Our camera slowly adjusts to the darkness. There don't appear to be any visual landmarks, no details, for all intents and purposes we are looking at a void. It appears to go on in all directions we can see, and we can only assume in all the directions that we cannot. We linger here, for what is in all reality probably only seconds but time feels as if it is stretching along with the inky blackness. At the precise moment we begin to wonder if we should turn away from the screen a green and blue feather floats into frame, piercing the night. The camera follows it down as it gently descends through the abyss.
It finally comes to rest on a white square. Is the square floating? There's another and another. Are they all floating. No, we can now notice that the black between this squares is distinct from the black in the distance. This is a pattern, we've reached floor. Suddenly a black leather shoe lands one square beyond the feather, and the impact creates light. There's a dancer here. His steps are sure, never once does his foot touch the black, and every squares he makes contact with is illuminated from within or beneath. The only sound here is the ringing echo of his sharp tap shoes until he stops in his track. From nowhere (everywhere?) some swinging music announces the arrival of an attractive young female in a black flower dress on to the dancefloor.
The two fall into sync with one another, matching step for step, continuing to create light in this place. The female twirls, causing her dress to hike up above her knee. She pushes the fabric back down and wags a finger at the man, then bounds back off camera; he follows closely behind.
They reappear far in the distance, engaged in a playful bouncing chase across the horizon. The camera begins to strafe along the same direction, trying to keep up until the space between camera and horizon is suddenly filled with a small army of flag-bearers. Each flag a deep shade of purple, green, or blue, and each bearer is clad in an ochre robe. As the music loses its jazzy bounce and takes a turn towards the dramatic, the flags begin to wave in formation, creating shapes and waves of color. They move with military precision, drawing the eye back and forth as the colors undulate.
At once, the flag-bearers slam their pennants to the ground, leaving an open space for one near the back to raise his flag pole like a javelin and send it sailing over their heads and past the camera. It whips around just in time to see the pole hit its target. So there was a wall behind us, who knew? Just as we contemplate this, it starts to pry itself open to reveal a light.
We push forward through the portal and see that we are in a large space, a humongous set, perhaps, in a state of construction. We start to move again but a pair of men in matching jumpsuits step in front of us, carrying a large pane of glass. The camera moves upwards, just barely clearing the sheet. Another pair walks in from the other side! The camera glides underneath. We dodge pane after pane, sheet after sheet, going high, low, rolling to the left, diving to the right, each time barely avoiding disaster. But the next pane up ahead is too large and too close for us to make it to the edges. We feel ourselves bracing for impact even just as viewers, but a man spins into frame on the other side of the glass and shatters it with a sledgehammer.
The camera crosses over the shards of glass and is now in the midst of the largest part of the set. Here we see men in hardhats swinging hammers, ladies in cargo shorts sweeping the floor, and large pieces of wood slamming into place. There's a rhythmic element to the affair, and eventually the noises of construction align with the musical accompaniment, becoming the percussion of the soundtrack. A man with a bowler hat brings a ladder onto the stage. He begins to showcase daredevilish feats of agility, spinning the tall metal object like a dance partner before scaling it in mere seconds and sliding back down. He rocks it back and forth to make it walk across the stage and balances on the top rung. As the music reaches its climax, he stomps on the stage to open a trap door and slides the ladder down the opening. The camera races forward to follow him under the stage only to find him dangling over sparkling blue water.
Below him, a dozen pair of legs pop through the azure surface in a circular formation. The camera skims along the water as the synchronized swimmers go through their routine. Clad in turquoise one-pieces and purple swimcaps, they form shapes and move as one, they pop in and out with barely a splash. We begin to move forward now as the bodies shoot up around us. The swimmers have formed a line under the surface, and they rise in turn with a graceful arc of the arm to wave us on to the next. Each seems more elegant than the last as we are greeted by one, two , three and four, five, six and seven, and then the dinosaur.
It's a Parasaurolophus , a fin-headed duck billed dinosaur of the late Cretaceous period. Or more specifically, it is a refurbished animatronic prop resembling parasaurolophus that had been created for the Jurassic Park ride found at numerous Universal Studios parks. It rises from the water and spits a playful arc of water that the camera passes underneath on the way to the edge of the pool. Standing there we see a line of waiters, pencil thin mustaches impeccably greased, all shaking bottles of champagne. They all turn in disparate directions and corks go flying.
