The video feed at the Royal Rumble begins with a countdown before cutting to the familiar static from earlier in the night.





Hello, are you listening?

*You can see and hear a finger tapping on the glass of the camera over the static. Slowly the shadow of a man seems to appear from within the static. You can’t make out any distinguishing features besides some very obviously scraggly hair and large aviator sunglasses.*




All you fans - hear this message. Tonight, you will all have the unprecedented opportunity to be a part of history. Days like this…okay - Days like today, you understand… they happen maybe once in lifetime… so take it from ME. Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t be afraid to reach for the stars. But let me warn you now, right as you’re about to reach that dream, right as you’re about to bask in the glory of your hard work… someone like me swoops in and takes it from you. Because I am the best. I am more talented. I have more drive. I have more determination, I am not LIKE. ANY. ONE. OF. YOU! BUT! I wrestle for you, and you’re lucky to have me. SO. YOU. ARE. WELCOME!

Now this next message goes to all my fellow wrestlers watching. Oh yeah, I know you’re watching… Well guess what. Today is your lucky day, because I’m giving you all a Rumble-worth of study material, so you can get ready for the next time you step into the ring with me, but it’s not going to matter, cause you ain’t gonna stop me. All you guys in the back, prepare to fall in the path of history. Because you can’t stop history. You can’t do anything about it. Tonight when I CLEAN UP at the Rumble, when I walk out the EBWF World Heavyweight Championship, you’ll know who I am…. and why I’m here. If you don’t like it? I DON’T CARE!

 Once upon a time, when I was a sixteen year old boy at home, the landscape of wrestling changed forever when the EBWF came across my TV screen at home in Canada and then my life changed forever. I instantly knew that I would be a professional wrestler. But what is important and why I’m here is the B, in EBWF. For those of you that have forgotten, the B stands for Best. And that’s why I’m here and that’s what I am. I’m the best wrestler on the planet, and I’m here to prove it.

The best on the planet, why? Not just because I’m good, ooooOHhhhhh nooo. It’s because of what’s in here (points to head) and what’s in here (points to heart). Now speaking of heart… Bret Hart, you old fucker, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. oh no. 

I watched you all those years ago. I saw you win Rumbles and Championships and King of The Ring tournaments, I saw you do it all. You were all that superstars coming to the EBWF could hope to be. You were the best, you were. As far as the best there is, or the best there ever will be… will, time has made you a liar Bret. And I’m about to make you a liar again. On Warfare you said that you were the best there is, was, and ever will be. Well, strike one. You said that the Excellence of Execution still had what it takes to get the job done… that’ll be strike two. You said that no man in the EBWF today will stop you? Uhhh well, that’ll be strike 3. BUT! In your defence… I guess I’m not really part of the EBWF yet. Let me fix that right now. Excuse me. Sorry about this. I sometimes get ahead of myself.

*A phone is heard being dialled, followed by a ring tone. A voice mumbles on the other line.*



Mr. Ross, you’ve been calling for quite sometime, but I’m happy to say I will finally join the EBWF Roster. I signed the papers and they are on their way to you now. I am also excited to say that I’m ready now and I’ll be making my debut in the Royal Rumble match. 



*The voice on the other line is faintly heard once more.* 



WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ALL THE SPOTS ARE FULL!? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? DAMN IT!

* The voice again faintly crackles above the static * 



I FUCKING KNOW IT’S TONIGHT I’M ON MY WAY THERE NOW! FUCK! FUCK!

CUT THE CAMERA.



*A loud unmistakable smashing sound is heard as a smartphone explodes into thousands of pieces. Over the static you can see the mysterious outline of a man pacing back and forth, obviously frustrated by the seemingly unexpected news. As the Static fades away. *

——————————————————————————————————————————-

*During the Rumble broadcast, A Facebook Live Video is discovered secretly broadcasting from the front seat of a Limo. The Limo driver looks into the camera and whispers to his audience.* 



Limo Driver: *whispers* So… uhhh… I’m probably going to get fired for this, but fuck it! I got sent to pick up this new EBWF Superstar and his two friends. I’m not much of a wrestling fan, but this seems like a big deal and they’re talking about something pretty passionately… I’ll broadcast for as long as I can…. here you go.

* The driver flips the camera around to fax into the back seat, and three large men are gathered at the back of the limo, but it’s nearly impossible to see who any of them are thanks to the phone’s low quality camera and the darkness of the limo. Two of them seem to have their backs to the camera, with the third switching his focus between the other two.* 




You know what… I don’t need the Rumble, I make history wherever I go. Whoever wins the Rumble will become the World Champion, which I guess means that I’ll just have to go and headline Wrestlemania instead! Just another day at the office I guess…. FUCK. 

