The Maria Kanellis 2012 Retirement Tour
Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:16 am
Today's promo..!!
The Maria Kanellis 2012 Retirement Tour
- Hey. Do you remember that one time when Maria won a match?
- NOPE. BAHAHAHAHA.
The middle of a trendy club where a large group of lookie-loo's were chatting it up and enjoying drinks. Standing on a stage that was positioned just above the crowd were EBWF Women's Champion Maryse and her gothy little pal Paige. Behind the two Diva's was a blown up photograph of their very recent Q&A in Maxim Magazine. Maryse's photo was hyperstylized with an angelic theme while Paige's had a lot of dark purple's with a more macabre but sexy look. Maryse stepped to a mic stand and gave it a few taps before swiping it from it's podium.
Maryse: Alright everyone shut the [HORRIBLE EXPLETIVE] up.
The crowd piped down.
Maryse: We're here spending Uncle Paul's money and to show off our swanky ass Maxim photo thing. Take pictures of it while it's all blown up and huge and shit.
Camera flashes went off.
Maryse: Seeing as how we are, ya know, the best members of The Coalition it's only fair that we get all of this attention. Oh. And look.
Maryse's held out her arms which were covered in golden and diamond bracelets.
Maryse: And..
She held up her Women's Title which now had a few diamonds carved into it.
Maryse: I might blind ya bitch.
Paige: Also..
Paige held out the skele-cat plush that she typically packed around with her. Except that this one was completely encased in a gold shell. More camera flashes went off.
Maryse: I also know that since we're wrestlers and we're out in public that they're HAS to be an interviewer stalking us..
Maryse and Paige searched the crowd until Paige pointed a finger, covered in black polish.
Paige: Found 'em.
Sure enough there was Todd Grisham. Waving a hand above his head like an enormous dork. Both women scrunched their faces up in displeasure.
Maryse: Escort him out of here.
Grisham was promptly led out by his arms by a pair of Neanderthal like security guards. The French-Canadian Champion flicked a hand through her hair.
Maryse: Find me a better one.
A man with a striking resemblance to Ryan Gosling appeared with a microphone in his hand.
Maryse: That works.
Paige was glaring away in the background.
Maryse: What is it?
Paige: Where is MY interviewer?
Maryse: This isn't YOUR interview.
Paige: I still want one.
Maryse sighed and gave her fingers a snap. A man who looked very much like Jared Leto stepped onto the stage with a microphone in his hand.
Paige: Proceed.
Ryan Gosling Interviewer: Maryse, at the Christmas Eve of Destruction you are set to face Maria in a match that will unify both the Sky High and Women's Titles. This will also be the first ever Nightmare Before Christmas Street Fight.
Paige: I love that movie.
Maryse: And as much as I would LOVE to continue my winning streak against Maria into triple digits, it's REALLY time to put that bitch down. I don't plan on just beating her for the seven hundredth time. I'm going to humiliate her completely and retire her. You heard me. I am going to RETIRE HER. Seriously. It's like I'm Goldberg and she's that karate guy with the mullet that Bill beat like five thousand times. She has not beaten me once. Not ever. I don't even have to cheat! This is going to be like taking candy from a really, really stupid baby. I'm SURE we're all going to marvel in amazement when Maria spits out something like..
Maryse slouches, sticks a finger in her nose and begins to speak in a typically cartoonish, slow kind of way.
Maryse: "Hurrrr, I've lost to Maryse a million times but I'm going to go out there this time and try my best and win. Boring, boring, boring. Hurrrrrr."
She regains her usual composure.
Maryse: So very inspiring.
Ryan Gosling Interviewer: With this being a Street Fight it means that you can practically do whatever you want to Maria. Paige can even get involved and you can both put the boots to her all night.
Maryse nudged Paige with her elbow and she grinned in return.
