It was strange to see the Rated R Superstar Edge relaxed on the locker room couch. It was also strange to see him sans Randy Orton, but that was where he found himself now. The Rated RKO locker room was brightly lit, and Edge sat relaxed in a pair of jeans and a “Sex and Violence” t-shirt. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. He seemed to be in deep thought, and smirked.

Edge: Another year, another Last Survivor match. And I haven’t taken the time to count, but I’d venture a guess that I’ve been in more of these than just about anyone in the business. I’d guess I’ve eliminated more men that just about anyone too, all told. And every year, the whole of the EBWF fandom gets excited about the possibilities on the road to… whatever we’re calling the second pay-per-view, premium live event, stream as you go extravaganza of the year. And one of those possibilities is of course that one of the surprise entrants could win. Not likely, but maybe? There’s eight of them this year. Eight of them all mixed in with guys that make EBWF happen day in and day out. So if it isn’t the eight of them who might it be.

Rey Mysterio is still under contract and apparently coming in at number one. I feel bad that he still thinks that he’s EBWF’s iron man and can carry the weight of coming in at number one, but good on him. Maybe he thinks because his dumbass kid will be in there against him at number two that he won’t have to do so much of the heavy lifting. I don’t know much about Dominik Mysterio, except that he’s definitely not Eddie Guerrero’s kid, and that he hasn’t really left his mark in EBWF yet, but I’m not sure the Last Survivor match is going to be his night, because dear old dad likely won’t be a lot of help against Rex Steiner.

Now, I am not afraid to say that I’m getting to be of a certain age and that is, I abso-fucking-lutely do not want to be speared by Rex Steiner years old. I do the spearing around here kid, and I try to leave people with a spine when I do it, but maybe that’s the difference between you and me? You’re kind of a heartless bastard, and I’m out here trying to get myself over without killing anyone. Shame on me.

I can’t say I had Austin Gunn returning to EBWF on my bingo card. There’s a talent. Now if only he’d focus on the task at hand, and actually live up to his potential. So many children of dudes I’ve wrestled before. This is unnecessary. So far I’ve mentioned four guys… I’ve wrestled three of their dad’s and Dominik’s dad is literally in this match. Stay around wrestling for a while, it’s wild.

Brian Cage is out at number six. Is he anyone’s kid? Probably not, because if he were I’m sure he wouldn’t let us forget about it. Have you ever heard a guy not named Adam Copeland talk so damn much about himself? Boring. Uninspired. Muscle bound meathead does bad mic work and even worse ring work, but he looks like he was carved out of granite. Guess the producers were here for the Vince McMahon school of wrestling booking.

He chuckled.

Edge: We were asked to avoid saying the wrestling equivalent of he who shall not be named, so naturally I had to work it in. But, yes JR, I did read the email and I did disregard it. Out at number eight is Mads Krugger. Now, I usually do a bit where I say I don’t know who that is, but I’m serious this time. I don’t know who that is. This is a shoot. Randy and I thought about Googling it. Decided we just wanted to be surprised.

Number nine is Joe Hendry. And Lordy, Lordy I believe. I believe in Joe Hendry. He can eliminate me if he wants. I’ll even sing the song. Could very well be his year. I mean, there’s 30 of us. Anyone who says they’re going to win with any amount of certainty is delusional. I’ve done enough of these to know.

He nodded.

Edge:The Miz is on this card. Hope that’s not a spoiler. I thought he was back home for his off season, sure to show up again at Total Supremacy. I think this is a typo. Y’all should check this. Here’s somebody I know for sure is going to show his face, Adam Cole. I was thinking I might say something snide about you being out there with your buddy, but I know a thing about that. Probably worth reminding you, Cole, there’s no such thing as friends in the Last Survivor match, I know a thing or two about that too. I’ve had some of the biggest disappointments of my life in this match. Can you trust your guy? Will Roddy do what he has to do to your face?

He shrugged.

