Crazy Ole' Bob

[D.J]

The Miz had retained the EBWF Championship at Royal Rumble- an event that saw him win his first ever EBWF Title- and had always been very good to him. The victory he earned over Tommy End, led to him getting one step closer to main eventing yet another Wrestlemania. After not appearing on last week's Warfare due to a press junket- The champ would be back in action this week as he would be taking on the EBWF Breakout Champion, and wrestling veteran Bob Holly. The two had had many verbal quarrels over the past several weeks on twitter, and it appeared that the EBWF brass wanted to see these two men take their issues into the squared circle. The Miz had no problems with this, as was well documented anytime someone had a louder mouth than his, he was very quick to take issue with it. Hardcore Holly certainly fit this bill, and The EBWF Champion was very excited to try and quiet his soon to be opponent down this week.

The scene opened up at an Old Folks Home in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. The camera quickly panned around the facility as we saw many seniors going about their day. Some played shuffleboard, cards, were enjoying snacks, while others just sat and rested. The doors flew open in the background of the scene and in walked the EBWF World Champion The Miz- along side his fiance Mickie James. Miz wore a gray long sleeve dry fit shirt that read, "Your Favorite Champion's Favorite Champion" and Mickie wore black yoga pants and a pink hoodie. The Miz made his presence felt anywhere that he went, but in a retirement home, with the EBWF World Championship strap over his shoulder.. he stood out in this scene more than most others. Comically, Miz took out a small notebook and had a pen in his hands. He began to furiously take notes as he talked them out to Mickie.

The Miz: Okay Mickie- be careful not to startle any of them. It's important that we let them be natural.. here in their natural habitat.

Mickie looked serious as she listened to Miz.

Mickie James: Got it..

An older gentlemen walked by Mickie and had but one word that would have made Ron Simmons proud.

Older man: Damn...

Mickie James: (loudly) Thank you!!!

The Miz: SHHH!

Mickie James: (whispered) Oh right... sorry babe.

She put her index finger to her mouth to indicate that she would indeed be shhing.

The Miz: Okay so already we see that despite age.. eye sight doesn't necessarily go right away.. I mean that guy who just was checking you out has got to be pushing 80..but he can obviously tell that you're a complete babe.

Mickie James: (Whispered) Awww..

The Miz: I just need to figure out Bob... like what happens in someones brain to make them act like he acts. Is it old age? Is it that he's been hit in the head with a trash can far too much over the years? Does he know what planet we're on? Does he want to live on a different planet? Is there a way I can arrange for that to happen? All really valid questions that I would love to learn the answer to.. let's keep investigating.

The Miz and Mickie made their way over to a pair of older gentlemen who were in the middle of a card game. The camera zoomed in close enough to reveal that they were playing blackjack. Real money was changing hands as there was a pile of one's in the middle of the table.

Man 1: You have 19

Man 2: Hit me..

The Miz lifted his finger as if to say "I don't think you want to do that.." but it was too late, the first man issued the second a King.

Man 1: 29..

Man 2: Damnit! This game is rigged! I can't believe this shit.. week after week I let you take my money... where is my pudding cup!? NURSE!

A younger woman ran into the scene. As the man who was dealing scooped the money off the table.

Nurse: Yes?

Man 2: Where the heck is my pudding cup.. I tell you each week.. after I play cards I really like to enjoy my pudding cup!

Nurse: Of course Jack.. I will get that for you right away.

The Miz smiled just observing this interaction. He wrote down something quick in his pad.

The Miz: Mick.. we've found our guy.

The Miz and Mickie followed Jack and the Nurse to another room. Finally, after an inexplicable amount of time being blissfully clueless, Jack turned to realize that he was being tailed.

Jack: Can I help you two? Or are you just checking out the old caboose?

The Miz again was trying to be serious in this moment, but let out a small chuckle.

Mickie James: It was the caboose for me.

She winked at him comically. Jack looked her up and down and offered one word.

Jack: Skank.

The Miz again started laughing as more of a reflex than anything else. Mickie had a slight smile, mock offended, look on her face as she hit Miz in the chest. He whispered "I'm sorry" barely audibly and then quickly snapped back into character.

