzo yelling was heard in the backseat from the video just recorded, Mark the Canadian uber driver drove on into the busy streets of Toronto only hours before the scheduled opening match for the 2017 EBWF King of the Ring tournament, and beginning of Monday night Warfare.