Royalty-free news music that Randy found on Google began to play as the camera swirled around the RNN news desk: a large card table with a skirt that had RNN written on the side. Randy's EBWF World Championship belt, alongside both Tag Team Championship belts were stood up in front of Randy. To his left was Edge, who wore a suit jacket over his "Earn Your Scars" t-shirt.
Randy Orton: Hi, I'm Randy Orton with the Randy News Network.
Edge: And I'm Edge, and I can't believe we're doing this.
Randy Orton: It's too early to break the fourth wall, Edge.
Edge: This gimmick was dumb in 2002, and it’s especially dumb now.
He gestured wildly at all the gold in front of them, and then shrugged.
Edge: But you’re a regular Walter Mondale, I guess.
Randy Orton: Cronkite.
Edge: What?
Randy Orton: Mondale was the vice president. Cronkite was the journal….
Edge: I do. not. care. Randy.
Randy Orton: Listen, what's old is new again, and resurrecting this ridiculous bit that was cooked up by the irish madman has carried me to another World title reign, so just go with it.
Edge: Just go with it? Have you noticed that we’re being harassed, neigh, stalked, by a man who might literally hear voices in his head? And in the middle of aaaaalllllllll of that we have to face Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Loa?!
Randy gave Edge a hard look.
Randy Orton: We'll deal with Paul Heyman and his pet monster another time. Our focus tonight is the tag team championships which, by the way, they decided to bump to Warfare to pop a rating on Monday instead of putting it where it belonged: Wrestlemania. It's not like we couldn't have beaten these two chumps and then still go on to tear the house down.
Edge: We both know that Ikeda isn’t about to sign a paycheck for both of us with two championship matches on it. For a guy with a lot of money, he sure acts like he has no money.
Randy Orton: Yeah, I'm sure his 56 car garage is really crumbling under the weight of financial mismanagement.
Edge: I wouldn’t be surprised. We’ve been holding up the tag team division due to booking mismanagement for years. And if Tua Tagovailoa and Tony Toni Tone think they’re going to change that they haven’t been paying attention.
Randy Orton: We aren't holding up the tag team division. We ARE the tag team division. And if the best they could come up with is Tommy Tommy and Chumbawamba, then I'm stressed out with how long we are going to be holding these things.
Edge: Well, didn’t you watch Mania? Cameron Grimes and Ciampa were in the number one contendership match. Maven and Kane were there! These two beat those two teams. So I guess maybe there’s a fledgeling tag division here somewhere. And look, I know we get a lot of guff for doing this bit. Two living legends get on the stick and pretend that they don’t know who their opponents are. But this time it isn’t a bit. We don’t know who Tia and Tamara are.
Randy Orton: I don't even know who you're referencing there. Also, Cameron Grimes and Ciampa? Maven? What the hell is this, AEW? Who is signing the checks for these acts?
Edge: No, no, no, no. The women in EBWF can wrestle. Don’t do this. I don’t want Nattie Neidhart in here telling us to settle our tea kettles.
Randy Orton: You're right, though. We legitimately don't know who these guys are. We like to follow popular acts in other promotions, believe me. At this stage in our careers, we like nothing more than mixing it up with the next big thing. But this? The Tonga Twins? This ain't it.
Edge: Wait, Trish did tell me something I think you’ll find amusing. Guess what?
Randy Orton: These guys look like ICP lived in the Bahamas most of their life?
Edge: Yes, and their tag team name? They call themselves… GOD.
Randy Orton: Wait. No. You're not serious.
Edge: Guerrillas of Destiny. And they use the acronym. Can you believe that? GOD? I mean…
Randy Orton: Excuse me.
Randy stood up, calmly picked up his tag team title belt, and walked off camera. The distant sound of uproarious laughter could be heard off screen. A moment later, Randy smoothed out his shirt and sat back down, putting the tag title belt back down.
Randy Orton: Sorry, I had to laugh in championship. So, the Nook twins call themselves GOD, but that's ludicrous. There's only one true God. Don Cheadle.
Edge: I want to ask you who in your house is playing Animal Crossing, but it’s Nicole. It’s Nicole isn’t it? Virtual dollhouse. Sounds like Nicole.
Randy Orton: It is absolutely Nicole.
Edge nodded sympathetically.
Edge: Could you say more about Don Cheadle?
Randy Orton: I think his body of work speaks for itself, quite frankly.
Edge: And he’s not the only one.
Edge tapped his own title belt.
Edge: You see boys…
Randy Orton: Out of clever pseudonyms?
Edge: I’m sure more will come to me. I saw your promo, GOB Squad…
Randy nodded.
Randy Orton: Nice.
Edge: Thank you. Anyway, I saw it, and I gotta say I was a little bored by the trip down memory lane and I wasn’t 100% sure what it had to do with us. Maybe I fell asleep for that part.