The Miz: Sorry- Jack is it? We're not just checking out the old caboose. We kind of just saw you in there.. hitting on 19.. being upset you lost.. demanding a pudding cup.. and we were just drawn to you. You seem to be.. well pretty old.. but also pretty angry.. but it's more than just angry.. it's like a borderline insanity.. mixed with angry.. mixed with delusion.. mixed with humor.. mixed with.. well I'm just going to admit it.. intrigue. You intrigue me Jack, and it's not just because of your love for pudding.. or the fact that you called my fiance a skank.. which I did not see coming.. but it's because you remind me a lot of someone. You remind me a lot of Hardcore Holly- the man that I will be fortunate enough to destroy this Monday Night at Warfare. I don't know how much you follow wrestling Jack, but Bob has been wrestling since you didn't need drugs to make your thing-a-ding.. ring-a-ding.. and he's STILL going. At the ripe age of 75 Bob is not only still wrestling.. but he's still being just as insanely brash.. just as loud.. just as weird.. just as crazy.. just as... well again intriguing as you are Jack. I mean this Bob.. Hardcore.. whatever you want me to call you.. you intrigue me. You are truly like Jack here.. and well just about any toddler I've ever met.. we literally have NO idea what's going to come out of your mouth.. like ever. Kids say the darndest things.. but so do old wrestlers who have been getting bashed in the skull with steel chairs for decades apparently.. The part of this that really intrigues me.. is that I can't tell if it's an act.. if you're truly certifiably insane.. or if you just belong in a place like this and nobody has made you come yet. So as always.. and like I often do.. I'm going to help. I'm going to FINALLY send you into retirement.. I'm going to finally help you get to a place like this.. where you belong Bob. I'm going to finally give Jack here a new guy to play cards with.. someone who he can actually beat... can you picture that. "19.. hit me.. 29... " and Bob's like "Damnit 29... another god damn black jack.. for JACK!"

Mickie giggled.

Jack looked back and forth between Mickie and Miz.

Jack: Can you believe that this broad is not back with my pudding cup yet?! I asked her 4 hours ago!

The Miz smiled.

The Miz: It was only a few minutes.. but holy shit Jack if it's not an outrage. Will somebody get the guy his pudding cup!?

Nurse: (Off Screen) I'm getting it.. JESUS.. I need a new job.

Jack: I had a job once.. never complained.. walked to work every day.. up hill.. both ways... no shoes on.

The Miz: Really what did you do?

Jack: I was a Karate teacher.. the dojo was on the top of hill.. you don't wear shoes in Karate. You just kick ass... KEE YAH!

Jack made a couple of Karate moves at the speed you'd expect of an old timer. The Miz was about to speak, but the nurse interrupted by arriving with Jack's pudding.

Jack: Well good thing the fate of the free world wasn't resting on you doing that quickly.. holy toledo.

The Miz again was wide eyed like a kid admiring his hilarious grandfather. The nurse left in an outrage.

The Miz: Jack- I honestly don't know how we got so lucky to run into you today. You are literally Hardcore Holly, I have NO idea what you're going to do or say next.. and I just can't help it.. I'm friggin entertained. Mickie- I have not been in a match like this in a very long time.. usually I come out here week after week.. and I face jamoak-a-doke pancakes like Tommy End.. or Jimmy Havoc. Guys that are easy to hate.. guys that quite frankly you just want to punch in the mouth. They bring it out of you.. they motivate you to just despise them and want to punish them in the ring. So that's what I do, that's what I've become the best in this entire planet at doing. I have made a very lucrative career out of defeating and dismantling punk opponents, who I have no issues at all building up a great deal of disdain for. Then you enter Hardcore Holly to my list of opponents. I want to hate him.. with all my heart. I mean he's rude.. he's disrespectful.. he says awful things.. but at the end of the day.. this dude makes me spit out the water I'm not even drinking to laugh at him. He captivates me.. he's must see.. I mean obviously I'm going to beat him on Monday.. because I'm The Miz- a 4 time EBWF Champion- the best of the best- cream of the crop- superest of stars- your favorite wrestler's favorite wrestler.. and he's a bumbling old lunatic, who yells at squirrels and probably laughs at the TV when it's not even turned on.. but by god if I don't want to watch him do that. I want to watch a Bob Holly reality show where he like gets his head stuck in the chimney looking to hawk a loogey on Santa Clause.. I want to watch a Bob Holly reality show where he like pours spaghetti on himself and yells "that's a spicy god damn meatball" for no reason. I want to watch the Bob Holly reality show where he head butts a cement wall and gets concussed so bad he starts yelling in spanish. I just want to see Bob Holly on my television- and I'm so excited that on Monday I'm going to see him across the ring from me, because just as much fun as it is to see this volatile, senile, loose cannon of a man.. like yelling his words at me.. it's going to be even more fun to just completely wrestle circles around him.. because I can do that to anyone.. ESPECIALLY someone like him.. who literally could have the mental capacity of a blade of grass.. if that.