What’s Worse is THERE ISN’T A THING ANYONE IN THIS RUMBLE COULD’VE DONE TO STOP ME EITHER!!

Who is gonna stop me? Chris Jericho in at number one? Chris Jericho a man with whom many have said I could put on a show for the ages if given the opportunity? 1人の翼のある天使がChris Jericho DEADを止めるだろう ! Oh uh…sorry about that. I gotta get that out of my system because a lot of the idiotic Americans here will think something is wrong if everything isn’t spoon fed to them. Listen boys… Jericho, a fellow Canadian… I doubt that he would’ve still been around by the time I would’ve made it into the Rumble, but if he had, Canadian X would’ve made real quick work of you. Lionsaults and the Walls of Jericho may have won him championships across the world, but they aren’t going to win him this Rumble. Besides he seems too distracted. First he gets all bent out of shape about Bret Hart getting the lazy man’s spot that he walks right into the worst spot imaginable. Jimmy Havoc has gotten into the mind of Jericho and is playing him like a fiddle. 29 other men get to walk out after him and each have a better shot than he does… but at least they get a shot right? Can’t believe I left this to the last minute…. STUPID STUPID STUPID….

JIMMY HAVOC! He’s the GM right now! YES! He can get me into this…. wait… he’s number two. He won’t make room for me and cost himself the EBWF Championship… mwhahahaa you see what I did there boys? No? ugh. Either way, he wouldn’t make room for me just so I could CLEAN him and everyone else UP! I see Havoc following the long line of GMs that came before him. Putting himself ahead of the good of the company. If he had any business sense he WOULD take himself out and put me in his place. Maybe that’s the way in… maybe that’s the ticket that I need…. or maybe he’s just as corrupt and selfish as I think he is. He’s Kevin Nash, He’s Eric Bischoff, he’s Wes Ikeda… he’s just like all of those who came before him. Regardless, he’s so focused on making life hard for Chris Jericho, he can’t see what’s best for business or even WHO is the best IN the business. Because I am the best and I’m not allowed a spot in the Rumble despite now being a part of the active roster for like seventeen seconds. 

Which is about how long the Miz would last in the ring with a man such as myself. He may be the Gateway Champion now and a former World Champion in his own right, but he can’t hold a candle to what I’ve accomplished in my career across the globe, and he’ll be dwarfed by what I’m about to accomplish in the EBWF, Rumble debut or not. I don’t need a championship with Pass Go and Collect $200 gift card attached to it, like the Miz. The very man who is terrified to cash in his opportunity because he knows he’ll blow it, waiting for the easy money to fall in line. We’ll your time has passed Miz, your opportunity has set sail. I might not have a spot in the Rumble, but I make my own destiny. I don’t need the guarantee, I don’t need the yellow brick road. Plus he has delusions of grandeur thinking he’s the creme of crop in absentia. If Miz were here right now, I’d say, “you may think you’re the “top champ” right now because the World Title is vacant, but Mandy Rose would make you her bitch any day!”

*Under the passing streetlights, you can faintly make out the scraggly hair and large aviator glasses that interrupting the Royal Rumble video feed earlier in the night. He half-assedly laughs at his own humour and the other two seem to be a distracted and not paying attention to him.*



Then you got Dean Ambrose and Chris Hero and Mike Kanellis trying to figure out which of them is the biggest bitch going. First you got Dean Ambrose, who bitches out at every opportunity to make an impact. He chokes at King of the Ring, he chokes at making a difference, and he’ll choke on his way to the finish line tonight. He may have finally caught a break because I don’t have a spot in the show, but at least I wouldn’t choke like he will. I could’ve easily replaced anyone of these guys and given the fans their actual monies worth. Something guys like the breakout champion can’t seem to do. Chris Hero gets to pull double duty, but the people don’t want Chris Hero… they want someone…. cleaner. First he gets to defend his Breakout championship, and then he’ll get to walk into the ring in the fifth spot, and see if he can’t make it five minutes. Fortunately for Chris Hero, I don’t think his belt is in much danger from the Velveteen Dream to who appears to be in la-la land thinking he has a shot at winning the Rumble, even if i’m not in it! The Villian however… he might have something to say about it… but then you got the biggest bitch of them all in Mike Kanellis. Man, TONE IT DOWN. If he loved wrestling the way he and Maria love themselves, he might just be able to make a difference in the ring. Instead someone could bring a mirror to ringside, and he’d eliminate himself to kiss his reflection.