Edge:Talk about a guy you can’t trust. Seth? Truly a guy who hasn’t figured out his place in EBWF, and who would betray anyone who is dumb enough to try to help him along the way. We know who you are Seth. You’re a guy with a lot of big ideas, but you fall off a bit on the execution, don’t you. All flash no substance? Hell, I don’t even think you’ll be in the match by the time I get out there, so I don’t know why I’m wasting my time talking about you. And truthfully, I feel the same way about Matthew Riddle. You haven’t spent enough time being embarrassed by Miz? Got to come out and be embarrassed by 29 other guys. Your funeral.

Roderick Strong gets to come in smack in the middle to hype the crowd I guess. And he’ll join his good buddy Adam Cole assuming he was able to hang on for this six minutes it took him to show up. I hope you have eyes in the back of your head, Roddy. You can’t trust Cole, and I think you know that. Cole will throw you out when you aren’t even looking, and he’ll expect you to feel happy for him after he does it.

A quizzical look passed his features.

Edge: James Storm works here? I didn’t know that. Huh.

This shrug was lazy, showing that he could not possibly care.

Edge: Ah, Jericho, buddy, pal. Are we canonically friends? Who can keep track anymore? You might be the only guy who has done more of these than me. Never gets old, does it? The roar of the crowd, the chanting our name. I’m not even being silly. It’s truly the privilege of our lives, and the fact that we’re both still doing it? Hang in there, iron man. If I don’t get the chance to hit ya with a stiff right and try to throw you over, Imma be disappointed.

His eyes grew big again.

Edge: Do Paul Wight’s knees even work anymore? What the fu— STEVE AUSTIN? Does his neck even work anymore? What are we… and they’re not surprise entrants? They’re previously announced entrants? I don’t know what to do except embarrass these two clowns. Are we just importing corpses at this point? DCan’t wait to hear about how Stone Cold has won infinity of these! Even more though I can’t wait to do the spot where twelve of us all try to grab Big Show by his legs and lift him out of the ring in that old wrestling trope that sometimes works better than actual physics! Out to save us will be Jon Moxley, who will unfortunately probably have to participate in the aforementioned “Big Show’s Tree Trunk Legs” spot, sorry about that. Once Show is winded and or eliminated, we can get down to business can’t we, Mox. You’re something of an unpredictable quantity aren’t you? Might be a big damn deal, might not? I look forward to seeing what you got if you can survive until I show up.

He clicked his tongue, and shook his head.

Edge: Damian Priest, there’s a name in this business these days. A man to fear. The former EBWF World Champion. And I can tell you’re hungry. I can tell you want it all. I can tell you’re hoping against hope that coming in at 23 means most of the dirty work will be done, and you just have to survive long enough to be the last guy in the ring. That should get you back in the main event scene really fast, shouldn’t it? You’ve been looming with the Gateway Championship, haven’t you? What’s two number one contenderships? Really drives things home doesn’t it. Really marks you as the guy. I wish you luck in there, Damian. If I had to pick a final four, you’d be there. Getting your ass kicked, but there all the same.

Randy makes a triumphant return to the last survivor. And after tossing out a couple of guys, no doubt, he will be joined by a literal child who calls himself Hook even though his name is actually Tyler, which is honestly the most nineties name anyone could have given a kid. And because the back half of this match is absolutely stacked, Alex Shelley is gonna come out at number 28, and I’m sure the youngest EBWF Champion in history will clash with the longest reigning EBWF Champion in history in Randy Orton, and the crowd will eat that up for about two minutes until my music hits and I come out at number 29 to make that whole field wish that they’d thought twice before getting in our ring. Because here’s the thing about Rated RKO – we know what it takes to win the Last Survivor match, and we know that when push comes to shove, we will wrestle each other for as long as we have to, but before we do, and we have, multiple times, before we do it again? We’re going to knock every single one of your asses out of the ring, I don’t care if you’re Sting or Hook or Adam Cole or Wes Ikeda himself, we don’t discriminate.

I don’t know how many of these I’ve been in. I’ve lost count, but I do know that the way I get to CM Punk? The way I get back to the top of the mountain? The way I win yet another EBWF World Championship and make 2025 my year? This is how. Winning this match. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. I haven’t been in this game as long as I have because I’m easy to figure out. I take every opportunity, on every single man in that ring, until I get what I want. And I can promise you, no one wants it more.

Edge reached out and pushed the camera away. The ceiling came into view before the scene faded.