DC 4/16: Come Sail Away
Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:13 pm
The distinctive screech of seagulls cuts through the soothing sound of lapping waves. We watch them fly overhead through the lens flare-inducing sunlight, then pan down to the delightful sight of a small pod of dolphins frolicking in the wake of a vessel. They leap over the ripples trailing the ship. Pulling back over the rear-railing, we can start to get a sense of scale now. This is a large boat. Swiveling to our left, we can see Scottish superstar Grado casting a fishing line over one side, holding a vintage brass Hardy Bros. reel and clad in a snazzy teal and gold jumpsuit.
Two strapping young men in similar jumpsuits stand nearby, arguing over a map as the camera swoops by and enters a cabin on the boat. Another jumpsuit model carries a sextant from one side of the tastefully and symmetrically designed cabin to the other as we continue through and up a staircase in the center of the room. As we emerge back into the sunlight, we see a man in a blue sailor’s jacket, red ascot, and jaunty white sailing cap. He surveys the sea with one leg perched forward and a pipe in his mouth. He turns towards the camera.
“Salutations! I’m Dalton Castle and THIS! Is my BOAT! Welcome aboard the S.S. Ashley Remington! Since I was blessed with a week off to recuperate from our GRUELING Wrestlemania match and subsequent hard-fought title DEFENSE, I decided to take the ol’ girl out on the big blue and enjoy some DEEP relaxing. Come…let me tell you about my boat.”
The lights come up on a life size bisected model of the S.S. Ashley Remington. Boys in their matching jumpsuits go about their work. The camera pans from room to room as Dalton describes the vessel. “The Remington was an Exxon-Mobil executive’s write-off during 2008 housing crisis, which we bought at a police auction for $25,000. This is a framed picture of someone’s uncle. He’s probably dead now. The sauna was designed by an engineer from the Chinese space program, and we keep a Swedish masseuse on staff. Here’s where we do our different calisthenics, Hindu squats and so on. This is the kitchen, which is kept fully stocked with dairy products and freshly-caught fish. For the Boys’ education, we have a top-notch library with a complete first-season set of Buffy the Vampire on VHS. We film our own promos and keep a cutting room onboard so we can do edits between shooting. This is the observation bubble, which I think is where the old owner did cocaine, actually. Two Albino janitors clean the bottom of the ship. They’re supposedly just really pale white guys, although I’ve never seen any evidence of it. Here is the engine room. The bearing casings aren’t supposed to look like that, but I think they did cocaine on those too. Topside we’ve got the bridge, the minifridge, an old Sea-Doo, and all kinds of radar and sonar and underwater movie gadgets.” The lights go down. We cut back to Dalton as he blows bubbles out of his pipe.
“As you can see, the S.S. Ashley Remington is an engineering marvel. So I’m sure YOU’D appreciate it, Seth Rollins. Unless you’re not ACTUALLY an Architect, but no matter. I was so EXCITED when they announced that this week on Warfare, it would be Castle v Rollins, Champion versus Champion, ECKS VS SEVER! I put the entire locker room, the entire wrestling WORLD on notice that I was bringing new life to the Gateway Championship, that I was drawing a line in the sand, that I was declaring MYSELF as the litmus test for what it takes to be champion in EBWF. Seth Rollins, you are holding a belt. Now it’s time to prove you deserve it. It’s time for you to step up and declare what YOUR title is all about. Because we ALL know you are a SPECTACULAR wrestler with many moves…”
Cut to a montage of Seth Rollins hitting various moves on his opponents over British Invasion music. Each clip is from the same distance from the ring and the same angle, and as each move lands it is described in yellow Futura font on the screen. SUPERKICK. PHEONIX SPLASH. PEDIGREE. BLOCKBUSTER. THE DEAL. CURBSTOMP.
Cut back to Dalton shaking his head. “And you’re a quick one, aren’t you? Sometimes, you may even be a little bit too fast, eh, Seth? Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Well, almost everyone.” He blows more bubbles from his pipe. “You’re gonna need ALLLL that speed, ALLL that fancy footwork, Seth, because if these arms get you, it’s over, my friend. We’ll see exactly how HIGH you can fly when I’m tossing you all over the RING, buddy! Like my very best special friend in the whole wide world would say, you’re about to take out a lease on these hands, and the rates are NOT favorable to you!”
Dalton turns towards the ocean and breathes in the salty air before letting out a long sigh. “The tides are changing, Sethy Baby. Guys like you and me, we are a part of a great new wave, wiping the past clean and rebuilding EBWF in our image. Years from now, a generation will be talking about how they saw the Breakout champion versus the Gateway champion, the first of many matches between Dalton Castle and Seth Rollins, and how it inspired them to become wrestlers. Don’t disappoint the World Champion of 2035, Seth. Put on your working boots and don your bumping pants, because I’ll be dropping my anchor and picking up my Bangarang. It should be the start of a great new adventure.”