Reflection though… that’s close. PJ Black. Some might say we have a similar trajectory - I know would. Hell, now that I apparently don’t even get to be in the Rumble until 2019, I think I might just make PJ Black my pick to win. He was runner up last year and had one of the most dominant runs the EBWF has ever seen, so I would say he would be the most likely guy for me to face and completely embarrass at Wrestlemania. Unlike others… if the man loses a Championship - you KNOW he’s hungry to get it back. I gotta say, I see it. That Drive. That determination. He’s got it. I mean, no where NEAR as much as I do, but he has got my money on who is gonna win. What are the odds on this thing anyway? Hey, Hey… Nick - Matt - I know it’s fucking sweet you’re here with me right now, but maybe you can do me a favour instead of just DMing every single chick that likes your posts on Instagram, maybe we can alI place some fucking money on this Rumble. If I can’t win it, you can be damn sure I’m gonna make some mutha’fuckin Monnnnaaayyyy from it. WOO!

* The three of them seems to all dig into their phones. The one doing all the talking perks his up first, and looks out the window as street lights continue to pass by. His face is masked by the back of the head of one of the other tho, but you can now make out his leather jacket. He quickly turns back to the other two with a big smile in his voice. * 



Oh, I just thought of something great. I know Jeff Hardy is in this thing tonight, and I’m sure we’ll all get to watch him throw himself all over the ring, and probably right out of the match, which is what I would do if this freaking company would realize the opportunity they’re missing by not letting me debut in the rumble. Debuting and becoming champion would be something UNREAL. I can imagine it… but but - hey, actually imagine if Matt Hardy were in this tonight? We could be all like - ELITE, ELITE, ELITE - and do the whole thing with the arm… 



* He quietly laughs to himself while one of the other two, first clears their throat, then speaks up and corrects him. *



 Delete.

*A loud frustrated sigh is heard*

Yeah I know… It’s a fucking joke man. God damnit, a joke. Like Rey Mysterio making a comeback and thinking he’s gonna make a dent at 4 foot 3, age 43. He may have done it all - ALL OVA the world, but this isn’t the time OR the place. Although that 619 area code is not too far away. Maybe that’s why he’s here. A quick drive down to the arena tonight. Gets to go out. Slap some hands. have some fun, which is all good. It’s great. It just means that it’ll be a quick drive back. Man, if I could’ve had a spot in this thing, I would’ve run through this crowd like a freight train. And who could stop a freight train? Not Tommy Chimpo that’s for sure.



* A few laughs are heard * 



Oh sure, you two laugh at that but the Delete/Elite one is silence. Nice. Yeah Tommaso Ciampo. His brother, Johnny Chimpo, had that appearance in SuperTroopers, which was great and he’s obviously the more successful of the two monkeys. Talking to some High One that can’t hear you. But I guess that’s something this Rumble has in spades. Monkeys. Monkeys like Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens, who shame their good Canadian name with their incompetence and inability to GET. THE JOB. - DONE. Guys like Noam Dar and Tyler Breeze who have forgotten that Wrestling isn’t supposed to be a beauty contest, it’s supposed to be a battle to find out who is the best man on any. given. night. Somehow they’re tag team champions, but they’ve lost sight of the big picture man. You know Good guys vs Bad Guys. Guys like The Rock and Bobby Roode and Edge playing the Heroes, and of course The Villains… like Marty Scurll. You know what guys? I am happy to see Marty land here in the EBWF. I think he's going to make a real difference here. You know… that actually give me an idea. A villain doesn’t play by the rules does he Marty? A villain doesn’t have time to wait for society to catch up to him or ask permission…. Surprise!



Surprise Surprise, The Destiny Flower has blossomed with another brilliant idea. Three surprise entrants remain unnamed…and I know none of them are me… - Nick. Matt. It’s not either of you trying to steal my thunder is it?!



*They both respond *



 Nah dude. We’re still sorted contractually barred from being anywhere near the arena. That’s why you aren’t saying our full names remember. Nick and Matt could be anybody. And you wanted to get it out of your system first.


Shhhhhhhhhuttttt up. Shutt up. How are we not at the arena yet? You said it was like six minutes away an hour ago? 



Uhh yeah, but we decided we wanted In - N - Out Burger remember?



