We're really glad that you're our friend, and this is a friendship that will never ever end!
The camera opened on the brightly colored Firefly Funhouse set. It was a pastel blue room with colorful decorations throughout, and a door in the center that swung open to the loud cheers of many young children. In stepped Bray Wyatt, dressed in a form-fitting crimson sweater, black jeans, and black fingerless hurt/heal gloves. His dreadlock hair was tied neatly into a folded ponytail behind him. Seeming pumped up by the piped in cheers of the children, Bray was all smiles as he danced around the set.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: YOWIE WOWEE! What a welcome!
He bowed with a flourish as the sound of cheers and applause flooded the set.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: I am SO excited for my first ever Firefly Funhouse here in EBWF! Can you BELIEVE IT?! Now that I'm in EBWF, I have an opportunity to reach hundreds! Thousands! MILLIONS of more boys and girls just like yourself! I have...literally... the whole world in my hands.
Bray winked hard at the camera as it zoomed in on his face.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But enough about me! It has been such an amazing, incredible, awesome, spectacular, INSPIRING couple of weeks for your hero, Bray Wyatt! Not only did I get to guest star on a prominent EBWF news show, but I got to talk to not one, but TWO of my wrestling heroes! And then, to put the cherry on top of the best cake ever, I have been entered in the KING OF THE RING tournament! And in my first round, I will be facing Roman Reigns! Hail to the King!
Some very regal music began playing as Bray Wyatt proudly placed a Burger King crown on his head and showed off his toy scepter.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: As your new King, I promise that I will ensure that all my fans will receive later bedtimes! Optional vegetables at dinner time! More cartoons! And I personally guarantee that your new King will bathe in the blood of his enemies! Doesn't this sound SO GOOD?!
Wyatt clapped energetically as the sound of children applauding and cheering flooded the set.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: And now, I have a very special guest to introduce to you. He is smart, he is successful, and he is my VERY BEST FRIEND! He's the man that unleash-- introduced me to EBWF! His name is Paul Heyman!
Bray clapped as the Firefly Funhouse theme song played and Paul Heyman stepped through the door. He was clearly not comfortable being on the set with Bray.
Paul Heyman: Let's... let's just get this over with Bray.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Relax, ke-mo sah-bee! Today is a celebration! Having the opportunity to become the EBWF King of the Ring just tickles me pink! I cannot WAIT to watch the tournament!
Paul Heyman: Now Bray, I appreciate how excited you are for the King of the Ring, but I also need you to focus on the reason you're here in EBWF in the first place. You are the only one with access to...
Paul fidgeted a little.
Paul Heyman: ...our "mutual friend".
Wyatt's smile evaporated almost instantly.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: You mean, ...him?
Paul nodded as he looked Bray in the eyes.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Oh, Paulie. I don't... I don't think you want that.
Paul Heyman: Oh, I do Bray. He is the only reason that you are here in this company. He is going to be the one that helps shape the future of the most dominant wrestling promotion in the world. He is also the monster that will help rid us of the scourge of Rated RKO.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: But Paulie, the King of the Ring is HERE! This is EBWF! There are children watching! Don't you have a message for the good little boys and girls out there? Something to inspire them to work hard, and listen to their mommy and daddy, and live an honest life?!
Paul Heyman: Bray. I want him here. Right. Now.
Bray sighed and pointed at Paul as he looked at the camera.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Check out the fun police over here! Yowie Wowee, and I thought the library was boring!
Bray giggled uncontrollably as Paul stared daggers at him.
Paul Heyman: Bray.
"Funhouse" Bray Wyatt: Yeah, yeah, okay okay. You are no fun! And you had best be careful about how many times you make me do this. Too many times, and you might be sowwweeeeeee!
The lights suddenly went out in the room and the sounds of cheering and applauding children went eerily quiet. When the lights came back up, the Firefly Funhouse set was gone. All that was left was Paul Heyman and a frightening creature next to him. This create wore a disturbing clown mask, a leather jacket, and striped red and black pants. His dreadlocks we all swept to one side of his face as he tilted head and peered into the camera silently.
Paul Heyman: That's much better.
Heyman turned to face the camera, a little more comfortable now that he was flanked by his prize monster.
Paul Heyman: Everywhere you look, nowadays, you see the sad state of EBWF on television. Weird ad-hoc combinations of wrestlers running around as a so-called stable. Bizarre alliances and feuds started on Twitter. And most importantly, you see a company struggling to develop its own vision. And this... is where I come in.
Paul smiled confidently as The Fiend stood motionless next to him.