Jack: I smoked grass once back in the 50's.. it was me.. Steve johnson.. Rod williams.. umm.. Cindy Jeanmaire.. there was a lot of us. Loved that Cindy.. beautiful pair of..

The Miz: Okayy.. Jack this is a family show there could be kids watching.

Jack took a bite of his pudding.

Jack: Just perfection.. I LOVE PUDDING!

The Miz smiled adoringly again.

The Miz: Who.. well who doesn't?! Am I right?!

Mickie was excited.

Mickie James: You're right!

Jack went from a grouchy old man to a bubbly smiler.

Jack: Right.

Big smile. Miz had one as well, he had no idea what to make of this guy, but he loved him. Before Miz could even get another word out. Two taller seniors wheeled themselves into the scene. They interestingly enough wore name tags. One was named Bart and the other Al.

Bart: Hey Jack!

Jack looked at Bart and didn't reply right away. Rather he continued to enjoy his pudding cup.

Bart: I said HEY JACK!

Jack: I heard ya.. you old putz.. what do you want?

Bart: I just wanted to let you know that Al and I are on our way to the mixer. A lot of fine gals signed up this month. We are going to get our freak on tonight!

Al did a couple of small raise the roof like motions very awkwardly. The Miz looked like he could cry from happiness at the hilarity he was witnessing first hand. Mickie as well.

Bart: Speaking of getting our freak on.

Bart looked at Mickie very carefully.

Mickie James: Sorry Bart- I'm Jack's skank.

Jack looked at Mickie- then at Bart.

Jack: I don't even want to go to the mixer.

Bart: Well you can't go.. you're banned.

Al: Banned.

Bart: I just said that.

Al: Banned.

Bart: BANNED!

Jack: It's because of that Ethyl, they get so god damn sensitive when you bring up their fake teeth.

The Miz just kept swinging his head from old man to old man like it was a tennis match.

Bart: Don't worry, we'll bring you back a souvenir.. enjoy your pudding and your skank...

Bart and Al rolled off. Mickie broke an awkward silence.

Mickie James: I like them.

Jack: They think they get to me.. but I'll have the last laugh.. a little laxatives in their tea will be sure to ruin ANY dates they are going to go on.. A HA.. pranks!

Mickie gave Jack a fist bump. The Miz looked like he was at a loss for how much he loved this Jack guy.

The Miz: I just.. I just.. I'm speechless..like we couldn't have come to a better place if we tried. We got my guy Jack.. who is just as unpredictable.. and amazing as they come. We got his two buddies who try and be tough.. be are really as lame as someone could possibly be. I mean they are Jack's, Lashley and Rush- just two more loudmouths that you're sitting their watching them spout of nonsense.. and you're like.. Really? I just... is this ... Really? Trying to figure out if they mean it.. if they are saying it to be ironic.. if they know what ironic means... like there's just so many questions. As if Jack wasn't gold on his own.. just like Bob Holly is.. you throw in two more guys who just put the cherry on top of this whole bizarre weirdly confident sundae of a team. I guess maybe I'm being a bit disrespectful myself right now.. I mean Bob is the reigning, undisputed, and defending BREAKOUT champion Mickie.. and like who would have expected that?! That's just SO Bob though.. like nobody expects a senior citizen 50 year veteran of the business to hold the title that is usually held by 20 year old guys bursting onto the scene.. but does Bob care? HELL NO! Bob is just that great.. he could care less.. he'll win the break out title.. he'll eat tree bark.. he'll yell at 7 year old girls running a lemonade stand.. the status quo MEANS NOTHING to Bob Holly.. just like Jack here. Yeah I mean he'll go to the mixer.. and he'll comment on some old bags fake teeth.. he's not gonna sugar coat it.. they're fake.. it's gross.. am I right?