Oh right. In and Out like Syxx at the Rumble tonight? Ha! An industry legend reduced to a math joke, then tied into half-assed burger joke segue. You know things for Syxx were pretty sweet for a long time. The man competed with legends and went toe to toe with the best… but he could never get that one…two…three when it counted. Lucky for him, One two three isn’t required tonight. Also lucky for him, I’m not in the match, because the EBWF has forgotten how important destiny is. And they’ve also forgotten you that you can’t stop destiny! The same way everyone will again forget about Syxx, six hours after The Best Bout Machine finally gets to do what he does best. MAKE HISTORY.



*There is a long pause before a different voice perks up again* 



What? No segue tying history to another one of the guys in the Rumble? Why the long monologue anyway? It’s just the three of us back here anyway. You already found out they aren’t letting you in Rumble. Wha—



I WASN’T FINISHED. It’s called a DRAMATIC PAUSE. They are important for building the tension. Completely opposite to the dramatic flaws guys like Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, and Samoa Joe have. Being these huge, imposing forces just creates a massive target on your back. They enter the ring and the entire roster turns against them in a bid for survival. I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to make it in this place…

You gotta do… what you gotta do…. hmmm.

You know this whole thing started with Bret Hart being all cocky on Warfare a couple weeks ago if I’m honest, and then Mick Foley comes out after literally donating his body to the science of wrestling and acts as if he can best 29 other guys to become Champion again… now Bret Hart may be cocky, but Mick Foley is just straight up delusional. This is Warfare, it’s not the Monday Night Wars he’s used to. Mick, is a god damn legend and no one can take that away from him, but some punk at home is gonna toss him over the top rope tonight and get a special little PS4 trophy out of it down the road because they eliminated him on their video game too, just like some nobody like A. J. STYLLESSS might. 

Actually Here’s a segue for you Nick.

AJaaaayyyyyyy. I see he's carved out quite a name for himself here in the EBWF. World Champion a few times over, but what’s that word… transition? He seems like a bit of a transition champion… hell, it seems like he can only get stuff done in the winter months. Does he just take the summer off or something? Or does the pressure of actually performing at that calibre over an extended period of time just completely wear him down and exhaust him? I suppose that’ll be a big advantage for him coming out so late in the game then. At number 26 if I remember correctly. You boys know if I had been given the opportunity to be in this match, he would’ve been one of the guys who got a lot of my attention. Because as much as it seems the EBWF has brought out the best in him and made him a multi-time World Champion, on any given day of the week, I’m still better than he is and I know that just kills him. I know that all his success here has made him soft. I know that 25 men could’ve somehow been eliminated before he even got in the ring, and I know that if I could somehow get into that ring tonight and stand in the middle of that ring - face to face….well. One Katayoko No Tenshi, and it would be GOOD NIGHT AJ. But if I’m wrong, and PJ Black doesn’t pull out the big win in my frustrating and disappointing absence… if AJ somehow pulls this off, I don’t know that I would wait to Wrestlemania to become EBWF World Heavyweight Champion, I might just take that title from him at Fallout instead, and then go on to Main Event Wrestlemania as the defending Champion instead. That sounds a little TOO SWEE—


*One of the voices cuts him off*

Uhh, remember you can’t say that anymore.



I DON’T CARE! I. DON’T. CARRRRRE! I don’t care. TOO SWEET. See. I did it. Fuck the lawyers. We’re driving in the back of limo. Stop being so freaking cautious all time. And don’t interrupt me again. I was just about to go for the big finish. 



Big finish? Did you forget about Randy Orton?


Randy Orton? NO I Didn’t forget about Randy Orton! How do you forget about Randy Fucking Orton. But how do you prepare for Randy Orton? He’s coming in at 29, he’ll be fucking ready to go, with a full tank. Scratch AJ Styles… maybe Randy Orton is the guy to win it all if PJ Black can’t go the distance. You know, there is a lot that I am going to accomplish during my time in the EBWF, and one of them is standing toe to toe with the Viper, looking him in the eyes, and saying “you don’t have what it takes to clean my ring gear” and then kicking his ass from one end of the country to the other, because NOBODY can hold a fucking candle to me. Because I am the best. I am more talented. I have more drive. I have more determination, I am unlike ANYONE that has come before me, or will come after me.



 *The Limo driver quickly grabbed his phone and was scrambling to turn it off as he announced….*

Limo Driver: Welcome to Talking Stick Resort Arena and Welcome to the EBWF! Welcome to The Royal Rumble!

Yeah yeah man…. keep it in your pants alright. It’s a freaking arena, it’s not the god damn Tokyo Dome. Boys, enjoy the show the show tonight. I think I’ve got a plan all laid out, and once I’m done the EBWF will never be the same. All of the fans and all the boys in the back, will grovel at my feet, and treat let like the King I am… in fact, let me go above and beyond that… I’m gonna say it boys….