Randy Orton: I will say, though. It is refreshing to mix it up with a tag team that doesn't drag out the timeless "old guys past their prime" shtick like we see with literally every team. It really never gets old beating those teams, and sending them down to the cesspool of mediocrity that Wes created in the midcard.
Edge: It’s true that Wes doesn’t make us dye the gray out of our beards, but just because you see a little silver here and there doesn’t mean there isn’t still plenty of gas left in the tank. I’m in the best shape of my life, and Randy’s a pretty passable 41 for a guy who’s been eating mostly Italian food for 11 years.
Randy Orton: Hey, she uses low-fat ricotta. And to Edge's point, yeah between my 41 years on this planet and Edge's age, our team combines for roughly 100 years.
Edge gave him a look.
Randy Orton: But the problem every team faces is the undeniable fact that we are still doing this at THE highest level. Rated RKO is still a better team on it's worst day than any team in the wrestling business. I appreciate that one team broke the tradition of trying to make jokes about our longevity, but it's not really going to matter because we will dispatch... GOD... just like any other haphazard cobbled together team that Wes throws at us. And we'll do it while Paul Heyman is watching.
Edge: You do know that they feel like they can relate to you on a personal level, right?
Randy Orton: Because they...have...tattoos?
Edge: Because their dad is Haku. They’re wrestler’s kids.
Randy Orton: First off, calling what my Dad did "wrestling" is generous.
Edge looked directly into the camera and waved.
Edge: Hi Bob!
Randy Orton: Secondly, I feel even worse for these kids. People act like being a second or third generation wrestler is some kind of bonus to your career. Ask people like me and Nattie if that's true, cause it ain't.
Edge: If someone says ‘shades of his father’ next time you do a Superplex, I swear to God I’m gonna throw the whole ring in the dumpster.
Randy Orton: And I would pay to see that.
Edge: And by GOD I mean Don Cheadle, not these Tongan rejects.
Randy Orton: Look, we're really happy for you guys.
Edge: So happy.
Randy Orton: We're really excited that your number got called and you get to close the show with Rated RKO on live television.
Edge: Super old hat for us, but we’re happy to boost your paycheck. You’re welcome!
Randy Orton: I'm sure you're going to be really excited by all of the cameras. But these tag team titles? We will bury them in the dirt before we pass them to you.
Edge: I mean, we’ve basically decided to be buried with them.
Randy Orton: We will melt them down and fashion a belt that Wes can actually build a semi-successful division for, before we lose them to you.
Edge: The last thing you need is another belt.
Randy raised his eyebrow in Edge’s direction.
Randy Orton: All jokes about your names aside…
Edge: I still don’t know what they are.
Randy Orton: ...there is not a combination of two people that can be found anywhere in EBWF that can match us. It's not just because we're "best friends" as you put it. We're the #1 and #2 best wrestlers in the industry right now. Which one of us is number one depends on the week, but we're on the top and everyone else is looking up.
Edge: Is THAT why my neck bothers me some weeks?
Randy put his head in his hands and sighed dramatically.
Randy Orton: I'm sure y'all are going to be fine. There's nothing wrong with angling to be the second best tag team in a division bereft of actual tag teams.
Edge: I for one am looking forward to GOD vs Coalition VI.
Randy Orton: And I'm sure Tomato Chompers and his Redneck Bitcoin millionaire tag team partner will show up occasionally.
Edge: Oh, you haven’t heard? They’ve already quit.
Randy Orton: Well hell, I don't know. Maybe AJ Styles and his razor sharp edgelord wit can be a tag team.
Edge: The Miz and his baby! You’re not above punting a baby are you?
Randy Orton: I'd be doing a favor to the planet.
Randy thinks, tapping his chin.
Randy Orton: Oh hey: How about Christian and Alexa Bliss? They could be called "Twitter Novices".
Edge: Paul London and Matt Hardy could hop into a time machine to a time they were good and try to take these from us…
He grinned.
Edge: Are you getting the picture, Tonga Twins? Are you understanding that we outlive every team on this roster? Are you aware that there are actually teams up and down this talent list that don’t have the guts to face us? Kingdom, Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus, yes Paul London's band of merry men, Kane and Maven, The Gunn Brothers… The EBWF Tag Division is equivalent to the AEW Women’s Division. Mediocre and fledgeling and Britt Baker is the Rated RKO of her peers. Good for her. I don’t want to hear again that EBWF has no tag division. What EBWF has is a bunch of teams that are scared of going toe to toe with Rated RKO.
Randy Orton: You see every patchwork team on this roster? Every new band of brothers, like yourselves that has aspirations of success here? When all of you are gone, we will be here. We are the ceiling of the EBWF Tag Team division, and I promise you we aren't made of glass.
Randy goes to pick up one of the tag team title belts as the lights cut out in the news room. A logo flashed on the screen as Randy and Edge looked around.
