An EBWF.net exclusive

The screen opened up to a black void, followed by the slow, solemn scroll of text in a cursive font.


Above the text a picture of the Gateway Championship belt with Randy Orton’s nameplate. Once the text crawl scrolled past, the logo for the Randy News Network replaced it, followed by the sounds of a stock audio clip of News music that Randy probably found on the internet.

The camera then faded in to the all-too-familiar desk of the premier RNN news anchor himself, the soon-to-be-former Gateway Champion, Randall Keith Orton. A grim, but sad look washed over him as he looked at the camera, dressed in his SLITHR brand hoodie and jeans.

Randy Orton: Greetings to the EBWF Universe. This is a special episode of RNN, the Randy News Network. Tonight, we mourn the loss of of something that has delighted fans the world over. Something that demanded excellence from the entire EBWF roster, and something we will miss very, very much. Yes, tonight we mourn the loss of the relevance of the Gateway Championship in the mainstream.

Randy looked over to his left, where the Gateway Championship and Tag Team Championship belts were propped up on the table, as polished and shiny as ever.

Randy Orton: In just a few hours time, I will surrender this Gateway Championship belt to the EBWF in exchange for my shot at the EBWF World Championship. For 463 days, this Gateway Championship has encouraged men to work just a little harder, train just a little longer, in the hopes that they, too, could have the opportunity to lose to Randy Orton at a PPV event. Isn’t that the dream for everyone? Isn’t that the why behind this business that we love? But even now as I prepare to surrender this great title to the powers that be, the world is a little bit more lazy, a little bit more complacent, and a little less hungry as a new challenger must be found for this once prestigious championship belt.

Randy folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, deep in contemplation.

Randy Orton: The relevance of the Gateway Championship will truly be missed. It is particularly sad for those people that rely on the EBWF machine to generate merch and ticket sales, endorsement deals, and late night television exposure. With the Rock as the current EBWF World Champion, the loss of the importance of the Gateway Championship compounds and already systemic issue within the EBWF - lack of credibility.

Randy shook his head.

Randy Orton: What is one to do in such a dark hour?

After a moment of silence with his own thoughts, Randy sat up straight, grabbed the stack of papers on his desk, and smacked them on the table to even them up.

Randy Orton: You know what? This is not how it will go. I refuse to let the memory of my incredible title reign with the Gateway Championship be ruined by grief and despair. Tonight is not about mourning a loss. Tonight is a celebration of life. Tonight we honor the legacy of the longest singles title reign in EBWF history. Is there nothing more incredible than that? Just consider the level of difficulty. For fifteen months, I mowed through the best competition this company has to offer. People will say that being the Gateway Champion isn’t as prestigious an accomplishment as being the EBWF World Champion, but let’s take stock here. The people holding the EBWF World Championship while I’ve been holding this title? Aiden English, the Rock, and Chris Jericho. That. is. it. And do you want to know why the EBWF World Championship has been caught up in a chokehold of mediocrity at the top? Because as the Gateway Champion, I have become the ultimate gateway to success. And the gate has been closed. I have single handedly prevented anyone from being able to find their way to the main event by holding this title as long as I have. The world title picture has fallen into disrepair and stagnation. The stink of stale swamp water comes from the same three jamokes trading the belt back and forth ad nauseam. But that’s not the fault of the Gateway Championship. My reign with this title has set the bar in the EBWF for greatness. Challengers from every corner of the globe have come to the EBWF to try and pry this title from my hands, and they have all of them failed at every opportunity. It has not been easy, and it continued to get more and more difficult as the quality of opponent continued to grow. And as I pinned Tomasso Ciampa’s shoulders to the mat at Christmas Eve of Destruction, which by the way was my second defense of this title at a CEOD show on this title reign, I came to a profound realization. It was my excellence that had caused the problems that were now affecting the World Title. My dominance prevented other challengers from getting an opportunity at the World championship, ensuring that the only people that would get a shot were a 48 year old, a 50 year old, and a snooty French waiter.

Randy shrugged.

Randy Orton: In short, I had become the problem. And so it was at that point that I decided to do something about it. Despite the Rock’s bloviation about how I picked my moment to cash in so that I could face it, nothing could be further from the truth. It was simply time for me to fix the problem I created. And tonight I will put a stop to the carousel of hot garbage that the main event has become. Once I am the World Champion, I can personally guarantee that more up and coming superstars will have an opportunity to achieve greatness. Without me choking the line of succession, new and interesting competitors will arrive to get a shot at the World title. And the world will breathe a sigh of relief as they no longer need to hear the Rock’s massively tired shtick.

