Reading the Comments With Cody
Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:56 pm
“I am going scratch and claw and bleed all my way to the top of this business, grab ahold of that brass ring, rip that sucker off and never give it up. I am going to take over this hellhole and then burn it to the ground, because that's what each and every one of you deserve: smoldering ash. So I say again...you're. Welcome.”
With that, Cody throws his mic on the ground and rolls out of the ring and...wait, haven’t we seen this before? The footage is grainy, as if being shot on a screen, and it becomes clear that we are watching a replay of events from last week’s Warfare. There’s Chris Jericho, coming up behind to confront Cody Rhodes, only for the newest addition to the EBWF roster to spin Jericho around and plant him with a snap Cross Rhodes. and as the move hits we hear the voice of Cody Rhodes laughing. The footage then backs up and replays the brutal move, and then again. As the move gets played over and over again, our camera pans back to reveal Cody Rhodes sitting in an office, wearing another of his trademark three-piece suits, watching the footage. The office is definitely a nice one, with all walls being built-in bookshelves stacked to the ceiling. Cody seems to be relishing watching the Cross Rhodes over and over again, before he finally acknowledges the camera.
Cody Rhodes: Haha, classic. Hi kids, this is Cody Rhodes, your once and future King here at EBWF. And I was just watching last week’s historical return of yours truly to the trashcan dumpster fire that is Warfare. As you might remember, yours truly came back and said a few...well let’s say controversial things on air. But you know where there’s controversy, there’s bound to be some truth, and it seems like my less than charitable take on the current state of EBWF touches a few nerves. I mean as soon as this video clip got uploaded to EBWF.net, it became the number one watched video in the site’s history, I have to assume. And I think it’s fair to say that it got some people talking. So as we move towards your future world champions in-ring debut, I figured we would stop and take a moment to break the cardinal rule #1 of the internet...and read some comments. This is...Reading the Comments, with Cody Rhodes.
A logo for the newly branded segment fills the screen, along with a sing-song chorus of Motown style singers warbling the title. We quickly cut back to the office, where Cody is clicking through the comments and then finally stops on one.
Cody Rhodes: Here we go, ‘HavocRules420’ here says “What a show of disrespect from Rhodes, always knew he was a jerk and this just confirms it.” Well HavocRules420, if that is your real name, I think respect is bit of a two way street, don’t you? I mean where was the respect that companies like EBWF showed me for years? When I spent years in my family’s shadow, being considered an also ran, when I was told to cover myself in clown make-up and shout gibberish. But then when I have made a name for myself, by own hard work, the expectation is that I am going to come back here and act like I was always grateful for the shot? To kiss the ring and be a good little soldier for the company line? The truth is, respect is earned, not given, and as far as I’m concerned there’s a serious lack of respect to go around right now and start calling names. Which, by the way, if it took me to dump an has-been on his ass for the world to see to prove to you that I can be a jerk, that’s on you for not paying attention up until now. Next comment!
Cody clicks through a few more before he finds another worth commenting on.
Cody Rhodes: Oh, here’s a good one! “Bullethead” here says, ‘I hope that Cody brings along some of the Bullet Club energy into the EBWF, we’re ready for a shake up.’ Yes, because nothing says ‘shake up’ like showing up with a gimmick that worked for someone else somewhere else, and has been driven into the ground thanks to blockbuster t-shirt sales. You see, just like EBWF, the reality is that Bullet Club is a shadow of its former self at this point, and certainly isn’t something that is going to light a fire under anyone’s ass. Rather than running through the same old ‘Oh, is Cody going to take over the Club, who’s going to join next’ B-grade NWO rehash, wouldn’t you rather we do something new? Something unexpected?
Cody pauses for a bit before giving a big, condescending laugh.
Cody Rhodes: Sorry, little joke there. Of course you don’t actually want anything new, Bulletmoron, you are happy to be feed the same slop again and again and again. You would be happy to see new incarnations of Bullet Club until the heat death of the universe, the same way you get off on whenever there is some plucky, iconoclast working-class hero to fight the evil corporate overlords because you know what you like and don’t want to be challenged by the new. The exceptional. When something pushes you to see things new, you simply run back to your safe zones. Well tough break, snowflake, you’re going to have to deal with the fact there is no Bullet Club, there is no Elite, there’s simply the best damn thing in this business today, the American Nightmare, kicking ass and leaving no question who the best in the business is. Next comment.
Cody’s mood seems to have soured some as he returns to clicking through comments until he gets to one to makes him laugh out loud.
Cody Rhodes: Okay, this one has to be a joke. “Jericho is going to make Cody pay for this.” Yeah, okay, maybe if this was 1998 and I was 13-years-old. You think that Jericho, who was on hands and knees trying to get me to come back to his little anthill of a company, would last ten minutes in a ring with me? Hell, five? Let’s look at the tape again!