Maryse: I like him. But yes. We probably will both take turns beating the hell out of her. And take her title. And what little pride she has left. All to further cement that I am, without question, the most dominant woman who has ever stepped foot into this company. Not that it's terribly difficult when someone like Maria is being thrown at me as competition. She really does suck. A lot. But, luckily, no one will ever have to see her goofy face again thanks to lovely me. Carry me out of here, close enough Ryan Gosling look-a-like.
Maryse tossed herself into the look-a-like's arms who carried her away while Paige walked off arm and arm with the Jared Leto clone.
- We have a cunning plan.
- So cunning that you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel!
Maryse and Paige were pacing in their locker room when the door swung open. They were greeted by an extremely exuberant Taeler Hendrix who rushed over and attempted to hug them both.
Taeler Hendrix: HIIIIII!
Maryse: Whoa. Whoa.
Paige: No touching.
The pair held their hands out to block the incoming hug but that didn't stop Taeler from grinning away.
Taeler Hendrix: We ALL need to hang out! A blond! A brunette! And a red head! It would be MAGICAL!
Maryse: Yeaaaaaah.
Paige: I bet it would.
Taeler Hendrix: Can I touch that?
Taeler reached out to touch Paige's stuffed skele-cat and she swatted the ginger's hand away.
Paige: Get your own.
Maryse: But we're here to talk about something very important, Taeler.
Taeler Hendrix: I'm all ears!
Maryse: And all teeth. But let's not get into that. Let's get into your match. You know. The one that A.J. is in?
Taeler Hendrix: I know all about it!
Maryse: Well, here's the thing. Everyone knows I'm going to win my match against Maria, right? Right. We need YOU to win your match. And when you do we need you to take out A.J. Lee. Do you think you can do that? Because if you win then you get to be my first challenger. I would LOVE to defend my title against you, Taeler.
Taeler Hendrix: I can do that! I can, I can! And we can hang out if I win?
Maryse: S-Sure.
Taeler Hendrix: ALRIGHT! I WON'T LET YOU DOWN!
Taeler threw her arms around Maryse and Paige's neck in a squeezing hug before rushing out of the room. Maryse and Paige looked annoyed at having been touched before grinning at one another.
The Maria Kanellis 2012 Retirement Tour
- Hey. Do you remember that one time when Maria won a match? - NOPE. BAHAHAHAHA. The middle of a trendy club where a large group of lookie-loo's were chatting it up and enjoying drinks. Standing on a stage that was positioned just above the crowd were EBWF Women's Champion Maryse and her gothy little pal Paige. Behind the two Diva's was a blown up photograph of their very recent Q&A in Maxim Magazine. Maryse's photo was hyperstylized with an angelic theme while Paige's had a lot of dark purple's with a more macabre but sexy look. Maryse stepped to a mic stand and gave it a few taps before swiping it from it's podium.
Maryse: Alright everyone shut the [HORRIBLE EXPLETIVE] up.
The crowd piped down.
Maryse: We're here spending Uncle Paul's money and to show off our swanky ass Maxim photo thing. Take pictures of it while it's all blown up and huge and shit.
Camera flashes went off.
Maryse: Seeing as how we are, ya know, the best members of The Coalition it's only fair that we get all of this attention. Oh. And look.
Maryse's held out her arms which were covered in golden and diamond bracelets.
Maryse: And..
She held up her Women's Title which now had a few diamonds carved into it.
Maryse: I might blind ya bitch.
Paige: Also..
Paige held out the skele-cat plush that she typically packed around with her. Except that this one was completely encased in a gold shell. More camera flashes went off.
Maryse: I also know that since we're wrestlers and we're out in public that they're HAS to be an interviewer stalking us..
Maryse and Paige searched the crowd until Paige pointed a finger, covered in black polish.
Paige: Found 'em.
Sure enough there was Todd Grisham. Waving a hand above his head like an enormous dork. Both women scrunched their faces up in displeasure.
Maryse: Escort him out of here.
Grisham was promptly led out by his arms by a pair of Neanderthal like security guards. The French-Canadian Champion flicked a hand through her hair.
Maryse: Find me a better one.