The sound of breaking glass. Sudden overwhelming darkness. And then...a rainbow.
Bioluminescent bugs emerge from the glass containers they had been held in. Each species a different color, all emitting a faint eerie glow. As they first emerge all the bugs stay close together to their brethren, forming solid blocks of color. But as they disperse further, the colors mix into a tie dye tapestry. They move faster than the camera can keep up with, and eventually we are left once again in the pitch black and silence, our diegetic soundtrack having faded behind us. But a new sound attracts our attention from below us, an enthusiastic humming.
The camera descends towards the sound, and we find light fast approaching as well. Now we are at a new ground level, where we see a peculiar sight. Two large burly men in loin clothes and feathered masks take position on all fours, forming a chaise lounger with their bodies on top of which lays a man in a shiny jumpsuit and cape with wild feathered hair. He beckons the camera closer.
“Salutations. I'm Dalton Castle. THESE! Are my boys! And this...”
He reaches out as another of the boys appears in the corner of the screen to hand him a handsomely made artisanal ceramic mug with a caricature of Lionel Ritchie and the word Hello drifting across the top.
“This is the cup of coffee I stayed for during my last run in EBWF.” He takes a long slurp and smacks his lips. “Ahh, hazelnut.” The boy retrieves the cup and walks back offscreen.
“It wasn't personal,” Dalton continues, “but you see, I am a RAMBLIN' MAN! I brightened your lives for but a moment, and then had to move along to the next territory that NEEDED me. I'm like the Incredible Hulk in the seventies, sadly hitchhiking from town to town, trying to stay out of trouble but it always FINDS me. That's my life, I'm a LONER Dottie...a rebel. So I went on my way, plying my trade all across this great land, doing my part to UNITE the PEOPLE...until one week ago.
I was Googling myself, DON'T JUDGE ME YOU ALL DO IT, and what do I see in the news feed of every site I click over to? EBWF. Royal Rumble. World Title. Winner gets it. Lonely Asians. Scrolled too far down the page. Back up to the top. Open invitation. Well, let me tell you, my interest was piqued. NOT ABOUT THE ASIANS, FOCUS. You're telling me that the winner of the Royal Rumble will be award the World Title, well then I have to tell you that I sees it...and I wants it.
So that is why the Party Peacock rented this multi-story warehouse, filled it with performance artists and told them we're doing this in one take, get it right, and we spent all week practicing, and that dinosaur never pops up at the right time, it's a real pain in my ass, but now you're here with me so I can announce to the world that I will be taking one of the remaining Royal Rumble spots, I assume there are balls and a tombola involved, but I will find out when I get there. And I can guarantee you, that with these arms, these hands, and this FREAKISHLY low center of gravity, I am going to be a soup can tossing MACHINE. Spring loaded! I'm coming in to toss people out. Because I didn't ask for these muscles. But I got 'em, and I am bringing them to the By-God Royal Rumble match and with a little bit of luck...and some good old American gumption...you'll be looking at the last man standing and your new WORLD CHAMPION....Dalton Castle.”
“Now, come on, boys.” He snaps his fingers. “We've got a Rumble to win.” The two burly men beneath Dalton begin to crawl in sync, slowly moving Dalton further from camera as an iris closes around him and the screen goes black.
Hat, Meet Ring
Re: Hat, Meet Ring
Ahh, hazelnut!!! <333
I love Dalton Castle. Thank you Derek!!
I love Dalton Castle. Thank you Derek!!
Writers aren't exactly people. They're a whole bunch of people. Trying to be one person.
The only living, breathing, Queen of Efeds in captivity
"You can't blame a writer for what the characters say." - Truman Capote
Re: Hat, Meet Ring
The way you set a scene is fantastic. Welcome back, Derek. You have been missed!
PS: "Lonely Asians" made me chuckle :)
PS: "Lonely Asians" made me chuckle :)
Re: Hat, Meet Ring
You're just saying that because you know I'm good and ready to take some of the match results workload of your hands again