Cody scans back up to the video, backing it up again to show the crushing Cross Rhodes, that seeming to improve his mood again.
Cody Rhodes: Boom! You see?! And you think that old fossil can hold candle to me? This ain’t 90s border town, backroom lucha matches, Chris, your days are done. So feel free to hang around and negotiate contracts, but if you think for a moment that you can hang with me, at the level that I am at right now? You got another thing coming. And yes, I am assuming it was you who wrote this comment, because clearly whoever did is a giant dumb ass and you’re the biggest stupid idiot I know. Next. Comment!
Cody furiously slaps they keyboard which that isn’t even how you can comment but whatever. He eventually smiles again as he finds one he likes and stops there.
Cody Rhodes: And finally, “BurnItDown69”--nice--says, “We’ll see how much Cody is talking trash after his match with Bobby Roode.” Yes, we will see, won’t we? We’ll all see when I make my in-ring debut for EBWF for all the Okies in OKC. Going one-on-one with the Glorious One himself, Bobby Roode. Which, if we were having a battle of theme songs? Definitely, very intimidated. But unfortunately for you, Roode, it’s not that. It’s a wrestling match. And we both know when it comes to a brawl, I got you beat in a walk. Not even going to break a sweat. So do your whole dog and pony show, pose and strut, do it for the cheap seat because when that bell rings, it’ll be over in record time, flat. You’ll suffer the same fate as Jericho, or anyone else who thinks they’re going to stand in the way of my destiny. Because this nightmare isn’t ending any time soon, and ths whole locker room is stuck in it. It started last week, it continues this week, and it’s over when I say it is! When all the doubters and cynics and little piss-pants whiners have finally shut up. You wanna know why I read the comments? Because the fuel me. They fill me up. Your projections, your petty complaints. They make me realize just how important it is that I’m here. To save you. To elevate this product to new heights. So when Bobby Roode lays in the center of the ring, broken, defeated, humiliated, know this: I don’t do this for me. I do it for you. I do it so that you won’t be subjected to week after week of the same schlock. I do it...because someone has to. And I know, I know, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. But it is never any less true, so...you’re welcome.”
With that Cody Rhodes walks out of the shot, leaving just the video behind on the computer screen, left playing on a loop, showing Jericho taking the Cross Rhodes hard against the ground again and again and again. The camera slowly fades to black.
With that, Cody throws his mic on the ground and rolls out of the ring and...wait, haven’t we seen this before? The footage is grainy, as if being shot on a screen, and it becomes clear that we are watching a replay of events from last week’s Warfare. There’s Chris Jericho, coming up behind to confront Cody Rhodes, only for the newest addition to the EBWF roster to spin Jericho around and plant him with a snap Cross Rhodes. and as the move hits we hear the voice of Cody Rhodes laughing. The footage then backs up and replays the brutal move, and then again. As the move gets played over and over again, our camera pans back to reveal Cody Rhodes sitting in an office, wearing another of his trademark three-piece suits, watching the footage. The office is definitely a nice one, with all walls being built-in bookshelves stacked to the ceiling. Cody seems to be relishing watching the Cross Rhodes over and over again, before he finally acknowledges the camera.
Cody Rhodes: Haha, classic. Hi kids, this is Cody Rhodes, your once and future King here at EBWF. And I was just watching last week’s historical return of yours truly to the trashcan dumpster fire that is Warfare. As you might remember, yours truly came back and said a few...well let’s say controversial things on air. But you know where there’s controversy, there’s bound to be some truth, and it seems like my less than charitable take on the current state of EBWF touches a few nerves. I mean as soon as this video clip got uploaded to EBWF.net, it became the number one watched video in the site’s history, I have to assume. And I think it’s fair to say that it got some people talking. So as we move towards your future world champions in-ring debut, I figured we would stop and take a moment to break the cardinal rule #1 of the internet...and read some comments. This is...Reading the Comments, with Cody Rhodes.
A logo for the newly branded segment fills the screen, along with a sing-song chorus of Motown style singers warbling the title. We quickly cut back to the office, where Cody is clicking through the comments and then finally stops on one.