* He whispers *

They’ll treat me like a god.



 Oh Wow, uhh okay. You haven’t even stepped foot in the ring yet. You aren’t even in the Rumb -



I DON’T NEED A SPOT IN THE RUMBLE TO WIN IT. I make my own destiny. I make my own path. I AM HISTORY AND I AM GOING TO WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND BECOME EBWF WORLD CHAMPION.

I WILL SURVIVE!

クリーナーは繁栄するでしょう！


Are you seriously cutting a promo on us right now? In the back of a limo?



Shut up! I don’t have a spot in the rumble and I gotta get all this out of me. I can’t help it. Let a man vent. Let a man have his peace will you…. Gawd.

Alright man… finish your promo then.

Ah Ah ah. Ah ah ah…. Shuuutttt upp. This is my time. I am the main event. I will have the best bout of the night…. My work here is far from you, so for now, I must bid you adieu… so until next time….




GOOD BYEEEE (MWAH)…

and

GOOD NIGHT! - BANG!


* The man stepped out of the limo and slammed the door shut leaving two in the back as the Limo began to pull away again. *

He is unbelievable.

* The phone finally stopped broadcasting. *


——————————————————————————————————————————-

* As the excitement of EBWF Royal Rumble roared on, the now familiar interruption quieted the raucous crowd.



* A man dressed in black jeans, with a black hooded sweatshirt on stepped out from behind the curtain. The crowd had a mixed reaction as the man's identity was still hidden. He paused at the top, but only looked at the ground. He continued down the ramp and into the middle of the ring, and then he pulled a microphone out of his sweater, but never looked up. *

Jiko shōkai sa sete kudasai. Watashinonamaeha kurīnādesu. Watashi wa anata no mae ni hitorihitori no mokuteki no tame ni koko ni kimashita. 1Tsu no mokuteki de watashi wa rekishi o tsukuru tame ni koko ni iru. Watashi wa EBWF sekai hebī-kyū chanpion ni naru tame ni koko ni iru! Nanika mondai no chōshūdesu ka? Rekishi-tekina koto o kitai shite imasu ka? Sate, watashi wa anata ni watashi ga roiyaruranburu ni naru koto o tsutaeru saisho no hito ni sa sete kudasai. Watashi wa Bret Hart no kyaria o owara seru tsumori de, watashi wa kare no tokoro ni iku tsumoridesu. Watashi wa rekishi o tsukurou to shite imasu. Dare mo ima watashi o tomeru koto wa dekimasen. PJ Black wa naku, MIZ de wa naku, Bray Wyatt wa naku, Chris Jericho wa naku, Jimmy Havoc wa naku, hitotsude wa arimasen! Īe! Ima watashi wa subete no himitsu o shazai shimasu, watashi wa mada jibun jishin o akiraka ni suru koto ga dekinai koto o owabi shimasuga, odoroki no yōso wa ima, watashi no saikō no bukidesu.

Ima wa hitotsu no koto ga arimasu, watashi wa kon'ya anata hitorihitori ga shirita gatte imasu. Soshite, kore wa jūyōdesu. Watashi wa anata no tame ni sukoshi demo ki ni shimasen. Anata wa watashi no shita no subetedesu. Anata wa watashi ga jikkō suru koto o miru koto ga dekimasunode, anata wa subete no kōun'na monodesu. Watashi wa anata no jinsei o yori yoku suru yō ni narunode, watashi ni megumarete, watashi o hataraka sete kudasai. Watashi wa anata no tame ni EBWF ni konakatta. Watashi wa okane no tame ni koko ni kita. ... Watashi wa josei no tame ni koko ni kita, watashi wa eikō to meisei no tame ni koko ni kita! Kore wa watashi no tame ni ofisu de chōdo betsu no hidesu. Watashi wa anata no shokuba ni kite, sakebigoe o agenainode, damatte shigoto o shite kudasai. Koko de watashi wa koko ni modotte iku tsumoridesu. Jikkō no yūetsu-sha no shigoto o owara se, kurīnā no kyaria o hajimeru junbi o suru tsumoridesu. Watashi wa watashi no tame ni kore o shinai. Watashi wa buretto no tame ni kore o okonau. Kare ga sore o tomeru toki o shiranainara, watashi wa kare o hontōni subayaku misete, kare no tame ni sono kettei o kudasu tsumoridesu. Sō...

GOOD BYEEE (MWAH!)

and...

GOOD NIGHT! - BANG!