He paused briefly, his eyes fixated on the championship gold next to him.

Randy Orton: In a lot of ways, I feel like a Phoenix. Today we are losing something beautiful and majestic - the EBWF Gateway Championship in the hands of Randy Orton. But from the ashes of that loss will soon bear something even better. Something more incredible than the people of the EBWF Universe can even imagine. Tonight, we will welcome into the world… a third World Championship for Randy Orton. So for all the people out there watching the EBWF Royal Rumble from the seats or at home, and for all the wrestlers in the back not named The Rock, relax and prepare to watch history unfold. From me, Randy Orton, and the Randy News Network staff, enjoy the show and I’ll see you next week… in the new era.

The news jingle played again as the lights faded down on Orton while he idly tapped his paper stack on the desk again.

Randy waited for the signal from Drew, the EBWF senior cameraman. Drew gave him the thumbs up and Randy stood up from the desk and stretched. Randy has just enough time to react as a water bottle flew towards him. He caught it and nodded to the thrower. Unscrewing the cap he took a big drink.

Natalya: Not bad, even I wanted to punch you.

Randy Orton: Oh, you know. I just channeled my inner brother-in-law.

Nattie chuckled as the two of them began walking together towards the gorilla position.

Natalya: Does it ever get exhausting for you? Having to change your delivery based on who ever is opposite you on the card? It does for me, sometimes.

Randy Orton: You know as well as I do that when you get to our level, that’s just what we do. You wouldn’t promo the same way for Liv Morgan that you would for Alexa Bliss.

He took a drink of water as Nattie looked around mindfully.

Randy Orton: Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind, Nat.

She smirked and shook her head, taking a second to choose her words.

Natalya: Look, you and I both know that this narrative that’s been going around about you is bullshit.

Randy Orton: Oh, the one where I’m phoning it in and barely showing up to work.

Natalya: Yep, that’s the one. But that’s only gonna get louder if things go your way tonight. And you know I ask him to not tell me anything because I can’t keep a secret worth a damn, so that’s a legit if.

Randy Orton: Wes is worried I can’t handle the heat?

Natalya: Oh he knows you don’t care.

He chuckled.

Randy Orton: I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t send you to talk to me, so you’re doing this on your own. You can relax, and so can Wes. I’ve got ground rules as far as family time goes but I can add more to my calendar. That is, when things go my way tonight. I know how this works. Gotta keep up appearances. I know I’m not exactly Dwayne over here but I can keep people talking.

Natalya: Seriously, does anyone believe this line of shit that he’s going to be here for good? I mean I know he rakes in the eyeballs, but...

Randy Orton: Cool down, wrestling purist. Besides, not to worry. You’ll have one of your own representing the brand in a couple hours. I’m hopping over to Chuck for my interview but thanks for checking in.

Randy casually put his fist out and Nattie bumped it and started to walk away.

Randy Orton: Don’t worry, I’ll take real good care of your aging main event draw.

Nattie responded over her shoulder with a grin.

Natalya: That’s what I’m worried about.

Randy shrugged with a mischievous smirk and headed back towards the interview area. Despite the air of confidence he projected to friends and coworkers, no amount of confidence could shake the feeling that he was putting himself out there ultimately to waste his time. Despite The Rock’s off again on again relationship with the EBWF, it was clear that the higher-ups had supreme faith in his ability to bring eyes to the product in a sinking economy. But they needed a big splash for the Rumble, and his number was called. So Randy will go out there and carry Dwayne to the best match of his career, even if it ultimately means nothing.

Randy arrived at the pre-set area where EBWF talent were having interviews done for arguably the most exciting pay-per-view event of the year. Everyone on the card was getting in front of the camera, which meant a lot of extra work for the correspondence team on Royal Rumble shows. Charly Caruso saw Randy approach her and her shoulders slumped.

Charly Caruso: Thank god.

Randy Orton: Tired of the 5 minute dink-and-dunk interviews?

Charly Caruso: So. Tired. Take all the time you need, Randy. This is like a lunch break for me, getting to interview a main eventer.

Randy chuckled and nodded, making his way to the X marked in front of the interview backdrop.

Randy Orton: Ready when you are.

