No Better Club
Posted: Mon Apr 26, 2021 8:40 pm
Austin Gunn
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Balor’s Flock!
Colten Gunn
No! We agreed on Raven Club!
Austin Gunn
No, that doesn’t make any sense. Why would we call it a club?
Colten Gunn
Because, it’s a biker gang. Right? That’s the reason for all the leather?
Austin Gunn
You’re kidding! Look at that silly shirt tied around your waist. No biker alive would be caught dead in that thing.
Both brother’s stopped. Colten used his hands to follow the logic in the sentence. Then he turned in toward Austin.
Colten Gunn
Biker gang!
Austin Gunn
Grunge band!
Colten Gunn
Seattle based biker gang.
Austin Gunn
You know… That one… No! Irish Grunge!
They both started laughing. Colten doubled over and put his hand out. Austin gave him a high five.
Austin Gunn
Can you imagine?
Colten did a horrible fake Irish accent.
Colten Gunn
He’s the one who likes all our pretty songs.
Austin Gunn
HOLD UP! NIRVANA? You don’t know any other grunge band?
Colten Gunn
No, they’re the only grunge band. That’s it, just Nirvana.
Austin Gunn
You’re an idiot!
Colten Gunn
Go on, name one! I’ll wait.
Austin put a hand on his hip. He repeatedly held a finger up toward his brother and retracted it.
Austin Gunn
How about…. Um…. Oh!.... No…. I got it!... Nope they’re more classic rock…. You know that band!... Come on it’s on the tip of my tongue…. Oh…. Maybe you’re right!
Austin turned toward the camera and took a step forward.
Austin Gunn
And that makes it doubly pathetic that someone is out here holding out hope, extending the candle and tending the flame.
Colten turned and followed him forward.
Colten Gunn
No, it’s not pathetic. It’s anachronistic.
Austin Gunn
Hold on. Good vocabulary word! I’m proud.
Colten Gunn
Thanks brother!
Austin Gunn
Continue!
Colten Gunn
It’s Raven clinging to a bygone age when he was a top guy in a top company making top moves.
Austin Gunn
Slow down, he has bad knees.
Colten Gunn
You’re right. Allow me to retread that statement, it has some little white lies anyhow. It’s Raven clinging to a bygone age… when he was a mid-level guy in a mid-level company getting beat by Chris Jericho. Buddy, the Flock has flown the coop.
Austin Gunn
Damn right and they’ve taken what’s left of your good sense. It’s some one flew over the cuckoo’s nest shit. Now here you are playing second fiddle to a man half your edge with half the good sense. Oh how the mighty have fallen at the feet of the damned.
The light flickered.
Colten Gunn
Someone needs to get that working right now, we’re in the middle of something.
Austin Gunn
We’ve been watching. We’ve been taking notes. We’ve been…. No, I’m lying now too. We haven’t been paying attention to you or to Balor. We couldn’t be bothered to tune in when you start flapping those gums. Seriously. I’ve seen more entertaining promos from the mind of Dean Malenko. I’ve heard better speeches by Donald Trump. I’ve seen more charisma from Lance Storm!
Colten doubled over laughing again.
Austin Gunn
I guess cool costume. You’ve got that much going for you. And, you mostly match your gracious leader. And, we know. It’s old jokes. They get played out. Trust us, our dad is old, we understand. But, look at you! Is there anything else to make fun of? Great hair.
Colten Gunn
Shit physique.
Austin Gunn
That’s fat shaming, you can’t do that!
Colten Gunn
Sorry. Okay. Oh! He’s got the personality of a wet towel.
Austin Gunn
Do you even listen to me? I already said he was less charismatic than Lance Storm. Seriously, AMAZING WRESTLER, shit charisma. Raven is worse.
Colten Gunn
Wait! Raven is worse at wrestling? Or, worse at charisma?
Austin Gunn
YEP! Anyhow. It’s hard to state how underwhelming it all is. How underwhelming to us. How dull for the fans in attendance. Probably a bathroom break for the fans watching at home. Our victory over Raven is guaranteed and the whole Universe knows it.
Colten whispered in Austin’s ear. Austin pulled back and stared at his brother.
Austin Gunn
You think so?
Colten Gunn
I promise.
Austin Gunn
I guess shoot your shot. But! No gun bars, that’s for later!
Colten Gunn
Truth be told, it’s an honor to be stepping in the ring at Warfare and going toe to toe with a real life celebrity. The marquee lit up with his name right across from ours. It’s inspiring. We’re glad he could take the time out of his busy schedule to come down and compete against us. Really boost our public image. I mean, how often do you get to tag with your best friend and brother against a Hollywood Celebrity? So imagine our surprise when we saw that we were going two on two with Finn Balor and Maven!
Austin Gunn
We thought those two hated one another! Now they’re a team?
Colten Gunn
Do you know what beating a movie star is going to do for my game? It’s going to double it, triple it, quintuple it…
Austin Gunn
You skipped a step there.
Colten Gunn
That’s how truly awe inspiring all of this is! I mean sure it’s JUST FINN BALOR. But, it’s also Mr. Silver Screen himself, MAVEN! And man, I can’t wait to put my fist down his little bald throat.