A Portuguese-language cover of a David Bowie deep cut creeps onto the soundtrack as bubbles slowly float out of the pipe and drift up towards the clouds.
Two strapping young men in similar jumpsuits stand nearby, arguing over a map as the camera swoops by and enters a cabin on the boat. Another jumpsuit model carries a sextant from one side of the tastefully and symmetrically designed cabin to the other as we continue through and up a staircase in the center of the room. As we emerge back into the sunlight, we see a man in a blue sailor’s jacket, red ascot, and jaunty white sailing cap. He surveys the sea with one leg perched forward and a pipe in his mouth. He turns towards the camera.
“Salutations! I’m Dalton Castle and THIS! Is my BOAT! Welcome aboard the S.S. Ashley Remington! Since I was blessed with a week off to recuperate from our GRUELING Wrestlemania match and subsequent hard-fought title DEFENSE, I decided to take the ol’ girl out on the big blue and enjoy some DEEP relaxing. Come…let me tell you about my boat.”
The lights come up on a life size bisected model of the S.S. Ashley Remington. Boys in their matching jumpsuits go about their work. The camera pans from room to room as Dalton describes the vessel. “The Remington was an Exxon-Mobil executive’s write-off during 2008 housing crisis, which we bought at a police auction for $25,000. This is a framed picture of someone’s uncle. He’s probably dead now. The sauna was designed by an engineer from the Chinese space program, and we keep a Swedish masseuse on staff. Here’s where we do our different calisthenics, Hindu squats and so on. This is the kitchen, which is kept fully stocked with dairy products and freshly-caught fish. For the Boys’ education, we have a top-notch library with a complete first-season set of Buffy the Vampire on VHS. We film our own promos and keep a cutting room onboard so we can do edits between shooting. This is the observation bubble, which I think is where the old owner did cocaine, actually. Two Albino janitors clean the bottom of the ship. They’re supposedly just really pale white guys, although I’ve never seen any evidence of it. Here is the engine room. The bearing casings aren’t supposed to look like that, but I think they did cocaine on those too. Topside we’ve got the bridge, the minifridge, an old Sea-Doo, and all kinds of radar and sonar and underwater movie gadgets.” The lights go down. We cut back to Dalton as he blows bubbles out of his pipe.
“As you can see, the S.S. Ashley Remington is an engineering marvel. So I’m sure YOU’D appreciate it, Seth Rollins. Unless you’re not ACTUALLY an Architect, but no matter. I was so EXCITED when they announced that this week on Warfare, it would be Castle v Rollins, Champion versus Champion, ECKS VS SEVER! I put the entire locker room, the entire wrestling WORLD on notice that I was bringing new life to the Gateway Championship, that I was drawing a line in the sand, that I was declaring MYSELF as the litmus test for what it takes to be champion in EBWF. Seth Rollins, you are holding a belt. Now it’s time to prove you deserve it. It’s time for you to step up and declare what YOUR title is all about. Because we ALL know you are a SPECTACULAR wrestler with many moves…”
Cut to a montage of Seth Rollins hitting various moves on his opponents over British Invasion music. Each clip is from the same distance from the ring and the same angle, and as each move lands it is described in yellow Futura font on the screen. SUPERKICK. PHEONIX SPLASH. PEDIGREE. BLOCKBUSTER. THE DEAL. CURBSTOMP.
Cut back to Dalton shaking his head. “And you’re a quick one, aren’t you? Sometimes, you may even be a little bit too fast, eh, Seth? Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Well, almost everyone.” He blows more bubbles from his pipe. “You’re gonna need ALLLL that speed, ALLL that fancy footwork, Seth, because if these arms get you, it’s over, my friend. We’ll see exactly how HIGH you can fly when I’m tossing you all over the RING, buddy! Like my very best special friend in the whole wide world would say, you’re about to take out a lease on these hands, and the rates are NOT favorable to you!”
Dalton turns towards the ocean and breathes in the salty air before letting out a long sigh. “The tides are changing, Sethy Baby. Guys like you and me, we are a part of a great new wave, wiping the past clean and rebuilding EBWF in our image. Years from now, a generation will be talking about how they saw the Breakout champion versus the Gateway champion, the first of many matches between Dalton Castle and Seth Rollins, and how it inspired them to become wrestlers. Don’t disappoint the World Champion of 2035, Seth. Put on your working boots and don your bumping pants, because I’ll be dropping my anchor and picking up my Bangarang. It should be the start of a great new adventure.”
A Portuguese-language cover of a David Bowie deep cut creeps onto the soundtrack as bubbles slowly float out of the pipe and drift up towards the clouds.