Gunning for a Shot - The Gunn Club

[Billy]

The camera opened on Colten and Austin Gunn standing in front of a very typical EBWF backdrop. The Royal Rumble logo dotted the backdrop as well, marking this video as a part of the build up to the pay per view. The two young Gunn brothers were both wearing faded light blue jeans. But, where Colten was wearing a black t-shirt with a Gunn Club logo on it his brother Austin was wearing a red t-shirt with the same logo. The two were both smiling from ear to ear.

Colten
We’ve come to the EBWF to spread the word about a little group we’ve been building.

Austin
That’s right and as you should all know, Colten and I are legacies in the wrestling industry and the EBWF.

Colten
Absolutely! Our father, Billy Gunn, is a former EBWF Tag Team Champion and a King of the Ring!

Austin
You’ve got it brother! Unfortunately, our dear old dad couldn’t fit a Royal Rumble into his very busy schedule!

Colten
But……………WE COULD!

Austin
I’m AUSTIN!

Colten
And I’m COLTEN!

Austin and Colten
WE’RE THE GUNN CLUB!

Colten
Austin, let the people of the EBWF Universe know what they’re in for!

Austin reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a stack of neon index cards in multiple different colors. He pans through them and then shows one to Colten. Colten smiles and nods. Austin clears his throat, looks at the camera, and then tosses the index cards which scatter like a neon rain.

Austin
Planned speech? I think not! Can that thing! The Gunn Club shoots from the hip! Makes us more unpredictable! More entertaining! More fun to watch!

Colten
Don’t those last two mean the same thing?

Austin
Distraction! The first rule of cutting wrestling promos off the cuff? Establish a killer catch phrase!

Colten
It’s got to be something you can fall back on when you’ve run out of real things to say! Something that you can use to pad time when you need to think of the next line! Austin and I have mastered the art of coining killer catch phrases. Thanks to some excellent tutelage from some of the best promos to ever hold a damn microphone.

Austin
That’s damn straight and if you’re not down with that….

Colten
WAIT! That’s a copyright claim waiting to happen! You’ll get this whole video taken down, or worse someone might swoop in and claim all the ad revenue for themselves!

Austin
No way! There’s no one in this industry who would try to steal money rightfully earned by the talent using their god given ability to turn a profit!

Colten
You can call and ask the Dogg about that particular leash!

Austin
You’re right, I’m sorry. Why don’t you give it a shot brother!

Colten
How about, Austin and Colten Gunn, we’re too swe….

Austin
CEASE AND DAMN DESIST!

Colten
Huh?

Austin
You know that you can only say those words in Japan!

Colten
You’re right, obviously! What in the Land of the Rising Sun was I thinking? You take another swing at it!

Austin
I don’t want to though.

Colten
You’re going to take another shot at it AND THAT’S AN OR…

Austin
Holy hand grenades! You may as well just throw out an “and knowing is half the battle” if we’re going to rehash some old Sarge shit!

Colten
That line has to be head and shoulders better than anything he ever said himself!

Austin
You’re talking about a real American hero!

Colten
Are we still talking about the cartoon? Because there’s no way that man was a role model with that cigar stuffed six inches down his gullet!

Austin
DAMN!

Colten
Seriously? I’ve got to think you’ve hit strike three by now! Maybe we just call it on the catch phrase and move on to our real purpose here! The Royal Rumble!

Austin
Yeah! And one of us pulled the number 2 spot!

Colten
And then that person conned me into trading him.

Austin
It wasn’t a con, it was a bet and you lost! Leaving me at a very respectable twenty-five!

Colten
Respectable? Have you looked at what I am dealing with? One and three, Aiden and Chavo, their buddies!

Austin
Cousins actually!

Colten
Wait, Aiden and Chavo are cousins? Aiden English is a Guerrero?

Austin
Only by marriage!

Colten
Aiden’s smoking hot wife is a Guerrero? No one ever talks about it, how would anyone ever know? No wonder Aiden pulled number one in the Royal Rumble, he spent all his luck getting Raquel to marry him!

Austin
Let’s not loose sight of the target here!

Colten
Right, so I have to survive a two on one assault from Junior and Lucky to even have a shot at running the gauntlet and walking out the other side with a trip to WrestleMania!

Austin
Or, you could just make sure you soften them up for your brother and I’ll make sure that you get front row seating at Mania!

Colten
Have you even bothered at looking at the rest of the names between me and you? It’s a veritable who’s who of stars. A galaxy of talent. These are the cornerstones of the constellations that make up the EBWF Universe itself!

Austin
Damn straight shooting! That’s why when one of us wins it will be…

Austin and Colten
ASTRONOMICAL!

Colten
Speaking of things being out of this world, Paul London is on the list of entrants into the Royal Rumble!

Austin
He may be in the match but he’s out to lunch! Guys has more bats in his belfry than Bruce Wayne. He’s nuttier than a payday! Claims to have gone to the future but he’s left his mental faculties behind!

Colten
Behind as in he’s got his head shoved so far up his ass he can’t see the new day dawning! He’s going to need a lot of help from his big ole dino dude to make it out of this thing in one piece!

Austin
You want to talk about cracked in pieces! That damn dino dude thinks he’s a real dinosaur. Heads up greenie, this isn’t Bedrock and there’s no Bam Bam to knock some since into you!