Jack shook his head in disgust.

Jack: Disgusting.. just brush your god damn teeth and you wouldn't run into this issue for pete's sake.

The Miz again just couldn't help but smile.

The Miz: RIGHT! I mean I just couldn't say it any better myself if I tried. Which is why when Bob Holly finally speaks out on our match. When Bob finally weighs in on how he's going to tear me limb from limbs.. others well gasp.. they will look to me and say "Miz aren't you mad? Aren't you mad at what Bob said?" To which I'll reply.. OF COURSE I'M NOT.. It's Bob Holly.. he's literally a lunatic.. in the best god damn way. He honestly believes in his mashed potatoed brain that he is going to beat me on Monday- which is just so endearing I could cry..

Jack: Well don't cry ya Sally.

The Miz again looked at Mickie and then back at Jack.

The Miz: I'll try not to.. but I mean I could! It's just so special that Bob is able to just blast off into this fantasy world, where he is a real competitor here and not just the butt of literally EVERY joke that gets told in the back. It's just so spectacular that Bob is able to live in this world that, he really believes people are intimidated by him. He really believes that Lashley, Rush, and himself are a force to be reckoned with. He really believes it.. and if that's not the most adorably crazy realization I've ever come to than I don't know what is. Part of me has started to feel bad that I'm going to embarrass him and make it so loud and ridiculously clear how much better I am than him, but then I thought to myself.. and I was like "awesome-one.. don't feel bad... an embarrassingly bad defeat.. is LITERALLY GOING TO DO NOTHING TO CHANGE BOB HOLLY... NOTHING!" I mean look at Jack.. dude literally got a 29.. a twenty freaking nine.. playing blackjack.. that's horrifying.. it was a really bad decision to hit there Jack.. like you should be ashamed.. but was he.. hell no.. he took his L.. got up.. and demanded his pudding cup.. and look at him.. look at him America.. Mizfits.

Jack was now snoring with pudding on his cheek.. passed out.

The Miz: He got his pudding cup.. and he ate the shit out of it. It's why I don't feel bad saying whatever the hell I want to Bob on twitter or even right now. I can be degrading.. I can be mean.. I can shit on his pointless and really underwhelming career.. I could be nice.. I could be complimentary.. I can be whatever I want because I know that no matter what I am.. no matter what the truth is.. he's not even going to be phased by it.. nothing I say is going to make Bob Holly think that he's not a wrestling legend. Bob Holly- in his mind.. is the greatest thing that ever happened to this world. He's Jack getting bullied by Al and Bart.. whenever anyone tries to come at him.. "Hey Bob- you can't go to the mixer because you talked shit about some chicks fake teeth. " Doesn't matter.. them teeth were disgusting that old bag of bones had it coming!" "Hey Bob- you're facing the Miz.. you literally can't win.. he's the best wrestler in the history of forever.. he's the EBWF Champion.. and you're a washed up piece of shit." "Doesn't matter I'm Bob Holly, boy.. I'm going to rip him apart and then throw myself in front of a moving bus.. because I literally don't give a shit boy!" I mean tell me this isn't true. It's so true. I've never had an opponent pegged so god damn hard.. but also.. like Bob.. I love you.. you're awesome.. keep being you.. because in a world of boring..plain.. PJ Black esque guys that roll through here.. it's SO GOD DAMN REFRESHING.. to have a guy come in who I'm like.. "Ohh Bob's on.. I can't wait to see what he says this week." So thank you.. thank you for not retiring yet.. even though financially I'm sure you can't. Thank you for just being you.. and keeping me entertained.. I mean it's completely by accident.. but I'm entertained..

Mickie James: Or is it by accident?!

The Miz smiled and thought.