Without saying another word, Charly gestured towards cameraman Drew and he counted down silently with his hands. The red light came on and she was live.

Charly Caruso: We are live here at the Royal Rumble, and just outside the show is underway! Later tonight we will find out who will be going to Wrestlemania to face the EBWF World Champion in the main event. But before that, we will decide who the Champion is on the road to Wrestlemania! With me tonight is the challenger for the Rock’s World Championship, Randy Orton. Randy, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

Randy took a deep breath and looked down at Charly Caruso.

Randy Orton: No problem, Charly. Though I do believe you’re going to need to get that apology prepared for Edge.

Charly Caruso: I’m sorry?

Randy Orton: It’s best if you give it to Edge yourself, Chuck.

Charly Caruso: No, I mean… what are you talking about?

Randy Orton: The blatant disrespect, of course. Let’s take a brief second to put aside my match with Dwayne, and focus on the fact that Edge is a soon-to-be two-time Royal Rumble winner. And you had the unmitigated gall to completely ignore him during our interview last week.

Charly Caruso: With all due respect, Randy, the match last week had you and the Rock as the focal point. Clearly. And that doesn’t change tonight, as you will face him for the EBWF World Championship after surrendering your Gateway Championship. Is there a specific reason why you chose this moment to challenge the Champ?

Randy Orton: Several, actually. You see, I already know what everyone thinks. Randy made a huge mistake when he challenged a 48 year old wrestler-turned-actor for the title, because The Rock is in the shape of his life! He’s fully committed to the business and he wants to be The Guy® again. Why on earth would he pick this moment of all moments? But the thing I want The Rock to understand, as well as the rest of the EBWF Universe is this: This isn’t about The Rock. My decision to cash in my title for an opportunity at the ultimate prize was never about The Rock. It’s about shaking up the people at the top. It’s about removing the hair clogging the EBWF pipes. It’s about ending this charity ball that has become the EBWF World Title picture. Aiden English? Chris Jericho? The Rock? So, two guys who’s primes were in 1997 and a 20’s pugilist are all that the great Wes Ikeda can come up with for main event level stardom? Is that how low it has gotten in the EBWF? I can’t let that continue, Chuck. I have to put a stop to it. The Rock seems to have made this a personal thing, but it isn’t. It’s a business move, and one that will help EBWF continue to thrive in these uncertain times.

Charly Caruso: Randy, even you can’t deny that while The Rock is 48, he is still immensely popular and in the shape of his life.

Randy Orton: I keep hearing that, but all I see is a guy who gets gassed inside of 15 minutes and hasn’t evolved in 20 years. The wrestling business is a fickle creature, Charly. You adapt or you get left behind. The best people in the business are the ones that reinvent themselves. Look at Chris Jericho, another guy that’s here waaaaaaaay past his sell by date. The reason he continues to get main event opportunities, setting aside his close friendship with Wes, of course, is the fact that the man has changed up his approach multiple times throughout his career, constantly reinventing himself to stay relevant. Has the Rock done that? You interviewed earlier. Is he still talking about rudy poos and eating pie? Of course he is. He’s like an Alzheimer’s patient who last remembers a promo he 24 years ago. And you can take THAT… to the bank.

Charly blinked slowly, a look of utter confusion on her features.

Charly Caruso: I’m sorry what was that?

Randy Orton: Oh right, well speaking of The Rock since you brought him up. I’ve been told that if I want to be able to compete with the Rock, I’m going to need to match up against him in the promo department, so I’m going to be testing out some new catch phrases that I can put on shirts and stuff. Make sure to give me your notes.

Charly’s eyebrow shoot to the moon at Randy, utterly incredulous.

Charly Caruso: Um, alright. Maybe put that one at the bottom of the pile.

Randy Orton: Thanks, noted.

Charly Caruso: Since you brought up his words Randy, The Rock is extremely confident going into his matchup with you tonight. What’s your confidence level?

Randy Orton: Look, you don’t have to look far to understand that one thing about me is that I know how good I am. That’s not a mystery. But I’m not going to sit here and act like The Rock is a pushover. Part of being the best that this company has to offer is the ability to be objective, and I can tell you that The Rock looks dangerous. He’s stronger than he’s ever been, he’s more ripped than he’s ever been, which makes him dangerous for anyone…

Randy smirked.