Colten
I’m honestly surprised we’re not seeing Bam Bam in this match!

Austin
Bigelow? You know he died rather tragically right?

Colten
No, I had no idea. Man, that sucks. I’m very sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.

Austin
I was talking about the cartoon character from the Flintstones. Little neighbor boy with the wooden club.

Colten
Oh him! He is in the match! He calls himself Jungle Boy now!

Austin
Wait, I thought that was Tarzan’s ring name!

Colten
Nope! It’s that little cartoon boy from the Flintstones! Paul must have picked him up on his journeys through the mental institute!

Austin
I can tell you who else he picked up on his bogus journey!

Colten
Who’s that?

Austin
The Coalition!

Colten
You mean Alexa Bliss and her three grandpas? Otherwise known as Ostioporocis Anonymous!

Austin
Yep! Damned Kane and Disabled! They’ve got all the ATTITUDE in the world and none of the talent!

Colten
But they’re TOUGH ENOUGH!

Austin
Nope! They may uh ven good in the oughts but they’ve missed the boat on that window of opportunity!

Colten
You know, I can’t help but think we’re calling dad old by proxy here.

Austin
That would be why he’s busy building the next generation of talent and not trying to compete with the current generation! Hell, Maven couldn’t even compete in his own generation!

Colten
Speaking of old and hanging on by a thread. You want to talk about geriatric Jericho?

Austin
The Lion Heart is starting to look more like a heart attack lyin in wait!

Colten
That’s because Y2Jericho was Y 2 decades ago!

Austin
What about this one. CM Punk!

Colten
It has to be emberassing still being called a Punk well into your forties!

Austin
He let’s people keep calling him CM Punk because it sounds better than CM Prick!

Colten
We have it on good authority that the guy is a regular asshole! With a capital A!

Austin
With a capital HOLE! Even worse than that is Rey Mysterio! He’s got four different numbers in the Royal Rumble! Four chances! How does someone get that?

Colten
No, he’s number twenty-seven. Just one number!

Austin
And six, seven and nineteen!

Colten
No, those are mystery entrants! Not Mysterio entrants!

Austin
Oh! Wait mystery entrants? How do you prepare for mystery entrants? How do you talk trash about someone who won’t even announce themselves for the match? Someone who doesn’t even have the balls to say they are going out for the shot at the Main Event?

Colten
I don’t think you prepare for them.

Austin
I bet it’s a ten-step process!

Colten
Where in the hell did you pull the number ten from Austin?

Austin
It’s an A to J program meant to get you ready for those few people who don’t have the guts to make their intentions known! The way you do it is with style.

Colten
I bet we’re the only two men in this match who even know what style is! Balor still does the face paint demon thing. Sami Zayn wears plaid! Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows.

Austin makes a wretching sound.

Colten
Those two hang out with that louse Kenny Omega and Don. The Miz!

Austin
Have you seen the shit he wears to the ring?

Colten
Elias Samson and MJF are both obsessed with scarfs like a pair of little old ladies! We could wear loin clothes and still be more fashionable than these idiots!

Austin
Let’s just not pull out the shorts with lips all over them. Dad hasn’t always had the best gear in the game!

Colten
Right! Speaking of not being the best at something, BRAY WYATT is in the Royal Rumble!

Austin
Wyatt he got himself a new gimmick?

Colten
Wyatt he still trying to make it in an industry that doesn’t care about him?

Austin
Wyatt he go on a diet?

Colten
Woah! Not cool!

Austin
What? He’s a bit ROTUND!

Colten
We’re not going there! We’re not going to fat shame someone! We’re better than that!

Colten smacks Austin lightly on the back of the head. And mouths “apologize.”

Austin
I’m sorry. We’re not going to make fun of anyone for their weight. No matter how big they are!

Colten
Thank you!

Austin
Honestly, I think we’ve pointed out everyone in the match!

Colten
Nope! We haven’t said a single word about Drew “needs to be sent back to the” Gulak or Cameron Grimes.

Austin
Who?

Colten
CAM-E-RON GRIMES!

Austin
Who?

Colten
Nevermind, he’s not worth our time.

Austin
Anyone else oh keeper of the records?

Colten
Yeah, there are more. We haven’t touched on Edge or Ciampa either.

Austin
I was sure that we covered Edge back when we were talking about the Dinosaurs of the industry!

Colten
You may have thought that but we didn’t!

Austin
It was right there in his association with Christian before Christian joined the Society.

Colten
Coalition

Austin
You remember those big dumb glasses? The posing? Hours and hours of posing. Oh man, that stuff was just classic Edge and Christian.

Colten
Classic is just another word for old. Like antique. Edge is an antique!

Austin
But, HE’S A CHAMPION!

Colten
EBWF doesn’t have a tag division!

Austin
WRONG! EBWF didn’t have a tag division! Now it has the Gunn Club!

Austin and Colten
And we’re GUNNING FOR A SHOT!

Colten
At the Royal Rumble, we’re going to show you all how on target our shots tend to be!

Austin
And, whichever OLD GUY wins the World Title, one of us will be seeing you at WrestleMania!

Austin and Colten gave one another a high five and the scene ended.

[Matt]

“Ostioporocis Anonymous” laughing my head off!