God's Country

[TheDynasty]

The scene opened with EBWF announcer Christy Hemme standing in the ring, microphone in hand.

Christy: Ladies and Gentlemen, at this time please welcome the star of The Karate Kid, Cobra Kai and My Cousin Vinnie, Long Island’s own…Ralph Macchio!

“You’re The Best” by Joe Esposito hit the speakers as Ralph entered the arena to a warm reception, slapping hands on the way down the ramp. He walked up the ring steps and stepped through the ropes before taking the microphone from Christy.

Ralph: Thank you Christy, not sure you needed to include My Cousin Vinnie though. HELLO LONG ISLAND! I’ve been brought here tonight to do a bit of ring announcing, does that sound good to you?

He took out some note cards and began to read from them.

Ralph: Before we begin, I wanted to speak to you all from the heart. During my time working on The Karate Kid, I learned a lot from Pat Morita, you’ll know him better as Mr Miyagi. However, what I didn’t realise at the time was that decades later I would learn more from...do I really need to read this?

A disembodied voice over the speakers said, “You do if you want to be paid.”

Ralph: …I didn’t realise at the time that decades later I would learn more from a young and handsome professional wrestler in the space of a few days than I did during the filming of a franchise. A professional wrestler who would represent the brains, tenacity and resilience of Long Islanders in a way that I could only dream of…Who would gain the respect and admiration of the ordinary people due to him being salt of the earth…and it is my honor and privilege to introduce him here this evening…

Silhouetted figures appeared on the stage, one seemingly holding a guitar and the other at what appeared to be a drum kit. A live version of “Better Than You” began as the lights came up on the musicians.

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, playing his entrance music tonight, please give it up for Joe Satriani and Mike Portnoy! And now, the moment you have been waiting for…making his way to the ring…former all-state middle linebacker…captain of the Acafellas...leader of The Dynasty…your hero and mine, but Stone Cold’s worst nightmare: Maxwell Jacob Friedman, M-J-F!

MJF stepped out onto the stage, between the two musicians. He was wearing his Plainview Football jacket and was, for once, received with rapturous applause and cheering. He had a wide grin on his face and took a moment to soak in the adulation. He posed besides Joe and took a selfie on his cellphone, before doing the same with Mike, then walked down the ramp to the ring, occasionally stopping besides an unusually positive sign or two for the cameras. He got into the ring and took a crane stance opposite Ralph Macchio, before laughing and walking over to embrace the star.

MJF: Thank you Ralph Macchio! Didn’t he do great? Now, for all you ugly, grotesque, obese, smelly basement-dwellers in the audience…Wait a gosh-darn minute, THIS IS LONG ISLAND, we don’t have those kinds of people here! My bad Long Island, I was talking to you as if we were in Ohio. Before we continue, could I get a round of applause for our fellow Long Islanders: Ralph Macchio, Joe Satriani and Mike Portnoy! How great was that entrance, huh? I’m not going to lie to you, that was possibly the most expensive few minutes of my life, but you’re all worth it, because you’re not Ohioans! It’s such a nice change to have a crowd with a combined IQ over 20. I have been campaigning for MONTHS backstage to bring EBWF here, and the day has finally arrived. No more Shitigan, no more Massachushits, we’re finally here in God’s Country - Long Island, New York.

An MJF chant began to echo through the arena.

MJF: And tonight my opponent is none other than Mike “The M-m-m-mid” Mizanin. Mike, it’s great that after all these months, you’ve finally come (Real World) Back To New York, it’s just a shame it isn’t as the World champion anymore. A 6 time EBWF world champ, that’s quite the achievement, even if reign 6 barely lasted longer than one of Paul’s little blue pills. Speaking of Paul, I think I saw him backstage earlier, which surprised me, because I was pretty sure that after seeing the Fiend again, he’d crapped himself so bad, his own head had exited his body through his anus. I can’t help but wonder how long it’ll take Bray to take your manager now that he’s taken your belt and your dignity.

But enough about your previous loss, and onto your next one. In the past, people have hurtfully referred to me as a counterfeit Miz. It makes sense on a basic level, we both have an army of haters that are jealous of our successes, of our charm and our ability. But if you take a moment to think about it, why would I try to emulate you, Mike? Why would I want to be an older, less attractive, less agile, less technically-sound, less charismatic and frankly less interesting version of myself? Because you’re a 6-time champion? Sorry pal, that just tells me that you’ve lost the championship 6 times. Why would I want to be a 6-time loser? I’ve made a name for myself in this industry through hard work and dedication. You didn’t catch me slumming it on reality shows trying to get famous. Fame is unimportant to me. If all I wanted was to get famous, my family’s connections and resources, coupled with my good looks and voice of an angel, would make that an easy task. No, I care about success in this squared circle and that’s what’s going to happen later tonight, in front of these wonderful fans here in Long Island. I’m going to come out here, I’m going to make you tap, and I’m going to show the world that you’re just a second rate me, because I’m Maxwell Jacob Friedman, and I’m better than you…

He held up the microphone as the crowd shouted, “and you know it!” before dropping it onto the canvas and leading Ralph Macchio back up the ramp to the backstage area.