Paul Heyman: You see, this... thing to my left is going to usher in a new era of fresh ideas and compelling wrestling. Albeit under my guidance, of course. And it starts tonight with the King of the Ring as Roman Reigns steps into the ring with a monster he has never dared to tangle with.
Paul looked down at the ground, tapping his chin while deep in thought.
Paul Heyman: You know, it's interesting. Me? I'm a Roman Reigns guy. I am a fan of the "Head of the Table". There is no doubt that Roman Reigns has finally figured it all out. After nearly an entire career of dealing with weak ideas pitched to him by weak minded individuals, Roman Reigns has now taken control of his own destiny and his success is all too obvious. But he has never faced anyone like this.
Paul gestured towards The Fiend, who pulled on his gloves.
Paul Heyman: Now you might be asking yourself this question. You might be asking: "Self, why would Paul Heyman be interested in The Fiend entering the King of the Ring tournament when you have said your focus is Rated RKO?" That's a very good question, extremely near-sighted EBWF fan. I humbly suggest that you take a good, long gander at the EBWF tournament bracket. A staggering 32 wrestlers are on that bracket! And on the opposite end? Edge. One half of the very picture of stagnation that I am fighting against. If the Fiend can knock him out of the tournament, thereby relegating him to the doldrums of mediocrity that he deserves, then that is just icing on a cake that ultimately leads to a title shot against Randy Orton.
Heyman grinned as he tapped his temple.
Paul Heyman: 4D Chess.
The Fiend ran his fingers through his dreadlocks as he silently stood next to Heyman, his grotesque visage pointed directly at the camera.
Paul Heyman: Roman Reigns is but a Step #1 in a process that may take months to fully realize. And that's not to minimize the accomplishments of Roman Reigns. In fact, let's talk a little more about our opponent tonight. Roman Reigns is a bona fide future EBWF World Champion. That's not a prediction. That's a spoiler. I have every confidence that one day we will see the Head of the Table watching on as all the minutiae of EBWF fight amongst themselves to secure the right to face him. That day will come. But it isn't going to start here. Roman Reigns likes to think that he has already established EBWF and all of its resources as "his yard". A bold claim for someone who has barely been here long enough for a cup of coffee to become room temperature. And while I would be lying if I said that I didn't respect the boldness of that claim, I am here to set the record straight.
Paul's confident grin faded.
Paul Heyman: This is not your yard, Roman. It never has been, and if we don't do something right now, it never will be. You see I'm not your enemy, Roman. Tomorrow afternoon I will be singing the praises of the the great Tribal Chief myself. My fight is not with you. Unfortunately for you, however, you are in our way.
He gestured between himself and the imposing figure of the Fiend.
Paul Heyman: Roman, I promise you that once my monster here has finished with you, you're going to be in pain. A LOT of pain. You may even wish for the sweet release of death. But in time, your wounds will heal and you will return, perhaps better than ever. What happens to you tonight is truly nothing personal. I have grander designs in mind for this monster that I have unearthed and set loose on EBWF. My designs involve him climbing the ranks of the EBWF King of the Ring tournament. They involve him earning his title shot against the World Champion at Summerslam. They involve the Fiend single-handedly breaking down the shaky beams that form the rickety framework that EBWF is built on. Even you can see that, right Roman? You can see the corrupted mess that the top of this company has become? A fresh talent like yourself has no chance at creating real change unless I am involved. And being the brilliant and selfless man that I am, I have indeed decided to get involved. Roman, do not get discouraged by what happens to you tonight. It is but a fleeting moment of pain and defeat in what I'm sure will be an illustrious career. It is about so much more than that, though! This is about the future of EBWF!
Paul sighed, looking down a bit.
Paul Heyman: But, I know you probably won't see it that way. You are a man drowning in the rising tides of your own ego. It is not at all surprising that you will likely hear my message and foolhardily believe that you can be victorious in the ring against The Fiend. It's a trait that runs deep within your bloodline. But tonight, The Fiend is going to humble you. Tonight The Fiend is going to hurt you and render you a fleeting presence in the King of the Ring tournament bracket. And hours later, when you're sitting at the..."local medical facility"...
Paul used air quotes dramatically.
Paul Heyman: ...Nursing your wounds and piecing together the remains of your fragile self-confidence, you'll remember the most important thing that I've said today. This is not the end for you. It is merely a beginning. This is a jumping off point where you can remember where you currently stand in the pecking order. When you do that, when you truly humble yourself and understand your position, that's when you can become truly dangerous.
Paul grinned malevolently.
Paul Heyman: And I can help you with that. All you have to do is...
He took a step back as the camera zoomed in on The Fiend.
The Fiend: LET ME IN.
The video immediately cut to static.