Randy Orton: …except me. Because I know what the body does to a guy that’s that ripped and pushing 50. You can only turn back the hands of time for so long with working out, good dieting, and a little help from your supplement expert, if you catch my drift.

He nudged her with his elbow.

Randy Orton: The body only has so much energy to spend at his age, Chuck. It’s only a matter of time until the People’s Champion slips on a puddle of the People’s sweat and gets hit with a Cold. Ruthless. KNOCKOUT.

Charly looked at him blankly again. Randy sighed and produced a pencil and a small notepad from his pocket. He began scratching on the paper and mumbling to himself.

Randy Orton: Mmmkay, did not respond to that one either.

Charly Caruso: Even so, The Rock is one of the greatest wrestlers to ever lace up his boots. Does that factor into your preparation for a match like this?

Randy Orton: Charly, when you’re the greatest wrestler of a generation like I am, you get there by scouting your opponent. And not just before the match, but during it. Because there ain’t no show... like the RKO.

Silence. Randy grumbled and subtly wrote something else into his notepad.

Randy Orton: Anyway. The reason I’m so successful is because I can diagnose my opponent while I’m in the ring with them. The Rock is nothing if not pathetically predictable. Between his taunts, and his kip-ups, and his charisma, he’s going to show his hand. By the time The Rock starts sweating buckets two minutes into the match, I will know everything about him. If he’s favoring his left leg. If he has some shoulder tightness. If his hand is cramping up. I don’t win matches because I’m stronger, or faster than my opponent, even though I usually am. I win because I isolate my opponent’s weakness and I exploit it until he can’t continue. And believe me, I’m going to have countless options to choose from tonight. But let’s not continue talking about how I’m going to be better than him, physically. Everyone knows that. JBL used to say that if you were to build a pro-wrestler from the ground up, using only the best materials, you’d end up with me. So, this is nothing new. No, what I want to talk about is what my victory tonight means for the moral fabric for this company.

Charly Caruso: Moral…fabric?

Randy Orton: Oh come on, you saw it. The Rock is a time machine from the 90’s, when it was cool to call stupid people the R-word and invent new ways to refer to a woman’s body parts. It’s 2021 and that doofus made a joke about you being wet? How does that stack up in the Me Too era, huh Chuck?

Charly Caruso: Well, I…

Randy Orton: And not to mention the fact that this guy cuts a promo and talks about what he would do to my wife? Is that the shining example that the EBWF should be holding onto? What year is it? Earlier I talked about how the most successful wrestlers adapt and reinvent themselves. Let’s take a time machine to the late nineties and find out if The Rock was doing dick jokes and talking about pies, candy asses, and smackdowns. Since Wes Ikeda hasn’t figure it out yet, I’m going to have to do it. It’s time to end this sad, antiquated act that has NOT aged well. The Rock is 48 years old, and he still talks like he’s 23, and wrestles like he’s 67. This really wasn’t my intent, Chuck. When I cashed in my Gateway Championship, I did so with the express purpose of making the talent in this company compete for their shot. I wanted to return the balance of the World Title to it’s intended focus. That was my goal.

Randy smiled.

Randy Orton: But it’s gonna be a nice bonus to put Dwayne out of his delusional misery, once and for all. And I’m gonna do it with the three most destructive letters in sports entertainment. R...K...O.

Charly Caruso: No. Absolutely not.

Randy Orton: Hmmm, that bad, eh?

Charly Caruso: Just awful.

Randy sighed and chucked the notepad over his shoulder, along with his pen.

Randy Orton: Seems I’m not cut out for the world of wrestling catch phrases like our current Attitude Era relic World Champion is. I guess the way I’m going to have to beat him is by making him hurt. Make him feel pain he has never felt in the ring before. Make him suffer so deeply, so completely that even his Coffee Boy, The Miz, will feel it. Tonight, I put and end to the latest dark chapter in EBWF history before it even begins. I will put the Rock in the dirt and claim my spot as EBWF World Champion. And then?

Randy grinned.

Randy Orton: Might just go ahead and beat my old record, while I’m at it.

Randy tilted his neck to the side and gave Charly and icy gaze before walking off, leaving the veteran correspondent to wrap up. Win or loss, tonight was going to be historic. And if Randy had anything to do with it, he’d start off the New Year with his third reign at the top. If he was lucky, he could piss everyone off in the process.

Randy trying to work out new catchphrases for himself is awesome! Loved this, fun read. Great job Cory.