Cody Rhodes: Here we go, ‘HavocRules420’ here says “What a show of disrespect from Rhodes, always knew he was a jerk and this just confirms it.” Well HavocRules420, if that is your real name, I think respect is bit of a two way street, don’t you? I mean where was the respect that companies like EBWF showed me for years? When I spent years in my family’s shadow, being considered an also ran, when I was told to cover myself in clown make-up and shout gibberish. But then when I have made a name for myself, by own hard work, the expectation is that I am going to come back here and act like I was always grateful for the shot? To kiss the ring and be a good little soldier for the company line? The truth is, respect is earned, not given, and as far as I’m concerned there’s a serious lack of respect to go around right now and start calling names. Which, by the way, if it took me to dump an has-been on his ass for the world to see to prove to you that I can be a jerk, that’s on you for not paying attention up until now. Next comment!
Cody clicks through a few more before he finds another worth commenting on.
Cody Rhodes: Oh, here’s a good one! “Bullethead” here says, ‘I hope that Cody brings along some of the Bullet Club energy into the EBWF, we’re ready for a shake up.’ Yes, because nothing says ‘shake up’ like showing up with a gimmick that worked for someone else somewhere else, and has been driven into the ground thanks to blockbuster t-shirt sales. You see, just like EBWF, the reality is that Bullet Club is a shadow of its former self at this point, and certainly isn’t something that is going to light a fire under anyone’s ass. Rather than running through the same old ‘Oh, is Cody going to take over the Club, who’s going to join next’ B-grade NWO rehash, wouldn’t you rather we do something new? Something unexpected?
Cody pauses for a bit before giving a big, condescending laugh.
Cody Rhodes: Sorry, little joke there. Of course you don’t actually want anything new, Bulletmoron, you are happy to be feed the same slop again and again and again. You would be happy to see new incarnations of Bullet Club until the heat death of the universe, the same way you get off on whenever there is some plucky, iconoclast working-class hero to fight the evil corporate overlords because you know what you like and don’t want to be challenged by the new. The exceptional. When something pushes you to see things new, you simply run back to your safe zones. Well tough break, snowflake, you’re going to have to deal with the fact there is no Bullet Club, there is no Elite, there’s simply the best damn thing in this business today, the American Nightmare, kicking ass and leaving no question who the best in the business is. Next comment.
Cody’s mood seems to have soured some as he returns to clicking through comments until he gets to one to makes him laugh out loud.
Cody Rhodes: Okay, this one has to be a joke. “Jericho is going to make Cody pay for this.” Yeah, okay, maybe if this was 1998 and I was 13-years-old. You think that Jericho, who was on hands and knees trying to get me to come back to his little anthill of a company, would last ten minutes in a ring with me? Hell, five? Let’s look at the tape again!
Cody scans back up to the video, backing it up again to show the crushing Cross Rhodes, that seeming to improve his mood again.
Cody Rhodes: Boom! You see?! And you think that old fossil can hold candle to me? This ain’t 90s border town, backroom lucha matches, Chris, your days are done. So feel free to hang around and negotiate contracts, but if you think for a moment that you can hang with me, at the level that I am at right now? You got another thing coming. And yes, I am assuming it was you who wrote this comment, because clearly whoever did is a giant dumb ass and you’re the biggest stupid idiot I know. Next. Comment!
Cody furiously slaps they keyboard which that isn’t even how you can comment but whatever. He eventually smiles again as he finds one he likes and stops there.
Cody Rhodes: And finally, “BurnItDown69”--nice--says, “We’ll see how much Cody is talking trash after his match with Bobby Roode.” Yes, we will see, won’t we? We’ll all see when I make my in-ring debut for EBWF for all the Okies in OKC. Going one-on-one with the Glorious One himself, Bobby Roode. Which, if we were having a battle of theme songs? Definitely, very intimidated. But unfortunately for you, Roode, it’s not that. It’s a wrestling match. And we both know when it comes to a brawl, I got you beat in a walk. Not even going to break a sweat. So do your whole dog and pony show, pose and strut, do it for the cheap seat because when that bell rings, it’ll be over in record time, flat. You’ll suffer the same fate as Jericho, or anyone else who thinks they’re going to stand in the way of my destiny. Because this nightmare isn’t ending any time soon, and ths whole locker room is stuck in it. It started last week, it continues this week, and it’s over when I say it is! When all the doubters and cynics and little piss-pants whiners have finally shut up. You wanna know why I read the comments? Because the fuel me. They fill me up. Your projections, your petty complaints. They make me realize just how important it is that I’m here. To save you. To elevate this product to new heights. So when Bobby Roode lays in the center of the ring, broken, defeated, humiliated, know this: I don’t do this for me. I do it for you. I do it so that you won’t be subjected to week after week of the same schlock. I do it...because someone has to. And I know, I know, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. But it is never any less true, so...you’re welcome.”
With that Cody Rhodes walks out of the shot, leaving just the video behind on the computer screen, left playing on a loop, showing Jericho taking the Cross Rhodes hard against the ground again and again and again. The camera slowly fades to black.