Merry Christmas Universe (CM Punk)

[Billy]

Renee Young and CM Punk were standing in front of the EBWF backdrop at the Dome. He was swaying back and forth as the video kicked off but stopped dead as soon as he got the que that the recording had started.

Renee Young: EBWF Universe, I am here with the legendary CM Punk! Punk is returning to in-ring action this Sunday at Fanniversary in a four corners match for the EBWF Gateway Championship! Punk, can I call you Punk?

CM Punk: Renee, we’ve known one another for a long time. Please, Punk is fine. You could call me CM if you’d like.

Renee Young: I would if I knew what it stood for. What does it stand for?

CM Punk: Nah.

Renee Young: That doesn’t make sense. How about you finally open up to the Universe about your name, it’s been on everyone’s mind for years.

CM Punk: I’ll pass.

Renee Young: Don’t you think it’s time to give up the best kept secret in wrestling?

CM Punk: Renee, have you ever seen Hatching Pete? Probably not. I’m sure not many in the EBWF Universe have ever taken the time to watch. It’s on Disney Plus, look it up. Anyhow. The movie is about a kid who dresses up as a chicken mascot and the school loves his antics. But they don’t know it’s him. He’s worried that people won’t like the chicken when they find out it’s him. It’s kind of like Grease 2 and Michael Cunningham. Sorry. Long story short, the magic is in the mystery. Once people know what the CM in CM Punk stands for, they stop talking about it. They stop debating it. And then, I fall out of the wrestling rotation, forgotten and unloved. I’m not ready to leave it all in the ring like that just yet. We’ll leave that boot stuff up to a certain American Nightmare.

Renee Young: Okay. I guess let’s press on to talking about your match at the 20th Anniversary Edition of Fanniversary. You’re going to compete for the Gateway Championship against Edge, Paul London and Tommaso Ciampa. How do you prepare for a return match of this caliber?

CM Punk: I think the main thing is just knowing everyone involved. A lot of these guys I’ve been floating around the same circles with for decades. Edge and London I’ve known since Ciampa was a child growing up in Boston. And it’s crazy to think that Ciampa at thirty-six years old is the baby in that matchup. Really if you think about it, you’re starting to make that Gateway title look a little like a Gateway to the afterlife with all of us old timers competing for it. Then again, that could be the point of it all right? Mr. Ikeda looking for a way to fit in the nostalgia acts and make us feel like we’re important and relevant parts of the current roster.

Renee Young: Edge is one half of the tag team champions. Paul London is currently in a major feud with Aiden English and Kingdom that will culminate at Warfare Games the week after Fanniversary! I’d say all four of you are staples of the EBWF.

CM Punk: Sure, staples. We hold the place together. That’s the great thing about staples, they don’t get a lot of use, so they don’t break down quickly. Usually, it’s the paper they are holding together that gives out before the staple. Then you can’t really use the staple for anything else, so you toss it. I’m great on the microphone, the Universe knows this. I’m great in the ring, the Universe knows this. Was I good working as muscle for Kingdom? No, not really. I’m a staple and I do my job, but I’m not made for much else!

Renee Young: That’s not really what I had in mind with that analogy. I’m not sure I can course correct this line of thought. So, let me ask this, what does CM Punk as Gateway Champion look like? What can fans expect out of a Punk title reign in 2021?

CM Punk: Permission to take us home?

Renee Young: Granted?

CM Punk: EBWF Universe! I know it’s spooky season. Everyone is going to be dressing up in their costumes and parading around the ring to win your affection. Some of you are going to be taking tiny versions of you around from door to door to collect candy that no one should be eating. It’s going to be a grand weekend. But then, the weekend is over and spooky season goes right out the window with it. Monday morning everything is going to be White Christmas, Buddy the Elf and Seasons Greetings.

Punk let out a fake shiver.

CM Punk: You want to know what a CM Punk reign as Gateway Champion looks like? It looks like a gorgeously, if I do say so myself, wrapped Christmas present all tied up with a shiny golden bow. My title reign as Gateway Champion is sure to be a short one, no records, no defenses. A CM Punk reign as Gateway Champion is truly a Christmas Present to the EBWF Universe. Because, if I win the title at Fanniversary this Sunday, I’m going to challenge for the EBWF World Heavyweight Championship at Christmas Eve of Destruction! If that means I’ve got to beat Edge to challenge Randy, so be it. Maybe I’ll fit in a tag title reign in the meantime. If that means I’ve got to beat London and Ciampa to challenge Miz, so be it. A CM Punk reign as Gateway Champion ends with a completely different title around my waist headed into the new year!

Punk gave a smile and a wink to the camera before walking backwards out of the shot. Renee shrugged and the segment ended.