Austin Gunn
Nope. That’s were it falls apart. The name mix-up was funny. I’ll give you that. It was good. It was great adjacent. But, you can’t call him bald. Not with that mop he has.
Colten Gunn
Damn! Well I tried. I was somewhat on target and then I let the wind carry me away. Like a bird. Like a big black bird? Like a…
Austin Gunn
I get it. I do. It’s just not funny.
Colten Gunn
Well aren’t you just the wind beneath my wings?
Austin smiled.
Austin Gunn
Now that one was good.
The lights flickered on and off again.
Austin Gunn
Seriously! Can someone fix that stupid light? We’re trying to film a segment. A promo! We can’t have our lighting freaking out! This isn’t some Dark Aiden piece of garbage! We’re not going for dramatic lighting and dark eerie overtones. Maybe he never hit the mark with those, but we’re not even aiming for them.
Colten Gunn
Mark… Aiming… Is it time for the gun references?
Austin Gunn
Oh…. No, that was completely by accident! Holster your weapon cowboy!
Colten looked down and kicked the ground. The light flickered again.
Colten Gunn
If that light goes on and off all spooky like one more time, I’m going to have someone’s job!
The light went out. The brothers made a commotion in the dark. It sounded like a cacophony of things being knocked over even though there had been nothing in the shot with them. Suddenly the lights came back on. Colten and Austin had abandoned the leather jackets for colorful fake dreads and face paint. This new look mocked Fin Balor’s demon persona somewhat reasonably. But, their face paint looked like it was drawn on in crayon by kindergartners. Colten ditched the classic red, black and white for orange, green and white. Austin went for pink, blue and white. He looked like someone puked a cotton candy on his chest.
Colten Gunn
Austin look! No we’re better wrestlers! We’ve unleashed our inner monsters. We’ve become one with our darkness. We’ve unsealed the cages and let out that bestial side of ourselves.
Austin Gunn
No, we’ve put on some stupid paint and ridiculous hats. There is no way on God’s green earth that this is going to improve our ability in the ring. Seriously, who in their right mind thought this would be a good idea?
Colten Gunn
Finn Balor does this.
Austin Gunn
Wait what?
Colten Gunn
Yeah, Finn Balor is possessed by a demon and when he needs help defeating an unstoppable opponent he lets the demon out. Then the demon wrecks the person he’s facing and Finn Balor takes credit for the win. Because the demon is like, a part of him, or something.
Austin Gunn
A demon? Do we know its name? Because names have power when it comes to demons.
Colten Gunn
No, but I know it’s his untapped potential. It’s his talent AND his aggression.
Austin Gunn
Oh, must be called Prince Devitt then!
Colten Gunn
You know, I think you’re right.
Austin Gunn
Guess we’re going to have to get prepared to wrestle the paint off of good old Balor.
Colten Gunn
Oh no, he never comes to a first confrontation in face paint! It’s like an escalation of force.
Austin Gunn
Wait huh? He has all this power locked away inside this demon guy and he doesn’t come down to the ring every night fully unlocked and ready to go to war?
Colten Gunn
Nope, the demon is only for special, pay per, occasions!
Austin Gunn
What an idiot! I mean the face paint is ridiculous. Seriously if it’s anything like this he’s basically just a walking clown. But, if you have a higher gear then the one you’re running at you should kick over to the new gear and tear off down the beaten path.
Colten Gunn
You what? Gear, running, path? You lost me.
Austin Gunn
Yeah, maybe the car wordplay isn’t my forte but someone got it. If this guy can slap on some paint and wrestle even ten percent better he’s a fool for not being painted up twenty-four hours a day!
Colten Gunn
I mean, maybe the paint is expensive?
Austin Gunn
That must be it. Lord knows that he could use every advantage he can get.
Colten slapped Austin across the chest.
Colten Gunn
Time to get serious, run ‘em down.
Austin ran his hand over his face and smeared the poorly applied makeup. He shot a glance to his hip and his hand darted to it like he was putting his hand on a pistol in a holster.
Austin Gunn
When Warfare rolls around it’s going to be open season on a flock of turkeys. Balor, Raven! The Gunn Club is coming to Warfare to have an old-fashioned shoot out. We’re going to line you up and put you out of your misery like a firing squad. We know, you’re going to talk a big game, but let’s be clear that we never miss our mark. When you climb in that ring with us, you’re like sitting ducks! It’s nothing more than target practice when the Gunn Club comes to call. You’re a couple of clays. Bonded at the hip like a pair of doves. Time’s up. Hunting season is open. You’re about to hit the end of the line. The Colt Forty-Five or the Fame Asser, one of those two is going to put you in the ground. Yeah boys, Warfare is Tombstone…
Colten Gunn
And, I’ll be your Huckleberry!
Colten and Austin drew imaginary guns and pointed them at the camera. Austin ran his finger across his thumb several times to mock rapidly firing a revolver. He chuckled. Colten paused a moment, taking aim. The recoil on his imaginary pistol drew his hand up beside his head when he fired it. He blew the smoke off the chamber before both brothers holstered their weapons. The shot cut out.