When the lights came back on, Bray Wyatt was seated to Edge's left, wearing his signature Funhouse garb - a maroon knitted sweater and his Hurt/Heal black gloves. Edge jumped comically.
Edge: Jesus Christ!
Edge looked from Bray to Randy.
Edge: Firefly Funhouse Bray can teleport now? Since when?
He glared at Bray.
Edge: Since when can red sweater wearing, frantically waving Bray teleport?
Bray clapped his hands and laughed maniacally as he looked around, in utter awe.
Bray Wyatt: This. Is. AWESOME! I have never been on a real news show, did you know that?!
Randy, unentertained, flexed his jaw muscles agitatedly.
Randy Orton: And you still haven't. What do you want?
Bray put his gloved hands up in a gesture of peace before continuing.
Bray Wyatt: Now I promise you two troublemakers that I'm not here for a fight. You can rest assured that I don't want to tangle with the BEST TAG TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!
Bray chuckled madly as he patted one of the Rated RKO tag team title belts.
Edge: Alright… why are you here then, exactly?
Bray Wyatt: Well Mr. Edge, I'm so glad you asked. I was sent by that, oh gosh what was it? Oh right! I was sent by that "tubby penguin"...
Bray used dramatic air quotes.
Bray Wyatt: ...As you called him, Mr. Orton... to deliver a message! I love delivering messages! You can just call me Post Office Bray Wyatt!
Edge and Randy exchanged a glance, with Edge mouthing “What?” before turning his attention back to Bray.
Edge: Please, Mr. Postman. Do enlighten us.
Bray cackled, pointing at Edge.
Bray Wyatt: I got that reference!
Randy and Edge exchanged glances again, and Randy mouthed "What the.." before they turned their attention back to Bray.
Bray Wyatt: You know, I gotta tell ya. I LOVE YOU GUYS! As the EBWF goes, Rated RKO is my favorite team! Better than Trilogy! Better than DX! Better than Wes and Chris! WAY BETTER THAN FEDEX!
Bray breathed heavily, trying to calm himself down.
Bray Wyatt: Sorry, just a little harmless fanboying! Listen. If it were up to me, Rated RKO would continue to dominate this company for years and years! But...
Bray's expression suddenly became sad and distant. He sighed deeply.
Bray Wyatt: But it's not up to me. It's not even really up to Paul.
He chuckled unnervingly.
Bray Wyatt: Even though he brought me in. No! It's up to... him.
That last word came out as more of a growl than a speaking voice. Randy sneered. His jaw flexing still. Edge glowered. Randy was on the edge of his seat, ready to stand.
Randy Orton: Listen up. I don't know who you think we are, but if you believe for even a minute that we don't know how to handle a guy with multiple personality disorder...
Randy smirked.
Randy Orton: You are sadly mistaken.
Bray doubled over with laughter. He pointed at Randy as he tried to catch his breath, only to burst into fits of laughter again. Then with one giant gulp of air his mouth moved into a huge smile.
Bray Wyatt: You silly goose! It’s called dissociative identity disorder!
His smile faltered a bit.
Bray Wyatt: And you aren’t being very nice.
His smile recovered.
Bray Wyatt: But that’s okay, Randy! I know you have to be a super duper nice guy, because I saw your little girl and her mommy eating cupcakes in catering today, and they looked like they were so happy! They were having so much fun! I love to have fun, Randy!
Randy stood up now, and Edge was quick to stand up too, putting the back of his forearm in Randy’s chest, and positioning the rest of his body toward Bray.
Edge: I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Bray.
Bray cackled more, not leaving his seat as he looked up at Rated RKO.
Bray Wyatt: Look at you two go! The toughest tag team in the biz!
Bray started applauding them.
Bray Wyatt: THIS is why I'm such a big fan! Good luck in your match tonight, gents! I'll be pulling for you!
Randy had relaxed only slightly, but it was enough for Edge to lower his arm. Randy was still staring daggers directly at Bray, and Edge turned to his partner for a moment before his steely eyes turned back to their visitor.
Edge: What was this message you were sent to give us?
Bray cartoonishly tapped his chin as he thought long and hard about that. Suddenly he started chuckling uncontrollably. He looked at Edge and shrugged deeply.
Bray Wyatt: You know what? I completely forgot! BYE!
Bray waved frantically at Edge as the lights went out in the studio again. When they came up, Bray was gone. Edge turned to Randy.
Edge: You good?
Randy silently narrowed his eyes as he looked off in the distance.
Edge: Randy.
Randy Orton: I'm good.
Edge reached down and grabbed his tag team title belt. Putting it over his shoulder, he looked back at his tag partner.
Edge: We got this?
Randy nodded silently as he grabbed his title belts.
Randy Orton: Let's go.
Rated RKO walked off the set without the usual sign off as the EBWF logo flashed in the background and the scene faded.