A man with a striking resemblance to Ryan Gosling appeared with a microphone in his hand.
Maryse: That works.
Paige was glaring away in the background.
Maryse: What is it?
Paige: Where is MY interviewer?
Maryse: This isn't YOUR interview.
Paige: I still want one.
Maryse sighed and gave her fingers a snap. A man who looked very much like Jared Leto stepped onto the stage with a microphone in his hand.
Paige: Proceed.
Ryan Gosling Interviewer: Maryse, at the Christmas Eve of Destruction you are set to face Maria in a match that will unify both the Sky High and Women's Titles. This will also be the first ever Nightmare Before Christmas Street Fight.
Paige: I love that movie.
Maryse: And as much as I would LOVE to continue my winning streak against Maria into triple digits, it's REALLY time to put that bitch down. I don't plan on just beating her for the seven hundredth time. I'm going to humiliate her completely and retire her. You heard me. I am going to RETIRE HER. Seriously. It's like I'm Goldberg and she's that karate guy with the mullet that Bill beat like five thousand times. She has not beaten me once. Not ever. I don't even have to cheat! This is going to be like taking candy from a really, really stupid baby. I'm SURE we're all going to marvel in amazement when Maria spits out something like..
Maryse slouches, sticks a finger in her nose and begins to speak in a typically cartoonish, slow kind of way.
Maryse: "Hurrrr, I've lost to Maryse a million times but I'm going to go out there this time and try my best and win. Boring, boring, boring. Hurrrrrr."
She regains her usual composure.
Maryse: So very inspiring.
Ryan Gosling Interviewer: With this being a Street Fight it means that you can practically do whatever you want to Maria. Paige can even get involved and you can both put the boots to her all night.
Maryse nudged Paige with her elbow and she grinned in return.
Maryse: I like him. But yes. We probably will both take turns beating the hell out of her. And take her title. And what little pride she has left. All to further cement that I am, without question, the most dominant woman who has ever stepped foot into this company. Not that it's terribly difficult when someone like Maria is being thrown at me as competition. She really does suck. A lot. But, luckily, no one will ever have to see her goofy face again thanks to lovely me. Carry me out of here, close enough Ryan Gosling look-a-like.
Maryse tossed herself into the look-a-like's arms who carried her away while Paige walked off arm and arm with the Jared Leto clone.
- We have a cunning plan. - So cunning that you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel! Maryse and Paige were pacing in their locker room when the door swung open. They were greeted by an extremely exuberant Taeler Hendrix who rushed over and attempted to hug them both.
Taeler Hendrix: HIIIIII!
Maryse: Whoa. Whoa.
Paige: No touching.
The pair held their hands out to block the incoming hug but that didn't stop Taeler from grinning away.
Taeler Hendrix: We ALL need to hang out! A blond! A brunette! And a red head! It would be MAGICAL!
Maryse: Yeaaaaaah.
Paige: I bet it would.
Taeler Hendrix: Can I touch that?
Taeler reached out to touch Paige's stuffed skele-cat and she swatted the ginger's hand away.
Paige: Get your own.
Maryse: But we're here to talk about something very important, Taeler.
Taeler Hendrix: I'm all ears!
Maryse: And all teeth. But let's not get into that. Let's get into your match. You know. The one that A.J. is in?
Taeler Hendrix: I know all about it!
Maryse: Well, here's the thing. Everyone knows I'm going to win my match against Maria, right? Right. We need YOU to win your match. And when you do we need you to take out A.J. Lee. Do you think you can do that? Because if you win then you get to be my first challenger. I would LOVE to defend my title against you, Taeler.
Taeler Hendrix: I can do that! I can, I can! And we can hang out if I win?
Maryse: S-Sure.
Taeler Hendrix: ALRIGHT! I WON'T LET YOU DOWN!
Taeler threw her arms around Maryse and Paige's neck in a squeezing hug before rushing out of the room. Maryse and Paige looked annoyed at having been touched before grinning at one another.