The Miz: You know Mickie.. that's not even a bad call.. it might just be completely on purpose.. in which case.. god I FREAKING love it even more. You always ask people "how do you like me now?" The answer is simple.. I like you a whole god damn lot. Like I'd have you perform at our future child's birthday party.. I'd go to a Bob Holly one man show.. I'm just on board for just about everything that is Bob Holly.. and that includes our match on Monday. I am completely on board to get in that ring with you, and pound you into oblivion. I'm completely on board with beating you over the head with my superiority for it to do NOTHING to shake your feeling of self importance. I'm completely on board with overwhelming you with my talent.. only for you to not even slightly doubt your own after it's over. I'm totally on board with watching you somehow overcome arthritis and other old people diseases, to continue to dominate the young kid division.. in a way that is nothing short of hilarious.. I'm completely on board with continuing to make fun of you for this.. only to have you not care at all and brag about that very same title I'm teasing you about. Bob Holly is a legend.. he's an icon.. he's proof positive that if you're just loony enough you can go through life with NOTHING ever really bugging you. He proves that if you're just deranged enough than it doesn't matter what anyone says or does to you.. you're never gonna have a care in the world. It's a breath of fresh air.. it really is. I mean it's in NO way going to lead to any real success in this company.. at the end of the day the EBWF is a bottom line business. It rewards the talented.. it rewards the grinders.. and the people who actually can back up confidence.. it rewards the winners.. and it spits out the losers.. but at least with Bob when he gets spit out by this company.. he's gonna wipe his shirt off of all the spit..and then start talking about how great he is again.. and how he wants to like fight Wes Ikeda.. or me.. or like King Kong.. or Godzilla.. and how he's going to wipe the floor with all of us at the same time.. because that's just how he is.. that's just crazy old Bob.. and man.. it's like a warm blanket if you ask me.

Mickie James: Babe?

The Miz: I mean honestly.. it's just like..

Mickie James: Babe?

The Miz: What? What?

Mickie James: Look..

The Miz had been talking about Holly and didn't even notice that Jack had disappeared. The camera panned over to Jack who has now eating ALL of the pudding cups that were in the fridge. The nurse was pleading with him, to stop but he just wouldn't.

Jack: I LOVE PUDDING!

A small tear came to the eye of The Miz.. as he watched Jack in all of his pudding glory.

The Miz: I mean, you get this idea- you want to entertain the Mizfits- you come to an old folks home- and you run into a Jack.. and it totally changes your day. This guy- is literally on a pudding rampage.. and he doesn't care who knows it. Bob Holly is literally on a "say whatever stupid thing comes to mind" rampage and he doesn't care who knows it either. Bob Holly's thoughts just have no on deck circle.. everything he thinks.. it's like "BATTER UP!" and I just can't get enough of it. I'm going to take a break from simply just admiring the idiocy of this guy.. and on Monday I'm going to be forced.. by the powers that be in the EBWF.. to get a victory over Bob.. and well inflict a lot of punishment to him during our match.. but the second it's over.. I'm just going to go back to being a fan. I'm going to back to being a fan of the stuff he says.. I'm going to go back to being a fan of egging him on on social media. I'm going to go back to being a fan of like stealing his lunch money.. and watching him terrorize like boom mic holders in the back accusing them of doing it.. I'm going to go back to just enjoying my time with Bob Holly.. because I mean at his age.. who knows how much of it we have left.. who knows how many more Bob Holly memories I'm going to be able to make around here. My victory over you Bob.. will not even be in the top 10 of my favorite Bob Holly tales.. it will not be talked about around the camp fire someday.. because you're just too gold.. you're just too classic for a simple wrestling match.. especially a very lob sided one.. which ours will be.. to even stay in my memory bank. I have won a lot of matches Bob.. I have beaten a lot of guys.. and I've won a lot of titles.. but all of those things are a dime a dozen.. and you Bob.. you are one of a kind. I cherish you.. and after I pick up an easy victory against you on Monday.. I'm going to cherish our.. well whatever we have.. you consider me a nemesis.. and I consider you a crazy old guy.. who I love to troll. You consider us rivals.. and I know that in order to have a rivalry.. one guy can't be heads above the other.. so I consider us.. well the cool champion.. and the crazy old guy who I love to troll.. you consider us a good matchup.. and I consider you.. well the crazy old guy who I love to troll.. and on Monday.. who I'm going to love to ROLL..

Because Bob.. I'm The Miz..

and I'm... awesome.

The Miz winked into the camera. As he walked by the chaos that was ensuing with Jack. He stopped in front of Jack who was still housing pudding cups. He gave Miz one and the two men "cheers'd " pudding cups and Miz began to snack with Jack, as the scene faded to black.